26w1d - results

I managed to get my glucose tolerance test results right before I came to my workshop - all fine and normal. So that was good news! I think I was a little bit worried, but am glad that it came back fine.

Did I say in the last post that the midwife talked to me about paying attention to baby's movement? This is still causing me some stress as I'll find myself suddenly paying attention to my bump and wondering when the last time I felt anything at all was. It is normally pretty easy for me to ignore the tiny twinges that I feel. They don't bother me most of the time and are incredibly quick, so I tend to not notice them. Then, when I think about it, I start to get worried there hasn't been enough movement.

I'm definitely getting bigger though. Can't hide the pregnant. I will say that maternity clothes make you look even more pregnant which can be frustrating. If I wear maternity jeans and a maternity top, I look pregnant but I don't look unreasonable. If I put on a maternity dress, or a maternity shirt that 'hangs off the bump', I just look massive. It's pretty crazy how the different clothes can make you look a million times bigger.

During this workshop with students, I've also been identified as 'pregnant' where people now feel confident and comfortable to directly ask me when I'm due and about the pregnancy. You know how you aren't supposed to ask someone who looks 'a little bit pregnant' in case they aren't? Well I'm clearly past that point now. It's a little bit weird.

Finally, results on a global scale, yesterday was very depressing with the American election results coming in. For me, I felt it was Brexit all over again. I think that means my shock has been shorter than it was the first time around. I still just wonder what sort of world I'm bringing my little girl into. It's frightening.

25w1d - glucose test

This morning I had my glucose tolerance test. I won't get the results for a week or so. It should come by post. It's interesting because on the forum I spend a lot of time on (that has lots of Americans) it seems as though there are two glucose tests- the one hour and the three hour. In the UK they do a single two hour test. Basically, I had to have no food or drink past 10pm last night, then show up at the hospital this morning. They took blood and then gave me a fixed amount of Lucozade to drink. You then sit around for an hour and they take your blood. Then you sit around for another hour and they take your blood again (two hours, get it?). I asked about the one hour and three hour and they said that there is a 3 hour test which is basically just wait another hour, and that they don't do the 1 hour test at all. Basically, in the UK, the 2 hour test is the diagnostic test for pregnant women.

At any rate, I've done it so now I wait. It made me feel a bit off this morning. Drinking a lot of carbonated sugar first thing in the morning on an empty stomach isn't that nice. It's afternoon now and as I've had a ham and cheese toasty and a baked potato with beans and cheese I'm starting to feel a bit more normal.

On the plus side, although I had to get blood taken 3 times, they managed to get it on the first time each time! Although by the third she had to poke around a bit before she got it in just the right place. Still, better than before, huh?

24w6d - Alone

I'm back in the UK now, busy as ever. November is going to be a mental month. Then it's December already! Holy shit!

While I was away, I had time to do some musing. This often happens when I spend lots of time with my family. I also met up with my friend's parents- the friend who isn't talking to me. This also caused a lot of musing. Interesting, and opposite.

First, I will dwell on the continued hurt caused by my absent friend. I see her parents when I'm in the States, or have for the past 5-6 years, so I thought I would still see them even though she isn't talking to me. Because I hope this time will pass. And it was lovely to see them, as usual. However, it also was made very clear through the answers to my questions about my friend, how much I have missed the past 4 months by her cutting me out of her life. Because a lot has happened in hers, that she clearly has no interest in sharing with me. On top of her absence in my life, which I already find painful, this was equally painful. It's really just a crappy situation and I do wonder in dark moments if our friendship will ever recover this slight. Or if she even cares to be my friend at all in the future.

I've also felt the slight absence of other friends, although not as obvious or I think as intentional. Just people I was hearing from are suddenly being heard from less. Perhaps I'm sensitive because of the first situation. I don't know. At any rate, it made me feel more alone, which in some ways made me feel sorry for myself.

But then the alternative to these thoughts is that I was pondering the idea that I'm really never going to be alone again. At least for a great number of years and period of time, I am the sole person responsible for another human being who will need my attention and time and care. I won't be able to just 'up and go' as I like and please, which has been my life for a very long time. It was a rather sobering thought to be honest. While I greatly look forward to being a parent, it will certainly be tough as a single parent to not have that other person that you can catch a break from. I will be completely responsible all of the time. And that's huge. I'm sure there will be times when I hate it. But I also know/hope that it will be beyond worth it. I just can't really imagine exactly how different my life is going to be. Theoretically I understand it, but the reality will be its own thing, for sure.

