34w - Scan

Had a scan this morning due to my advanced maternal age. Apparently they offer it at 34 weeks if it's your first baby and you are and old mama.  It was exciting to see baby girl although she definitely does not fit on the screen anymore. She was presenting 'cephalic' which means 'head down'; so, basically in the right position which is good. We could only see bits and pieces of her. All the measurements were on target and baby girl is measuring above average at about the 80th percentile. Her estimated weight was 5.9lbs (2.689kg), so a healthy sized baby right now! I got to see her heart beating, and a good look at her thigh bone. We also listened to the blood pumping through the umbilical cord. We couldn't get a good look at the face as her hands were in the way, although we got to see an eye poking out. Overall it was a fairly efficient appointment and all was as it should be, so that was good.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the consultant obstetrician again. I imagine this is where they are going to pressure me to schedule an induction for 39 weeks. I am going to decline the 39w induction but tentatively agree to a 40w induction. I've looked at the research and I'm not convinced that the 39w induction is necessary or helpful. I will try to give my body as much time to go into labor as possible before resorting to an induction. This also means that at 40w, I want to be checked to see if labor is starting on its own in which case I will again reject the induction and give it a couple of days. Should be a (not so) fun talk with the doctor tomorrow. Anyway, we'll see and I'll try to report back. At least one of my doulas is coming with me which will be helpful I think.

Went to NCT prenatal (antenatal) class last night which was good. Boyfriend came with me and managed it well, and I felt positively about the experience in general. There were 7 other couples there- all traditional (man/woman, married). I think what I'm learning is that I'm more curious than other people, or that I shouldn't be so surprised that people don't do as much reading or research as I do.

Last month at work now which is all a bit mental. It seems as if there is so much to do!! And I still don't believe at all that baby can possibly come early although one of my colleagues voiced concern about that. I think after all this waiting and being pregnant for so long, this month is going to fly by!

20w1d - 50% and scan

Yesterday I was officially halfway through this pregnancy. Sort of crazy! Parts of it have gone fast, then parts have gone slow, now it seems fast again. This morning I put on normal clothes and I didn't feel particularly pregnant. This gave me a mild anxiety about going for my anatomy scan. What if something was wrong?

Of course nothing was wrong, baby girl was bigger than last time. I got to see all new parts of her body including her spine and the four chambers of her heart beating. Looks like she's still above average on size, although not quite as big as the last measurement. My next scan isn't until 34 weeks.

I had them check my ovary while I was at it. They brought in a radiologist who works in the pregnancy clinic but also specializes in female reproductive scanning. She found the ovary and didn't see any unusual growths or that it was any bigger than it should be. So this was also a relief. My mother lost her second ovary during her pregnancy with me, where a cyst grew to be 9lbs. So I was a little bit nervous this could happen to me as well, but so far it seems okay.

First round invitations have gone out for my baby shower which some friends of mine are hosting. We've decided to have it a little early because the idea time would be smack in the middle of December which just doesn't seem like a good time at all. So it was either be early, or late. We opted for early. That's cool though. I'll be more comfortable for it.

I've been interviewing doulas with an eye towards picking one. I have three more to get in touch with, as I've narrowed down to 5. Then I'll meet a shortlist from the 5 in person and then pick someone to go with. The two I've spoken to so far have been really nice and I definitely am enthused about the idea of having one.

So far in the pregnancy I've gained about 5 pounds. That seems okay. At one point I thought I'd gained more, but I think I just ate a lot the day before. I know I will start gaining in the second half of the pregnancy but I'm still conscious of trying not to gain too much seeing as how I already started heavy. So far I feel okay about it. It was good to know that I could fit into my regular jeans today- although they are no where near as comfortable as maternity jeans!

19w1d - Productive

I had a four-day break up to Manchester this past weekend where I got to see two lovely friends of mine who are both already mothers. It was lovely to see them in general, but it was also great to talk about pregnancy related things; to get advice and stories of first hand experiences. I went shopping with one at the pharmacy where we filled a basket with 'things I'll need straight away' including breast pads, maternity pads, nipple cream, baby butt cream, etc. Sometimes it's very helpful for someone else to say, 'Get this, it works.' where I don't have to get my brain around all the different advice out there. I also went with the other to look at nursing and sleeping bras which was also useful. I think though that I might see if I can find those cheaper when I'm in the States. Although with the drop in the pound, it may not be the case.

I've started wearing some of the maternity clothes I bought which are ridiculously comfortable. I'm starting to show, and maternity clothes seem to make it look worse, but mostly the clothes are still too big as I don't really have a big enough bump to fill them yet. This will change.

I'm still benefiting from various hand-me-downs which is great. I believe I have now scored a newborn car-seat, a bouncy seat, and a highchair. Although the highchair straps are manky and need replacing- but I've called the manufacturer who says they don't have a replacement. They suggested a different harness though so now I need to go to the store and see if that's really feasible or not.

