16w - Constipation

It seems uncanny that on almost all of the pregnancy apps and in the books I read, they have started to mention constipation. I'm afraid I'm suffering from it, and it is not fun. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, and I've just added two morning prunes to my diet to hope that helps even things out. Yesterday I had to retreat to the bathroom twice for over 15 minutes each time. I work in an open plan office and in a small team. People notice when you disappear. That's all I'm saying. Aside from the general unpleasantness and fear that I'm going to give myself hemorrhoids, or rather, worsen what I already have. I've been looking online for additional remedies I can add to my diet. The one thing they all say is to drink more water which is something of a downfall for me because I've never been able to drink that much water (or drink anything in general, they don't call me the camel for nothing). I've increased my water drinking with the pregnancy, but I still probably drink less than  your average person. So I'm going to work on that as well. Blah.

Midwife appointment yesterday went well. My blood pressure is very good. Better in fact, then when I was not pregnant. I asked if it's normal for your blood pressure to drop during pregnancy and the midwife said at this stage yes. Anyway, that's alright. The midwife was annoyed on my behalf that when I went for the 12 week scan they didn't do the Nuchal screening test. Although the NIPT is a more accurate test, it's not a fail-safe and a double check would have been completely reasonable. I was a little bit annoyed at myself for not advocating better at the time. Now it's too late. So I'll just have to rely on the NIPT results alone. We also went through all the results of my blood work that I got done after my first appointment and everything was normal and good. Including my iron, which I was concerned about. I also learned that I am blood type O+. I'm not sure I knew that, although my mom did say she thought I was O something.

My gut area is feeling bloated again, although hard to tell if it's from growing baby girl or from constipation. I mean, the belly is going to keep growing, so these feelings are normal. I'm just not sure what it's from at the moment. In the long run it probably doesn't matter. I'm still wearing my regular clothes however. Maybe not the tightest stuff, but most of it seems fine.

I intermittently feel upset that my best friend has gone back to not talking to me. I can't remember what I've put here about this situation. Suffice to say, she's been trying to get pregnant (for kid #3) at the same time I was trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant, she didn't. She stopped talking to me. Then she started talking to me again a month later, but really it was only because she got pregnant, but then things went wrong and she lost the pregnancy, so now she's not speaking to me again. She's struggled with fertility issues for years, and it's amazing she has the two kids she already has. She's been depressed and probably hasn't slept well for 4 years. So I understand she's not well. But even though I understand that, it doesn't mean that her absence of friendship doesn't hurt me at the same time. It's upsetting. And I have a lot of other friends who are awesome and interested and available so I feel rude for complaining about this one friendship, especially to people who are being so great. So I'm also trying not to talk about it to too many people, but it still upsets me a lot.

76dpo 13w2d - How to tell

I continue to mull over the idea of doing some sort of pregnancy announcement. My books are varied in when the first trimester ends- end of 12th or 13th week. Tomorrow is officially 13 weeks by fertilization date. My birthday is in a week, so I was debating putting something up then, as I'm expecting a bunch of the standard happy birthday messages on Facebook. I've been telling people in person, but there are a lot of people I know who live in other countries, so this would be an easy way to get the word out. Isn't that what social media is sort of for? I'd like to be able to tell people in person, but I guess it's the next best thing. I haven't come up with any sort of clever way to do it- probably just a picture from the last scan.

It's been a bit weird for me that two good friends of mine, of the same age, who both got pregnant around when I got pregnant have both lost their pregnancies. I was excited that we were all pregnant, and now they are not. I'm feeling as though I am past most of the danger points, although there is always a small risk. A work colleague lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks last year, and I know of someone else who found out their baby had died just a couple of weeks before birth. While I still worry on some level, I am starting to feel ever so cautiously optimistic that this is really happening and I'm going to have a baby. It's hard not to feel guilty that I am still pregnant when they aren't. I mean, not guilty like there's anything wrong, but that I know my pregnancy may hurt them or be hard to deal with which makes me sad.

In other entertaining news, I had to remind my mother that presents for the baby do not equate to birthday presents for me. She was very kind and offered me one of the baby items as a birthday present, but for my birthday- in a week. I suggested to her there were any number of things she could give to me, and that if she wanted to get things for the baby, that was awesome, but it wasn't exactly a present for me. Having talked to her last night, I think she may now look into getting me a pregnancy massage or something like that, which would be very cool. I also suggested a jewelry (for me) that symbolized impending motherhood. A meal voucher. You know, something FOR me? Anyway, it was funny and she took it all in good humor. I'm being usurped by the granddaughter already, and it's still a ways before she gets here!!

In better news, I weighed myself this morning and I seem to be back at a 'normal' weight and not the heavy weight I got last week. I'll check again the next couple of days because my scale can be wonky. However, I was concerned I'd put on too much weight; if the scale was right this morning, I've only put in 2 pounds since the start of the pregnancy as opposed to 7. Which would be much better.

