1y6m : A person is not your happiness

This isn't entirely about parenthood. Really, it's about all relationships in life. I'm also going to preface this by stating that this is my truth. You don't have to agree with it, but this is my blog, so I'm going to say what I think.

You cannot expect another human being to be your happiness.  Not your family, not your partner, not your child.  No other human being is responsible for how you feel or should be responsible for how you feel.  People in your life can contribute to your happiness.  But they can't be your happiness.  And ultimately, how you feel is your choice and your decision. It's entirely within your control.

I learned this lesson after a horrible break up and a year of therapy where I came to the realization that having relationships (of any kind, although I was at the time focused on the romantic kind) is just dumb luck. A lot of people settle for less than what they want just to be in a relationship. That's fine for them. It's not fine for me. I do know some people who are ridiculously happy together. These people never tell me that relationships are hard work (although they of course say they require compromise) and often seem their most authentic selves when with their partners. And then there's everyone else.

So when I realized that the kind of dream relationship we're sold in movies and books isn't even anything remotely close to a sure thing, I determined that I obviously couldn't control whether I would be so lucky or if a magical person would magic up to be my special one.  I could make myself miserable forever due to dumb luck, or instead, I became determined to make sure that everything (and I mean everything) that was within my control, I made the best that I could, and work out what (that was within my control) would make me happy.  Because that was all I could rely on. And I could spend forever wishing and hoping and waiting for luck. Or I could make my world what I wanted it to be for me.

So I did that. And when I embarked on the solo mama journey, I had a budget- an emotional budget, a financial budget, and a time budget. I felt they were all fairly generous, but I knew there was a budget nonetheless. I was 41. I wasn't guaranteed a baby, no matter how much effort I put into the trying. And I knew, that although I would be sad if that happened, I would also be okay. Not just okay, I would have a good life that made me happy, but made me happy in a different way. 

Because my child is not my happiness.  She gives me so much joy, and contributes to the wealth in my life every day.  But if she had never existed, or if god forbid she is ever taken from me, I know that I can be happy again.  If I let myself.  And not because someone else makes me happy, but because I am in control of my own happiness.  No one else is, or should be, responsible for it.

End of soapbox rant for the day.

In other news, work is busy, MJ is SUCH a toddler these days, and everything else is pretty great!

IVF 1 - Day 3

So managed to do my first injection last night but forgot I had a dinner to go to and so didn't do it until 10pm which was a bit later than my intended 8pm.  Today I have my drugs with me as I'll have to inject after the movie which will be around 8:30/9:00.  At least I'm moving it in the right direction and should be then back on an 8pm routine.

The shot hurt a bit last night- I don't know why.  Just didn't get the angle quite right so it was very pokey going in and I even moved it to see if it would be less pokey, but no. Anyway, I got it done and that was that.

I forgot that this morning I had an appointment with the counselor up at my clinic so I got in to work a bit late, turned on my computer, looked at my diary and was like, 'Oh shit!' so I had to put all my stuff back on and cycle to the clinic.  Oops.  While I was there I had a chat with the nursing team about when my first scan is scheduled for.  They reassured me that Day 8 (which is their Day 7 since they count stim days, not from period days) is completely regular and fine.  They did offer to give me a scan on Friday if I wanted one, but as I would have only been stimming for three days at that point, they didn't think there would be any adjustments.  So fine.  It really won't make any difference for me to see it on Friday versus Monday so I will just wait.  But I felt better for asking.

The talk with the counselor was good.  She was very nice.  This was a hoop jumping requirement by my clinic due to my use of donor sperm.  Right now I feel okay with everything, so I really just chatted to her and she asked some questions and all that was fine.  We did spend some time talking about the boyfriend because that is complicated.  I don't know that it helped to talk to her about it, but perhaps just again reassured me that I've got this sorted in my  own mind and am prepared for what may happen either way (he sticks around or he doesn't stick around if I get pregnant).  He and I still don't talk about the baby plan although I continue to update him on each step as I'm doing it.  I know he's not properly dealt with it in his own mind yet, but it's really just not my problem.  It would be my problem if I was relying on him, but I'm not.  I enjoy his company for what it is and if I lose it, I'll be sad.  But the baby plan is my primary focus and he's not actively part of that.  It's also why I was pleased to hear from the pregnant ladies at the DCN conference about doulas.  They all advocated for having one with you in the delivery room and I've since looked into it and looks like a great idea.  So I'm not even worried about who is going to be there with me because I will pay someone to be there with me.

I worked out with the counselor that it's not that I'm feeling optimistic about all this, it's just that I'm excited to be actually doing it.  I'm not unrealistic about the odds, but it's exciting to be doing something- moving forward, etc.  Although I may not feel that way a week from now, I feel that way today.

Moving Eggs

Following from yesterday's decision I got on the phone straight away this morning with my previous London clinic to see about moving my eggs. I had to leave a message but they called me back within an hour and I explained what I needed.  The clinic manager was able to email me through the consent forms for the transfer and also my credit note for the refunded storage fee (I paid for 10 years up front).  Of course they are also charging for their time in handling the transfer so that was slightly reduced.  But it works out to around £500 refunded, so that's good!  Of course it will probably go straight to storage at the Cambridge clinic, but whatever.

So now it's all about arranging the courier to move the eggs from London to Cambridge.  The London clinic said that usually if a transfer is being done within the UK, the receiving clinic arranges the courier.  So far this morning I've copied in the Cambridge clinic to all correspondence but I haven't had a response yet.  In this instance, the London clinic is winning in terms of quick turn around and responses, but hopefully the Cambridge clinic will check their email at some point today and it will move.

My only fear is that this doesn't happen efficiently and there is a hold up.  But that really shouldn't happen.  If the Cambridge clinic doesn't respond to email today, I will be on the phone with them first thing tomorrow.

In other updates I've also made a counselling appointment to discuss my use of a donor, although not for 3 weeks  yet.  Hoop jumping progress.