So there you have it. Two completely separate musings on the concept of being alone, or not alone as it were.

24w1d - movement

I've been away visiting the States and forgot I had blogger on my tablet! It's been a pretty busy trip; usually I take 3 weeks to do this trip and see all my friends and family. This is a somewhat condensed version in 2 weeks, so less down time. I'm only here a couple more days, then it's back to England, and the month of November. Time seems to be moving fast again. With baby coming in February, it didn't feel like much time left!!

At 24 weeks now, everything tells me I should be feeling the baby move. I think i do feel her move but as she's still small, what I feel it's like a small twinge. No one tells you how it's supposed to feel. I completely understand how some women could not know they're pregnant at this stage. It's very easy to ignore those twinges as a muscle thing, not a being growing inside you thing. Now, I can't ignore my shape and body changes, so that's kind of a giveaway, but the movement thing is pretty subtle so far. As she gets bigger, and runs out of room, I resurrect more obvious sensation. For now though, is a funny thing, and not what I expected I guess.

On this trip I've received a number of gifts for baby, pretty much all clothes. I haven't been given a single thing from my registry. It's slightly annoying as I've been given a ton of hand me downs and don't really need clothes. I do however, need the things on my registry. In grateful for the gifts, but wish people were more practical. Ah well.

November will be a busy work month for me, and then it will be December. So crazy. Time is sneaking up on me, is how it feels. It's still hard to believe I'm going to have a baby. Definitely still played by worries though. I think I need a new post for that one.

22w1d - Advanced maternal age

On Tuesday I had a meeting with the obstetrician at the hospital. This was scheduled because I am borderline for pregnancy risk factors- my age, my weight, and my history of ovarian cyst and abdominal surgery. The meeting, which was very short, was relatively uneventful. However, the registrar said that due to my age, they recommend I have an induction at 39 weeks.  Apparently, once you are 40, your risk of stillbirth doubles from week 39 compared to a younger women. This sounds awful, but what it really means is your risk goes from 1:2000 to 1:1000 which still means you have a .01% risk of stillbirth. Still, this was not news I was expecting or prepared for. It sent me to looking through the internet and forums to confirm this information which does seem legitimate. However, it sort of sucks. Follow up reading suggests that induction does not increase the chance of a cesarean section, although I think this is widely held belief. I guess in part the reality is that older mothers in general have a higher rate of cesareans.

This will be something I need to continue to discuss with my midwife and doulas. I really wasn't planning to have the baby early, and I wasn't even thinking about induction at this stage. I guess I need to, and I need to start thinking about when to do it. It seems unclear if the testing shows a difference between 39w and 39w6d so I could get very close to my due date, or I could just decide to go a week early. Although this would only mean I took a week off of work. Decisions to make. But at least I have time to see how the pregnancy continues to progress and talk to my support team.

In other news, I'm off to the States tomorrow for a couple of weeks which should be good. Going to see family and friends which I'm looking forward to. Although I never look forward to the long flight. Hopefully all will be well. I got compression socks to wear so I can be a good pregnant woman.

21w1d - Doula interviews

I've been busy interviewing doulas so that there is plenty of time to build a good relationship with one before labour. I started off looking on the Doula UK website and contacted two doulas. One was not available during my delivery. The other I had a nice phone chat with. However, she encouraged me to speak to a few more doulas and even facilitated this by sending around a message to see who was available on my due date to give me a short list to review. It turns out there is a Cambridge specific doula website which was useful, although I hadn't come across it initially.  I looked up everyone on the short listed and contacted 5 more doulas.

Last week I managed to speak to everyone on the phone (and one in person). All of the douals were really lovely and it gave me a very positive feeling about birth. It was hard to think about how to narrow the selection but I felt a slight affinity for 3 of the 6 so I arranged to meet in person with those 3. I've met with two so far and the third will be later today. Again, everyone is lovely so it's going to be difficult to select.  Although in speaking to everyone I think I've decided to do what's called a 'shared' service where you basically have 2 doulas who split your job.  This came about because I was asking what happens if a doula can't make your delivery.  They go on call for 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after your due date.  But of course, emergencies happen.  I believe a doula will do everything in their power to make it to your birth, but what if they can't? Okay, they tend to have a backup, but you may not know that person.  In my case, it is possible that there will be no other birth partner (still not clear on the boyfriend situation). So I wanted extra assurance that in case of emergency, there would definitely be a back-up and that I would get to know that person. Also with shared doulas they can support each other- so for example, if my labor was very long, they could trade off so one could get some rest but I was still supported.

