1y5m15d : One or Two?

I wrote this as a response to someone else on the SMC forum. This comes up a lot for me, this idea of one child or two.  I liked what I wrote so I thought I'd put it here as part of this story.

I went into becoming a single mother thinking I would only have one. My 'dream Plan A' of finding a partner included having 2, but when I reduced that dream to the Plan B just me, I also reduced the child count to account for it. Not that this makes sense to anyone else necessarily, but I sort of felt like, two parents to two kids is a replacement one for one in an overpopulated world, and so one to one just made sense to me.

I'm an only child, and I really don't remember minding being an only child and now as an independent adult, I really don't mind being an only child at all. I think every individual person is so different, you can't know what a person will feel or want in terms of their relationships or 'how they'll feel about things' that they have or don't have. You also don't know if two children will have a great sibling bond, or a horrid sibling bond. I know people with both, and as I don't have any myself, I don't romanticize it either way. I think it's a crap shoot be honest.

So with me being so sure I wanted one, why have I felt conflicted? The online SMC forums. Peer pressure. That's it. I've posted about it before in other places. It never occurred to me to want another child, until I was suddenly faced with lots of people both here and in real life from my mum and baby groups that do. Suddenly, oh the pressure!!! The doubt!! I can afford my one child and we can have a good life together where I can give her enriching experiences and we can enjoy travel and other such things together. I do not have the capacity to live that life with two children. I would need to live an entirely different life with two children, simply for the sake of having two children. And when I think very hard about the type of life -I- want to live, it is very much the one with one child, not two.

But I still feel pressure. It's very real and tangible. It doesn't mean I actually want 2. I'm not sure what it means exactly. But I know when I take MJ to swim class, that there would be no way I could take another child to swim class. So she'd have to give up hers, and I couldn't offer that to another child. I know I can just about afford nursery fees for one, but I'd be stretched and either sucking down my savings or going in to debt to pay for nursery for 2. The knock on effect would be, I couldn't jaunt off to Denmark next week to see a friend if I had two. I couldn't afford it, and probably couldn't manage it (I'm taking a travel cot for one, but two??). I look ahead and think about maybe private school and music lessons and other classes/lessons and more travel and whatever else and I know that lifestyle is predicated on my one child.

And when I think about her, and me and her together, my heart is so full and I think our relationship is so special, I am actually satisfied. And I think that's important- that I am actually satisfied with what I have.

Because it means when I feel that pressure, and nagging guilt, that I really have to think about why I'm feeling it. It's not because I'm not fulfilled. And as I said, I don't have strong feelings about siblings either way, so I don't think MJ is going to have a worse life without a sibling. So what is it? It's just this other thing of expectation and pressure and external society and a bit of 'keeping up with the Jonses' and it's not really about what I actually want at all. It's more about what I somewhere in some part of my head think I should be doing. Except I really don't.

It doesn't make it less real however. And it means I'm never entirely comfortable even though from the start I really only wanted one. I still pay storage on my 3 embryos, 7 eggs, and 3 vials of sperm and I honestly don't know what I want to do with them. I may try to donate the eggs and embryos in the future. But I also probably hold on to them a little bit to make the decision a little less final. Even though I'm 98% sure I'm a one and done mom.

1y3m13d : I rarely think about being a solo mom except...

Sometimes I wonder what to write here about being a single mother as opposed to just being a mother.  Honestly, most of my thoughts, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc. are about being a parent. It really doesn't matter what sort of parent you are.  But there are occasionally points where I think, "Oh yeah, this is where being a single mother makes it particularly tough."

One of those things is when I have any event to attend that is outside of work/nursery hours. My job doesn't require much travel, but there are occasional opportunities to take part in events that would require me to be away from Cambridge in the 'nursery window'. If I had an obliged partner, I could just have them take care of MJ when those events come up.  As it stands, I have to think very carefully about whether I want to pay for  a babysitter, lean on my boyfriend, or turn the opportunity down.  And I find that a lot of time I turn opportunities down. Because there are too many sometimes. I have to be choosy. And that's just business opportunities. Then there are personal opportunities- drinks after work, dinner with friends.  All of those are pretty much off my radar.  Again, if there was a guaranteed second supporter of MJ, we would negotiate these things.  But as it's all me, my default position is that taking care of her is my number one priority and other stuff comes second.  This will hopefully become a bit easier as she gets a little older and the people I can lean on to watch her expands (some people aren't overly keen or able to watch a small baby, and she is also at an age where she needs to really know the person I leave her with- it's not good enough if I know the person really well).  So there's that.

