Any Day

This morning I thought I might have my period but it was inconclusive.  It took me until about mid-day to need to use the bathroom.  As I went up to the bathroom I started to get nervous.  Then I got more nervous.  Then I started to freak out.  My period has not arrived.  But it should in the next couple of days.  Today is day 28, my cycle is somewhere around 32 but fluctuates.  This response wasn't what I expected from myself.  I considered upon reflection of my shaking hands and shallow breathing that I was actually a little bit terrified.  It's not that I'm having second thoughts about the plan.  And the success rate percentage for me is not particularly good, especially not doing IUI.  But it's still a really big deal.  And it could happen.  And somehow, that was very much frightening as I walked upstairs to use the bathroom.

Upon further reflection as I walked to lunch, I considered that part of the panic also comes from the isolation.  Who do I have to discuss this with, in respect to my fears and hopes and emotional state?  Most people I know, 'know' what I'm doing. But they aren't necessarily the people I want to bend the ear of sounding a bit insane rambling on about my emotions.  I mean, I could.  I probably just don't want to.  Especially not with those friends who have had their own fertility issues and journeys.

I also don't want to call on the boyfriend who had another freak out this past weekend.  He is having trouble accepting that I'm doing this, and how he views it reflects upon him and our relationship.  He doesn't want to leave me, but he's not happy with this either.  I am keeping him updated about what I'm doing, but I don't think he could handle my emotional stress on this issue when he's barely addressing his own.

So anyway, any day!  Things are going to happen.  That will statistically probably result in nothing happening. However, this blog might become a bit of an emotional dumping ground for a while as I process how I'm feeling through this journey.  Which I suppose is sort of what blogs are for.  You've been warned.