So I guess that generally means I need to pick two from the three, and then see what sort of shared packages they can offer me. I will say just from going through the interview process, I feel very positive about hiring a doula and what they will be able to do for me pre-birth, at the birth, and post-birth.  I'm glad to have this being sorted now, as with half of the pregnancy to go, it should give me time to develop good relationships with whomever I choose so that I feel the most comfortable and supported throughout the process.

20w5d - Vaccinations

I rang my GP this morning to see about getting a flu and whooping cough vaccination.  I'm travelling to the States in 2 weeks so on top of exposing myself to germs I'm not used to, I'll be stuck in planes for 7 hours each way.  I figured I should probably get on top of the vaccination thing. I looked online for when I should get the vaccinations because I was sure I'd seen somewhere that you were supposed to get whooping cough at 28 weeks or so.  But then I found this article that supports this site that says from 20 weeks is the right time. I guess that makes me bang on target. And with two weeks to travel, it's time for it to settle into my body to be useful (I hope).

I have no major pregnancy news to report. Feeling good still, which is nice. I can still fit into my baggier regular jeans so I'm not completely onto my pregnancy wardrobe yet. It's funny though- the way pregnancy clothes are cut, the second you put them on you just look pregnant. Not that I particularly mind, although I did see an AWFUL photo of myself from Saturday which was just.... truly terrible. I need to get some nice pictures of me being pregnant and delete the horrid one. Hopefully I can get people to oblige when I'm in the States!

Baby shower invitations have gone out for mid/late November. A friend of mine here (British) asked why baby showers are before the birth since so much can go wrong. I understand her point, but I said it's usually to give you things you need for the baby arriving to which she retorted that the point should be celebrating the baby- not just giving you things. I am always amused by cultural differences!! But it's true, baby showers are not traditional here in the UK really, although quickly being adopted by spreading American culture.

20w1d - 50% and scan

Yesterday I was officially halfway through this pregnancy. Sort of crazy! Parts of it have gone fast, then parts have gone slow, now it seems fast again. This morning I put on normal clothes and I didn't feel particularly pregnant. This gave me a mild anxiety about going for my anatomy scan. What if something was wrong?

Of course nothing was wrong, baby girl was bigger than last time. I got to see all new parts of her body including her spine and the four chambers of her heart beating. Looks like she's still above average on size, although not quite as big as the last measurement. My next scan isn't until 34 weeks.

I had them check my ovary while I was at it. They brought in a radiologist who works in the pregnancy clinic but also specializes in female reproductive scanning. She found the ovary and didn't see any unusual growths or that it was any bigger than it should be. So this was also a relief. My mother lost her second ovary during her pregnancy with me, where a cyst grew to be 9lbs. So I was a little bit nervous this could happen to me as well, but so far it seems okay.

First round invitations have gone out for my baby shower which some friends of mine are hosting. We've decided to have it a little early because the idea time would be smack in the middle of December which just doesn't seem like a good time at all. So it was either be early, or late. We opted for early. That's cool though. I'll be more comfortable for it.

I've been interviewing doulas with an eye towards picking one. I have three more to get in touch with, as I've narrowed down to 5. Then I'll meet a shortlist from the 5 in person and then pick someone to go with. The two I've spoken to so far have been really nice and I definitely am enthused about the idea of having one.

So far in the pregnancy I've gained about 5 pounds. That seems okay. At one point I thought I'd gained more, but I think I just ate a lot the day before. I know I will start gaining in the second half of the pregnancy but I'm still conscious of trying not to gain too much seeing as how I already started heavy. So far I feel okay about it. It was good to know that I could fit into my regular jeans today- although they are no where near as comfortable as maternity jeans!

19w1d - Productive

I had a four-day break up to Manchester this past weekend where I got to see two lovely friends of mine who are both already mothers. It was lovely to see them in general, but it was also great to talk about pregnancy related things; to get advice and stories of first hand experiences. I went shopping with one at the pharmacy where we filled a basket with 'things I'll need straight away' including breast pads, maternity pads, nipple cream, baby butt cream, etc. Sometimes it's very helpful for someone else to say, 'Get this, it works.' where I don't have to get my brain around all the different advice out there. I also went with the other to look at nursing and sleeping bras which was also useful. I think though that I might see if I can find those cheaper when I'm in the States. Although with the drop in the pound, it may not be the case.

