1y1m27d : Single parenting thoughts - finances

I am a single mother. My daughter has one parent, me. And of course this comes with certain special issues that 2-parent families don't have to deal with. But most of the time, I don't feel any different from any other parent. In fact, I often think things are easier that it's ONLY me and my daughter and I'm not having to deal with another person in our family.

People sometimes say things like, "I don't know how you do it!" or, "You're so strong!". Really? Because I'm just living my life and I happen to be raising a tiny human. Sometimes I think that because I had a child when I was older, and that I was as prepared as I could be, particularly, although not exclusively, financially, that it's just a bit easier for me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an academic. I do not make a lot of money. I'm solidly middle class with an income that is nowhere remotely close to six figures. But I had savings; and, I was lucky that trying to conceive didn't eat it all up.  I also don't spend as much as I once did on things like eating out, or gig tickets, or travel, because it's that much harder with a  young child. And I've never been much into clothes - I do buy clothes but I tend to wait for sales, or indulge in my eBay addiction for used stuff which is much, much cheaper.

And to be honest, raising MJ at this point in time isn't horrifically expensive (once you account for nursery, which IS horrifically expensive, but I've got that covered). The investment in cloth diapers was a bit of an outlay, but now I don't buy diapers, so I think that works out better in the long run (and, of course, I got a bunch off eBay so they were lower cost).  It means I have a bit of spending money for small indulgences- books and toys which mostly are pretty cheap. And I also get most of her stuff (like clothes) off eBay because it's ridiculous how expensive new kids clothes are and how very little they've been worn. It means I can pay for things like our WaterBabies class and not think twice about it when other moms I know say things like, "Oh, but that's very expensive isn't it?". I mean, I guess? But what else am I spending money on?

So would life be easier with two incomes? Maybe? But we'd need more stuff, more space, more food, etc. There are certain things that would be easier with another parent- like I could go do something and have 'free' childcare. But I do sort of have this because boyfriend will watch MJ if there's something I really need to do.  In the same way that many single parents have extended family who can help them out. I do know some single parents who are entirely on their own, but many have a village, or build a village that can support them. It's not the same as a partner who has an actual responsibility to the child, but a good network goes a long way. And if my village can't watch MJ, then I just have to pay for a sitter. It's not cheap (£10/hour) so I don't do it very often at all, but if I HAD to do it, I would do it and it's an option to me. It's not impossible, it's just money.

And let's face it, I knew that having a child would entirely shift my life, and my habits would change. I guess I'm just happy that overall, we're not struggling or anything. We're not rolling in it, but we're fine. We can have nice things (some gently used) and we can go on holidays and have nice food and swim lessons. What else do we need really? I guess because I don't know any different- that I've been on my own for so long, that I planned for having a child, and was financially ready to change my habits, that it's generally all worked out fine. Maybe I'd be amazed at how much more spending power I'd have if I had a partner? But somehow I don't think so. And anyway, it doesn't matter, because we're all good!

1y1m18d : When do you feel like a mom?

One thing that I have noticed since MJ has arrived, is how much I still feel very much like myself.  I am somewhat intrigued by people who say things like, 'Motherhood completes me.' or 'I've always wanted to be a mom'. I mean, I've always thought I would have a child (and now I do) but what does that mean to BE a mom?

I had MJ later in life, when I was already 42 (my Douglas Adam year). In preparation for MJ and just in general, I had shaped my life into something that made me pretty happy.  I have a job I love, I am solvent, I own a home (although I currently rent it out and live in another, but hey ho). I've dealt with a lot of my demons and baggage.  I am probably one of the best versions of myself now, then I have ever been.  But if MJ had not come along, this would still be true. My life, and who I am, is very independent of MJ.  I am a whole and fulfilled person who happens to have wanted, and then had, a child.  But if MJ had not happened, then I would have found something else meaningful to fill that spot.

So then what does it mean to feel like a mom? I am a mom for sure.  I put MJ's needs first (for the most part, when reasonable, I mean, her needs can't ALWAYS be first, mommy needs to pee). I have merged my caring for her into my life and routine, without giving up or particularly changing who I am. I have changed what I DO, because I have had to. You can't suddenly add a child to the mix and do everything like you used to do it.  But that was part of what I signed up to. It's no hardship, because I expected my life to change to accommodate this little person.  I just do it. And so I just AM a mother, but I'm not sure I FEEL like a mother.