My mother sent me an email last night because she knows a woman who had kids and she sent through a list of her favorite things. Which was fine. However, then my mother continued on to question my choices about what I wanted saying I should use what her friend used. Like I haven't done my research? As though I don't know what I actually want in my house? Or, you know, that I haven't talked to a number (ie, many more than one) of recent parents about all the things they used and put all of the conflicting advice together in my head to sort out what I believe will work best for me? Gr.

I heard back from the first doula I emailed that she would be away during my due date so couldn't offer her services. I've reached out to another that I liked. I have no idea if I'm late or early on the doula search, but I do know it's going to be important to find one I actually like if they're going to be with me in labor. I'm sure I'll find one I like eventually.

One week to my anatomy scan! Looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've seen baby girl, and it will be exciting to see all the bits of her!

13w5d - Sneaking doubt

I've decided to change the timing to my actual week count according to my midwife. It's just easier.

So at almost 14 weeks, I again feel 'not pregnant'. Nothing has happened, and nothing has changed. Or perhaps I get more comfortable with the subtle changes so they seem less new. At any rate, this means the doubt starts to creep in that something has happened that I am otherwise unaware of. I of course have no reason to think that something has happened. I have had no cramps, no spotting, nothing at all to suggest I am anything other than pregnant. It's just weird.

This weekend some friends of mine came to visit with their 2 children. I haven't seen them for a while, and I had not yet met new baby who was not so new anymore. They brought me a whole bag filled of baby clothes and some other goodies which was awesome. Although some are not labeled in English so it's not entirely obviously what size they are for, but if I put them next to the ones that I can read, it will be easy enough to work out. I mean really, what fits the baby fits, when it doesn't, they've outgrown it! For some reason I expected some of the hand-me-downs from their youngest who is a boy, but they managed to give me a bag from their eldest who is a girl. Apparently it's been used by someone else in between, but who cares? What was funny was how pink and purple everything was! Also white with some grey and beige, but mostly pink and purple. I guess that's the way forward! I was saying to a work colleague today that someone really needs to make non-gendered baby clothes in rainbow colors or lovely greens and oranges and yellows and browns. Why so much gendered clothing? It's ridiculous. It's also why one of the few items of clothing I am likely to indulge in is this number from a designer I've seen at shows in London for years.

One of the things my friends also brought was their fetal Doppler. We gave it a go and couldn't find the heartbeat. This was not entirely unexpected because first, it says it's for use from 14 weeks which I'm not yet; second, I've got extra belly padding which makes finding something the size of a lentil inside of a lemon inside my gut less easy; and third, from my NIPT scan, I learned I have an anterior placenta which can also make it difficult to find the heartbeat. While this didn't immediately fill me with panic, it also didn't help with my general feelings of 'not pregnant'. I don't have a midwife appointment for 2 weeks, so there is nothing to do but go about my daily business and hope that something starts to happen at some point that indicates to me that I might actually be pregnant! I mean, other than not having my period, having a tiny bit of a bump obvious to only me, firmer breasts, and more sensitive nipples.

In other news I've scored some great buys on eBay for maternity clothes and I will continue to scour the listings. I got a few things today. I think I've spent in total £25 on a few auctions and have 3 tops, 3 pairs of jeans, and two pairs of leggings. Considering one pair of jeans new is around £25, I feel pretty good about this.  Some of it arrived today and looks great, so I'll wash it and have everything ready for when I need it. Currently scouting pajamas, a bathing suit, and more tops.

72dpo 12w5d - Scan results

I had my scan yesterday morning and it was very exciting. Baby girl was moving ALL OVER this time. She was twisting and stretching and wriggling about. I saw her legs flex and kick, and her hand come up to her mouth. Given that she's the size of a plumb, this is pretty amazing. I was enthralled with looking at her. Unfortunately, I couldn't see the screen particularly well from where I was laying but I did get a couple of pictures. They also seemed to think that because my NIPT results were fine, they didn't need to do the Nuchal translucency testing. Which I suppose is probably true, although I would have preferred the double check. I had two radiologists in with me, a trainee and her supervisor. Because baby was all over the place, it did take some time to get the right measurements. I had to lift my but and wiggle, they tipped the table so I was inverted, all to try to get baby in a good position. It was sort of entertaining. I didn't care. It meant more time looking at her!

I don't have another scan now until week 20. I need to schedule my next midwife appointment for week 16. So there's a month here with not too much going on medically. Which is fine. I don't think it's sinking in really yet that there's a little baby growing inside of me. I don't know if it ever sinks in until you are holding your child. It's so weird.

I'm still considering doing a blanket announcement on Facebook. I'm not in a particular rush as there's obviously time to decide. I have started telling people as a matter of course now which is also weird. But sort of fun. Shit is getting real! (Which might be the tone of a Facebook post if I do end up making one!)

Baby girl at 12w1d, pausing for a brief moment!

