36w1d - baby belly bump

I'm 36w1d today, which is really nearing the end. On the one hand I feel like I've been pregnant forever, on the other hand, it all feels so quick. I think this is what happens as you get older anyway, but it doesn't change the strangeness.

Lately I've been thinking about, or trying to understand, that there is a real baby inside that belly of mine. I see pushing and movement, but what I see is a big skin balloon. I don't see 'a baby' and yet, at 36w there is a baby, pretty much completely formed and almost certainly capable of survival. But I just see a bump! I never had a 3d/4d scan of the baby so I don't have a particular impression of her physicality. Looking at regular scans is fine, but it's not a three dimensional baby you are looking at. I feel I'm getting more excited (and nervous) about her getting here.

I'm also at work for less than 2 weeks now. Handing over to my cover which has been great to have a 3 week overlap. Strange to think how easily I can be replaced! But actually work stuff is all good for me right now, as I will come back to a slightly different role doing something more in keeping with my background and expertise. So actually, work is really exciting, it's just strange to be leaving for a while. But I'll be very busy with other things!!

Also hard to believe my mother is going to be here in almost a month. This is an ongoing tension as my mother means very well and her heart is in the right place but she questions everything that I want or do. I keep telling her that I don't really feel the need to justify every decision to her and that it's insulting to me. But she keeps doing it. I think she also feels on some level she needs to put me down in order to make herself seem more needed, which is completely unnecessary. So I'm nervous about the help she is going to be giving me- if it's actually going to be helpful or if I'm going to want to kill her. Only time will tell.

I think the other thing about my mom coming is that she acts as if I'm all alone in the world with no one to help me other than her. As if my single parent journey isolates me in some way as opposed to being something I've been thinking about and actively planning for years. I have a good network around me to support me, and I'm also happy to pay people (like my doula) to support me post-natal. Not to mention the boyfriend, other friends, etc. But to my mother, every time I talk to her I have no one and nothing to help me (other than her). Again, it's frustrating, but we'll get through it. And I know I have my village/network so it's really more her issue than mine.

I need to get some more pictures of these final weeks! I really just can't imagine that soon she's going to be here and it's all going to be different. Eep!!!

30w - 75% cooked

Well that's just crazy, isn't it? On the one hand, it seems very far along the journey, on the other hand there's still 10 weeks to go. Still, at this point, baby girl is pretty much well cooked and would have a 95% survival chance if she were to come early. It's a bit funny because I never think about an early labor. It's one of the things that I don't worry about or think about at all, other than this early induction issue. Perhaps because the pregnancy has been so 'standard' and I don't have an obvious risk factors, it just doesn't cross my mind that the baby could come early. Of course she could- I know some people who just had their baby very premature (she's fine). All I can think is that if that were to happen I'm completely not ready! I haven't actually set anything up, I don't have a hospital bag packed, I haven't washed any of the clothes. It would be a mess! Of course I would just deal with it, but still, very not prepared.

I've just gotten in touch with a solicitor to start the process of getting a will set up. I've never had one before as I never particularly felt I needed one. With baby girl on the way and slightly complex family dynamics, I think it's important to do so. As my Dad so lovingly pointed out to me, I could die in childbirth, so really, I should get it all in writing before then (thanks, Dad). But there is some truth to this. I would want guardianship of baby girl to go to one of my friends, not one of my parents. This has caused some issues with my mother who balked when I told her, but it's just sensible. Not to mention the fact that she and my father don't get along at all, so not only would she make no effort to ensure baby girl had a relationship with that side of my family, my Dad would retaliate by not helping to support baby girl whereas if it goes to a friend he would set up an annual trust payment to help with maintenance, etc. Plus my parents are old and not particularly capable of running around after a small child. So friends it is.

Baby girl is clearly getting bigger and space is getting tighter because I feel her more strongly at times. She has yet to punch or kick me in a sensitive area, although I do think she was using my bladder as a pillow at one point. I'm so far lucky that my need to pee still hasn't gone up all that much and I don't need to get up at night to pee, yet. Again, I think these things are coming, especially in the last month, as I know you need to get uncomfortable enough to desire labor. At least, that seems to be the way with every other pregnant person I know.