I honestly am not even sure what that means. I love her in a way that is unique. But is that enough, does love make a parent?  Recently I had to travel to London for work which is about an hour by train away from Cambridge. MJ was at nursery for the day and so that was all taken care of. Yet as the train got further and further away from Cambridge I felt this pull on my heart, I could literally feel the distance between us. That if she needed me, I couldn't be there quickly for her. This felt extremely uncomfortable.  The closest thing I could think of what it felt like was the description of the connection to soul daemons in the Phillip Pullman books. I didn't like it. I then went on to think about how although I have had to come home late on occasion, we have never spent a night apart. And the thought of doing so, is equally uncomfortable.

I'm still not sure though that this feeling is, can, or should be the definition of feeling like a mother? Or maybe I'm looking for something that just isn't there. What I feel like is myself. A good version of myself. And I happen to be a mother.  Maybe that's just it.

34w2d - Obstetrician meeting

I am pleased to report that my meeting with the consultant obstetrician yesterday went very well. Unlike the first one I saw, this one was very relaxed about my birth. She checked that I knew I was there to discuss induction. I did, and said that I was inclined to not have one at 39w but would be open to one at 40w as long as I had a check first to see if anything was happening on its own. She then suggested that was fine, and that I actually wait a couple more days, especially if I had a 'stretch and sweep'. So an induction has been tentatively scheduled for February 17th. But, she also said that if I don't want one then, I don't have to have one and can just be monitored. So basically, she offered the expectant monitoring without my having to ask for it. It was all a very reasonable and unexciting conversation, so that was great.

I had my last hypnobirthing class last night which was more about after birth and once baby arrives. Which had a lot to do with breast feeding. I am intending to breast feed, so I wasn't in need of any convincing. I did say though, that for some people it just doesn't work, no matter how well intentioned, and that similar to c-sections or other things related to birth, we need to stop demonizing other choices people make. I don't have any reason at this point to think I won't be able to breast feed, and I will try everything possible to get it going. But if something is wrong and I ultimately need to switch to formula? Then that's fine too.

On Monday I have my last hospital appointment for a while, this time with one of the head midwives at the birth center. My last hoop to jump through is to get permission to be allowed into the birth center if labor starts naturally. They are not inclined to allow this initially due to my age (of course) because they want continuous monitoring which can only be done on the ward. Except there doesn't seem to be any benefit to continuous monitoring, and anyway, the birth center is one floor down from the ward, so if needed, I can be moved. Anyway, I'm hoping that the meeting goes smoothly like yesterday's did and then everything is settled.

In the meanwhile I've been working on my birth plan. I'm torn between some of the visual/picture ones I've seen and just writing one out with bullet points. At the moment I'm going bullet points because I don't have the software on my computer here to do the visual one. I'll send a draft copy to my doulas to get their input and point out anything I may have missed.

The first week of January has really flown by. Granted it was a 4-day week. Still, baby girl is going to be here before I know it. I can't believe it.

34w - Scan

Had a scan this morning due to my advanced maternal age. Apparently they offer it at 34 weeks if it's your first baby and you are and old mama.  It was exciting to see baby girl although she definitely does not fit on the screen anymore. She was presenting 'cephalic' which means 'head down'; so, basically in the right position which is good. We could only see bits and pieces of her. All the measurements were on target and baby girl is measuring above average at about the 80th percentile. Her estimated weight was 5.9lbs (2.689kg), so a healthy sized baby right now! I got to see her heart beating, and a good look at her thigh bone. We also listened to the blood pumping through the umbilical cord. We couldn't get a good look at the face as her hands were in the way, although we got to see an eye poking out. Overall it was a fairly efficient appointment and all was as it should be, so that was good.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the consultant obstetrician again. I imagine this is where they are going to pressure me to schedule an induction for 39 weeks. I am going to decline the 39w induction but tentatively agree to a 40w induction. I've looked at the research and I'm not convinced that the 39w induction is necessary or helpful. I will try to give my body as much time to go into labor as possible before resorting to an induction. This also means that at 40w, I want to be checked to see if labor is starting on its own in which case I will again reject the induction and give it a couple of days. Should be a (not so) fun talk with the doctor tomorrow. Anyway, we'll see and I'll try to report back. At least one of my doulas is coming with me which will be helpful I think.

Went to NCT prenatal (antenatal) class last night which was good. Boyfriend came with me and managed it well, and I felt positively about the experience in general. There were 7 other couples there- all traditional (man/woman, married). I think what I'm learning is that I'm more curious than other people, or that I shouldn't be so surprised that people don't do as much reading or research as I do.