68dpo 12w1d - Feeling good makes me feel bad

So the past two days I've felt completely fine. Of course what does this mean? It means I don't 'feel' pregnant. Which leads to me starting to worry that something has changed or is different or etc. etc. etc. I'm glad I have a scan on Thursday which should reassure me that everything is as it should be. There won't be another scan until week 20 I think, so I'm going to have to just find a way to believe that everything is fine even though I feel fine. Which frankly, sounds ridiculous.

I called my mom to tell her the results of the NIPT. She was very excited. It was a bit funny because she asked me if I've thought of a name yet. The thing is, I've thought of a baby girl name since I was 16 (and it hasn't changed) and since I was 24(ish) and my aunt died, I've had the middle name picked as well. So girl name has been set in my mind for a very long time. Which means at various points over time, I've discussed it with my mom. Because she basically guessed/knew the name that I've picked. I confirmed that's the name I'm planning but implored her not to share it with anyone. She asked why not. I said well,  when the baby comes, that's the name. Before that, people will have opinions. And frankly, I'm not interested in anyone's opinions. I think I got through to her and she'll keep it to herself. But I did say she could start telling people I'm pregnant because I feel I'm over that hurdle, first paragraph notwithstanding.

I've been recently attacked by some bastard bugs and have 3 very itchy spots, one on the back of my right hand, and one on each foot. I'm getting frustrated about my inability to take antihistamines and I may need to work out what I can actually take. I also suffer from a-topic dermatitis and my skin is breaking out and itchy in general. I broke down and used some very low strength topical cortisone last week. But anyway, these bites are particularly annoying. I woke up itching last night at 2am and 5am which is not what I needed at the start of running a workshop.

Next update I assume will be post-scan. I'm so much more relieved going into it though with the NIPT results in hand.

57dpo 10w4d - Scan and NIPT

So the scan went well and everything looks normal! It looks like a proper little fetus now with an oddly shaped bulging head and little stumpy legs and arms. They checked the length and it looks like I'm on target for my fertilization due date which is 10w1d or due on February 15th. They also tested the heartbeat which came in at a strong 170 beats per minute. She was able to show me the placenta which is in the front which means I may feel less movement/kicking for a while. I also got to see the yolk sac which isn't completely gone yet. Basically, there was plenty of time to ogle the little being living in my uterus. I couldn't stop grinning. It was very reassuring, and then of course, fucking terrifying!!! But that is as it should be.
 

Being measured - just the right size

Heartbeat

3d view- it looks like a fetus!!

She also managed to take my blood in one go after looking at my vein with the ultrasound machine to make sure she really had a good one.  She was extremely gentle and I barely felt the needle going on. It was slow to fill and eventually stopped giving blood however, luckily just when enough had been collected for the NIPT. They will send my blood off to the States to get tested, so I won't have the results for at least a week. I've opted in for everything to be tested which includes finding out the sex. I'm still nervous that this final hurdle will prove the one where things go wrong, but I'm feeling much better at the moment. I am really fucking pregnant. It's not just a fluke. Holy shit.

On the taxi ride to and from the clinic I was playing Pokemon Go (yes, I know). It was a novelty to be in a car and be able to grab and collect things. On the other hand, it made me really nauseous.  I'm still nauseous now, which seems odd. I wonder if it triggered some of the underlying morning sickness I've otherwise been avoiding.  Hopefully it will pass soon and go back to how it was.

So other than waiting for the NIPT results, my next scan is the official dating and Nuchal Fold scan the first week of August. Hopefully I get the NIPT results before that scan, because they are are more accurate than the Nuchal Fold screening and it would be useful to go into that scan with the test results. 

56dpo 10w3d - 25%

According to my retrieval/fertilization date, I am exactly 10 weeks today (despite my LMP tracking date). If a pregnancy is around 40 weeks, that means I'm a quarter done already. I know that pregnancy counts in trimesters, but 40 doesn't divide well into 3. And anyway, at this stage, counting days and weeks is more the thing. So 25% it is.

Tomorrow I have arranged an NIPT and a scan. I'm nervous about the scan- that it will show that things have gone wrong. I will be very relieved if it doesn't, but I'm nervous now just the same. Today is also the first day that I'm completely off the progesterone/Cyclogest. There was nothing notable about reducing the progesterone, so it should be fine to go off completely now. Yet another removal of something that made me feel pregnant though!

I will of course report back on tomorrow's scan. Whatever will be is already determined. So it's just for me to find out what it is. I suppose the irony will be if the scan is normal but the NIPT is not. But of course I won't have those results for another week again. So, potentially straight from one waiting period to the next.

54dpo 10w1d - Worrying

It's very easy for me to generally forget that I'm pregnant. I don't have any major symptoms other than tiredness. My breasts seem to have settled a bit after growing some and being sensitive. I still get very fleeting moments of feeling 'off' but nothing as much as nausea or throwing up.

Yesterday I convinced myself that maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore or had miscarried (or had a 'missed miscarriage since I haven't had any cramps or bleeding at all). So I peed on a stick which reassuringly came up straight away pregnant. But then I wondered if it was lighter than the last time I did the test. I think this is somewhat brought on my by wanting to schedule my NIPT this Friday. I can't quite find the one I want without a scan, so I get a scan thrown in (or rather, I pay for it). So I started to wonder and worry about what the scan might show.

