TWW 2 - Day 1

So I managed to trigger with the Pregnyl when I got home on Tuesday, around 6:15pm or so.  The Pregnyl is really fussy and annoying.  This time I managed to break open the glass vials without crushing them which was good.  But then I think a tiny splash of water came out when I snapped off the top of the water bottle.  Then, when I was priming the needle a tiny bubble of fluid came out and fell on the floor.  So I was feeling stressed when I finally managed to inject, only to do it in a funny way that's left a dark point bruise on my belly.

Having done some more reading around the internet, it seems that having two follicles (or three, or even sometimes four) is not at all unusual for an IUI so I think my odds are still 6% (or 11% if you consider both cycles).  I was a little disappointed by that, but I'm still happy that I had two good sized follicles for this cycle because that's got to be better than one!

On Wednesday my morning meetings went late so I only had 20 minutes for lunch and to turn myself around before the taxi came to take me to the clinic.  It's a small indulgence I have to take a taxi to the clinic but the alternative would be to cycle and I don't really want to cycle around the procedure.  In the grand scheme of things, the £14 return is really not an issue.

My procedure was a little bit late because the doctor had to come from the main hospital to the clinic.  Once she arrived it was all very quick and straightforward like the first time.  I was the only patient there.  I changed in the recovery area in my own little cubicle, then when the doctor arrived and all was ready, I walked with the nurse to the procedure room.  It was a little bit different from last time because there was no trainee doctor.  So the regular doctor did the procedure and this meant there wasn't any ultrasound.  I asked her about this afterwards, she said that because embryo transfer is similar to IUI, they would have used the ultrasound to watch the placement of the tube during the IUI for training, but it wasn't necessary.  It also wasn't necessary to scan my ovary to see if the follicles had released she said.  Basically, with IUI, it's a less precise procedure.  There's really nothing they can do other than the insemination at that point.  The ultrasound won't tell you anything and would potentially only be stressful if you didn't see that the follicles had disappeared or released.  So fair enough.

The way the IUI works at my clinic is the doctor gets you all prepped with the tube through the cervix, then the nurse knocks on the window to the embryologist's lab and he hands over the sperm through the window after confirming who you are.  I also have an ID card that I insert into a scanner that I think registers in the embryology lab as well.  At any rate, I had a chat with the embryologist as well with my legs all up in the stirrups.  I asked about the sperm motility since I didn't the first time.  I think he said it was 36 or 37 which was well over the 25 guaranteed by the clinic, so that was good.

The sperm got connected, inserted, the tube was removed and all was done!  They said I could lie there for a bit if I wanted or get up.  I decided to lie there for a bit but asked the doctor some more questions while I did so it ended up being useful.  While obviously I really want this cycle to work, I'm realistic that it may not so I asked the doctor about moving on to IVF.  She explained that I'd need to come in for additional consultation and that there's a lot more HFEA paperwork that needs to be filled out for IVF.  So I wouldn't be able to start an IVF cycle next month, it would have to be the month after.  But that's okay.  April is actually a very busy month for me so it would potentially be difficult to schedule scans around my work commitments.  Again, I obviously hope it doesn't come to that, but I guess I'm more of a realist than an optimist.

So now the two week wait begins again.  I've scheduled my progesterone blood test with my GP for next Thursday.  The clinic also gave me two pregnancy tests and the date to take them on.  I'll probably do the same thing as last time and start with my Ebay ones until the day I'm supposed to take them according to the clinic.  But maybe I'll use the extra one they gave me for the day before.

IUI 2 - Day 12 trigger and GRUMP

The clinic called today at 2pm to tell me that my IUI is scheduled for 2:15pm tomorrow. Of course this conflicts with meetings and would have been much better to have this information earlier, but what can I do? Of course I have to jump when fingers are snapped. Grump.

In addition, the nurse on the phone says to me, 'Take the trigger any time from now'. Wait. What?? What the fuck?! If I'd known they wanted me to do that, I could have brought the Pregnyl with me to work. But they didn't say that. Now I don't have it with me, I feel like I'm 'late'. And also, this is a completely different protocol/timing to the first IUI. The first time, my procedure was at the same time (2pmish) and they told me to trigger between 6-7pm. So what's up with the 'any time from now' bullshit??? I'm trying to think calm and happy thoughts, and console myself with the knowledge that for IUI the timing matters a whole lot less than IVF but I'm frustrated.

