1y5m15d : One or Two?

I wrote this as a response to someone else on the SMC forum. This comes up a lot for me, this idea of one child or two.  I liked what I wrote so I thought I'd put it here as part of this story.

I went into becoming a single mother thinking I would only have one. My 'dream Plan A' of finding a partner included having 2, but when I reduced that dream to the Plan B just me, I also reduced the child count to account for it. Not that this makes sense to anyone else necessarily, but I sort of felt like, two parents to two kids is a replacement one for one in an overpopulated world, and so one to one just made sense to me.

I'm an only child, and I really don't remember minding being an only child and now as an independent adult, I really don't mind being an only child at all. I think every individual person is so different, you can't know what a person will feel or want in terms of their relationships or 'how they'll feel about things' that they have or don't have. You also don't know if two children will have a great sibling bond, or a horrid sibling bond. I know people with both, and as I don't have any myself, I don't romanticize it either way. I think it's a crap shoot be honest.

So with me being so sure I wanted one, why have I felt conflicted? The online SMC forums. Peer pressure. That's it. I've posted about it before in other places. It never occurred to me to want another child, until I was suddenly faced with lots of people both here and in real life from my mum and baby groups that do. Suddenly, oh the pressure!!! The doubt!! I can afford my one child and we can have a good life together where I can give her enriching experiences and we can enjoy travel and other such things together. I do not have the capacity to live that life with two children. I would need to live an entirely different life with two children, simply for the sake of having two children. And when I think very hard about the type of life -I- want to live, it is very much the one with one child, not two.

But I still feel pressure. It's very real and tangible. It doesn't mean I actually want 2. I'm not sure what it means exactly. But I know when I take MJ to swim class, that there would be no way I could take another child to swim class. So she'd have to give up hers, and I couldn't offer that to another child. I know I can just about afford nursery fees for one, but I'd be stretched and either sucking down my savings or going in to debt to pay for nursery for 2. The knock on effect would be, I couldn't jaunt off to Denmark next week to see a friend if I had two. I couldn't afford it, and probably couldn't manage it (I'm taking a travel cot for one, but two??). I look ahead and think about maybe private school and music lessons and other classes/lessons and more travel and whatever else and I know that lifestyle is predicated on my one child.

And when I think about her, and me and her together, my heart is so full and I think our relationship is so special, I am actually satisfied. And I think that's important- that I am actually satisfied with what I have.

Because it means when I feel that pressure, and nagging guilt, that I really have to think about why I'm feeling it. It's not because I'm not fulfilled. And as I said, I don't have strong feelings about siblings either way, so I don't think MJ is going to have a worse life without a sibling. So what is it? It's just this other thing of expectation and pressure and external society and a bit of 'keeping up with the Jonses' and it's not really about what I actually want at all. It's more about what I somewhere in some part of my head think I should be doing. Except I really don't.

It doesn't make it less real however. And it means I'm never entirely comfortable even though from the start I really only wanted one. I still pay storage on my 3 embryos, 7 eggs, and 3 vials of sperm and I honestly don't know what I want to do with them. I may try to donate the eggs and embryos in the future. But I also probably hold on to them a little bit to make the decision a little less final. Even though I'm 98% sure I'm a one and done mom.

IVF 1 - Day 32 9dp6dt 4w4d

After tomorrow which is the 'official' testing day, I'm going to change the heading to reflect days past ovulation (currently 15dpo) and pregnancy weeks for simplicity's sake.  It's good to know both, I think, and I can't keep calling this IVF 1!

Tested positive again this morning.  The good thing about my cheap eBay strips is that they are showing continual progression.  Today was clearer than  yesterday.  I think I will continue to take them to give myself some confidence that my hCG levels are rising since I can't get the blood tests to otherwise show it.  It's actually a fairly useful way to measure an increase, although obviously I can't tell by how much.

Still having a bit of brown spotting.  Not much, mostly watery and only on the toilet paper wipe.  I'm also having a bit of 'tightness' on my right side where my ovary is.  I am of course now worried that it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  On the other hand, without a period to 'reset' the ovary post stimulation, it may still just be recovering from being enlarged.  I'm not sure.  This is something an ultrasound would potentially be able to tell me.  But I don't see how I can get one unless something starts to go really wrong.

I called my clinic today which is a day early to report the positives.  I also called because it said in the take home information sheet that if you have a positive test and spotting you should call immediately. I'm still not overly concerned with the amount of spotting I'm seeing- it's not increasing and is now always brown.  But I thought I'd call them anyway.  They arranged an order for more progesterone/Cyclogest.  They were going to send 3 boxes of 15 and I asked for 4.  I don't think the extra progesterone hurts, and it seems more standard to go to week 9 or 10 from others so I asked for an extra box which should get me to week 9.  It wasn't particularly expensive.  I'll need to update the budget.  I guess I'll keep updating the budget until a baby is hopefully born.  I'm also still waiting for the bill for the assisted hatching and blastocyst freezing.

