As we approach the 2-year mark, I find that I am getting more and more comfortable and content with MJ being an only child. My new pet peeve is that it seems culturally fine to talk about how great siblings are and everything you 'get' from a sibling relationship, but it's not really okay to talk about how it may not always be so great. I guess what happens, is those on the cultural norm side suddenly feel the way I feel all the time on this topic, and decide to jump in and be defensive.
So a friend of mine posted this article on Facebook today and I thought it was really interesting. I will also add this is a friend with two siblings, neither of which he gets on with, and that family politics are a continual annoyance for him (he's in his 40's). Part of the issue in his family is that his parents don't necessarily treat their children the same, or give them the same benefits. Then some of the children ask for more from the parents than others, which when given, causes resentment. What a minefield!
I was recently reading another thread on a solo mom Facebook group about someone trying to work out if they should have a second child or not. So many people posted about not wanting their child to be alone, and especially to care for them in old age on their own. I thought there were two excellent responses to this worth repeating here. First, although I am a single parent who didn't find someone to create a family with, I hope with all my heart that MJ finds someone for her. Frankly, I don't expect her to be 'alone' the way I am alone. And even if she is, it's not that big a deal- I'm an adult single parent whose parents are divorced so I have two elderly parents to be on the hook for. And I'm okay. It will be easier for me to deal with things if I don't have to discuss it with, or worse, argue with, someone else about what should be done when the time comes. To be honest, I feel a bit like this about parenting as well most of the time. Thank god I don't have to discuss my parenting decisions and choices and my own life choices with anyone else. That would be much harder!!
But as for this 'taking care of parents' comment that seems to pop up all the time, that's my other point worth noting. Most women are shit at preparing for their futures. Historically, men in families have worried about things like pensions and savings. Women, historically, have been shit at it. This trend continues today with many men saving more for retirement and being more prepared than women. If you don't want your child to be 'stuck taking care of you' in old age, then it is your responsibility to prepare for your own care! If you blow all of your money on a second child and put yourself into debt and have zero savings at the end, you are almost guaranteeing that your child will be responsible for you because who else will?
Forgive me for thinking that you need to be a little bit responsible before deciding to have a child. If you can't afford one financially or emotionally, then please do not have one! Yes, people get by with little and it doesn't necessarily need to cost a lot to have a child. But if you are not taking care of yourself and are unable to prepare for your end of life needs because you sacrifice everything for a child, then I think that's really irresponsible.
I can't possibly talk about this on pretty much any of the single mom forums I'm on because it is guaranteed to offend someone. God forbid you talk about why having additional children could be irresponsible or may not be the best thing you could ever possibly do for your existing child. Yet somehow, it's completely fine to talk about having additional child in a similar fashion. I'm also keenly aware that for some women, they have put themselves into debt for their one child and that this would come across as judgmental to them and they would get upset and feel defensive. So I'll just have to keep my thoughts here.
In my opinion (this is my blog after all), the only reason you should have a child be it your first or your fifth, is because you want the experience of parenting that child, and you are able (financially and emotionally) to do so. That's it!
I love MJ to pieces and I love our life together and I think it would be interesting to see her have a sibling or for me to have another child. But, I actually really don't feel any desire to PARENT another child. I think of it more as an interesting thought experiment. I like to toy with the idea of it, but the reality of moving ahead leaves me cold. So having another child is simply not for me, and our life together will be much better for it, because I will be the best me, and therefore, the best parent, I can be.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Monday, October 22, 2018
1y8m : My family is complete
On one of the threads on the SMC Forum there was a great comment from someone about their family being 'intact'. Meaning, I may be a single parent, but I am not missing anything. My daughter is not missing anything. We were formed completely as a unit of two. It is what is always has been and it is complete. Many people, when hearing 'single parent', assume that there is something missing, lost, or broken. When you are a single parent by choice, this is not the case.