I've started wearing some of the maternity clothes I bought which are ridiculously comfortable. I'm starting to show, and maternity clothes seem to make it look worse, but mostly the clothes are still too big as I don't really have a big enough bump to fill them yet. This will change.

I'm still benefiting from various hand-me-downs which is great. I believe I have now scored a newborn car-seat, a bouncy seat, and a highchair. Although the highchair straps are manky and need replacing- but I've called the manufacturer who says they don't have a replacement. They suggested a different harness though so now I need to go to the store and see if that's really feasible or not.

My mother sent me an email last night because she knows a woman who had kids and she sent through a list of her favorite things. Which was fine. However, then my mother continued on to question my choices about what I wanted saying I should use what her friend used. Like I haven't done my research? As though I don't know what I actually want in my house? Or, you know, that I haven't talked to a number (ie, many more than one) of recent parents about all the things they used and put all of the conflicting advice together in my head to sort out what I believe will work best for me? Gr.

I heard back from the first doula I emailed that she would be away during my due date so couldn't offer her services. I've reached out to another that I liked. I have no idea if I'm late or early on the doula search, but I do know it's going to be important to find one I actually like if they're going to be with me in labor. I'm sure I'll find one I like eventually.

One week to my anatomy scan! Looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've seen baby girl, and it will be exciting to see all the bits of her!

18w2d - Ahhhh

After many hot days in England in September, the weather has turned more predictably cold and rainy. This morning I needed to get dressed and jeans were the answer. I decided I would try a pair of the pregnancy jeans to see how they fit and what they were like. Oh my god, so comfortable. I swear I never want to take them off. With a long shirt over the bump band, you can't tell any different. Seriously, where have these been my whole life? It's like wearing jean-pajamas.

My baby wishlist on Amazon is fairly complete now. Gnappies was having a 25% off sale since they are closing down their website/direct shop so I bought some more disposable inserts. This could be a massive mistake, but I'm going to persevere for the first month or so and then see how I feel. Anyway, I've bought them now! I'm thinking that I really need to get some sort of storage unit so I can start washing all the baby clothes I'm getting and putting them in order of age to see what I have. I've got my eye on some IKEA furniture for this purpose, though I might find cheaper in sales and other places. I feel the IKEA set will last longer. I don't need it yet though, maybe when I get back from the States I'll get more serious about starting to buy things.

You could call this 'nesting' but I think it's just practical. I have bin bags full of baby clothes scattered around now (with more on the way likely) and it would really be useful to be able to start sorting things and putting them away. This will also help me tell people what I need and don't need. Right now, I definitely don't need any newborn clothes, and probably not much in the 1-3 month category either. But I just don't know for sure. This is awesome by the way, to get so many things from other people. Nursery furniture and strollers will end up costing a bit, so anything I don't have to buy is great.

I pulled out the Doppler last night, although I can't deny the expanding waistline. It took a while but eventually I found the galloping horse-beat sound. Always amazing, and of course reassuring. Baby girl is really in there!

17w6d - Popping out

I've been running about and procrastinating less, so less time to catch up. Also, not entirely sure what to catch up on. Pregnancy in the second trimester is so far mostly uneventful. I generally feel fine. Time seems to be a bit slow (it seemed to go so fast to get to 10 weeks, the next 10 not so fast). The biggest news I probably have is that people who know me are 'noticing' the change in my shape. I'm definitely getting the rounded quality that is definitely pregnant and not just fat. I think this is because everything pushes up which rounds out your top bit (say, between the belly button and ribs). It's actually strange for me to 'look' pregnant, like, I keep shocking myself when I see myself in a mirror. I get a bit weirded out though as some women on the pregnancy board ahead of mine say they are only just showing or only haven't put on any weight. Really? Because I think I'm feeling fairly normal, but that makes me feel a bit like a pig.

I haven't weighed myself for a week or two. I'm sure I've put on a couple of pounds but I don't otherwise feel like I've gained too much. My midwife doesn't weigh me which I think is interesting. In fact she just asked my weight at the first meeting we had.  I know in the states a doctor would weigh you every time, and be providing commentary.