The other thing I think about is how this impacts my decision about more than likely only having one child. I'm not upset about only having one child, in fact I'm perfectly happy with one child. But my 'Plan A' of life included getting married to someone and having 2 children.  I can tell that I'm not really in a place to seriously think about a second child, because I'm still going through some of the tough stages with number 1 and when I think 'Would I want to do this all over again while still watching an older MJ?' the answer in my head is a resounding 'NO'. Aside from the fact that I often feel I'm at capacity taking care of just the two of us, I also think about things like how much I enjoy taking MJ to swim lessons. Well, if I had another child, aside from it being questionable if I could afford swim lessons for a second child, what would I do with MJ while taking the new child swimming?  This is where another set of hands would again make the decision much easier. I can do a lot with me and her. And I suppose if I had twins, where the children are of the same age and could do the same things, I would find a way to manage two. But two of a different age? With different needs and requirements? I can't be present for one and just leave the other dangling. So this reinforces my other feelings about having a second child. I can see how I could manage with another parent and live the life I want to live with my children, but I can't quite see how it works with just me.

On balance though, I have a great job that I love, and I don't mind that I can't go to as many evening events as I used to. And as I said, I feel reasonably sure I only want one child on my own anyway, so my thoughts on managing a second solo simply reinforces what I already think, which is fine. But otherwise, my days are filled with waiting for MJ to walk on her own, dealing with sleep issues, fighting over brushing teeth and wearing bicycle helmets, my heart melting when she says mama and gives me cuddles, and all the other things that just come with regular parenting and have nothing to do with being a single mom at all.  Which I guess I'm glad for- how little being a 'single' mom actually matters in my parenthood practice, as much as it is at the core of my parenthood identity.

1y1m27d : Single parenting thoughts - finances

I am a single mother. My daughter has one parent, me. And of course this comes with certain special issues that 2-parent families don't have to deal with. But most of the time, I don't feel any different from any other parent. In fact, I often think things are easier that it's ONLY me and my daughter and I'm not having to deal with another person in our family.

People sometimes say things like, "I don't know how you do it!" or, "You're so strong!". Really? Because I'm just living my life and I happen to be raising a tiny human. Sometimes I think that because I had a child when I was older, and that I was as prepared as I could be, particularly, although not exclusively, financially, that it's just a bit easier for me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an academic. I do not make a lot of money. I'm solidly middle class with an income that is nowhere remotely close to six figures. But I had savings; and, I was lucky that trying to conceive didn't eat it all up.  I also don't spend as much as I once did on things like eating out, or gig tickets, or travel, because it's that much harder with a  young child. And I've never been much into clothes - I do buy clothes but I tend to wait for sales, or indulge in my eBay addiction for used stuff which is much, much cheaper.

And to be honest, raising MJ at this point in time isn't horrifically expensive (once you account for nursery, which IS horrifically expensive, but I've got that covered). The investment in cloth diapers was a bit of an outlay, but now I don't buy diapers, so I think that works out better in the long run (and, of course, I got a bunch off eBay so they were lower cost).  It means I have a bit of spending money for small indulgences- books and toys which mostly are pretty cheap. And I also get most of her stuff (like clothes) off eBay because it's ridiculous how expensive new kids clothes are and how very little they've been worn. It means I can pay for things like our WaterBabies class and not think twice about it when other moms I know say things like, "Oh, but that's very expensive isn't it?". I mean, I guess? But what else am I spending money on?

So would life be easier with two incomes? Maybe? But we'd need more stuff, more space, more food, etc. There are certain things that would be easier with another parent- like I could go do something and have 'free' childcare. But I do sort of have this because boyfriend will watch MJ if there's something I really need to do.  In the same way that many single parents have extended family who can help them out. I do know some single parents who are entirely on their own, but many have a village, or build a village that can support them. It's not the same as a partner who has an actual responsibility to the child, but a good network goes a long way. And if my village can't watch MJ, then I just have to pay for a sitter. It's not cheap (£10/hour) so I don't do it very often at all, but if I HAD to do it, I would do it and it's an option to me. It's not impossible, it's just money.

And let's face it, I knew that having a child would entirely shift my life, and my habits would change. I guess I'm just happy that overall, we're not struggling or anything. We're not rolling in it, but we're fine. We can have nice things (some gently used) and we can go on holidays and have nice food and swim lessons. What else do we need really? I guess because I don't know any different- that I've been on my own for so long, that I planned for having a child, and was financially ready to change my habits, that it's generally all worked out fine. Maybe I'd be amazed at how much more spending power I'd have if I had a partner? But somehow I don't think so. And anyway, it doesn't matter, because we're all good!