This all ended up meaning that in general I felt grumpy yesterday. I may have been snappy with the boyfriend, which also continues to bother me because we've still not talked about the baby situation. I'm still annoyed that I need to bring it up and that he doesn't talk to me. I will, at some point, but maybe not when I'm feeling grumpy about it.

Actually, maybe I just feel irritable in general. It's hard to think of things that are making me happy right now. Work is stressful. People annoy me. Not all people, but a lot of them. I'm sure that the stress at work is not helping, and the stress of worrying and trying not to worry is not helping. I keep expecting the bad news to hit, and that's just not a useful mindset.

The only moderately positive thing on the pregnancy front is that I reduced my progesterone/Cyclogest to one a day and I only have one more day before it's gone. I was a bit worried about reducing to one a day, especially when so many women online seem to report staying on until week 12 and here I was reducing at week 9 to stop at week 10. But so far, no difference in my body or discharge or anything, so I assume it's all fine? Yay to fewer fingers in bums!

48 dpo 9w2d - First midwife appointment

I've had my first midwife appointment which was fine.  It took some time, as there seemed to be a lot of information to enter into the system.  I would say the meeting was mostly procedural.  There wasn't necessarily any new information from this meeting. She went over with me what vitamins I should be taking, what I should and shouldn't be eating, that I should be exercising but not adding new hardcore routines. I brought along a printout of the donor profile so I could answer any questions about 'the other side' which was useful. We touched briefly on where I might want to give birth, and who might be in the room with me. I don't know yet enough about my pregnancy to make any decisions about where to give birth, although I know I really don't want to do it at home. I think I will be too high risk for that anyway, but it otherwise it really doesn't interest me. The birth center is literally attached to the delivery hospital (same building) so you can always start off in the birth center and be quickly transferred if needed, which seems reasonable. But I'll find out more about how it works later in the pregnancy. We also discussed my relationship with the boyfriend and she agreed that a doula is probably a good idea for me, even if the boyfriend decides he wants to be involved. So that was good to talk about albeit briefly.

Part of the meeting was clearly to assess risk factors.  Because of my age (almost 42) and my weight (BMI 34.5) and my history of an abdominal surgery (ovary removal) this puts me at various risks for various things. So one of the things she set me up with was a meeting with an obstetrician.  I guess in the UK you don't meet with an obstetrician regularly unless you are high risk. So I'll go to be assessed and either they'll continue to want to see me or they'll release me back to my midwife team/GP. I may also have an extra scan due to my age. I'm also at a higher risk for pre-eclampsia so I'll need to start taking a daily baby aspirin at 12 weeks.

But basically that was all fine.  The next steps are that I scheduled a blood test for Thursday and I need to also provide a urine sample (in the smallest urine pot known to man I might add). I am now expecting 3 letters: a welcome from the midwife detailing our discussion and baby aspirin stuff; an appointment letter for my 12 week scan at the hospital which includes a permission form for the Nuchal screening; and, an appointment letter for a meeting with the obstetrician.  I've also confirmed that they don't do NIPT yet, so I'm going to schedule that next week. The midwife told me about another Cambridge based private clinic that offers it, but it's cheaper at the one I found already, so I think I'll stick to that. I think I'll also go for the Serenity Plus test over the Harmony. I don't think it makes very much difference at all, except I think I'll get the Serenity results quicker.

Oh, and I also asked about the Cyclogest/progesterone because I'm down to just a few days left. The midwife said I needed to call the IVF clinic to ask how long I should be on it, so I called them when I got back and had a very nice chat with one of the nurses who was there throughout my procedures. She said they normally would end around 7 weeks, and they're happy for it to stop at 9 weeks. She said it's up to me if I stop cold turkey or reduce then taper but it shouldn't make any difference at this point. So I think I will do a full dose tomorrow which is officially 9 weeks if you follow the retrieval/fertilization date. Then I will drop to one a day until I run out and I might every other day the last one or two. So that's one bit of good news that I don't have to be sticking things up my bottom twice a day very soon!

In other news, another woman on the forum in my group has miscarried which is just awful. I was hoping that we would not be the standard statistic as a group and yet we have reached it. And there could still yet be more. It's so heartbreaking. I try to stick to my mantra but am well aware there are still some big hurdles to get past. The NIPT and the 12 week scan being the big ones. I know that there is nothing I can do. What is going to happen is going to happen. The not knowing can be just so hard though.

35dpo 7w3d - First Scan

Back from my first scan and all is well!  The sac was easy to spot, in the uterus, and the flickering of the heartbeat was also visible.  Otherwise, it was all just a squidge, so there wasn't much else to see or report on.  I feel as though the scans done in the States are more detailed because there was no discussion of yolk or pole or anything else.  The radiologist did measure the squidge and it must have been alright because she didn't raise any alarms about it.

So there's the little squidge!  She labelled it for me, in case it wasn't clear.