I wish I had more pictures of my pregnancy. I have a few. It's hard to take them of myself however. I'll need to carefully collect the ones I have as it's a scant record of what is most likely my only pregnancy. I know that I am intrigued by the one or two pictures I have of my mother pregnant and I'd like to be able to share that with daughter in the future. For sure one picture I must get at some point is me on the bike, pregnant. I'm still cycling to work, which is fine. Of course it's winter so I just might look all bundled up instead of pregnant, but if I can get someone to take the picture, I could unzip the bulky jacket for a bit in the spirit of documentation.

27w5d - Parties and publicity

So first, a warm welcome to any Italian visitors who have come to this blog having read the short piece that I was interviewed for. I've used Google translate to check it out and it seems to cover what I discussed with the reporter.  I'm also glad she got in links to the DCN and SMC as these have been great resources for me on this journey. I know that single parenthood is less common in Italy and I hope spreading awareness can help others find fulfillment in their lives, whatever decisions they make.

In other news I had my baby shower on Saturday! It was really lovely to have a small gathering of friends to celebrate future baby girl. It was at a funky place in London and we all did a high tea sort of thing. It's clearly set up for parties and worked well I think. Positively, most people bought gifts off my registry and they have been send straight to my house so I didn't have too much to carry back with me. There's a funny picture of me with balloons coming out of my backpack on the way back to the train to Cambridge. Yes, I'm one of *those* annoying people.

So things in the house are really starting to pile up. I got another bag of hand-me-downs from a work colleague who stopped in on Friday. Her daughter is 4 months old and she says a bunch of clothes she got (as gifts or hand-me-downs) were the wrong season, so she just brought them for me. Seriously, I'm not going to need any additional clothes for baby girl. In fact I seriously doubt her ability to wear all the clothes I've been given so far! This is not a bad thing, but I need to get some furniture so I can do some washing so I can start sorting it all out and determining what I have for what age, etc. One of my projects yesterday was to measure the spare room/future nursery so I could plot out a furniture layout. The room is not large (8'x7'6") and has two doorways with inward operating doors. There's also a window and radiator that basically leave me with an 'L' shaped layout. I've worked out it will be relatively simple to fit the crib, changing table, and wardrobe. However, fitting anything else that I was hoping for (an extra storage cubby or a rocking/glider chair) is pretty much impossible. I'll continue to ponder the layout (I'm thinking there's one option I didn't try), but it's definitely tight outside of the three fundamental pieces.

Baby girl has been particularly active the past couple days, or she's starting to have less room so I feel her more.  I'm either going through a phase where my body is adjusting and I'm slightly uncomfortable, or it's really just the start of the third trimester where you can't really get comfortable. Time will tell.

In other news, I will have my first official meeting with my doulas tonight, so looking forward to that. Still pondering this whole induction issue. But I have time.

17w6d - Popping out

I've been running about and procrastinating less, so less time to catch up. Also, not entirely sure what to catch up on. Pregnancy in the second trimester is so far mostly uneventful. I generally feel fine. Time seems to be a bit slow (it seemed to go so fast to get to 10 weeks, the next 10 not so fast). The biggest news I probably have is that people who know me are 'noticing' the change in my shape. I'm definitely getting the rounded quality that is definitely pregnant and not just fat. I think this is because everything pushes up which rounds out your top bit (say, between the belly button and ribs). It's actually strange for me to 'look' pregnant, like, I keep shocking myself when I see myself in a mirror. I get a bit weirded out though as some women on the pregnancy board ahead of mine say they are only just showing or only haven't put on any weight. Really? Because I think I'm feeling fairly normal, but that makes me feel a bit like a pig.

I haven't weighed myself for a week or two. I'm sure I've put on a couple of pounds but I don't otherwise feel like I've gained too much. My midwife doesn't weigh me which I think is interesting. In fact she just asked my weight at the first meeting we had.  I know in the states a doctor would weigh you every time, and be providing commentary.

In my social network, my mother continues to irritate me by being manipulative and difficult regarding 'what I need' for new baby. This really amounts to what she wants, not what I need. She doesn't ask me what I want or need, makes assumptions, and then gets either grumpy or manipulative to try and get her way if I disagree. My 'best friend' is still not talking to me because I'm pregnant and she can't handle it; which I continue to try to be sensitive to, but actually doesn't change how much her actions hurts me. On the other hand, I've had a very positive talk with a friend about the possibility of them being the legal guardians for my daughter if something were to happen to me. I've also had friends spontaneously offer to throw me a baby shower which was unexpected and very sweet. In fairness the love and positivity I get from my non-frustrating friends & family far outweighs the bad stuff. I should try to focus on that more and on the irritants less.

