1y5m15d : One or Two?

I wrote this as a response to someone else on the SMC forum. This comes up a lot for me, this idea of one child or two.  I liked what I wrote so I thought I'd put it here as part of this story.

I went into becoming a single mother thinking I would only have one. My 'dream Plan A' of finding a partner included having 2, but when I reduced that dream to the Plan B just me, I also reduced the child count to account for it. Not that this makes sense to anyone else necessarily, but I sort of felt like, two parents to two kids is a replacement one for one in an overpopulated world, and so one to one just made sense to me.

I'm an only child, and I really don't remember minding being an only child and now as an independent adult, I really don't mind being an only child at all. I think every individual person is so different, you can't know what a person will feel or want in terms of their relationships or 'how they'll feel about things' that they have or don't have. You also don't know if two children will have a great sibling bond, or a horrid sibling bond. I know people with both, and as I don't have any myself, I don't romanticize it either way. I think it's a crap shoot be honest.

So with me being so sure I wanted one, why have I felt conflicted? The online SMC forums. Peer pressure. That's it. I've posted about it before in other places. It never occurred to me to want another child, until I was suddenly faced with lots of people both here and in real life from my mum and baby groups that do. Suddenly, oh the pressure!!! The doubt!! I can afford my one child and we can have a good life together where I can give her enriching experiences and we can enjoy travel and other such things together. I do not have the capacity to live that life with two children. I would need to live an entirely different life with two children, simply for the sake of having two children. And when I think very hard about the type of life -I- want to live, it is very much the one with one child, not two.

But I still feel pressure. It's very real and tangible. It doesn't mean I actually want 2. I'm not sure what it means exactly. But I know when I take MJ to swim class, that there would be no way I could take another child to swim class. So she'd have to give up hers, and I couldn't offer that to another child. I know I can just about afford nursery fees for one, but I'd be stretched and either sucking down my savings or going in to debt to pay for nursery for 2. The knock on effect would be, I couldn't jaunt off to Denmark next week to see a friend if I had two. I couldn't afford it, and probably couldn't manage it (I'm taking a travel cot for one, but two??). I look ahead and think about maybe private school and music lessons and other classes/lessons and more travel and whatever else and I know that lifestyle is predicated on my one child.

And when I think about her, and me and her together, my heart is so full and I think our relationship is so special, I am actually satisfied. And I think that's important- that I am actually satisfied with what I have.

Because it means when I feel that pressure, and nagging guilt, that I really have to think about why I'm feeling it. It's not because I'm not fulfilled. And as I said, I don't have strong feelings about siblings either way, so I don't think MJ is going to have a worse life without a sibling. So what is it? It's just this other thing of expectation and pressure and external society and a bit of 'keeping up with the Jonses' and it's not really about what I actually want at all. It's more about what I somewhere in some part of my head think I should be doing. Except I really don't.

It doesn't make it less real however. And it means I'm never entirely comfortable even though from the start I really only wanted one. I still pay storage on my 3 embryos, 7 eggs, and 3 vials of sperm and I honestly don't know what I want to do with them. I may try to donate the eggs and embryos in the future. But I also probably hold on to them a little bit to make the decision a little less final. Even though I'm 98% sure I'm a one and done mom.

IVF 1 - Day 22 5 day report

The short version: the transfer will hopefully be tomorrow, another day of waiting ahead.

The longer version:

So this morning I was waiting for the phone call.  It didn't come at 9am so I started to get nervous.  I think the phone finally rant around 9:30.  It seemed like forever.  I was particularly feeling anxious because another woman on the SMC forum who was trying this month had 6 day 3 embryos that all arrested on day 4.  So I knew that this could happen, and I was worried I was going to get a call that said there was nothing to come in for.

The embryologist called to tell me that all six zygotes were successfully given laser assisted hatcing on Saturday, and all six have transformed into morulas.  A morula is a transformational stage where the embryo moves from a collection of equal cells to differentiated cells. Not all embryos emerge out of the morula stage, so it could still be that tomorrow there is nothing.  The embryologist was cautiously hopeful though that all 6 made it to morula stage; he said that he didn't expect them all to reach even that far.  So it's not great, because it means they're all a bit slow, but it's also not bad.  Yet.  So, more waiting.

This weekend I've been feeling somewhat emotional.  I don't know if it's due to hormones or what.  My friend came to visit Saturday/Sunday and brought her 22 month old son.  We had a good time, and I enjoyed having them here but I started to wonder what I'm getting myself into.  On the one hand it all seems reasonable, and then on the other hand it's completely overwhelming and terrifying.  I know that it is probably overwhelming and terrifying for everyone who has a child, single parent or no.  Still, I just felt emotional about it.  Am I really prepared for this?  Am I really capable of doing it?  I think these fears are normal.  I'm not overly worried about it, I just had a surge for some reason.