Last month at work now which is all a bit mental. It seems as if there is so much to do!! And I still don't believe at all that baby can possibly come early although one of my colleagues voiced concern about that. I think after all this waiting and being pregnant for so long, this month is going to fly by!

31w2d - Hypnobirthing class and things

Pregnancy progressing- bump getting bigger.  I still feel pretty good in general.  Maybe I am starting to need to pee a bit more often but not to the point where it's unreasonable, and I don't get up at night needing to pee, so that's good. 

I have one more week of work before the holiday break.  I'm definitely looking forward to some 'nesting' time at home. My IKEA deliver is coming a week from today so most of the break will be spent setting up the nursery. I can finally start washing and sorting all the bags of hand-me-downs which would be fun and exciting. I also have some new things to wash and get ready like muslins, wipes, and cloth outer nappies. I'm just looking forward to starting to prepare.

The other day baby girl was in a position where I didn't feel her very strongly. My midwife definitely got me a bit anxious about 'not feeling her kick' which I don't think was helpful. With the anterior placenta, I think sometimes she's just muffled and I don't notice her moving for a while. With what the midwife said, this of course makes me start to worry that something is wrong. Then the next day, I feel her moving fine. I understand being aware of risks, but I don't think this is something I need to be so anxious about so I'm trying to manage it.

Went to my second hypnobirthing class last night. I've added a link to the right-hand side bar if any one is interested in finding classes in the UK or for more information. I am interested in the theories behind hypnobirthing, even if I find self-hypnosis challenging. I'm not sure that part matters so much, more the understanding of the state you are trying to achieve. I won't know until the moment obviously but if I hold on to the ideas of the course, I may be able to find that mental state in my own way at the time. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the visualization and positive thinking that goes with it.

The big thing on the pregnancy agenda right now is the process of birth. Induction or no induction? And where can I give birth? I am off work from the first of February. My plan is to do every old wives tale in the book daily to try to jump start labor. This includes nipple stimulation, orgasms, eating spicy food, raspberry leaf tea, acupuncture, reflexology, etc. Anything and everything, I'm pretty much up for it so that I can, if possible, avoid an induction. If I get to my due date at 40w, I may decide to go ahead with the induction. So we'll see. The thing is, right now they are telling me I can't go to the birthing center because I'm over 40. Apparently if I go into labor, I will need 'continuous monitoring' which they only do on the delivery unit. But that's ridiculous if there are no other risk factors and anyway they do intermittent monitoring (every 15 minutes) in the birth center, so what the fuck? I may need to go have a meeting with the head of the center to get permission to go to the birth center. I find this all frustrating. And then I hear in class, that although you may not be allowed in the birth center, you are allowed, or rather, they can't stop you from having a home birth. Now, I in no way whatsoever want a home birth. But if threatening them with me deciding to have a home birth is what makes them relent and allow me into the birth center if I happen go to into labor, then we'll see. It's really all a bit ridiculous and annoying. Which is not how you want to be feeling about giving birth. I have a meeting on Sunday with my doulas to discuss options and strategies. Fucking hell.

16w4d - Loss of Plan-A pangs

I don't think very many women set out to be a single mother in life. I believe that most women arrive at the conclusion that being a single mother is an acceptable route to a desired goal when the traditional route to that desired goal fails to materialize, typically by some particular age. Most of the time it doesn't even occur to me that this is unusual or different. This is because I have firstly, thought about it for an exceptionally long time; which has given me time to get used to the idea and have it become my normal. And secondly, because I am on forums and frequent places with many other single mothers all doing the same thing which also helps to normalize my choice. And I do appreciate the voices of those women, although many very different to me in their outlook, beliefs, and person-hood; yet we all share this one thing and it's just... normal.

But sometimes, occasionally, I have worries and doubts - about doing this alone, about being alone. How I think I can only afford (both emotionally and financially) to care for a single child and so I worry about the sort of life I am going to give to my daughter. Sometimes when checking in to social media, I see past lovers with their new partners and I feel a twinge of sorrow for what wasn't. That they found with someone else what they didn't find with me. I admit, it makes me feel a bit sorry for myself. I then progress these thoughts and think of me, the sad spinster with her only daughter. What am I doing??

And then those thoughts pass, and I tell my other self to snap out of it and stop being ridiculous! I have worked very hard to achieve the life I now lead. I don't regret for one instant the personal challenges and growth I have been through to come to a position where my life fulfillment is not dependent on another human being, even baby daughter. I believe this is a healthy reality for me, one that I have embraced, and that has made me into a satisfied adult. But it doesn't mean I'm not still human and don't wish sometimes (or mourn the loss of) the fairy tale and prince charming ending. It's impossible to completely break yourself free of your social conditioning, no matter how much growth you've had.