Anything else of note? In no particular order... With the growing belly comes a more regular feeling of 'fullness' which isn't entirely enjoyable. I know it will only get worse, I'm just waiting for my senses to adapt to the new normal and stop making it feel mildly uncomfortable. The prune project seems to be working, and constipation is not nearly so bad. I've been thinking about starting some letters to my daughter, that I could compile into a little book or something to give her when she's older. Is that tacky? My next scan (the anatomy scan) is in 2 weeks, meeting with obstetrician is in 4, then I go to the States and my next midwife appointment is when I come back. Right now that seems like forever away.

16w4d - Loss of Plan-A pangs

I don't think very many women set out to be a single mother in life. I believe that most women arrive at the conclusion that being a single mother is an acceptable route to a desired goal when the traditional route to that desired goal fails to materialize, typically by some particular age. Most of the time it doesn't even occur to me that this is unusual or different. This is because I have firstly, thought about it for an exceptionally long time; which has given me time to get used to the idea and have it become my normal. And secondly, because I am on forums and frequent places with many other single mothers all doing the same thing which also helps to normalize my choice. And I do appreciate the voices of those women, although many very different to me in their outlook, beliefs, and person-hood; yet we all share this one thing and it's just... normal.

But sometimes, occasionally, I have worries and doubts - about doing this alone, about being alone. How I think I can only afford (both emotionally and financially) to care for a single child and so I worry about the sort of life I am going to give to my daughter. Sometimes when checking in to social media, I see past lovers with their new partners and I feel a twinge of sorrow for what wasn't. That they found with someone else what they didn't find with me. I admit, it makes me feel a bit sorry for myself. I then progress these thoughts and think of me, the sad spinster with her only daughter. What am I doing??

And then those thoughts pass, and I tell my other self to snap out of it and stop being ridiculous! I have worked very hard to achieve the life I now lead. I don't regret for one instant the personal challenges and growth I have been through to come to a position where my life fulfillment is not dependent on another human being, even baby daughter. I believe this is a healthy reality for me, one that I have embraced, and that has made me into a satisfied adult. But it doesn't mean I'm not still human and don't wish sometimes (or mourn the loss of) the fairy tale and prince charming ending. It's impossible to completely break yourself free of your social conditioning, no matter how much growth you've had.

I don't regret my life choices in any way. And overall, I'm a pretty happy person. I couldn't have said that ten years ago at all. I couldn't have said it consistently five years ago. I have worked hard to shape my life into one I enjoy, that I can be proud of, and that fulfills me. For this, I have no regrets. I am however, only human, and sometimes thoughts of the future are scary. What if I've made some terrible mistake? I don't really think life can be a mistake as such- it's more a series of events and choices; and it's how you deal with them that shapes your outlook. Forgive me my moment of navel gazing.

15w2d - Family

I've had two very different talks with my parents over the past week.  I try to talk to my parents (individually, they're divorced) once a week or so. Sometimes it works out to every other week. Sometimes longer. My parents are incredibly different people and my relationship with them individually is also very different.

My dad is good with money. By good with money, I also mean he can also be cheap and frustrating and does not live in a way that I agree with by any stretch. But when it comes to saving money and planning for the future financially, his advice is very useful. So I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago asking if I should be looking at life insurance policies. When we spoke on the phone he said no, because he would help support the child if something happened to me, in that all of my inheritance from  him would then be for my daughter. This led on to talking about who might care for my daughter if something happened to me, and how that would work. It was all a very reasonable conversation but did make me think that I should get on top of that before giving birth. My dad pointed out, rightly, that if something happened to me during the birth, I needed plans in place. Of course there is zero reason to think anything so dramatic will happen, but that was sensible advice. It's also important seeing as I have no siblings and both of my parents are old and in my opinion, not capable of caring for a young child (or a child in general at their ages) so it is important and something I need to discuss. I have a couple of very close friends in mind I could speak to about it, so that's the new plan. So that was my discussion with my dad.