I think this goes hand in hand with the people who say to me things like, 'Oooh, but you're doing this on your own.... it's so much harder for you....' etc. etc. This is a false economy statement because there is no 'harder than' in my world. My life takes the right amount of effort for the choices I've made. I was not stranded or abandoned or left holding threads that I expected or relied on anyone else to hold for me. My life looks different to a coupled parent, the way I think is probably different to a coupled parent, and I do make different decisions than a coupled parent (sometimes, and particularly about my social life in the evenings I imagine). But it's not harder for me, it's just different.
I like this idea of completeness, or intact-ness as a way to describe my family. We aren't missing anything at all, we are whole and complete as we are. And it goes without saying of course, but it's great!
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
1y6m : A person is not your happiness
This isn't entirely about parenthood. Really, it's about all relationships in life. I'm also going to preface this by stating that this is my truth. You don't have to agree with it, but this is my blog, so I'm going to say what I think.
You cannot expect another human being to be your happiness. Not your family, not your partner, not your child. No other human being is responsible for how you feel or should be responsible for how you feel. People in your life can contribute to your happiness. But they can't be your happiness. And ultimately, how you feel is your choice and your decision. It's entirely within your control.
I learned this lesson after a horrible break up and a year of therapy where I came to the realization that having relationships (of any kind, although I was at the time focused on the romantic kind) is just dumb luck. A lot of people settle for less than what they want just to be in a relationship. That's fine for them. It's not fine for me. I do know some people who are ridiculously happy together. These people never tell me that relationships are hard work (although they of course say they require compromise) and often seem their most authentic selves when with their partners. And then there's everyone else.
So when I realized that the kind of dream relationship we're sold in movies and books isn't even anything remotely close to a sure thing, I determined that I obviously couldn't control whether I would be so lucky or if a magical person would magic up to be my special one. I could make myself miserable forever due to dumb luck, or instead, I became determined to make sure that everything (and I mean everything) that was within my control, I made the best that I could, and work out what (that was within my control) would make me happy. Because that was all I could rely on. And I could spend forever wishing and hoping and waiting for luck. Or I could make my world what I wanted it to be for me.
So I did that. And when I embarked on the solo mama journey, I had a budget- an emotional budget, a financial budget, and a time budget. I felt they were all fairly generous, but I knew there was a budget nonetheless. I was 41. I wasn't guaranteed a baby, no matter how much effort I put into the trying. And I knew, that although I would be sad if that happened, I would also be okay. Not just okay, I would have a good life that made me happy, but made me happy in a different way.
Because my child is not my happiness. She gives me so much joy, and contributes to the wealth in my life every day. But if she had never existed, or if god forbid she is ever taken from me, I know that I can be happy again. If I let myself. And not because someone else makes me happy, but because I am in control of my own happiness. No one else is, or should be, responsible for it.
End of soapbox rant for the day.
In other news, work is busy, MJ is SUCH a toddler these days, and everything else is pretty great!
You cannot expect another human being to be your happiness. Not your family, not your partner, not your child. No other human being is responsible for how you feel or should be responsible for how you feel. People in your life can contribute to your happiness. But they can't be your happiness. And ultimately, how you feel is your choice and your decision. It's entirely within your control.
I learned this lesson after a horrible break up and a year of therapy where I came to the realization that having relationships (of any kind, although I was at the time focused on the romantic kind) is just dumb luck. A lot of people settle for less than what they want just to be in a relationship. That's fine for them. It's not fine for me. I do know some people who are ridiculously happy together. These people never tell me that relationships are hard work (although they of course say they require compromise) and often seem their most authentic selves when with their partners. And then there's everyone else.
So when I realized that the kind of dream relationship we're sold in movies and books isn't even anything remotely close to a sure thing, I determined that I obviously couldn't control whether I would be so lucky or if a magical person would magic up to be my special one. I could make myself miserable forever due to dumb luck, or instead, I became determined to make sure that everything (and I mean everything) that was within my control, I made the best that I could, and work out what (that was within my control) would make me happy. Because that was all I could rely on. And I could spend forever wishing and hoping and waiting for luck. Or I could make my world what I wanted it to be for me.