Otherwise it was a relatively quick and uneventful appointment.  When I got there, the radiologist was confused about why I was there for such an early scan.  The first scan is usually at 12 weeks.  So I said, you know, to see if it's in the right place, the right size, that it's got a heartbeat. So that's basically what she did. It was all relatively quick.  My friend who works across the street from me came with me.  I hadn't originally planned to have anyone go with me, but she offered and I felt like it was probably a good idea.  I mean, if things had not gone well, I'm sure I would have been on the phone to people immediately, but it was good to have someone there, so that worked out well.

After the scan the radiologist seemed confused about when I would next be in.  She thought I might not be in until the 20 week scan but I'm sure that's not right.  But they couldn't seem to work this out, so instead have told me to meet with my midwife (first appointment in 2 weeks, week 9) and that they would make the appropriate scans.  That was a little bit frustrating, but I don't think it makes any difference.  I will get the scans I need when I need them, but it's always annoying when things aren't joined up and smooth.

So despite not really feeling pregnant, I clearly am.  Really hard to believe.  Almost as much as the first positive pregnancy test!  So onward to my next hoop jumping, midwife appointment and NIPT. But definitely a huge relief to pass this hurdle.

34dpo 7w2d - Scan tomorrow

I'm away at an event and so have been able to not focus too much on pregnancy things.  Tomorrow is my first scan though, and I'm a bit nervous.  I still am having no real pregnancy symptoms.  My boobs are definitely a bit fuller and heavier, and I get an occasional twinge of nausea, but that's pretty much it.  I also have occasional twinges in the lower gut/uterus region but I could also be overly sensitive to any such twinges.

I read in one of the baby apps I'm following that my uterus has doubled in size now.  I thought that was interesting.  It also occurred to me that I don't have a good idea of how big a uterus is usually.  I know how big an ovary is usually (about the size of a walnut) but uterus, no.   I also read another thing that said that women with stronger first trimester symptoms have a lower rate of miscarriage. While that may be true, I thought that was a shitty thing to read.  I've seen plenty of women say that they haven't had many symptoms and be fine and vice versa.  So probably not the most useful tip I've seen come by on a pregnancy app.

I was going to work from home tomorrow, go to my scan, and then come in to work but work is so stressful right now that I think instead I'm going to go to work and get a taxi to and from my scan.  It would be more efficient and I have too much to do.

My dad is going to see my uncles and associated family this week and asked what he could or should tell them.  I told him that if the scan tomorrow was okay, that he could tell that but that I'd prefer to wait and see how it goes.  Like I said, I'm a bit nervous that the news will not be good.  Of course I hope that it's all fine.  I'll find out tomorrow, in about 24 hours.  So that's not so hard to wait for.

And of course whatever happens will happen.  If it's all good, I am still going to worry that could change, and worry about chromosomal abnormalities until I can get a NIPT done.  If it's not good, well, it's not good and I'll have to deal with that and plan for the next stages of trying all over again.

23dpo 5w5d - Finally a letter

So I finally got my letter from obstetrics telling me my first scan is scheduled for the 29th.  That will be 35dpo or 7w3d.  Still almost two weeks away.  At least it's scheduled.  I've also scheduled an appointment with my GP for Monday morning because apparently they arrange all your midwife appointments or some such.  I have no idea.  Healthcare is very different here than in the States and seeing as how I haven't been pregnant in either place, I really have no idea what the general schedule is.  I was talking to a woman in my office who is going on maternity leave today and she said there's a 7 week, 12 week, and 20 week scan, and then the scans are done.  It's also not clear to me yet if the UK has rolled out NIPT testing for all women- they did a big study on it and decided they would roll it out, but it's in process.  So I don't know if I'll get it as standard or if it will be something else I need to seek out independently.

I peed on a stick this morning and the line came  up quickly and dark.  So, hCG still rising!  In fact it came up so quickly that I'm not sure I'll get any stronger readings off them.  I think I have 3 more of the eBay strips left.  I also have 4 First Response tests left which seem wasteful.  Maybe I'll try and pass them off to someone?  Of course everything could go horribly wrong and I may need to start this all over again, so maybe just hold on to them until I'm out of some of the danger zones.

Of course being this early pregnant everything is a worry.  I continue to have small twinges on my left side where my ovary is.  I am of course obsessed with wondering if this could be signalling an ectopic pregnancy.  I don't seem to have any other symptoms, but I don't like occasional twinges in the ovary region.  Of course the scan will help verify what is going on- but that's not for two weeks. So until then I'm just trying to not make a mountain out of molehill and be obsessive about it.  I got a twinge in the other side as well, which of course then made me think it could be an ectopic pregnancy in my Fallopian tube stump that's left from the surgery.  See?  Crazy.

In other news I've had my first offer of baby hand me downs, which is awesome!  There are some things I'm willing to spend money on if I can't find what I want for a reduced price.  But most stuff I'm super happy to take hand me downs for.  Babies go through things so quickly and they are barely used.  It makes total sense!

