I'll start this blog post with some positive thoughts. Having MJ is by far one of the best things I've done in my life. The joy it brings me to be on this journey with her as she grows and develops into her own autonomous person is absolutely wonderful.
And I don't think that has much to do with being a solo parent, but a parent more generally. If parenting was the right choice for you, then I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. It's just such a privilege to nurture this new human being. Every day she amazes me and makes me laugh. She also frustrates me and irritates me and sticks her feet in my face, but honestly, it's fantastic.
I'm also a full time working mother. I again don't know that my time constraints related to being a full time working mother are particular to solo mothers. Maybe a little bit. I work five days a week. I spend quality time with MJ in the morning before we go to nursery and school and afterwards before bedtime, and we have all weekend together. It's not loads of time but I try to be present and make best use of it. After she goes to bed, I pretty much want to veg out on the sofa and watch TV. On the weekends, I have to squeeze in all the household chores like laundry, etc. around whatever we happen to be doing. Having a cleaner is definitely important in keeping my sanity.
I'm not resentful of working, quite the opposite. I love my job. I'm very proud of what I do. I am pleased to think that as MJ grows in her understanding of the world, and can understand more about what I do, that I am setting a positive example for her in lots of different ways.
But as I've said previously, something's gotta give. And, I find that I am more often than not somewhat lonely. There are assorted reasons for this and it's not all to do with being a solo mom, or a full time working mom. A lot of it has to do with where my village is located (all over the world) and how little (none) of my close friends live in the same city as I do and how hard it is to make new friends. And when I do make new friends, and they happen to have kids and partners, they have limited time as well. It's not the same as it used to be. Which is fine, but it's sliding into something a bit isolating which can be tough.
My best friends, for the most part, don't even live in the same country as me. And they are to varying degrees better and worse at communication. The person who I thought was my best friend basically ghosted me when I became pregnant. There are various reasons for why this happened, and I'm not really sure about why it's continued, but I feel that so much time has passed that it's very uncertain if we can ever get back to a place of being as close as we once were. The absence of her friendship has been deeply hurtful to me on various levels but I'm really feeling it at the moment when I find that I simply have no one to talk to, and she was always there for me.
If I wasn't stuck at home, I could go out and be more social and get involved in things. Making friends as an adult sucks anyway. Having a child, especially a small child, just makes it harder. And married folks have their partners to talk to.
MJ will get older, and become more independent. We'll be able to do more, and do more individually. This is temporary. As are most things about raising a child. It's just a moment, and I'm finding the moment a little bit rough. But then I cuddle MJ and know that it's worth it, and that it's not going to be like this forever.