I also think that I might enjoy the baby stage, and I may enjoy post potty training, but I may not love the toddler stage.  I could be wrong.  And I assume everything is always different when it's your kid.  It's one thing to have a strange child in my home getting into everything versus a child who lives here who is used to my home and for whom the home is properly arranged.  I mean, your own kids for sure get into everything, but your life shapes around their presence in it.  Dropping a child into your life is a little bit different.

I think I've also been a bit grumpy because I think the Cyclogest/progesterone is making me have swelling and itching in the privates.  Really not enjoying that.  The swelling has gone down a bit, but the itching flares back up.  I read online that this can be a side effect, especially for women taking it vaginally.  I'm not, but I'm sure it's related.  Some of the online posters suggested getting some Canesten cream for the itch.  If I'm lucky enough to have a transfer tomorrow, then I think I'll also ask about this.

So that's where things are.  I'm feeling anxious.  I will know what's happening soon enough by way of the transfer at least, and then I'll have to wait to see if I'm pregnant.  And if I'm pregnant, I'll be waiting to see if I can get through the benchmarks without a miscarriage.  I'm not sure anyone ever talks about this stage of trying to get pregnant or pregnancy.  I'll be posting everything here, which includes if things go badly.  I'm positive not enough women talk about this and by the time they announce they're pregnant, they've just kept all this to themselves.  That's just not my style I guess.

IVF 1 - Day 20 3 day report

The embryologist called me this morning to report that I have 6, 3-day embryos.  One of the fertilized seven seems to have stopped after a two cell split and isn't expect to go any further.  Of the 6, four are very good and two are good.  Interestingly, from the thawed frozen eggs, the best looking 3-day embryo is one of the frozen, but the one that stopped after dividing is the other.

I discussed with the embryologist that we will wait until day 5 for a hopeful transfer.  He warned me that from these 6, I would be looking at 2-3 blastocysts comfortably, and that 4 would be an exceptional outcome.  Fingers crossed there is at least one.

I plan to transfer one blastocyst if I'm lucky enough to have more than one.  I really don't want multiples.  If it happens on its own, that's one thing, but I don't want to increase my chances by transferring two.

The laser assisted hatching will be done later today on all of the embryos.  The embryologist told me that if you do it on day 5 you risk injuring the blastocyst.  On day 3, the shell or zona pellucida is still thick and easy to nick with the laser.  It thins towards day 5 so becomes more difficult.  It seems a fairly routine procedure so I'm not too worried about anything going wrong.  Also, I asked, and it's completely fine and normal to freeze a blastocyst which has already had the assisted hatching.  I'm glad they said they'd cap the cost at £250 now!!  Otherwise that would have been £125 per embryo.  I would have spent it of course, but I'm glad for the discount with 6 to do.

I've been feeling pretty bloated and a bit crampy since the egg retrieval.  Looking online, this could also be due to starting the progesterone/Cyclogest.  I'm not loving that I've got to take a suppository twice a day for what I hope is something like the next 10 weeks.  I'll do it obviously, I'm just not loving it.  And I hope the bloating and cramps reduce.

I'm sort of amazed when I think about it- that eggs from my body have been fertilized with sperm and there is potential life in a petri dish at the clinic.  It's actually sort of hard to get my head around.  You spend so long focusing on trying to conceive, it's hard to imagine the jump to the next step. I'm not there yet of course, and all of this may not work and could go horribly wrong.  But a thread of me is still pretty hopeful and giddy with anticipation. 

IVF 1 - Day 18 fertility report

I'm at my workshop this morning, so no time for a long post.  5 of the 8 injected fresh eggs appear to have fertilized this morning, with another that may or may not (likely not) have fertilized.  Both of the frozen eggs that made it through and were injected with sperm have fertilized.  So 7 definite fertilized eggs from the 10 that got injected.  The embryologist said this was a good result as their clinic results for fertilization is 60-65% so I'm a bit higher.  Now, no news until Saturday where it will either be a 3-day transfer or a hold for day 5.  At least I have the workshop to keep me busy!!  Oh yeah, and I've started cyclogest/progesterone suppositories this morning and will be taking them every 12 hours for a while.

IVF 1 - Day 17 update

Early this afternoon my phone rang from an unlisted number.  My phone was not supposed to ring today.  I knew instantly that it was the clinic and something was wrong.  The head embryologist whom I had spoken to in recovery immediately told me that while it wasn't catastrophic, it also wasn't a good call.  Basically, out of my 6 frozen eggs, only 2 properly defrosted.  3 completely failed to reform, and 1 seemed to be okay, but then collapsed.  The 2 that defrosted properly were completely fine and able to have ICSI on them.  Out of the 9 fresh eggs collected, 8 were able to have ICSI on them.  So in total, they were able to inject 10 eggs with sperm.  Not catastrophic, but also not the best news.  In particular because the younger eggs should have a higher chance of better quality.  I'm still beyond thrilled to have had such a great fresh cycle, but the risks of chromosomal abnormalities is much greater, and increases every year.