It's really weird because basically my clinic now releases me to the NHS for care.  I feel like this is very quick and that other clinics in other countries continue with the patient until the first scan and then release them.  This means that other than the progesterone, I've got nothing else to do but wait for a letter containing information about my first scan which should be around week 7-8.  I guess there isn't anything else that I can be doing, because what will be will be, it just seems a rather sudden drop off a cliff. I've been so used to constant appointments and 'hand holding' that now I just feel a bit adrift.

I'm sure this will change though.

I'm also still in the 'I can't believe it' stage.  This is helped by the fact that I'm not feeling anything physically.  First trimester symptoms start to occur when the hCG really surges (and then tapers off) so I'm clearly not there yet.  It's so surreal.

IVF 1 - Day 31 8dp6dt 4w3d

This morning, my cheap Ebay test strip had a faint squinter line visible on it.  The First Response test was again positive.  Looks like hCG levels must be rising, and so far I'm positive.  At 4 weeks 3 days it's still very early.  It's 14 days past ovulation.  There's a lot that can go wrong in the next few weeks.

I can't believe it yet.  I don't feel anything at all to indicate there is something growing inside of me. Last night and this morning I had a bit of spotting and last night I felt crampy.  I don't know if that was from the excitement, the spotting, or actual cramps.  But this morning still positive tests, and no cramping, so okay.

I went for the private blood test I paid for this morning and it took her two tries to get it out of me.  I have no idea when I'll get the results or what the results will actually be.  Having already paid for this test and taken it, it could very well be a 'yes you are pregnant' or 'no you are not pregnant' sort of test with no actual beta hCG numbers provided.  I am beyond frustrated with my inability to get beta hCG blood tests here the way everyone else seems to have as standard as part of fertility treatments.  If I was in London, this would be very easy as I see a lot of the fertility clinics offer it.  I've already written to my clinic here in Cambridge suggesting they make it an optional add-on (or just make it standard).  I never heard anything back from my GP who I contacted and offered to pay for it myself.

However, a positive test is a positive test.  So right at this moment, I am pregnant, although we have a long way to go before there is a baby.

Holy shit.

I've told most people who know that I'm trying about the early result.  I'm not a superstitious kind of person.  In fact I'm against most of the 'secrecy' and 'careful' aspects of early pregnancy.  First of all, if I get upset because I miscarry, I want to be able to talk to people who know me and care about me. Secondly, we need to stop freaking women out that they can control miscarriage and it's their fault if they exercise wrong or bend over funny or whatever it is.  The uterus is incredibly good at guarding it's contents.  Think about how hard it is to get rid of a baby that you don't want!  And yet we freak out women that if they sneeze funny, they could damage or lose the fetus.  So I'm going to tell people what's going on with me and continue to go to yoga and ride my bike to work, and what have you. And I will talk to people about things if they go wrong.  And I'm sure I'll put stuff here as well.

IVF 1 - Day 30 7dp6dt OMG OMG OMG

IVF 1 - Day 28 5dp6dt

Three days of testing, three negative tests. Still early for sure, but getting less early. I was in the pharmacy yesterday and was tempted to buy a brand name early response test as opposed to my eBay sticks. In the end I didn't, mainly because they had a buy one get one free but only one left. I might go back today to see if they restocked, or I could just keep doing what I'm doing. The outcome won't change, although my awareness might.

I feel nothing at all physically. The progesterone/cyclogest is going fine and I've taken them regularly, 8am & 8pm. The vaginal itching seems to have subsided, thankfully!!

Based on nothing but three too early tests and a lack of feeling anything physical at all, I think the transfer didn't stick and I am not pregnant. But I will obviously keep going, with the official clinic provided test on Friday. Just starting to prepare mentally for the disappointment. At least I have three embryos on ice.

IVF 1 - Day 23 Transfer complete

Back from the clinic.  The transfer went very smoothly with minimal discomfort.  I got a few blurry pictures of the blastocyst on the screen before the transfer.  I may try to get one of those off the phone and onto here later.  The procedure itself was relatively simple.  I changed into a hospital gown, went to the treatment room, hopped up on the table.  They cleaned me and inserted a speculum, cleaned the cervix and then put a catheter just through the cervix.  Then they let the embryology team know they are ready and the embryologist loads a small catheter with the embryo and solution.  This is then threaded through the catheter in the womb opening and further up into the uterus.  The plunger is depressed and you can actually see a little white spot on the ultrasound forming where the fluid (and embryo) come out.  The catheters are then removed.  The embryologist then thoroughly checks their catheter to ensure that the embryo didn't get stuck to it anywhere (as they're very sticky at this stage) and if you're given the all clear then they remove the speculum and that's it.  I was given the all clear.  They did warn me that sometimes the embryo gets stuck and they have to reload it and do it again, but luckily that didn't happen.

