24w6d - Alone

I'm back in the UK now, busy as ever. November is going to be a mental month. Then it's December already! Holy shit!

While I was away, I had time to do some musing. This often happens when I spend lots of time with my family. I also met up with my friend's parents- the friend who isn't talking to me. This also caused a lot of musing. Interesting, and opposite.

First, I will dwell on the continued hurt caused by my absent friend. I see her parents when I'm in the States, or have for the past 5-6 years, so I thought I would still see them even though she isn't talking to me. Because I hope this time will pass. And it was lovely to see them, as usual. However, it also was made very clear through the answers to my questions about my friend, how much I have missed the past 4 months by her cutting me out of her life. Because a lot has happened in hers, that she clearly has no interest in sharing with me. On top of her absence in my life, which I already find painful, this was equally painful. It's really just a crappy situation and I do wonder in dark moments if our friendship will ever recover this slight. Or if she even cares to be my friend at all in the future.

I've also felt the slight absence of other friends, although not as obvious or I think as intentional. Just people I was hearing from are suddenly being heard from less. Perhaps I'm sensitive because of the first situation. I don't know. At any rate, it made me feel more alone, which in some ways made me feel sorry for myself.

But then the alternative to these thoughts is that I was pondering the idea that I'm really never going to be alone again. At least for a great number of years and period of time, I am the sole person responsible for another human being who will need my attention and time and care. I won't be able to just 'up and go' as I like and please, which has been my life for a very long time. It was a rather sobering thought to be honest. While I greatly look forward to being a parent, it will certainly be tough as a single parent to not have that other person that you can catch a break from. I will be completely responsible all of the time. And that's huge. I'm sure there will be times when I hate it. But I also know/hope that it will be beyond worth it. I just can't really imagine exactly how different my life is going to be. Theoretically I understand it, but the reality will be its own thing, for sure.

So there you have it. Two completely separate musings on the concept of being alone, or not alone as it were.