Not much else going on.  Still haven't heard a word from the friend who dumped on me.  I got a day by day pregnancy book which is kind of fun to read over breakfast.  Still not really having symptoms that I can notice, which is probably just as well.  Still doing my Cycologest/progesterone twice a day at 8am/pm like clockwork.  I set an alarm for the evening one- very helpful.  Still trying to be good about doing yoga or walking daily (as well as cycling to work).  And life goes on!

IVF 1 - Day 15 last scan

Had my last scan this morning to confirm the egg retrieval schedule.  I take my Ovitrelle injection at 9pm tonight and my retrieval is scheduled for 9am Wednesday morning (of course I need to be at the clinic sooner).  I think I'm the first one of the day so that they can defrost the frozen eggs and then let me know if they defrosted okay or if they suggest defrosting anymore.  It looks like there were around 9 or 10 follicles of varrying sizes so I'm hoping for 5 fresh eggs.  If I get 5, that would be a good result all things considered.  On the day of the procedure I will take an antibiotic at 7:30am and I start the progesterone (Cyclogest) the day after the procedure.  I need to make sure I have everything prepared because I'll be away at this workshop Thursday and Friday.  But really, all it is I need is the Cyclogest I think.  I might pee on a stick tomorrow just to see what a positive test looks like from the trigger.  That is perhaps wasteful, but part of me wants to just make sure my ebay tests work.

So close now!  It's going to be hurdle after hurdle to get from here to a successful transfer.  There's a lot of possible failure points.  Fingers crossed.

IVF 1 - Day 12 retrieval scheduled

Just a quick update to say that I finally heard back from the clinic after having a mini panic when they hadn't called me by 4:20.  I called them, only to find that they close their phone lines at 4pm (even though they are open until 5pm).  I ended up emailing every email I had for someone there to say please let me know what the fuck is happening (in nicer words).  I finally got a call just past 4:40. Apparently they specifically close the lines so that they can make all the calls back to people but you know, it's the end of the day, it's stressful, maybe not the best plan.

Anyway, retrieval is Wednesday!  I do have another scan and probably blood test on Monday which I don't entirely understand, but fine.  I guess we'll see if I lose the big follicle and if the other slightly smaller ones have caught up.  I have enough drugs to see me through to then.  But yay!  Work crisis averted!  Retrieval scheduled!  Friend with car arranged for pick up!  Kind of exciting....

IVF 1 - Day 12 third scan and tenterhooks

Back from the clinic this morning, my gut was cooperating but the equipment was not.  All week my clinic has had some trouble with their new ultrasound machine in that it won't let the nurse tag the follicles correctly.  This happened on Monday and on Wednesday; today the nurse went and got the old machine because it was happening again.

The uterine lining was looking good and the ovary was clearly visible this time.  There are 6-7 good sized follicles of assorted sizes.  My biggest was 20mm and second was 18mm and then there were 4 or so around 14/15mm and a bunch around 10mm.  This creates a slight quandry.  Typically you can trigger once you have follicles over 18, but I have a bunch just behind.  So do we sacrifice the 20 to get the others to grow?  This decision will determine whether the egg retrieval is on Monday (I trigger tonight) or Wednesday.  Now I'm waiting for a phone call.  In the meantime, I decided to buy more drugs because I'm obviously very much hoping that they decide to do the retrieval on Wednesday.  I mean, obviously I want to do what's best to get the best result, but a Monday retrieval puts me in a 50% chance of having the bad schedule (if I need a 3-day transfer) whereas the Wednesday retrieval will be completely fine.  So now I'm waiting for them to check my blood estrogen levels and have a consultation with the doctors who meet over lunch.  I don't think I'll get a call before 4pm-ish.  So now I just wait.

It took 3 tries for them to get blood out of my fussy veins this time.  One of the nurses is getting super determined that she wants to get it on the first try.  I'm sort of hoping it's possible this is my last go at bloodwork there though.  I mean, I don't think I need another scan because they will just decide today when the collection is and another scan and blood test won't change that.

In the hopes that they will decide that my retrieval will be Monday, I had to buy more drugs; a 300 Gonal F pen and 3 Orgalutran/Ganirelex doses.  Luckily they have all that in the clinic and charge you the same as Healthcare at Home so there's no mark-up on the drugs.  I was also happy they had a 300 Gonal F pen because that's all I need and a larger pen would have cost more.

In other too much information news, all these drugs and what the nurse says are my estrogen levels are causing me to have a lot of vaginal mucus.  This is not so fun and perhaps a bit gross.  I hate wearing pads all the time as the lady bits like to breathe, so I'm just trying to be very clean and remember to go to the bathroom more frequently.  At least that part shouldn't last too much longer!  I think I remember it from my egg freezing cycles but maybe not this much?  I can't remember.