In the end, I decided to transfer the one blastocyst from the frozen egg.  It had actually been the second best blastocyst (I got that wrong) in the morning but by noon, it was the same quality as the other that emerged faster.  Both were already hatching, so that was all promising.  The reason I decided on one was due to the risk factors of multiples and also that the success rate chances for the frozen egg is better because it's younger.  If it doesn't take and I need to do a frozen embryo transfer, then I may rethink the strategy of how many I put back.

Because.... the two slow emergers from this morning developed into full good quality blastocysts by the afternoon!!  Completely unexpected!  I was really shocked by this news.  So in the end, with 8 fresh eggs collected and 2 frozen eggs successfully thawed, I ended up with 4 good quality blastocysts; 1 from the frozen eggs and 3 from the fresh.  Those are pretty good statistics so I'm very happy with the numbers.  Of course I'll be even more happy with a successful pregnancy, but it seems like a good starting point.  So if this transfer doesn't work, I have 3 embryos to work with.  All in all, a good result.

The clinic gave me a pregnancy test and said that I need to test in 10 days.  I will of course be peeing on sticks well before that.  If today is day 6, then the earliest you could get a pregnancy read is day 8/9.  So I'll give it a few days and probably start testing in the morning like I did before.  Until the 'right' day when I will use the test they gave me.

So that's where I'm at.  Exciting and terrifying.  As usual.

IVF 1 - Day 23 6 Day report and transfer

So the good news is that two of the morulas have emerged to be good blastocysts.  One is from one of the frozen eggs (the leading blastocyst rated good/very good which is partially emerging/hatching) and the other is from the fresh collection (rated good/good).  Two more emerged but have yet to re-inflate so are considered slow growers and perhaps not good for freezing.  Two failed to emerge. This means I am going for a transfer today!

When I was speaking to the embryologist this morning she dropped into our conversation something about transferring two.  I have been reasonably comfortable with the idea of transferring one.  I was a bit surprised that she assumed I would transfer two as my clinic is very much against increasing the risk of multiples and makes a big deal about transferring one.  So I am struck with a conundrum.  Do I transfer one or two?  I can wait until the transfer to decide which is exactly 2 hours away.  I texted a good friend of mine who has undergone many many IVF cycles (15?).  Her first pregnancy was with twins and it did not end happily.  It was a complicated pregnancy (she is tiny) where she delivered prematurely.  One of the babies had problems and was in the NICU for months before finally succumbing to his issues.  While she's been very aggressive about fertility treatment, she says that she would never suggest to anyone to put back more than one now.

The balance is this - as you get older, your chance of successful live birth go down rapidly due to non-viability issues.  If they transfer two, your risk of multiples goes up.  Basically you are playing a game with weighing the risk of multiples against increasing your chances for one healthy baby.  If you do one at a time, you are looking at financial, time, and emotional costs.  If you transfer two, you run the risk of a multiple pregnancy which is higher risk and could result in various complications including increasing your chance of miscarriage.  Basically, for women under 38 they only recommend one but as you get older, the viability issue creeps up and up making it balance out to suggest that they are more comfortable with two.

I have the added complication that the leading embryo is not from 41 year old me but from 38 or 39 year old me, so right on the cusp.  Maybe if it was two 41 year old embryos, I'd feel differently.  But I'm nervous.  I do not want twins.  I am prepared to raise a single child.  I will obviously make due if I get identical twins.  But I do not need to do anything to increase my risks of multiples because it would make life incredibly difficult.

So I'm leaning towards the one and freezing the other.  The clinic says they have a 90-95% success rate with thawing embryos, so it's very likely that if this one doesn't take I can do a frozen embryo transfer.  If that one doesn't take, I can do all of this over again.  It's not like I have so many embryos to freeze.  We're talking about one frozen embryo transfer before I'd have to start anew if this one doesn't take.

So I think I'm leaning towards transferring the one, but I will definitely talk to the doctor when I'm at the clinic later to make the final decision.  I'm not against it if they think it's a very good idea.  But I definitely do not want to increase my risk of twins by much at all.

Very excited about the transfer today.  Still can't really believe it.  Still very nervous that it's just going to be negative results.  Trying not to be too hopeful but maintain positivity.