So I did that. And when I embarked on the solo mama journey, I had a budget- an emotional budget, a financial budget, and a time budget. I felt they were all fairly generous, but I knew there was a budget nonetheless. I was 41. I wasn't guaranteed a baby, no matter how much effort I put into the trying. And I knew, that although I would be sad if that happened, I would also be okay. Not just okay, I would have a good life that made me happy, but made me happy in a different way.
Because my child is not my happiness. She gives me so much joy, and contributes to the wealth in my life every day. But if she had never existed, or if god forbid she is ever taken from me, I know that I can be happy again. If I let myself. And not because someone else makes me happy, but because I am in control of my own happiness. No one else is, or should be, responsible for it.
End of soapbox rant for the day.
In other news, work is busy, MJ is SUCH a toddler these days, and everything else is pretty great!
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
1 month 5 days - Settling in to the whirlwind
** I just noticed I put this post on the wrong blog!! So I've moved it to here. I am going to try and do some occasional posting and get back into it... motherhood really is a crazy whirlwind!!
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I don't get much time to type on the computer so updates are unfortunately going to be a bit slow. I've been working on my 'birth story' post in chunks. It's going to be a very long post, so I thought in the meantime I'd post an update here.
Motherhood is excellent. MJ is a relatively easy going baby at almost 5 weeks old. She changes so fast though! In the hospital I was already missing being pregnant and incredibly conscious of how precious each day was with her because she is growing so quickly! Newborn babies don't do very much. They're so little and delicate and lovely. And you are swimming with hormones that make it all the more intense.
The hormones have somewhat abated now and MJ is entering into her first 'wonder week' meaning she is more awake, more alert, and more of a growing person. It's also lovely and fascinating, but it's different. And all of it is passing in a strange haze of endless days at home, of breast feeding, diaper changes, sleep, and a bit of television.
My mom has been here for 3 weeks, so there is one more week to go. It's been okay with her here for the most part. Although she's changed all of one diaper....
Ah, see how this works- MJ is crying, and the boob bar needs to open. More later when I get a chance!
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I don't get much time to type on the computer so updates are unfortunately going to be a bit slow. I've been working on my 'birth story' post in chunks. It's going to be a very long post, so I thought in the meantime I'd post an update here.
Motherhood is excellent. MJ is a relatively easy going baby at almost 5 weeks old. She changes so fast though! In the hospital I was already missing being pregnant and incredibly conscious of how precious each day was with her because she is growing so quickly! Newborn babies don't do very much. They're so little and delicate and lovely. And you are swimming with hormones that make it all the more intense.
The hormones have somewhat abated now and MJ is entering into her first 'wonder week' meaning she is more awake, more alert, and more of a growing person. It's also lovely and fascinating, but it's different. And all of it is passing in a strange haze of endless days at home, of breast feeding, diaper changes, sleep, and a bit of television.
My mom has been here for 3 weeks, so there is one more week to go. It's been okay with her here for the most part. Although she's changed all of one diaper....
Ah, see how this works- MJ is crying, and the boob bar needs to open. More later when I get a chance!
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
38w6d - Boundaries and respect
As the time gets closer for baby to arrive, and for my mother to arrive, she has become more problematic. Last weekend we got into a huge fight which kicked off because she started angling to again 'be at the birth' because she hopes that when she arrives the baby won't be here yet. When I was in the States in October, we arranged her ticket. I kept suggesting she come on the 28th (2 weeks past due date) but she insisted on coming on the 22nd. Again, this was really because she was trying/hoping to be here before the baby comes which would force the issue of her being here for it even though I've told her more than once that I don't want her there.