I don't regret my life choices in any way. And overall, I'm a pretty happy person. I couldn't have said that ten years ago at all. I couldn't have said it consistently five years ago. I have worked hard to shape my life into one I enjoy, that I can be proud of, and that fulfills me. For this, I have no regrets. I am however, only human, and sometimes thoughts of the future are scary. What if I've made some terrible mistake? I don't really think life can be a mistake as such- it's more a series of events and choices; and it's how you deal with them that shapes your outlook. Forgive me my moment of navel gazing.

48 dpo 9w2d - First midwife appointment

I've had my first midwife appointment which was fine.  It took some time, as there seemed to be a lot of information to enter into the system.  I would say the meeting was mostly procedural.  There wasn't necessarily any new information from this meeting. She went over with me what vitamins I should be taking, what I should and shouldn't be eating, that I should be exercising but not adding new hardcore routines. I brought along a printout of the donor profile so I could answer any questions about 'the other side' which was useful. We touched briefly on where I might want to give birth, and who might be in the room with me. I don't know yet enough about my pregnancy to make any decisions about where to give birth, although I know I really don't want to do it at home. I think I will be too high risk for that anyway, but it otherwise it really doesn't interest me. The birth center is literally attached to the delivery hospital (same building) so you can always start off in the birth center and be quickly transferred if needed, which seems reasonable. But I'll find out more about how it works later in the pregnancy. We also discussed my relationship with the boyfriend and she agreed that a doula is probably a good idea for me, even if the boyfriend decides he wants to be involved. So that was good to talk about albeit briefly.

Part of the meeting was clearly to assess risk factors.  Because of my age (almost 42) and my weight (BMI 34.5) and my history of an abdominal surgery (ovary removal) this puts me at various risks for various things. So one of the things she set me up with was a meeting with an obstetrician.  I guess in the UK you don't meet with an obstetrician regularly unless you are high risk. So I'll go to be assessed and either they'll continue to want to see me or they'll release me back to my midwife team/GP. I may also have an extra scan due to my age. I'm also at a higher risk for pre-eclampsia so I'll need to start taking a daily baby aspirin at 12 weeks.

But basically that was all fine.  The next steps are that I scheduled a blood test for Thursday and I need to also provide a urine sample (in the smallest urine pot known to man I might add). I am now expecting 3 letters: a welcome from the midwife detailing our discussion and baby aspirin stuff; an appointment letter for my 12 week scan at the hospital which includes a permission form for the Nuchal screening; and, an appointment letter for a meeting with the obstetrician.  I've also confirmed that they don't do NIPT yet, so I'm going to schedule that next week. The midwife told me about another Cambridge based private clinic that offers it, but it's cheaper at the one I found already, so I think I'll stick to that. I think I'll also go for the Serenity Plus test over the Harmony. I don't think it makes very much difference at all, except I think I'll get the Serenity results quicker.

Oh, and I also asked about the Cyclogest/progesterone because I'm down to just a few days left. The midwife said I needed to call the IVF clinic to ask how long I should be on it, so I called them when I got back and had a very nice chat with one of the nurses who was there throughout my procedures. She said they normally would end around 7 weeks, and they're happy for it to stop at 9 weeks. She said it's up to me if I stop cold turkey or reduce then taper but it shouldn't make any difference at this point. So I think I will do a full dose tomorrow which is officially 9 weeks if you follow the retrieval/fertilization date. Then I will drop to one a day until I run out and I might every other day the last one or two. So that's one bit of good news that I don't have to be sticking things up my bottom twice a day very soon!

In other news, another woman on the forum in my group has miscarried which is just awful. I was hoping that we would not be the standard statistic as a group and yet we have reached it. And there could still yet be more. It's so heartbreaking. I try to stick to my mantra but am well aware there are still some big hurdles to get past. The NIPT and the 12 week scan being the big ones. I know that there is nothing I can do. What is going to happen is going to happen. The not knowing can be just so hard though.