IVF 1 - Day 20 3 day report

The embryologist called me this morning to report that I have 6, 3-day embryos.  One of the fertilized seven seems to have stopped after a two cell split and isn't expect to go any further.  Of the 6, four are very good and two are good.  Interestingly, from the thawed frozen eggs, the best looking 3-day embryo is one of the frozen, but the one that stopped after dividing is the other.

I discussed with the embryologist that we will wait until day 5 for a hopeful transfer.  He warned me that from these 6, I would be looking at 2-3 blastocysts comfortably, and that 4 would be an exceptional outcome.  Fingers crossed there is at least one.

I plan to transfer one blastocyst if I'm lucky enough to have more than one.  I really don't want multiples.  If it happens on its own, that's one thing, but I don't want to increase my chances by transferring two.

The laser assisted hatching will be done later today on all of the embryos.  The embryologist told me that if you do it on day 5 you risk injuring the blastocyst.  On day 3, the shell or zona pellucida is still thick and easy to nick with the laser.  It thins towards day 5 so becomes more difficult.  It seems a fairly routine procedure so I'm not too worried about anything going wrong.  Also, I asked, and it's completely fine and normal to freeze a blastocyst which has already had the assisted hatching.  I'm glad they said they'd cap the cost at £250 now!!  Otherwise that would have been £125 per embryo.  I would have spent it of course, but I'm glad for the discount with 6 to do.

I've been feeling pretty bloated and a bit crampy since the egg retrieval.  Looking online, this could also be due to starting the progesterone/Cyclogest.  I'm not loving that I've got to take a suppository twice a day for what I hope is something like the next 10 weeks.  I'll do it obviously, I'm just not loving it.  And I hope the bloating and cramps reduce.

I'm sort of amazed when I think about it- that eggs from my body have been fertilized with sperm and there is potential life in a petri dish at the clinic.  It's actually sort of hard to get my head around.  You spend so long focusing on trying to conceive, it's hard to imagine the jump to the next step. I'm not there yet of course, and all of this may not work and could go horribly wrong.  But a thread of me is still pretty hopeful and giddy with anticipation. 

IVF 1 - Day 18 fertility report

I'm at my workshop this morning, so no time for a long post.  5 of the 8 injected fresh eggs appear to have fertilized this morning, with another that may or may not (likely not) have fertilized.  Both of the frozen eggs that made it through and were injected with sperm have fertilized.  So 7 definite fertilized eggs from the 10 that got injected.  The embryologist said this was a good result as their clinic results for fertilization is 60-65% so I'm a bit higher.  Now, no news until Saturday where it will either be a 3-day transfer or a hold for day 5.  At least I have the workshop to keep me busy!!  Oh yeah, and I've started cyclogest/progesterone suppositories this morning and will be taking them every 12 hours for a while.

IVF 1 - Day 17 update

Early this afternoon my phone rang from an unlisted number.  My phone was not supposed to ring today.  I knew instantly that it was the clinic and something was wrong.  The head embryologist whom I had spoken to in recovery immediately told me that while it wasn't catastrophic, it also wasn't a good call.  Basically, out of my 6 frozen eggs, only 2 properly defrosted.  3 completely failed to reform, and 1 seemed to be okay, but then collapsed.  The 2 that defrosted properly were completely fine and able to have ICSI on them.  Out of the 9 fresh eggs collected, 8 were able to have ICSI on them.  So in total, they were able to inject 10 eggs with sperm.  Not catastrophic, but also not the best news.  In particular because the younger eggs should have a higher chance of better quality.  I'm still beyond thrilled to have had such a great fresh cycle, but the risks of chromosomal abnormalities is much greater, and increases every year.

So I'm not devastated or even particularly upset, but I'm now much more wary of the next hurdles that need to be passed.  Tomorrow around 10am I will get a call to let me know how many have actually fertilized as they will check for the double nucleus and for the ejected waste material from the cells.  I have no idea what the attrition rate will be for this next hurdle.  Assuming that some make it past tomorrow's hurdle, they won't look at them again until Saturday and decide then if it will be a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

If I end up with nothing at all to transfer, I will absolutely be devastated.  But we aren't there yet.  The embryologist was still pleased that we have 10 injected eggs.  To be fair, as I was only expecting a collection of 5, I've ended up with a similar number as I'd hoped, it's just that the majority are fresh instead of a 50/50 split.

