Tuesday, February 7, 2017

38w6d - Boundaries and respect

As the time gets closer for baby to arrive, and for my mother to arrive, she has become more problematic. Last weekend we got into a huge fight which kicked off because she started angling to again 'be at the birth' because she hopes that when she arrives the baby won't be here yet. When I was in the States in October, we arranged her ticket. I kept suggesting she come on the 28th (2 weeks past due date) but she insisted on coming on the 22nd. Again, this was really because she was trying/hoping to be here before the baby comes which would force the issue of her being here for it even though I've told her more than once that I don't want her there.

At any rate, she started in again last weekend which put me in the awkward position of again having to tell her that I don't want her there at which point she started telling how I 'wasn't very nice'. I don't think I can possibly explain how invasive this came across to me as. As if my body, and my intimate experience with my birth and baby had anything to do with her at all? On top of which, to continue to not respect that we've already had this conversation and to push it with me was infuriating. And so this degenerated into a full on argument with accusations flying and history being dragged up. On the one hand, it completely cemented for me exactly WHY I don't want her here for the birth, but on the other hand, it made me so angry and upset which is not the mental state that I need to be in as I prepare for birth.

I don't like the person that I feel forced to become around my mother. But she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't take any responsibility for her own failings. And if I give her an inch, she takes a mile. So no inch can be given. This was reiterated yesterday when we spoke for the first time since last weekend (which is actually about our normal rate of communication so not odd) and the talk was going completely fine until she brought up that she wants me to call her when I go into labor. I told her I'm not calling anyone when I go into labor. She said she wasn't 'anyone' she was my mother and I reiterated that I'm not calling anyone at which point she again started to say I wasn't very nice and then just said she was going to hang up and I said fine, so we hung up on each other before a fight could kick off again.

The thing is, if she'd asked much earlier - emphasis on ASKED - about how she could be involved or expressed a desire to be involved, then maybe I could have worked something out with her. But a week after her manipulative crap about wanting to be there for the birth is not the time to try to invent an alternative way  to get what she wants. I don't really see the point of telling her when I go into labor, as I won't want to 'be in touch' with her during labor, and she'll need to wait until I'm ready to announce baby anyway. It would give her the window needed to ring the hospital or other people to bother them if I'm not answering the phone. And labor can take an unknown amount of time. It could be 3 days from when I text her to 3 hours. I'm not sure why she wants to know this other than to secure her place 'at my birth' in whatever way possible. I am not at all convinced, that she wants to know because she is concerned about me in any way. It's all about her. And frankly, my birth is in no way about her, and hence, she is not invited.

Such a fucking mess. It's really frustrating. I don't like how we interact. I don't like that she's manipulative and doesn't respect my choices and authority. I worry about the future and how she will be around me and my daughter. I worry about how I will respond to how she behaves because I don't like the person she brings out in me.

I've said this before, and it's worth saying again, that my mother does all of this from a good place in her heart. She does mean well, and she does love me, and loves this unborn baby more than anything in the world. But she doesn't see how she acts. She doesn't acknowledge when she is rude, dismissive, or disrespectful. She doesn't involve me in her decisions (about me), and treats me like an honest to god child, not a 42 year old woman. This leads to an acrimonious relationship that sits just underneath both of us holding it together most of the time. But birth is emotional and personal and raw; and you can't keep up the nice facade this close to it.

I really hope that I have people in place (doulas, boyfriend) to help manage her being here, and that she does surprise me (as people keep suggesting) and is actually helpful and calm and positive. Right now though, I feel incredibly wary of her, and maybe it's my emerging mama bear coming out, but I have even less tolerance and patience than I would normally try to when it comes to dealing with her. Anyway, we'll see. In the meantime, I'm trying to get her out of my mind and go back to focusing on having a positive birth experience. One that doesn't include my mother.

1 comment:

  1. Please (if you haven't done already) speak to your doulas and tell them to tell the midwives and all hospital staff that you are having no visitors whatsoever, not even your own mother. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that when you're so close to having your baby. Big hugs xxx