In my social network, my mother continues to irritate me by being manipulative and difficult regarding 'what I need' for new baby. This really amounts to what she wants, not what I need. She doesn't ask me what I want or need, makes assumptions, and then gets either grumpy or manipulative to try and get her way if I disagree. My 'best friend' is still not talking to me because I'm pregnant and she can't handle it; which I continue to try to be sensitive to, but actually doesn't change how much her actions hurts me. On the other hand, I've had a very positive talk with a friend about the possibility of them being the legal guardians for my daughter if something were to happen to me. I've also had friends spontaneously offer to throw me a baby shower which was unexpected and very sweet. In fairness the love and positivity I get from my non-frustrating friends & family far outweighs the bad stuff. I should try to focus on that more and on the irritants less.

Anything else of note? In no particular order... With the growing belly comes a more regular feeling of 'fullness' which isn't entirely enjoyable. I know it will only get worse, I'm just waiting for my senses to adapt to the new normal and stop making it feel mildly uncomfortable. The prune project seems to be working, and constipation is not nearly so bad. I've been thinking about starting some letters to my daughter, that I could compile into a little book or something to give her when she's older. Is that tacky? My next scan (the anatomy scan) is in 2 weeks, meeting with obstetrician is in 4, then I go to the States and my next midwife appointment is when I come back. Right now that seems like forever away.

16w4d - Loss of Plan-A pangs

I don't think very many women set out to be a single mother in life. I believe that most women arrive at the conclusion that being a single mother is an acceptable route to a desired goal when the traditional route to that desired goal fails to materialize, typically by some particular age. Most of the time it doesn't even occur to me that this is unusual or different. This is because I have firstly, thought about it for an exceptionally long time; which has given me time to get used to the idea and have it become my normal. And secondly, because I am on forums and frequent places with many other single mothers all doing the same thing which also helps to normalize my choice. And I do appreciate the voices of those women, although many very different to me in their outlook, beliefs, and person-hood; yet we all share this one thing and it's just... normal.

But sometimes, occasionally, I have worries and doubts - about doing this alone, about being alone. How I think I can only afford (both emotionally and financially) to care for a single child and so I worry about the sort of life I am going to give to my daughter. Sometimes when checking in to social media, I see past lovers with their new partners and I feel a twinge of sorrow for what wasn't. That they found with someone else what they didn't find with me. I admit, it makes me feel a bit sorry for myself. I then progress these thoughts and think of me, the sad spinster with her only daughter. What am I doing??

And then those thoughts pass, and I tell my other self to snap out of it and stop being ridiculous! I have worked very hard to achieve the life I now lead. I don't regret for one instant the personal challenges and growth I have been through to come to a position where my life fulfillment is not dependent on another human being, even baby daughter. I believe this is a healthy reality for me, one that I have embraced, and that has made me into a satisfied adult. But it doesn't mean I'm not still human and don't wish sometimes (or mourn the loss of) the fairy tale and prince charming ending. It's impossible to completely break yourself free of your social conditioning, no matter how much growth you've had.

I don't regret my life choices in any way. And overall, I'm a pretty happy person. I couldn't have said that ten years ago at all. I couldn't have said it consistently five years ago. I have worked hard to shape my life into one I enjoy, that I can be proud of, and that fulfills me. For this, I have no regrets. I am however, only human, and sometimes thoughts of the future are scary. What if I've made some terrible mistake? I don't really think life can be a mistake as such- it's more a series of events and choices; and it's how you deal with them that shapes your outlook. Forgive me my moment of navel gazing.

16w - Constipation

It seems uncanny that on almost all of the pregnancy apps and in the books I read, they have started to mention constipation. I'm afraid I'm suffering from it, and it is not fun. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, and I've just added two morning prunes to my diet to hope that helps even things out. Yesterday I had to retreat to the bathroom twice for over 15 minutes each time. I work in an open plan office and in a small team. People notice when you disappear. That's all I'm saying. Aside from the general unpleasantness and fear that I'm going to give myself hemorrhoids, or rather, worsen what I already have. I've been looking online for additional remedies I can add to my diet. The one thing they all say is to drink more water which is something of a downfall for me because I've never been able to drink that much water (or drink anything in general, they don't call me the camel for nothing). I've increased my water drinking with the pregnancy, but I still probably drink less than  your average person. So I'm going to work on that as well. Blah.