It's also I suppose worrying for women who freeze their eggs as this is not a good outcome.  I expected 5 out of the 6 to defrost properly and thought I'd lose 1, not 4.  It's also interesting because I asked them to take 2 eggs from each of my 3 egg freezing cycles.  Interesting because the 2 that defrosted well and were healthy came from the same cycle.  2 that completely failed came from the same cycle and the other 2 with the partial came from the same cycle.  This could suggest there was a problem with the freezing.  The embryologist mentioned that on one of them it was difficult to remove the eggs from the 'plate' that they are frozen to.  I went to a very reputable clinic, so I don't think they intentionally screwed up, but it does go to show how tricky this process is.  Also, it was 3 years ago, and you would hope that techniques continue to improve.

So okay.  10 injected healthy eggs.  That's a good result so far - 8 fresh, 2 from frozen.  Tomorrow is another day and another phone call.

IVF 1 - Day 17 Egg retrieval

Back from the clinic and resting at home now.  Let me jump ahead to the fantastic news that they collected 9 eggs!!  I can't believe it.  I mean, I really can't believe it!  When I did the egg freezing 3 years ago, I never got that many out of any cycle.  I know they may not all be mature or able to be fertilized, but I'm incredibly pleased with this result.

So this morning I was feeling anxious and woke up pretty early because I knew I had to take an antibiotic at 7:30am and the taxi was coming at 7:45.  I think I was awake by 6:00 and was definitely not going back to sleep.  I didn't really have anything to do, because I had plenty of time.  I put a bag together because I didn't know how long I'd be at the clinic waiting for my friend to pick me up.  So I had some snacks and my kindle.

Anyway, I got to the clinic and I was clearly the only person there for a procedure which was fine.  And I was first in the morning, and I was early.  So they were still getting everything put together for the day.  I didn't mind, I'd rather be early than late!  I eventually got shown through to the recovery area where they gave me some tylenol to take and had me change into the hospital gowns (one on backwards and then one as a jacket/cover up that you take off.  Various people came through to talk to me and in preparation for the procedure.  There was a consultant doing the retrieval itself, and then I think a registrar observing.  There were possibly two nurses, the anesthetist, and a midwife who has recently joined the practice also observing.  So a fairly crowded room!  I hopped up on the table and the first thing that had to happen was the anesthetist had to get a cannula in me.  This was, of course, a problem and took her a while and 3 tries to get in.  One sort of went in so she gave me some phenobarbital (I think), but it wasn't good enough.  However, that dose made me relax a bit so I felt nice and cozy.  Eventually she got one in my other hand/arm and we were ready to proceed.  They stuck some monitoring pads on me and had me scoot down the table.  Once I was basically in position, they must have given me the drug because I was out.  I might have vaguely remembered a speculum going in, but the next thing I knew I was having pleasant dreams and was coming alert back in recovery.

I felt completely fine and relaxed.  I think when I come out of sedation I tend to be happy.  I don't know why.  I think this happened before.  Maybe it's some sort of relief that it's over?  Anyway, my alertness levels were quickly coming back and I just snuggled into the bed while they checked on my oxygen, blood pressure, etc.  Again various people came in and out, some to talk to me.  The midwife who was watching over me said that when she left the theater with me, they had collected 5 eggs.  So I was already pretty pleased with that result, but she said they still had more to look through.  Eventually the consultant came through and said that they had 9 eggs.  I mean I really couldn't believe it.

Later the embryology team came through and we confirmed my plans for the next steps and when they would be calling me with information.  I hope not to hear from them today, because if I don't that means everything is basically okay.  I will only hear from them if none or almost none of the 6 eggs defrost, or if none or almost none of the eggs are mature.  Otherwise, they'll perform the ICSI later this afternoon and call me tomorrow to let me know how many fertilized.  Everyone seemed very positive, and I feel pretty positive, so right now the positivity levels are high.  I know there are many things that can go wrong between now and a transfer, but given everything, it seems like I have the best chances I could have at this stage, so that has to be a good thing.

Meanwhile, I'm home relaxing now and taking it easy.  In an hour or so they said I could take more pain medication if I want to.  We'll see how I feel.  Fingers crossed I don't get a phone call until tomorrow.  I'm sure I'll think of more to write about the various questions I asked people, but I thought I'd get all this part down for now!

IVF 1 - Day 15 last scan

Had my last scan this morning to confirm the egg retrieval schedule.  I take my Ovitrelle injection at 9pm tonight and my retrieval is scheduled for 9am Wednesday morning (of course I need to be at the clinic sooner).  I think I'm the first one of the day so that they can defrost the frozen eggs and then let me know if they defrosted okay or if they suggest defrosting anymore.  It looks like there were around 9 or 10 follicles of varrying sizes so I'm hoping for 5 fresh eggs.  If I get 5, that would be a good result all things considered.  On the day of the procedure I will take an antibiotic at 7:30am and I start the progesterone (Cyclogest) the day after the procedure.  I need to make sure I have everything prepared because I'll be away at this workshop Thursday and Friday.  But really, all it is I need is the Cyclogest I think.  I might pee on a stick tomorrow just to see what a positive test looks like from the trigger.  That is perhaps wasteful, but part of me wants to just make sure my ebay tests work.