IVF 1 - Day 23 Transfer complete

Back from the clinic.  The transfer went very smoothly with minimal discomfort.  I got a few blurry pictures of the blastocyst on the screen before the transfer.  I may try to get one of those off the phone and onto here later.  The procedure itself was relatively simple.  I changed into a hospital gown, went to the treatment room, hopped up on the table.  They cleaned me and inserted a speculum, cleaned the cervix and then put a catheter just through the cervix.  Then they let the embryology team know they are ready and the embryologist loads a small catheter with the embryo and solution.  This is then threaded through the catheter in the womb opening and further up into the uterus.  The plunger is depressed and you can actually see a little white spot on the ultrasound forming where the fluid (and embryo) come out.  The catheters are then removed.  The embryologist then thoroughly checks their catheter to ensure that the embryo didn't get stuck to it anywhere (as they're very sticky at this stage) and if you're given the all clear then they remove the speculum and that's it.  I was given the all clear.  They did warn me that sometimes the embryo gets stuck and they have to reload it and do it again, but luckily that didn't happen.

In the end, I decided to transfer the one blastocyst from the frozen egg.  It had actually been the second best blastocyst (I got that wrong) in the morning but by noon, it was the same quality as the other that emerged faster.  Both were already hatching, so that was all promising.  The reason I decided on one was due to the risk factors of multiples and also that the success rate chances for the frozen egg is better because it's younger.  If it doesn't take and I need to do a frozen embryo transfer, then I may rethink the strategy of how many I put back.

Because.... the two slow emergers from this morning developed into full good quality blastocysts by the afternoon!!  Completely unexpected!  I was really shocked by this news.  So in the end, with 8 fresh eggs collected and 2 frozen eggs successfully thawed, I ended up with 4 good quality blastocysts; 1 from the frozen eggs and 3 from the fresh.  Those are pretty good statistics so I'm very happy with the numbers.  Of course I'll be even more happy with a successful pregnancy, but it seems like a good starting point.  So if this transfer doesn't work, I have 3 embryos to work with.  All in all, a good result.

The clinic gave me a pregnancy test and said that I need to test in 10 days.  I will of course be peeing on sticks well before that.  If today is day 6, then the earliest you could get a pregnancy read is day 8/9.  So I'll give it a few days and probably start testing in the morning like I did before.  Until the 'right' day when I will use the test they gave me.

So that's where I'm at.  Exciting and terrifying.  As usual.

IVF 1 - Day 23 6 Day report and transfer

So the good news is that two of the morulas have emerged to be good blastocysts.  One is from one of the frozen eggs (the leading blastocyst rated good/very good which is partially emerging/hatching) and the other is from the fresh collection (rated good/good).  Two more emerged but have yet to re-inflate so are considered slow growers and perhaps not good for freezing.  Two failed to emerge. This means I am going for a transfer today!

When I was speaking to the embryologist this morning she dropped into our conversation something about transferring two.  I have been reasonably comfortable with the idea of transferring one.  I was a bit surprised that she assumed I would transfer two as my clinic is very much against increasing the risk of multiples and makes a big deal about transferring one.  So I am struck with a conundrum.  Do I transfer one or two?  I can wait until the transfer to decide which is exactly 2 hours away.  I texted a good friend of mine who has undergone many many IVF cycles (15?).  Her first pregnancy was with twins and it did not end happily.  It was a complicated pregnancy (she is tiny) where she delivered prematurely.  One of the babies had problems and was in the NICU for months before finally succumbing to his issues.  While she's been very aggressive about fertility treatment, she says that she would never suggest to anyone to put back more than one now.

The balance is this - as you get older, your chance of successful live birth go down rapidly due to non-viability issues.  If they transfer two, your risk of multiples goes up.  Basically you are playing a game with weighing the risk of multiples against increasing your chances for one healthy baby.  If you do one at a time, you are looking at financial, time, and emotional costs.  If you transfer two, you run the risk of a multiple pregnancy which is higher risk and could result in various complications including increasing your chance of miscarriage.  Basically, for women under 38 they only recommend one but as you get older, the viability issue creeps up and up making it balance out to suggest that they are more comfortable with two.

I have the added complication that the leading embryo is not from 41 year old me but from 38 or 39 year old me, so right on the cusp.  Maybe if it was two 41 year old embryos, I'd feel differently.  But I'm nervous.  I do not want twins.  I am prepared to raise a single child.  I will obviously make due if I get identical twins.  But I do not need to do anything to increase my risks of multiples because it would make life incredibly difficult.

So I'm leaning towards the one and freezing the other.  The clinic says they have a 90-95% success rate with thawing embryos, so it's very likely that if this one doesn't take I can do a frozen embryo transfer.  If that one doesn't take, I can do all of this over again.  It's not like I have so many embryos to freeze.  We're talking about one frozen embryo transfer before I'd have to start anew if this one doesn't take.