Midwife appointment yesterday went well. My blood pressure is very good. Better in fact, then when I was not pregnant. I asked if it's normal for your blood pressure to drop during pregnancy and the midwife said at this stage yes. Anyway, that's alright. The midwife was annoyed on my behalf that when I went for the 12 week scan they didn't do the Nuchal screening test. Although the NIPT is a more accurate test, it's not a fail-safe and a double check would have been completely reasonable. I was a little bit annoyed at myself for not advocating better at the time. Now it's too late. So I'll just have to rely on the NIPT results alone. We also went through all the results of my blood work that I got done after my first appointment and everything was normal and good. Including my iron, which I was concerned about. I also learned that I am blood type O+. I'm not sure I knew that, although my mom did say she thought I was O something.

My gut area is feeling bloated again, although hard to tell if it's from growing baby girl or from constipation. I mean, the belly is going to keep growing, so these feelings are normal. I'm just not sure what it's from at the moment. In the long run it probably doesn't matter. I'm still wearing my regular clothes however. Maybe not the tightest stuff, but most of it seems fine.

I intermittently feel upset that my best friend has gone back to not talking to me. I can't remember what I've put here about this situation. Suffice to say, she's been trying to get pregnant (for kid #3) at the same time I was trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant, she didn't. She stopped talking to me. Then she started talking to me again a month later, but really it was only because she got pregnant, but then things went wrong and she lost the pregnancy, so now she's not speaking to me again. She's struggled with fertility issues for years, and it's amazing she has the two kids she already has. She's been depressed and probably hasn't slept well for 4 years. So I understand she's not well. But even though I understand that, it doesn't mean that her absence of friendship doesn't hurt me at the same time. It's upsetting. And I have a lot of other friends who are awesome and interested and available so I feel rude for complaining about this one friendship, especially to people who are being so great. So I'm also trying not to talk about it to too many people, but it still upsets me a lot.

15w6d - Fast and slow

Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks officially.  I remember when I hit 10 weeks and I was thinking, wow, it's so fast!  25% done with pregnancy!! Now time is really going much slower.  Still 4 weeks to go until the half way point. I'm not complaining, it's just interesting that the first 10 weeks seemed to pass in no time at all, and now it feels like being pregnant is just the normal way of things and I'll be pregnant forever.

Of course if I think objectively about the calendar, this is not true at all.  February isn't all that far away in the grand scheme of things. It's almost September!

I've decided to go to the States in October when I'll be 24/25 weeks pregnant. A reasonable time to travel I think. I didn't go at all last year, and I don't know when I'd feel up for going next year (if at all). So it seemed like a good idea.  It's a quick trip for me- only 2 weeks. But should be good.

Because I bought the air ticket, I'm going to try and buy very little else this month. Although a colleague told me about someone selling a 'next2me' crib in her local swap group which is what I'm after at a good price. So I'm going to try and buy very little actively, but if things fall into my lap, I'm not going to ignore them either.

I got my newborn pack of gnappies this morning. They are so tiny!! I really hope they work out. Although still not the cheapest option by a long shot. Maybe later, if I use cloth inserts over disposable. But the disposable inserts still come out at up to 7x the price of the cheapest disposable nappy. Considering there is less material to them (as an insert and not a full nappy) this is particularly frustrating.  Even if the materials are more eco friendly, I don't think I believe the mark-up is fully warranted. But anyway, we'll see how it goes.

Later today I have my first real midwife appointment as the first one was mostly an intake appointment. Sort of looking forward to it. Not really sure what happens. Maybe I'll update tomorrow.

15w2d - Family

I've had two very different talks with my parents over the past week.  I try to talk to my parents (individually, they're divorced) once a week or so. Sometimes it works out to every other week. Sometimes longer. My parents are incredibly different people and my relationship with them individually is also very different.

My dad is good with money. By good with money, I also mean he can also be cheap and frustrating and does not live in a way that I agree with by any stretch. But when it comes to saving money and planning for the future financially, his advice is very useful. So I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago asking if I should be looking at life insurance policies. When we spoke on the phone he said no, because he would help support the child if something happened to me, in that all of my inheritance from  him would then be for my daughter. This led on to talking about who might care for my daughter if something happened to me, and how that would work. It was all a very reasonable conversation but did make me think that I should get on top of that before giving birth. My dad pointed out, rightly, that if something happened to me during the birth, I needed plans in place. Of course there is zero reason to think anything so dramatic will happen, but that was sensible advice. It's also important seeing as I have no siblings and both of my parents are old and in my opinion, not capable of caring for a young child (or a child in general at their ages) so it is important and something I need to discuss. I have a couple of very close friends in mind I could speak to about it, so that's the new plan. So that was my discussion with my dad.