At any rate, she started in again last weekend which put me in the awkward position of again having to tell her that I don't want her there at which point she started telling how I 'wasn't very nice'. I don't think I can possibly explain how invasive this came across to me as. As if my body, and my intimate experience with my birth and baby had anything to do with her at all? On top of which, to continue to not respect that we've already had this conversation and to push it with me was infuriating. And so this degenerated into a full on argument with accusations flying and history being dragged up. On the one hand, it completely cemented for me exactly WHY I don't want her here for the birth, but on the other hand, it made me so angry and upset which is not the mental state that I need to be in as I prepare for birth.
I don't like the person that I feel forced to become around my mother. But she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't take any responsibility for her own failings. And if I give her an inch, she takes a mile. So no inch can be given. This was reiterated yesterday when we spoke for the first time since last weekend (which is actually about our normal rate of communication so not odd) and the talk was going completely fine until she brought up that she wants me to call her when I go into labor. I told her I'm not calling anyone when I go into labor. She said she wasn't 'anyone' she was my mother and I reiterated that I'm not calling anyone at which point she again started to say I wasn't very nice and then just said she was going to hang up and I said fine, so we hung up on each other before a fight could kick off again.
The thing is, if she'd asked much earlier - emphasis on ASKED - about how she could be involved or expressed a desire to be involved, then maybe I could have worked something out with her. But a week after her manipulative crap about wanting to be there for the birth is not the time to try to invent an alternative way to get what she wants. I don't really see the point of telling her when I go into labor, as I won't want to 'be in touch' with her during labor, and she'll need to wait until I'm ready to announce baby anyway. It would give her the window needed to ring the hospital or other people to bother them if I'm not answering the phone. And labor can take an unknown amount of time. It could be 3 days from when I text her to 3 hours. I'm not sure why she wants to know this other than to secure her place 'at my birth' in whatever way possible. I am not at all convinced, that she wants to know because she is concerned about me in any way. It's all about her. And frankly, my birth is in no way about her, and hence, she is not invited.
Such a fucking mess. It's really frustrating. I don't like how we interact. I don't like that she's manipulative and doesn't respect my choices and authority. I worry about the future and how she will be around me and my daughter. I worry about how I will respond to how she behaves because I don't like the person she brings out in me.
I've said this before, and it's worth saying again, that my mother does all of this from a good place in her heart. She does mean well, and she does love me, and loves this unborn baby more than anything in the world. But she doesn't see how she acts. She doesn't acknowledge when she is rude, dismissive, or disrespectful. She doesn't involve me in her decisions (about me), and treats me like an honest to god child, not a 42 year old woman. This leads to an acrimonious relationship that sits just underneath both of us holding it together most of the time. But birth is emotional and personal and raw; and you can't keep up the nice facade this close to it.
I really hope that I have people in place (doulas, boyfriend) to help manage her being here, and that she does surprise me (as people keep suggesting) and is actually helpful and calm and positive. Right now though, I feel incredibly wary of her, and maybe it's my emerging mama bear coming out, but I have even less tolerance and patience than I would normally try to when it comes to dealing with her. Anyway, we'll see. In the meantime, I'm trying to get her out of my mind and go back to focusing on having a positive birth experience. One that doesn't include my mother.
At any rate, she started in again last weekend which put me in the awkward position of again having to tell her that I don't want her there at which point she started telling how I 'wasn't very nice'. I don't think I can possibly explain how invasive this came across to me as. As if my body, and my intimate experience with my birth and baby had anything to do with her at all? On top of which, to continue to not respect that we've already had this conversation and to push it with me was infuriating. And so this degenerated into a full on argument with accusations flying and history being dragged up. On the one hand, it completely cemented for me exactly WHY I don't want her here for the birth, but on the other hand, it made me so angry and upset which is not the mental state that I need to be in as I prepare for birth.