I really like my clinic in terms of the people there and my interactions with them. But I do not like getting mixed messages or added stress or just not simply being able to schedule more than 24 hours in advance. This process is stressful. And you really just do not need any extra stress on top of it.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I have hopefully two lovely follicles and possibly a third. Everything looks good, and my appointment is scheduled..... happy thoughts happy thoughts.

IUI 2 - Day 11 scan 3 and procedure scheduled

This morning I had my third scan. It looks like I have two follicles growing and a third a bit behind. So apparently I'm responding well to treatment this month. The largest of the two main follicles was 16mm (the other was 15mm and the third was 11mm) and they usually want it at 18mm to trigger. So I'm going to trigger tomorrow with my procedure sometime on Wednesday. I say 'sometime' because the clinic has been unable to give me a precise time for it which is only a little bit problematic with work scheduling, etc. Tomorrow would have actually been much easier in some ways. Anyway, we'll see. I'm a tiny bit frustrated with my clinic because they seem to be overstretched sometimes. I think this is probably because it is also the NHS clinic for the Cambridge area. In fact, it's pretty much the only fertility clinic in the city. This isn't terrible because on a whole, I think it's an excellent clinic with good results and friendly staff. However, there's clearly some sort of issue with having enough staff or the scheduling that it ends up being stressful. Of course this process is stressful enough without wondering when your next appointment is going to be, or if they're going to forget that you are supposed to have an appointment! I'm sure this wouldn't happened, and so far hasn't happened, but like I said it adds a level of extra stress during what is already a stressful time. On the plus side, the clinic is relatively easy to get to. Cambridge is a pretty small place. The clinic is what- about 1.5-2 miles from here? And it's literally straight down the same road I work on, so pretty convenient by bicycle or by taxi. I haven't even looked at buses yet because I generally hate dealing with the buses in Cambridge, but I bet there's one that goes that way as well. Anyway. One more Gonal F tonight and then Pregnyl some time tomorrow. Interestingly when I was talking to the nurse who did my scan this morning, she was saying that for IUI the timing is less important than for IVF which makes sense. So I feel less stressed about the timing issue given that it's IUI. On the other hand, if this cycle doesn't work and I move on to IVF, this scheduling malarkey really can't continue like this or I'll be extra stressed!

IUI2 - Day 10 moody

I seem to have come down with a malaise. I'm feeling quite moody and this has me questioning my decisions. Well, not really questioning my decisions in a virulent way. But more questioning everything. Is this the right path? Will I be a good mom? Am I crazy for trying this? The unknown is a scary place. This is why people often stick with the devil they know. I'm no different. I've certainly spent large portions of my life on 'the comfortable path'. But I've also jumped into the complete unknown on more than one occasion. Usually guided by clarity of purpose. Because that tends to override any lingering doubts or fears. I guess in some ways that's how this is for me. I feel very certain that pursuing single motherhood is the right decision. But perhaps because it's a timely process with no guarantees, it leaves me a bit more time than usual to think about it. In the past the major life decision upheavals I've made have been on a much shorter timescale (although no less disruptive). Moving to another city? Moving to another country? Deciding which graduate schools to go to? Undertaking a PhD? I know that I will adapt to whatever my new situation is. But I guess sometimes, when I'm feeling discouraged and scared, it all seems a bit overwhelming. How will I cope? What if I hate being a mother? Part of it is also the fear of doing it all alone. Who will I turn to? Who can I rely on? I know that I will have help from various sources- both family and friends. But ultimately it's just going to be me. I'm scared I'm not ready. I'm scared it will happen. I'm scared it won't happen. I have no idea if this is related to the low dose of hormones (Gonal F) I've been injecting now for 2 months. It's certainly not PMS- it's the wrong time. I think part of this is also about the boyfriend. He was over yesterday/last night. And that was all fine. But we don't really talk about the baby plan because it causes upset. He did watch me inject. He just doesn't ask any questions and I stick to keeping him informed of the basics. I don't feel like I can talk about my emotions with him without him thinking about how it affects him. If I say I'm scared of doing it alone, he could turn around and say that I am rejecting him as a person to do it with. To be fair, I'm not at all sure he would say that at all, but it's probably what keeps me from talking to him about it. It highlights that I'm doing it separate from him which I know is a point of upset for him. So I just don't. I think also living here in Cambridge.... it's not where my good friends are. The problem is, my closest friends aren't in any one place anymore. There's a couple in London, a couple in Manchester, one is in South Africa, one is moving to Australia at the end of this month, one is in Sheffield, one is in Norfolk, some are in New York. My village is global. Which is great for other reasons. But right now, living here, in a city which isn't my first choice, it feels lonely. I don't have a large base of friends here. The friends I do have are not so close that I want to have an emotional dump with them. Meh. I'm just feeling blah at the moment. I'm sure it will pass. In the meantime, scan tomorrow morning and this will hopefully determine when the trigger is. This IUI cycle seems to have gone incredibly fast. Shame that the two week wait won't, I'm sure!