So close now!  It's going to be hurdle after hurdle to get from here to a successful transfer.  There's a lot of possible failure points.  Fingers crossed.

IVF 1 - Day 10 second scan

I had a less positive experience at my scan this morning.  Mainly because my body was being very uncooperative and the nurse simply could not get a good view of the ovary no matter how much pushing and twisting of the wand, or pressing down on my belly, or even my going to the bathroom to see if that would make a difference!  The ultrasound stayed very murky and dark with occasional glimpses of the ovary but not a clear picture.

Because it wasn't a clear picture, it was impossible to clearly count how many follicles there were and at what size.  However, it seemed to be that there were 4-5 follicles around 14mm.  This is of course a decrease from the 7 that were visible on Monday.  Given that I tend to not get as many eggs as follicles, I'm now starting to steel myself for a disappointing result.  This then puts a lot of pressure on the frozen eggs and how they perform after defrosting.  Right now I feel like I'll be lucky to get 3 good eggs from this retrieval.  I hope this is not the case, but I'm nervous.

I'm sticking with the 300 Gonal F as they are clearly continuing to grow.  And it's still unclear if the egg retrieval will be Monday or Wednesday.  But I should know this by Friday because either they will want me to trigger over the weekend for a Monday collection, or come in for a scan Monday morning to confirm a trigger and Wednesday collection.  

My clinic only does collection on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I'm hoping the collection is on Wednesday because this will be the 'good' plan option.  If it's on Monday I'm going to be stressed that I'll need a three day transfer and have to be absent for the workshop I'm supposed to be running Thursday and Friday.  However, even though this is not ideal, the back up plan is in place for that, so not the end of the world, just not ideal.

I'm hoping for a better scan on Friday.  Also, I'm hoping for a better blood draw on Friday.  It took three tries today, even though we waited until after my scan (and the scan took a while).  So clearly it's not enough time to make a difference to my circulation if cycling is indeed the problem!

IVF 1 - Day 2

First shot tonight.  Happy to get this show on the road.

I called the clinic yesterday to tell them my period had arrived and schedule my first scan.  They said the doctor had put me down for an 'early' scan so they scheduled me to come in on Monday which will be day 8.  This is not early.  I was sort of taken back by this, as when I did egg freezing, or even when I had the IUI I think they scanned within the first 5 days. Day 8 seems a bit late.  I mean, some women even trigger on day 8!  Although I for sure will not.  I feel that day 8 is a bit late to make any adjustments to the medications.  I would have thought I should go in on day 5 which would be Friday. At the moment I'm undecided about whether or not I should call to ask for this or as for the reasoning for putting it off until day 8 or just to suck it up.  In general I'm not a fan of the suck it up approach and I prefer more information to less.  However, I also vaguely assume my clinic knows what they are doing.  Although maybe I shouldn't.  Seeing how many follicles there are in the scan, and how they are growing is supposed to help them decide how much drugs I should be taking.  By day 8, I'll be more than half way through stimulation, and I don't know that there's much more opportunity for adjustments.

The women on the SMC forum all felt I should push for an earlier scan or at least get in touch with the clinic.  I think I'll at least give them a call.  The women on the forum also all unanimously supported ICSI for the fresh eggs and assisted hatching for all embryos.  So that was interesting as well.  I did a bit more google research on ICSI and think it's probably a good idea to just go ahead with that. Assisted hatching also seems like a no brainer although there will be an additional cost per embryo for that.  Still, anything that helps.  And also, what's £125 when you're spending £6k+?

So it's Gonal-F only for the next few days before I add in the Ogalutran in the mornings.  All the drugs are currently taking up the cheese drawer in my fridge.  Huh.  Actually now that I'm thinking about it, I'm going to the movies tomorrow when I need to inject so I'll have to take the drugs with me.  At least they gave me a useful drug carry pouch with a portable sharps container for being away from home.  I'm going to go for an 8pm/8am schedule, or as close to that as possible for my injections.

So, still happy to be starting.  Still feeling positive.  This may obviously be significantly tempered whenever I actually get my first scan and see how many follicles are happening.  But also looking forward to finding out what will come out of the frozen eggs.

Change of Plans Again, AH!

Good grief!! I just got called by the clinic to tell me that in June they do a major clean of the lab and facilities and shut down. this means I can't cycle in June.  However, my frozen eggs are now in Cambridge, my drugs are being delivered today, and, most importantly, my period has yet to arrive.  This means I could start this month, like in the next couple of days.  Holy crap!  Just when I was settling in to having a month off, it's all systems go!