I don't like the person that I feel forced to become around my mother. But she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't take any responsibility for her own failings. And if I give her an inch, she takes a mile. So no inch can be given. This was reiterated yesterday when we spoke for the first time since last weekend (which is actually about our normal rate of communication so not odd) and the talk was going completely fine until she brought up that she wants me to call her when I go into labor. I told her I'm not calling anyone when I go into labor. She said she wasn't 'anyone' she was my mother and I reiterated that I'm not calling anyone at which point she again started to say I wasn't very nice and then just said she was going to hang up and I said fine, so we hung up on each other before a fight could kick off again.
The thing is, if she'd asked much earlier - emphasis on ASKED - about how she could be involved or expressed a desire to be involved, then maybe I could have worked something out with her. But a week after her manipulative crap about wanting to be there for the birth is not the time to try to invent an alternative way to get what she wants. I don't really see the point of telling her when I go into labor, as I won't want to 'be in touch' with her during labor, and she'll need to wait until I'm ready to announce baby anyway. It would give her the window needed to ring the hospital or other people to bother them if I'm not answering the phone. And labor can take an unknown amount of time. It could be 3 days from when I text her to 3 hours. I'm not sure why she wants to know this other than to secure her place 'at my birth' in whatever way possible. I am not at all convinced, that she wants to know because she is concerned about me in any way. It's all about her. And frankly, my birth is in no way about her, and hence, she is not invited.
Such a fucking mess. It's really frustrating. I don't like how we interact. I don't like that she's manipulative and doesn't respect my choices and authority. I worry about the future and how she will be around me and my daughter. I worry about how I will respond to how she behaves because I don't like the person she brings out in me.
I've said this before, and it's worth saying again, that my mother does all of this from a good place in her heart. She does mean well, and she does love me, and loves this unborn baby more than anything in the world. But she doesn't see how she acts. She doesn't acknowledge when she is rude, dismissive, or disrespectful. She doesn't involve me in her decisions (about me), and treats me like an honest to god child, not a 42 year old woman. This leads to an acrimonious relationship that sits just underneath both of us holding it together most of the time. But birth is emotional and personal and raw; and you can't keep up the nice facade this close to it.
I really hope that I have people in place (doulas, boyfriend) to help manage her being here, and that she does surprise me (as people keep suggesting) and is actually helpful and calm and positive. Right now though, I feel incredibly wary of her, and maybe it's my emerging mama bear coming out, but I have even less tolerance and patience than I would normally try to when it comes to dealing with her. Anyway, we'll see. In the meantime, I'm trying to get her out of my mind and go back to focusing on having a positive birth experience. One that doesn't include my mother.
Monday, February 6, 2017
38w5d - Closer and closer
Sorry for being out of touch! The last few weeks at work were insane. Seriously, insane. It's all good stuff, but it meant that I was working non-stop training my maternity replacement, and trying to do as much as possible for the new program that we are acquiring before I left (that I will be running when I get back).
So time passed, and now I'm in the final countdown. A few different things have happened which are probably worth recording here. From arguing with my mother, to everything I'm doing to try to get baby to come on her own before the induction. Then there's getting the house ready and all the 'nesting'. By the way, I despise the word nesting. I don't think being prepared is anything special or significant. Bringing a new baby into your home requires various degrees of preparation which may mean new furniture and finding places for things and moving things around. It isn't 'nesting', it's just being fucking practical. I have heard of women who start to go insane cleaning, although again, you think about this new responsibility and the lack of a good immune system and I think yes, it's better to clean some stuff then be irresponsible. But I honestly don't think it's 'special', I think it's smart!
So I've been preparing for baby girl by getting the nursery ready, washing a ton of clothes and blankets and muslins and anything else she might use. I've tried to clear up the clutter and sort through things that I've had sitting around for some time. I mean, it was easy to have those things sitting around, but with all the new things coming into my house, I had less space, and it forced me to look at some of these piles of things.