So I think I'm leaning towards transferring the one, but I will definitely talk to the doctor when I'm at the clinic later to make the final decision.  I'm not against it if they think it's a very good idea.  But I definitely do not want to increase my risk of twins by much at all.

Very excited about the transfer today.  Still can't really believe it.  Still very nervous that it's just going to be negative results.  Trying not to be too hopeful but maintain positivity.

Pre IVF consultation

I had my pre IVF consultation with my clinic this afternoon.  I went there thinking I had a perfectly reasonable plan which has been encouraged both by my egg freezing doctor (way back when) and by the first doctor I saw at this clinic.  This was, mainly, to do a fresh IVF cycle and save my frozen eggs as a last resort.

This plan was immediately questioned by the doctor I met to have my consultation with.  It was the same doctor who did my Hycosi although that was the only time I've met with him previously.  He thought I should be going straight to my frozen eggs as this would give me the best chance of success at this stage.  Now, the reason for not using the frozen eggs straight away was if I am fertile now, that gives me an option for the future, if I want one.  I don't at the moment think I want one.  I think that one child would be all I want.  But I liked the idea of holding something in reserve.  However, the doctor was really surprised and encouraged me to not put my body through IVF when I could use frozen eggs.  So this threw my thinking completely out. I held firm at first, and then as we kept talking I started questioning myself.

In addition to this confusion, he was looking at my file and saying that I needed to attend the 'information session' as a matter of policy.  Now, way back when, when I started treatment they said I had to do the information session.  Then, when I explained I'd done egg freezing and was pretty well versed in the fertility sphere, they said I didn't have to.  But apparently now I do have to.  So I got scheduled in to attend an information session where I strongly doubt I will learn anything new.  In addition to this hoop jumping, he informed me that I also needed a consultation with a counselor about the implications of using donor sperm.  I don't mind meeting with a counselor, but again, I feel fairly well versed in the implications of using donor sperm and am in fact this weekend going to a conference hosted by the DCN - so I will jump through this hoop but it annoyed me.

Anyway, back to the consultation.

So the doctor relented that ultimately it was my decision but it was clear he didn't think I should be doing fresh IVF to start.  He was also saying that a lot of things had to happen to start the cycle so I couldn't just assume I could start with my period in May which stressed me out.  He then saw me getting stressed and tried to convey that staying calm through all this is helpful for getting pregnant. In the meantime, I'm thinking to myself that I understand where he's coming from but he's not being particularly helpful in ensuring that I am calm because he's causing all sorts of disruptions to things that I thought were reasonably fixed!

So as we're discussing it back and forth, and he's making me feel not so great by commenting that if I only got 6,4, and 3 eggs on my egg freezing cycles that my chances for IVF retrieval at this stage were not so great, he mentions that I could consider doing a fresh IVF cycle and also at the same time defrosting half of the frozen eggs to increase my chances of having one or two viable embryos.  Now this sounded better to me.  First, because I can plan to start the IVF cycle in May and now it's really about getting in touch with my London clinic to arrange the transfer of my eggs to Cambridge and having them in place for this to happen.  It also allows me to save half of the frozen eggs for a second try either immediately if this doesn't work, or in the future possibly.  So I think out of the 13 frozen eggs I have, I may suggest they start by defrosting 6 for this cycle.  Those will need to be fertilized with ICSI, and they can be watched alongside anything that may be retrieved from the fresh cycle.

So it's a slightly different plan but one I actually feel reasonably good about.  I am also going to email the embryologist to see what would happen for example, if the 6 don't defrost or fertilize for some reason, would there be time to defrost the other 7 in this cycle (I actually have no idea how long it takes to defrost an egg although I assume not so quickly).  This means I am now waiting for them to price up this option and the drugs costs and then I can order my drugs and schedule a counselling session and attend the information evening and be all set to start my IVF drugs on day 2 of my period.

Phew.

So a good result in the end that I have a plan and it's all systems go.  But really more stressful than it needed to be and a bit of a kick from a doctor who was clearly trying to tell me that he didn't think my odds were so great being over 40.  But anyway, I'll see what I get fresh, and I'll give some of those frozen eggs a chance and we'll see where we get to.

But first I need to call my old clinic and see about getting those eggs transferred to Cambridge.  I'm sure I'll need to sign a release or some such even though I will never actually see these eggs and it will all be done clinic to clnic.  The UK is very strict on fertility issues!  So much paperwork.

Anyway, it seems like more updates will be on the way as the planning progresses.