This is great, except for one small thing that I have a serious work conflict on the 26/27 of this month.  If I go by my egg collection cycles, my eggs were retrieved on day 16 or 17.  If you add 5 or 6 days for blastocyst transfer, this is squarely around the time of the work conflict, but could just miss it.  That's going to be the only stressful thing.  I suppose the best thing would be for my period to hold off for another couple or few days to put me well past it?  Anyway, it's going to be tricky, but I'm definitely not waiting until July.

I'm actually really excited about starting straight away although I was also fine with waiting a month.  No more alcohol or caffeine for me though!  I suppose it's not great that I've been indulging this month, although not so much, so that's not so terrible.

I'm actually sort of just really excited to be trying this month.  I'm going to try not to stress about the scheduling conflict until my period arrives.  Speaking of which, maybe I need to go to the bathroom.

Right decision

I am getting more comfortable with my one month delay, or my June cycle as I should probably start thinking about it! Especially since my drugs will not be delivered until next Thursday and my period is likely to start before that.  On top of which, the frozen eggs have not yet been moved (although I've just paid for that, budget update below).  So, all in all, the right decision for sure. Perhaps because of that, it feels less frustrating.  Or maybe I'm just getting used to it.

Budget update:

Previous total	£12378
Courier for frozen eggs	£210
New total	£12588

Not much else to report.  I've had to buy some new conception vitamins as my original six month supply is on it's last sheet.  I haven't been to acupuncture for a while.  Mainly this is because the schedule that they do clinic times and my schedule haven't worked out very well.  I'm also not completely convinced that it does much of anything at all.  But I may look into starting it up again, or trying a different practitioner.  I just feel like I take enough time off work for doctor appointments, I am loathe to take off more time just for acupuncture.  Instead I'm going back to yoga, which I also had a small break from.  But maybe I'll give acupuncture another go this upcoming month in preparation.  I like it, but it just has to fit my schedule at this point.

I'm also trying to take care of some other health issues which means I feel like I'm seriously at various appointments all the time.  I've had ongoing issues with my foot from an injury last year which may now be a life-long sort of injury/issue.  I'm also trying to get a proper eye test because I think I might need glasses while at work.  This has meant trips to GP, hospital, and eye doctor - on top of fertility appointments (for example next week's 'info session' and counseling appointment). Getting old sucks!

I think I'm just going to try to enjoy this month and take care of various things.  Last month I took advantage of the break and enjoyed myself by indulging in some naughty treats.  I think I'll cut back on my alcohol though.  Last month I had a lot of opportunities to drink but I know it's considered good practice while trying to conceive that you lay off alcohol and caffeine.  I might as well get back into the groove.

Hard Choice - 1 Month Delay

Yesterday I found myself increasingly stressing over the variables up in the air regarding this next IVF cycle.  I've yet to pay the courier.  The drug company hasn't called to arrange delivery.  I don't know when my period is going to actually arrive.  I have a 3-day residential workshop towards the end of May that would be difficult to be having treatment during.

All of this points to the decision I've made to delay another month.  This decision comes with its own variety of stress.  However, I think that on balance, I will be much happier knowing that my frozen eggs are already at the Cambridge clinic, that the drugs to start the cycle are already in my fridge and waiting for me, and of course that I have no conflicts in timing in June.  Stress is obviously a factor in trying to get pregnant and it is better to eliminate it as much as feasible.  I know in the grand scheme of things, this one month really doesn't matter.  However, at this stage in the game, every single time something happens it feels like a major setback.

But it isn't.  It's okay.  And I will have a much smoother cycle because of it.

IVF package and drugs - budget update

I've just spent a large sum on the drugs for my first IVF procedure as well as the procedure itself. My clinic has a package deal for IVF which includes:

• Ultrasound scans for monitoring
• Monitoring blood tests
• Blastocyst culture (if needed)
• IVF/ICSI process (if needed)
• Embryo transfer
• Pregnancy scan or review consultation as needed

The cost for this package is £3130 if you are not using ICSI and £4030 if you are.  Because my frozen eggs will need to have ICSI, then I am paying the higher cost.  There is no additional fee for the processing of both types of eggs, or the defrosting, or if they end up doing two different fertilization procedures on the fresh and frozen, or anything else apparently.  So that was good.  At the moment I feel this cost is very reasonable for an IVF cycle with drugs included.  But I don't have a huge amount to base that on.