So I'm not devastated or even particularly upset, but I'm now much more wary of the next hurdles that need to be passed.  Tomorrow around 10am I will get a call to let me know how many have actually fertilized as they will check for the double nucleus and for the ejected waste material from the cells.  I have no idea what the attrition rate will be for this next hurdle.  Assuming that some make it past tomorrow's hurdle, they won't look at them again until Saturday and decide then if it will be a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

If I end up with nothing at all to transfer, I will absolutely be devastated.  But we aren't there yet.  The embryologist was still pleased that we have 10 injected eggs.  To be fair, as I was only expecting a collection of 5, I've ended up with a similar number as I'd hoped, it's just that the majority are fresh instead of a 50/50 split.

It's also I suppose worrying for women who freeze their eggs as this is not a good outcome.  I expected 5 out of the 6 to defrost properly and thought I'd lose 1, not 4.  It's also interesting because I asked them to take 2 eggs from each of my 3 egg freezing cycles.  Interesting because the 2 that defrosted well and were healthy came from the same cycle.  2 that completely failed came from the same cycle and the other 2 with the partial came from the same cycle.  This could suggest there was a problem with the freezing.  The embryologist mentioned that on one of them it was difficult to remove the eggs from the 'plate' that they are frozen to.  I went to a very reputable clinic, so I don't think they intentionally screwed up, but it does go to show how tricky this process is.  Also, it was 3 years ago, and you would hope that techniques continue to improve.

So okay.  10 injected healthy eggs.  That's a good result so far - 8 fresh, 2 from frozen.  Tomorrow is another day and another phone call.

IVF 1 - Day 17 Egg retrieval

Back from the clinic and resting at home now.  Let me jump ahead to the fantastic news that they collected 9 eggs!!  I can't believe it.  I mean, I really can't believe it!  When I did the egg freezing 3 years ago, I never got that many out of any cycle.  I know they may not all be mature or able to be fertilized, but I'm incredibly pleased with this result.

So this morning I was feeling anxious and woke up pretty early because I knew I had to take an antibiotic at 7:30am and the taxi was coming at 7:45.  I think I was awake by 6:00 and was definitely not going back to sleep.  I didn't really have anything to do, because I had plenty of time.  I put a bag together because I didn't know how long I'd be at the clinic waiting for my friend to pick me up.  So I had some snacks and my kindle.

Anyway, I got to the clinic and I was clearly the only person there for a procedure which was fine.  And I was first in the morning, and I was early.  So they were still getting everything put together for the day.  I didn't mind, I'd rather be early than late!  I eventually got shown through to the recovery area where they gave me some tylenol to take and had me change into the hospital gowns (one on backwards and then one as a jacket/cover up that you take off.  Various people came through to talk to me and in preparation for the procedure.  There was a consultant doing the retrieval itself, and then I think a registrar observing.  There were possibly two nurses, the anesthetist, and a midwife who has recently joined the practice also observing.  So a fairly crowded room!  I hopped up on the table and the first thing that had to happen was the anesthetist had to get a cannula in me.  This was, of course, a problem and took her a while and 3 tries to get in.  One sort of went in so she gave me some phenobarbital (I think), but it wasn't good enough.  However, that dose made me relax a bit so I felt nice and cozy.  Eventually she got one in my other hand/arm and we were ready to proceed.  They stuck some monitoring pads on me and had me scoot down the table.  Once I was basically in position, they must have given me the drug because I was out.  I might have vaguely remembered a speculum going in, but the next thing I knew I was having pleasant dreams and was coming alert back in recovery.

I felt completely fine and relaxed.  I think when I come out of sedation I tend to be happy.  I don't know why.  I think this happened before.  Maybe it's some sort of relief that it's over?  Anyway, my alertness levels were quickly coming back and I just snuggled into the bed while they checked on my oxygen, blood pressure, etc.  Again various people came in and out, some to talk to me.  The midwife who was watching over me said that when she left the theater with me, they had collected 5 eggs.  So I was already pretty pleased with that result, but she said they still had more to look through.  Eventually the consultant came through and said that they had 9 eggs.  I mean I really couldn't believe it.

Later the embryology team came through and we confirmed my plans for the next steps and when they would be calling me with information.  I hope not to hear from them today, because if I don't that means everything is basically okay.  I will only hear from them if none or almost none of the 6 eggs defrost, or if none or almost none of the eggs are mature.  Otherwise, they'll perform the ICSI later this afternoon and call me tomorrow to let me know how many fertilized.  Everyone seemed very positive, and I feel pretty positive, so right now the positivity levels are high.  I know there are many things that can go wrong between now and a transfer, but given everything, it seems like I have the best chances I could have at this stage, so that has to be a good thing.

Meanwhile, I'm home relaxing now and taking it easy.  In an hour or so they said I could take more pain medication if I want to.  We'll see how I feel.  Fingers crossed I don't get a phone call until tomorrow.  I'm sure I'll think of more to write about the various questions I asked people, but I thought I'd get all this part down for now!