My mom and I have a difficult relationship. We don't always get on and there's a lot of underlying animosity on both sides. I find my mother very difficult to deal with, as I'm sure she finds me. It's just how it is. But impending grandchild has raised all sorts of issues that cause me continual stress. For starters, my mother is just inviting herself along to 'be here' for indefinite periods of time without asking. She informed me that she plans to get a one way ticket to the UK and will return when we agree it's a good time. I've stressed to her that I really do not want her here for any more than 6 weeks at a time, and even that seems excessive to me. Especially considering she will want to stay in my (small) house and be on top of me all that time. I know she believes that she will be helpful, but my mother has ideas of what being helpful means and then there is the actuality of what she will do. She thinks being helpful will mean holding the baby whereas what being helpful really means will be cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.. I suggested she may want to not stay with me the whole time but she didn't like that either, again saying 'we can decide at the time' as if having arguments about kicking her out because I don't want her in my house anymore is going to be easier than her just having a place she can go to when it's obvious she needs a)sleep or b) to give me space? I also thought it would be useful to tell her my intentions regarding child guardianship which did not go over well. She clearly assumed that if something happened to me that she would just have the child. Which I can't see. On top of which it would create all sorts of issues of having any relationship with my father (my parents are not cordial) and it would also mean my dad, out of spite, would then not support the child either. So aside from the fact that my mother physically really can't do it, it's not good for any number of other reasons. But she got all shitty with me about it, although eventually seemed to come around to accepting that it's my decision. Just a fucking headache. I wish she would stop assuming things about me and child and ask me what I want or what she can do. She gets overly upset if I disagree with her 'wonderful plans' but she didn't ASK me what I need or want. Because the reality of the situation is it has nothing to do with what I need or want and everything to do with what she wants. As it gets closer to the time, I will put my foot down, and I guess it's good to have these preliminary conversations now as it exposes various things. It's just that every one feels like a battle. Really not fun at all.

14w - Facebook

So I did it. I made the pregnancy announcement. Getting a lot of love from far and wide which is nice. And it is an easy way to tell people. Kind of scary. Does it make it all somehow more real? Or does it just make it more precarious in case something goes wrong?

At any rate, I'm enjoying the global love. It pairs nicely with the birthday love. I swear this is what social media is for.

Oh yeah, in the meantime, at 14w today, I can definitively say this is now the second trimester! Woohoo!

37dpo 7w5d - No Clever Title

Two days post scan and it's still just all a bit surreal.  What things can I say have changed?  My breasts are definitely a bit heavier and more sensitive; and possibly slightly larger.  Last night it was hard to get comfortable in bed, especially if I rolled on to my stomach.  In fact in general my sleep has been more disrupted.  I pee more.  I definitely feel more tired, especially in the evenings.  But otherwise that's it!  My colleague at work who has recently left for maternity leave said her first trimester symptoms really didn't start until week 8.  It's not that I want symptoms, but it's easy to forget that I'm pregnant!  Or at least, not fully believe that I'm pregnant.  Despite the visual evidence.

I've been looking into scheduling a NIPT locally.  I found a local clinic that offers both the Harmony and Serenity tests.  It's very difficult to get information on which test is better or why.  There are a number of other tests available, but these are the two I can do here, so that's better than a trip down to London.  Earlier this year, and following a massive research trial, the NHS decided NIPTs were a good idea to offer to pregnant women.  Unfortunately it's just still not clear that it's been rolled out or that I can get one this way.  I will see my midwife before 10 weeks, which is the earliest I could do a NIPT, so I will make absolutely sure I can't get it for free before paying for it. But I will pay for it, if I have to.  I feel reasonably confident that I would not continue a pregnancy with a known birth defect or serious chromosomal issue.  I realize this is a contentious issue, and it's one I hope I do not have to face. I am thankful however, that such tests exist.

In other news I continue to mull over my network/village and how various members have taken my news.  On the whole, my network is incredibly supportive and wonderful.  I feel very much accepted and supported by those around me (and around me in spirit but living far away!), and that's a wonderful thing.  But there are a couple of close nodes in the network which are not as stable.  The boyfriend and I have yet to talk about the pregnancy in any sort of detail.  In that, he does not ask me any questions. I tell him everything that is happening, and I make comments about the pregnancy, but he doesn't initiate conversations.  Of course I take this as his lack of comfort with the idea, which has been an issue throughout the process.  This may not be correct, and it could be that he feels rejected and so doesn't know what to ask or say as without my inviting him to participate more, he may feel I don't want him to participate more.  At any rate, this is something he and I will have to talk about sooner over later.  The other issue is my 'best friend' who has stopped talking to me since my positive result.  She has been suffering her own fertility issues, and is seriously depressed.  And while I understand to some extent that she finds my news too difficult to deal with, she is also married, wealthy, and already has 2 beautiful children from her horrible multi-year struggles with fertility treatments.  So it's also hard for me to be completely understanding, as to me, she has many things that I would have liked to have had, and is lucky in many ways, despite her struggles.  We live in different countries which makes the distance a bit easier to navigate, but also to perpetuate.  I wonder if I will hear from her again though, and I note with sadness that the longer the time for her to get back in touch, the more hurt, not less, I manage to feel about it.