The drug cost for 12 days of treatment came out to £1858 which includes: 4x900iu Gonal F pens, 7 Orgalutran injections, 1 Ovitrelle injection, and 45 Cyclogest pessaries.  I will probably need to buy some more medication as my cycles tend to run longer (from both the IUI and egg freezing experiences).  But these drug costs seem reasonable.  I should go back and compare them to my old egg freezing costs as they are again from Healthcare at Home.

I'm still trying to pay for the courier to get the frozen eggs from London to Cambridge.  I have left a phone message with the Cambridge clinic today and replied to an email over the weekend, but so far nothing.  I don't think that will be a problem but I will feel better when it is paid for and underway. The courier quote I got was £175 + VAT.  So I'll have to add that to the budget later when I find out how much the tax is.

Apparently I need to fill in yet more paperwork to permit the thawing of the frozen eggs.  Of course I do.

So the budget update:

Previous total	£6490
IVF Inclusive Fee with ICSI	£4030
12 Days of IVF drugs (see above)	£1858
New total	£12378

I've now spent approximately... a little over 1/3 of my savings for this endeavor.  It would be amazing if this would work so I could keep the rest for caring for a child, childcare, etc.  But it also means if I need to do this again, I certainly can.  Of course fingers crossed I won't have to.

More moving eggs

I've just gotten off the phone with the amazingly lovely head embryologist at my clinic.  While I type this post I am also refreshing my email inbox because of course I have more forms I need to fill in. However, he was very helpful about moving forward with arranging the courier to transfer my eggs. As it also happens, he knows the embryologist at the London clinic I used very well, so that's also good, or at least, makes me feel better- for no good reason whatsoever.

Apparently the receiving clinic does arrange the transportation.  So they'll do that, and then I'll just call up and pay.  Then hopefully all being well, my frozen eggs will arrive in Cambridge by the end of next week. That is then on time for me to start my IVF cycle with my next period which is due around May 5.

While chatting to the embryologist I have also learned:

• eggs are defrosted rapidly;
• so if none defrost, there may be time to defrost more; and,
• that for fertilizing both the fresh and frozen eggs at the same time they can use the same vial of sperm even though they have to be done through different methods.

So that was useful.  It was also useful to hear that because I am undergoing treatment, my first year of storage for all things needing storage is covered. It's only after the first year when I may start to have storage fees.  So that was good.  I was thinking I was going to need to cough up some more money to store things in Cambridge.

So the next thing to get on top of is the drug order and delivery.  I have a day in lieu that I need to take for work so ideally I can arrange that for the same day as the drug delivery and just be home to stick everything in the freezer.  As I'll be on 300 Gonal F a day for a while, that's going to be a lot of pens.  Instead of Cetrotide which I took during egg freezing, I'll be on something else (I'll have to look up the name at home) which you inject in the morning.  So Gonal F at 8pm every night and this other drug at 8am every morning starting on day 6 I think.  I also can't remember what she said the trigger was going to be.  But it's also something different because apparently the UK is having a Pregnyl shortage.

I keep refreshing my email but there's nothing there......

By the way, I've had very few comments on this blog, which is fine of course because the blog is a dumping ground for me more than anything else.  But I'd be happy to connect with other people, particularly if you're going through the same, have been through the same thing, or are thinking about it.  I'm on the SMC forum, or you can message me here public or private.

**UPDATED**
Of course there was something wrong with their system and my email address so the embryologist has just called (an hour later) to tell me and I've had to provide a different email.  Luckily, that came through so we should be moving along with the paperwork now!!

Moving Eggs

Following from yesterday's decision I got on the phone straight away this morning with my previous London clinic to see about moving my eggs. I had to leave a message but they called me back within an hour and I explained what I needed.  The clinic manager was able to email me through the consent forms for the transfer and also my credit note for the refunded storage fee (I paid for 10 years up front).  Of course they are also charging for their time in handling the transfer so that was slightly reduced.  But it works out to around £500 refunded, so that's good!  Of course it will probably go straight to storage at the Cambridge clinic, but whatever.

So now it's all about arranging the courier to move the eggs from London to Cambridge.  The London clinic said that usually if a transfer is being done within the UK, the receiving clinic arranges the courier.  So far this morning I've copied in the Cambridge clinic to all correspondence but I haven't had a response yet.  In this instance, the London clinic is winning in terms of quick turn around and responses, but hopefully the Cambridge clinic will check their email at some point today and it will move.

My only fear is that this doesn't happen efficiently and there is a hold up.  But that really shouldn't happen.  If the Cambridge clinic doesn't respond to email today, I will be on the phone with them first thing tomorrow.

In other updates I've also made a counselling appointment to discuss my use of a donor, although not for 3 weeks  yet.  Hoop jumping progress.