My mom and I have a difficult relationship. We don't always get on and there's a lot of underlying animosity on both sides. I find my mother very difficult to deal with, as I'm sure she finds me. It's just how it is. But impending grandchild has raised all sorts of issues that cause me continual stress. For starters, my mother is just inviting herself along to 'be here' for indefinite periods of time without asking. She informed me that she plans to get a one way ticket to the UK and will return when we agree it's a good time. I've stressed to her that I really do not want her here for any more than 6 weeks at a time, and even that seems excessive to me. Especially considering she will want to stay in my (small) house and be on top of me all that time. I know she believes that she will be helpful, but my mother has ideas of what being helpful means and then there is the actuality of what she will do. She thinks being helpful will mean holding the baby whereas what being helpful really means will be cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.. I suggested she may want to not stay with me the whole time but she didn't like that either, again saying 'we can decide at the time' as if having arguments about kicking her out because I don't want her in my house anymore is going to be easier than her just having a place she can go to when it's obvious she needs a)sleep or b) to give me space? I also thought it would be useful to tell her my intentions regarding child guardianship which did not go over well. She clearly assumed that if something happened to me that she would just have the child. Which I can't see. On top of which it would create all sorts of issues of having any relationship with my father (my parents are not cordial) and it would also mean my dad, out of spite, would then not support the child either. So aside from the fact that my mother physically really can't do it, it's not good for any number of other reasons. But she got all shitty with me about it, although eventually seemed to come around to accepting that it's my decision. Just a fucking headache. I wish she would stop assuming things about me and child and ask me what I want or what she can do. She gets overly upset if I disagree with her 'wonderful plans' but she didn't ASK me what I need or want. Because the reality of the situation is it has nothing to do with what I need or want and everything to do with what she wants. As it gets closer to the time, I will put my foot down, and I guess it's good to have these preliminary conversations now as it exposes various things. It's just that every one feels like a battle. Really not fun at all.

15w - Thrifty

Last night I went for the fetal doppler again as I wanted to assure myself I am still, actually, pregnant. Again it took a little bit for me to find the baby's heartbeat but there is no mistaking it when you do because it's a rather rapid 'thump thump thump' as opposed to anything else that sounds like my own heartbeat (which I also heard).  So I heard it and then turned the doppler off, content that yes, I am still actually pregnant.

I've been going mad on EBay buying maternity clothes. Most of it is coming in at under £5 including the shipping.  And all name brands. I've been very pleased so far with my purchases.  I need some more tops and possibly leggings but I've got jeans and dresses and a couple of tops and a couple of bathing suits.  I also am looking at winter coats (as I'll be very pregnant in January).

Of course I'm also looking at other stuff that is less immediately necessary.  I got a great deal on three newborn baby sleepsuits that are not pink. I also purchased the newborn starter back of gNappies at a great discount (about 1/3 off?).  I'm keen to reduce diaper to landfill waste but not sure about 100% reusable to start so these seem like a good compromise.  Also, I have a big garden so if I can compost the pee-only inserts, that's definitely a lot less waste to landfill.  If I get brave and want to try washable inserts, the diapers also take reusable inserts as well.  And the reviews seemed good. I've also been looking at breast pumps and strollers. I need to go try out some different strollers to work out what I want and then I'm going to start seriously cruising EBay and Gumtree for that as well.  And a bedside co-sleeping crib.  Basically, I see no reason to buy new things when most baby things are outgrown fairly quickly and in perfectly good condition. All the money I save is money for extending my maternity leave and money for childcare in the first few years, so every bit helps.

14w - Facebook

So I did it. I made the pregnancy announcement. Getting a lot of love from far and wide which is nice. And it is an easy way to tell people. Kind of scary. Does it make it all somehow more real? Or does it just make it more precarious in case something goes wrong?

At any rate, I'm enjoying the global love. It pairs nicely with the birthday love. I swear this is what social media is for.

Oh yeah, in the meantime, at 14w today, I can definitively say this is now the second trimester! Woohoo!