63dpo 11w3d - Still waiting

I figure today would be the absolute earliest I would get an email with the NIPT results and it won't be until later in the day because of the time difference to the States.  But really I'm not expecting it today. I'm starting to feel a bit anxious about the results. Because I did not do PGS testing, I have the standard chances of the fetus having chromosomal abnormalities. Because the age of the egg was 38 or 39 as opposed to my current age of 41, there are slightly better odds but they are still not great.

Apparently the risk of Down Syndrom is between 1/175 and 1/137.  The risk of any chromosomal abnormality is between 1/102 and 1/83. Now of course many of those random abnormalities cause
miscarriages or a lack of development.  I know that little squidge is developing at the right pace, so I think my odds are slightly better for the general chromosomal abnormalities, but perhaps not for Down Syndrome.  I'm really not sure. And while I wouldn't be confident of winning a draw with those odds, it's not so large that I feel confident I won't get the short straw.

At any rate, the fact is that the genetic makeup of the squidge is already established and all that is happening now is that I am waiting to find out what it is.  Worrying makes no difference. I'm just impatient.

My body continues to subtly change. Mostly now I feel constantly bloated or 'full'. I can tell that I am fuller above my belly button, towards my lower rib cage, or at least that there is pressure there. It's not obvious to anyone else other than me, and mostly I notice because of the pressure feeling. I think I still have a way to go before I properly show or anything like that.

I managed to start a conversation with the boyfriend last night which although inconclusive was progress. I know that he's really still not come to terms with what this pregnancy means for him, or how he thinks about it. I stressed that how it feels to me is that he is tolerating my pregnancy, and that tolerating it is not really going to fly in the longer term. He insisted that was not how he felt, but then it was also clear that he's still conflicted. I think he worries that he will become attached to my child, but that I could 'disappear' with the child at any time. Of course this could happen in general, and there are no guarantees in life. It's something he needs to mentally come to terms with. But at least we are talking about it, and there is still time.

In completely unrelated news, I still have a wicked bruise on my left arm from the blood drawn at my GP's office almost two weeks ago now. I've started taking some iron supplements because although they did not call me to say that I'm anemic, I cant' think of any other reason why the bruises are fading so slowly.

54dpo 10w1d - Worrying

It's very easy for me to generally forget that I'm pregnant. I don't have any major symptoms other than tiredness. My breasts seem to have settled a bit after growing some and being sensitive. I still get very fleeting moments of feeling 'off' but nothing as much as nausea or throwing up.

Yesterday I convinced myself that maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore or had miscarried (or had a 'missed miscarriage since I haven't had any cramps or bleeding at all). So I peed on a stick which reassuringly came up straight away pregnant. But then I wondered if it was lighter than the last time I did the test. I think this is somewhat brought on my by wanting to schedule my NIPT this Friday. I can't quite find the one I want without a scan, so I get a scan thrown in (or rather, I pay for it). So I started to wonder and worry about what the scan might show.

This all ended up meaning that in general I felt grumpy yesterday. I may have been snappy with the boyfriend, which also continues to bother me because we've still not talked about the baby situation. I'm still annoyed that I need to bring it up and that he doesn't talk to me. I will, at some point, but maybe not when I'm feeling grumpy about it.

Actually, maybe I just feel irritable in general. It's hard to think of things that are making me happy right now. Work is stressful. People annoy me. Not all people, but a lot of them. I'm sure that the stress at work is not helping, and the stress of worrying and trying not to worry is not helping. I keep expecting the bad news to hit, and that's just not a useful mindset.

The only moderately positive thing on the pregnancy front is that I reduced my progesterone/Cyclogest to one a day and I only have one more day before it's gone. I was a bit worried about reducing to one a day, especially when so many women online seem to report staying on until week 12 and here I was reducing at week 9 to stop at week 10. But so far, no difference in my body or discharge or anything, so I assume it's all fine? Yay to fewer fingers in bums!

48 dpo 9w2d - First midwife appointment

I've had my first midwife appointment which was fine.  It took some time, as there seemed to be a lot of information to enter into the system.  I would say the meeting was mostly procedural.  There wasn't necessarily any new information from this meeting. She went over with me what vitamins I should be taking, what I should and shouldn't be eating, that I should be exercising but not adding new hardcore routines. I brought along a printout of the donor profile so I could answer any questions about 'the other side' which was useful. We touched briefly on where I might want to give birth, and who might be in the room with me. I don't know yet enough about my pregnancy to make any decisions about where to give birth, although I know I really don't want to do it at home. I think I will be too high risk for that anyway, but it otherwise it really doesn't interest me. The birth center is literally attached to the delivery hospital (same building) so you can always start off in the birth center and be quickly transferred if needed, which seems reasonable. But I'll find out more about how it works later in the pregnancy. We also discussed my relationship with the boyfriend and she agreed that a doula is probably a good idea for me, even if the boyfriend decides he wants to be involved. So that was good to talk about albeit briefly.