In other unrelated news, I know pregnancy is counted in trimesters, but it's strange to think that as soon as I am 10 weeks, which is really not far away all things considered, I am 25% through my pregnancy.  That's insane! I know that as I've gotten older, time goes by faster and faster.  But it's crazy to think I can be almost 25% through something that I don't even barely feel yet and that very soon in the grand scheme of things, I will hopefully be a mother!! I know there is a long way (in some ways) to go between now and then, but in other ways, it's really no time at all.

IVF 1 - Day 31 8dp6dt 4w3d

This morning, my cheap Ebay test strip had a faint squinter line visible on it.  The First Response test was again positive.  Looks like hCG levels must be rising, and so far I'm positive.  At 4 weeks 3 days it's still very early.  It's 14 days past ovulation.  There's a lot that can go wrong in the next few weeks.

I can't believe it yet.  I don't feel anything at all to indicate there is something growing inside of me. Last night and this morning I had a bit of spotting and last night I felt crampy.  I don't know if that was from the excitement, the spotting, or actual cramps.  But this morning still positive tests, and no cramping, so okay.

I went for the private blood test I paid for this morning and it took her two tries to get it out of me.  I have no idea when I'll get the results or what the results will actually be.  Having already paid for this test and taken it, it could very well be a 'yes you are pregnant' or 'no you are not pregnant' sort of test with no actual beta hCG numbers provided.  I am beyond frustrated with my inability to get beta hCG blood tests here the way everyone else seems to have as standard as part of fertility treatments.  If I was in London, this would be very easy as I see a lot of the fertility clinics offer it.  I've already written to my clinic here in Cambridge suggesting they make it an optional add-on (or just make it standard).  I never heard anything back from my GP who I contacted and offered to pay for it myself.

However, a positive test is a positive test.  So right at this moment, I am pregnant, although we have a long way to go before there is a baby.

Holy shit.

I've told most people who know that I'm trying about the early result.  I'm not a superstitious kind of person.  In fact I'm against most of the 'secrecy' and 'careful' aspects of early pregnancy.  First of all, if I get upset because I miscarry, I want to be able to talk to people who know me and care about me. Secondly, we need to stop freaking women out that they can control miscarriage and it's their fault if they exercise wrong or bend over funny or whatever it is.  The uterus is incredibly good at guarding it's contents.  Think about how hard it is to get rid of a baby that you don't want!  And yet we freak out women that if they sneeze funny, they could damage or lose the fetus.  So I'm going to tell people what's going on with me and continue to go to yoga and ride my bike to work, and what have you. And I will talk to people about things if they go wrong.  And I'm sure I'll put stuff here as well.

IVF 1 - Day 25 Sharing

I've started to pass this blog address off to a few people I know.  I'd already shared it with one or two, but now maybe it's five or six.  It's a useful way for me to keep people updated without them having to ask how everything is going, and for me to provide more detail then I may do in a conversation.

Of course there are people I don't want to pass it off to at the moment- mainly my mother and the boyfriend.  Because these are both things I may occasionally want to talk about, which would then make this a restrictive space.

So it's a fine line- who to share with and who not to share with.  Overall I'm a pretty open person, and there's very little in here I wouldn't share with anyone else.

It's interesting because becoming a single mother is by definition a solo process.  But none of us live in isolation.  And realistically, it is those same single mothers who also by definition come to depend on their network or village for support- emotional particularly, but other kinds as well, that they will need.

I know that if I am successful I will need my village.  So why not start now?

In other news there is no news.  Today is technically day 8 past ovulation, so around the earliest I could pee on a stick and maybe start to see anything at all (although still very unlikely even if I'm lucky enough to be pregnant).  But it's incredibly early, and I don't know how that works with a day 6 transfer so I didn't.  Tomorrow though, I might.