New budget update:

Previous total	£12588
Extra drugs for cycle 1	£241
New total	£12829

IVF 1 - Day 10 second scan

I had a less positive experience at my scan this morning.  Mainly because my body was being very uncooperative and the nurse simply could not get a good view of the ovary no matter how much pushing and twisting of the wand, or pressing down on my belly, or even my going to the bathroom to see if that would make a difference!  The ultrasound stayed very murky and dark with occasional glimpses of the ovary but not a clear picture.

Because it wasn't a clear picture, it was impossible to clearly count how many follicles there were and at what size.  However, it seemed to be that there were 4-5 follicles around 14mm.  This is of course a decrease from the 7 that were visible on Monday.  Given that I tend to not get as many eggs as follicles, I'm now starting to steel myself for a disappointing result.  This then puts a lot of pressure on the frozen eggs and how they perform after defrosting.  Right now I feel like I'll be lucky to get 3 good eggs from this retrieval.  I hope this is not the case, but I'm nervous.

I'm sticking with the 300 Gonal F as they are clearly continuing to grow.  And it's still unclear if the egg retrieval will be Monday or Wednesday.  But I should know this by Friday because either they will want me to trigger over the weekend for a Monday collection, or come in for a scan Monday morning to confirm a trigger and Wednesday collection.  

My clinic only does collection on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I'm hoping the collection is on Wednesday because this will be the 'good' plan option.  If it's on Monday I'm going to be stressed that I'll need a three day transfer and have to be absent for the workshop I'm supposed to be running Thursday and Friday.  However, even though this is not ideal, the back up plan is in place for that, so not the end of the world, just not ideal.

I'm hoping for a better scan on Friday.  Also, I'm hoping for a better blood draw on Friday.  It took three tries today, even though we waited until after my scan (and the scan took a while).  So clearly it's not enough time to make a difference to my circulation if cycling is indeed the problem!

IVF 1 - Day 8 First scan of the cycle

I had my first scan today on day 8 of my cycle (day 7 by stimulation days).  I managed to get completely confused about when the appointment was based on how I put it in my diary which meant I showed up at 9:30 for a 9:00am appointment.  Luckily this was no problem at all and they saw me pretty much straight away.  It took the nurse two tries to get blood out of my arms.  I've decided that I think this blood issue is related to the 15 minute cycle ride I take to get to the clinic.  Typically if I've been cycling for over 10 minutes, my hands start to go numb and feel like I'm having circulation problems.  Because the first thing they do at the clinic is the blood draw, I think the problem with getting blood out is related to this.  I suggested next time they do it after the scan, we'll see if that helps.

So anyway, the scan was fine.  The nurse who did it had a little bit of trouble with their new equipment because it wouldn't get to where she could tag the follicles.  This meant I had the wand in me for a while until she managed to reboot the machine and finally get it it to work.  It also means though I got a pretty good look at the ovary.  So far so good.  The Gonal F is clearly working even though I'm not feeling anything yet.  I had around 7 follicles that were all 9.5-10.5mm, so that was great.  The ideal is for them all to be around the same size and they generally were.  It was clear at that magnification which ones were slightly bigger, but anyway, that was good, and there's still pretty much the rest of this week to go and for things to continue to grow and change.  In addition, my uterine lining also looked good.  The nurse was very positive and pleased, so that made me happy.

Of course I don't want to get my hopes up too high because in the last two of my egg freezing cycles, I had I think 9 and then 7 follicles and then only got 4 and then 3 mature eggs.  So even though seven sounds exciting, I'm trying to preparing for a low return.

My next scan is on Wednesday, and then I've already got one scheduled for Friday.  By Friday it should be clear if I'm coming in for a scan on Monday or if  I trigger or what.  I'm still thinking that based on previous egg freezing cycles that my egg retrieval will be next Wednesday, but we'll see.  I did ask this morning about this process as they require someone to take you home and stay with you (for 24 hours - or anyway that's what they say).  A friend of mine has offered to collect me in her car and stay with me for the afternoon, but she can't come until noon give or take.  However, I saw in the reading they gave me that they want the person who is going to take you home to be there from the start.  Well that's crazy- I can't just have random friends taking all day off work to sit around for a few hours while I have a procedure!!  It's hard enough to get people to be able to take time off to collect me at the right time!  This is for sure one of those times where I get very frustrated with the single mother element, and I also was frustrated during the egg freezing process.  Having been looking at doulas recently, I wonder if this isn't a service they should maybe consider starting to offer.  I'll deal with it, but it's annoying.  And now I have to wait to find out if I need someone there 'all day' or if someone can just come at the end.  I don't want to ask the boyfriend as I think it will upset him. Also, he doesn't have a car, so I'd have to book a taxi at which point I get annoyed about why I have to have anyone with me to begin with.  But I will work it out.

In other news I was at a dinner on Saturday night with some of my students who were graduating this weekend.  I had 1/4 a glass of wine.  I'm not going to kill myself over this.  I've been very good at taking all of my vitamins and morning pills, etc.  1/4 glass of wine is not going to make a difference!