Part of the meeting was clearly to assess risk factors.  Because of my age (almost 42) and my weight (BMI 34.5) and my history of an abdominal surgery (ovary removal) this puts me at various risks for various things. So one of the things she set me up with was a meeting with an obstetrician.  I guess in the UK you don't meet with an obstetrician regularly unless you are high risk. So I'll go to be assessed and either they'll continue to want to see me or they'll release me back to my midwife team/GP. I may also have an extra scan due to my age. I'm also at a higher risk for pre-eclampsia so I'll need to start taking a daily baby aspirin at 12 weeks.

But basically that was all fine.  The next steps are that I scheduled a blood test for Thursday and I need to also provide a urine sample (in the smallest urine pot known to man I might add). I am now expecting 3 letters: a welcome from the midwife detailing our discussion and baby aspirin stuff; an appointment letter for my 12 week scan at the hospital which includes a permission form for the Nuchal screening; and, an appointment letter for a meeting with the obstetrician.  I've also confirmed that they don't do NIPT yet, so I'm going to schedule that next week. The midwife told me about another Cambridge based private clinic that offers it, but it's cheaper at the one I found already, so I think I'll stick to that. I think I'll also go for the Serenity Plus test over the Harmony. I don't think it makes very much difference at all, except I think I'll get the Serenity results quicker.

Oh, and I also asked about the Cyclogest/progesterone because I'm down to just a few days left. The midwife said I needed to call the IVF clinic to ask how long I should be on it, so I called them when I got back and had a very nice chat with one of the nurses who was there throughout my procedures. She said they normally would end around 7 weeks, and they're happy for it to stop at 9 weeks. She said it's up to me if I stop cold turkey or reduce then taper but it shouldn't make any difference at this point. So I think I will do a full dose tomorrow which is officially 9 weeks if you follow the retrieval/fertilization date. Then I will drop to one a day until I run out and I might every other day the last one or two. So that's one bit of good news that I don't have to be sticking things up my bottom twice a day very soon!

In other news, another woman on the forum in my group has miscarried which is just awful. I was hoping that we would not be the standard statistic as a group and yet we have reached it. And there could still yet be more. It's so heartbreaking. I try to stick to my mantra but am well aware there are still some big hurdles to get past. The NIPT and the 12 week scan being the big ones. I know that there is nothing I can do. What is going to happen is going to happen. The not knowing can be just so hard though.

29dpo 6w4d - Mantras

I peed on a stick this morning to see if I was still pregnant.  The pregnancy line came up faster than the control line, like, the second the urine touched the mark.  It was strong and dark quickly.  So yep, still pregnant, and strongest reaction yet.

My last post clearly had some unfortunate foreshadowing as the first woman in my pregnancy group on the forum has gone out.  This was of course upsetting to hear.  She had worries, because everyone has worries, but nothing that appeared to be anything obvious.  Retrospectively you could say 'this, that, and the other', but the reality is, it's easy to look back and see obvious, I don't think it was.  So, shocking, and sad.

It's hard not to hear that and have the surge of panic about your own situation.  I'm mindful that I have not done PGS testing on the embryos.  It was something I looked in to and was not available. My clinic was not in favor, although it's clearly more and more common in the States.  While there can obviously still be loads of issues with PGS tested embryos, it does seem to reduce the chance of miscarriage by about 9-10% according to one clinic's statistics.  It seems for the age of my embryo egg (38, not my current age of 41) the miscarriage rate for me at this point is around 20%+ or 1 in 5. Again, sobering thoughts.

But again, NOTHING I can do at this point.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen.  My mantra is simply to repeat this thought.  It is the waiting that is stressful and what will be will be.  Take each day is it comes.  Accept each day and each moment for what it is.  Be confident in the knowledge that I will be able to manage each moment, no matter what happens, but that worrying about possible futures, of which I have no control over, is not productive for me, or for the growing fetus.  Repeat.

It could also be that I continue with a pregnancy and find out their are other issues that will require difficult choices.  Yesterday I was looking at where I could get a NIPT done locally as a useful Facebook advertisement popped up.  Usually I ignore those, but finally a relevant one indicated there's a private clinic in Grantchester which will do it for cheaper than a London clinic.  If I manage to make it to 10 weeks, and it's not available through the NHS, I'm definitely doing a private NIPT.

I am also mindful that there is a potential discrepancy between my dpo and week calculation of up to 3 days. This is because my cycles are slightly longer, typically.  So when I use various online calculators, they suggest based on dpo that I'm 6w1d not 6w4d.  This is of course important as every benchmark is measured in what week you are at- if only you get to this week your risks reduce, blah blah blah.  I of course want to be at the further ahead date, but should realistically be considering myself the further behind date.

Mantra.  Repeat.