IUI 2 - Day 8 Scan 2

Had my second scan this morning. It looks like there are two follicles growing- one was 12mm and the other was 11. There were a bunch more that were much smaller. I don't think I mentioned that when I had my scan on Monday there were about 12 follicles as opposed to the first IUI cycle when there were about 6 or 7. So I'm intrigued that I might have two growing for this IUI cycle. I really do not want multiples, but given the high chances of chromosomal abnormalities in eggs of women my age, having 2 eggs would be pretty cool. I go back for a third scan on Monday and I suspect that I will trigger either Monday or Tuesday nights with the IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday. Until then, it's 75 of Gonal-F every night. The nurse who did my scan was very positive. I don't think they're just blowing smoke up my ass, I mean, what would be the point? But she said that my numbers looked great and the ovary looked great and was overall, very positive. We talked a bit about my fertility and she was enthusiastic that I was following a good protocol given where all of my numbers were at. So that made me feel good. I tell you what, it's funny how much quicker the stimulating goes than the two week wait!! In other news, it took them 4 tries to get blood out of me which was a little bit annoying. For some reason the nurses at the clinic are struggling with my veins. My GP doesn't have as much trouble and usually gets it on the first try but at the clinic it's always at least 2 tries and sometimes more. Today they ended up taking it out of the back of my hand (tried there twice!). The nurse who did the scan said that if my scan on Monday looked good and my blood today looked good, then they wouldn't need to take blood again on Monday because all of my results so far have been completely normal and fine and so there's no reason to think it wouldn't be on Monday. They can just make a determination based on the scan. So that's good. Yesterday I had a chance to hold my friend's 8-week old baby. We were in a coffee shop and there was another couple with a 5-week old baby! They're so little!! Although the 8-week old was noticeably bigger than the 5-week old. They do grow fast. It's hard to imagine that I might end up with one of those - even though it's the goal. It's impossible to think that far ahead in the process. Right now all I can think about are follicles and scans. Then it will be the IUI procedure and then the long two week wait with the hope of seeing some faint line appear on a stick. Actual babies just seem so far removed from the now.

IUI 2 - Day 6 Budget update

Just a quick one to update the budget since I've paid for this IUI cycle.  Apparently my clinic says the price is the same if you get one Pregnyl or two which made no sense to me.  But, whatever.  I guess I should have asked for 2 then since I paid the same!  But never mind.  Last night I was out to a concert so I had to do my injection in the restaurant toilet.  Good thing my clinic gave me a handy little carry bag with a sharps-tube for used needles to later dispose in the correct bin.  It came in handy!

Previous total	£5472
IUI Inclusive Fee	£638
900 Gonal-F + 1 Pregnyl	£380
New total	£6490

IUI 2 - Day 5

Got the call from the clinic late yesterday that my blood results were good so I was all set to start injecting for cycle 2.  Yesterday and tonight I do 150 Gonal F and then it drops to 75.  My next scan is Friday.  Like last time, I suspect the trigger will be Monday.  In fact, I think I'm on the same basic schedule?

The one thing that's driving me nuts is that I'm still sick.  The flu I had a couple of weeks ago has settled into some sort of head/sinus infection.  My ears are blocked, I'm blowing out fluorescent snot and I'm coughing a lot.  This is all bad timing and I don't know how this low-grade illness effects my fertility chances.  I'm sure it's not helping.

I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow afternoon which conflicts with something in my diary which is frustrating.  I need to see if I can get that changed and then work from home the rest of the afternoon.  It should be okay.  Just a stressful period which is not helped by this never ending illness.

On the other hand, I'm sure I'm not doing myself any favors by doing all the things I would otherwise want to do which has involved travelling around the country a bit, going to a workshop last night, and going to a concert tonight.

Bleh.