Oh yeah, and I've started taking the Ogalutran which is Ganirelex (which I didn't know) in the morning.  I like that it comes in pre-filled syringes unlike the Cetrotide I had to mix and took during the egg freezing cycles.  However, it stings a bit after injecting it which I don't like as much.  For some reason the shots this cycle have all been more bothersome and often quite pokey.  Occasionally I get one in where I really can't feel it, but more often than not they feel pretty sharp.  Annoying!

Anyway, next update  Wednesday I imagine.

IVF 1 - Day 3

So managed to do my first injection last night but forgot I had a dinner to go to and so didn't do it until 10pm which was a bit later than my intended 8pm.  Today I have my drugs with me as I'll have to inject after the movie which will be around 8:30/9:00.  At least I'm moving it in the right direction and should be then back on an 8pm routine.

The shot hurt a bit last night- I don't know why.  Just didn't get the angle quite right so it was very pokey going in and I even moved it to see if it would be less pokey, but no. Anyway, I got it done and that was that.

I forgot that this morning I had an appointment with the counselor up at my clinic so I got in to work a bit late, turned on my computer, looked at my diary and was like, 'Oh shit!' so I had to put all my stuff back on and cycle to the clinic.  Oops.  While I was there I had a chat with the nursing team about when my first scan is scheduled for.  They reassured me that Day 8 (which is their Day 7 since they count stim days, not from period days) is completely regular and fine.  They did offer to give me a scan on Friday if I wanted one, but as I would have only been stimming for three days at that point, they didn't think there would be any adjustments.  So fine.  It really won't make any difference for me to see it on Friday versus Monday so I will just wait.  But I felt better for asking.

The talk with the counselor was good.  She was very nice.  This was a hoop jumping requirement by my clinic due to my use of donor sperm.  Right now I feel okay with everything, so I really just chatted to her and she asked some questions and all that was fine.  We did spend some time talking about the boyfriend because that is complicated.  I don't know that it helped to talk to her about it, but perhaps just again reassured me that I've got this sorted in my  own mind and am prepared for what may happen either way (he sticks around or he doesn't stick around if I get pregnant).  He and I still don't talk about the baby plan although I continue to update him on each step as I'm doing it.  I know he's not properly dealt with it in his own mind yet, but it's really just not my problem.  It would be my problem if I was relying on him, but I'm not.  I enjoy his company for what it is and if I lose it, I'll be sad.  But the baby plan is my primary focus and he's not actively part of that.  It's also why I was pleased to hear from the pregnant ladies at the DCN conference about doulas.  They all advocated for having one with you in the delivery room and I've since looked into it and looks like a great idea.  So I'm not even worried about who is going to be there with me because I will pay someone to be there with me.

I worked out with the counselor that it's not that I'm feeling optimistic about all this, it's just that I'm excited to be actually doing it.  I'm not unrealistic about the odds, but it's exciting to be doing something- moving forward, etc.  Although I may not feel that way a week from now, I feel that way today.

IVF 1 - Day 2

First shot tonight.  Happy to get this show on the road.

I called the clinic yesterday to tell them my period had arrived and schedule my first scan.  They said the doctor had put me down for an 'early' scan so they scheduled me to come in on Monday which will be day 8.  This is not early.  I was sort of taken back by this, as when I did egg freezing, or even when I had the IUI I think they scanned within the first 5 days. Day 8 seems a bit late.  I mean, some women even trigger on day 8!  Although I for sure will not.  I feel that day 8 is a bit late to make any adjustments to the medications.  I would have thought I should go in on day 5 which would be Friday. At the moment I'm undecided about whether or not I should call to ask for this or as for the reasoning for putting it off until day 8 or just to suck it up.  In general I'm not a fan of the suck it up approach and I prefer more information to less.  However, I also vaguely assume my clinic knows what they are doing.  Although maybe I shouldn't.  Seeing how many follicles there are in the scan, and how they are growing is supposed to help them decide how much drugs I should be taking.  By day 8, I'll be more than half way through stimulation, and I don't know that there's much more opportunity for adjustments.

The women on the SMC forum all felt I should push for an earlier scan or at least get in touch with the clinic.  I think I'll at least give them a call.  The women on the forum also all unanimously supported ICSI for the fresh eggs and assisted hatching for all embryos.  So that was interesting as well.  I did a bit more google research on ICSI and think it's probably a good idea to just go ahead with that. Assisted hatching also seems like a no brainer although there will be an additional cost per embryo for that.  Still, anything that helps.  And also, what's £125 when you're spending £6k+?

So it's Gonal-F only for the next few days before I add in the Ogalutran in the mornings.  All the drugs are currently taking up the cheese drawer in my fridge.  Huh.  Actually now that I'm thinking about it, I'm going to the movies tomorrow when I need to inject so I'll have to take the drugs with me.  At least they gave me a useful drug carry pouch with a portable sharps container for being away from home.  I'm going to go for an 8pm/8am schedule, or as close to that as possible for my injections.

So, still happy to be starting.  Still feeling positive.  This may obviously be significantly tempered whenever I actually get my first scan and see how many follicles are happening.  But also looking forward to finding out what will come out of the frozen eggs.