But basically I think I'm ready. I've ordered everything that I thought was 'essential' for me. The only thing I haven't set up is the 'Next 2 me' cot because it's going to be a big obstacle in my room which is fine when baby is here, but I don't think I need to live with empty for a week more or so. But the sheets and everything that goes into it are ready, so hopefully setting it up won't take much time at all.
I've packed two of the three bags I'm taking to the hospital. Baby's bag was the first to be packed and has everything I'll need for her in hospital and to come home. In my NCT class, they suggested packing up the nappy/diaper bag as baby's bag to start to get used to it which I thought was sensible, so that's exactly what I've done. I've also packed my 'going home' bag which includes two pairs of comfortable pajamas, two outfits, a bunch of oversized cotton underwear, an entire pack of maternity pads, some disposable underwear, breast pads, nipple cream, toiletries, etc. The only bag I need to still put together is the 'labouring' bag which includes two robes (one very lightweight as a cover, and one thicker/towel weight robe), slippers, portable speaker, essential oil, magic wand (maybe), TENS unit, food & drink, etc. Basically, everything I might want while I labor. Some of it is sitting in a pile, so it's not that it would be so difficult to shove it all in a bag if it was an emergency, but I'm pretty sure I have time.
Since going on leave, I've started to be more conscientious about the things you can do to promote labor. I've been to acupuncture twice and am scheduled to go again Wednesday and Friday this week. I started with some nipple stimulation using my breast pump which I think did make me more crampy (and I managed to express some colostrum) but when I stopped it all stopped. I'll come back to it, but I wanted a break and felt it was perhaps early. I'm trying to walk although baby is definitely engaged and walking can put incredible pressure on my bladder. Today I basically walked while lifting my bump slightly just to get her off it! I've been eating 6 dates a day for weeks now, and that continues. What else? Bouncing on a ball. I'm really not convinced there is loads you can do to bring about labor. I'm scheduled for a membrane sweep next Monday and the following Wednesday as a last resort. Because I'm also scheduled for an induction on the 17th. After all I've gone through to push off the induction and have good support from the hospital staff, I'm now pretty much determined to go through with it for the sole reason that it will be much much better for my mental health if the baby arrives before my mother does on the 22nd. This is, by the way, a terrible reason to push forward with an induction, but I'm trying to balance mental health and physical health and right now mental health is winning. This is why I'm committed to pretty much doing everything possible to hope that labor starts on its own before then.
But I think my next post will be about my struggles with my mother right now. This post is already long.
Oh yeah, in other news, I've been using the elastolabo and Epi-No nightly and it's given me some confidence about the birthing process. When I started with the Epi-No, it was around 7cm. It's now up to 9.5 and while it makes me feel 'full' and isn't necessarily comfortable, it helps me to know that I've pushed something out of my vagina with that diameter. I've looked up that an average baby head is about 11cm, so that's 1.5cm away. At least it makes me feel less frightened of tearing, and has helped me to understand how having something that large lodged in your privates is likely to feel (i.e., how you feel it more in your bottom). So I'm pleased with that investment. Just hoping I actually get the chance to give birth vaginally!
Midwife appointment tomorrow. Not expecting anything unusual.
It's very strange to be off work. Right now it just feels like some sort of long weekend. It's hard to remember that life is going on without me and people are going to work and getting on with things while I putter around. On the one hand it's good because they really do leave you alone once you're on leave. On the other hand, it's just really odd to suddenly just be on the outside!
Okay, enough for now, more soon.
So time passed, and now I'm in the final countdown. A few different things have happened which are probably worth recording here. From arguing with my mother, to everything I'm doing to try to get baby to come on her own before the induction. Then there's getting the house ready and all the 'nesting'. By the way, I despise the word nesting. I don't think being prepared is anything special or significant. Bringing a new baby into your home requires various degrees of preparation which may mean new furniture and finding places for things and moving things around. It isn't 'nesting', it's just being fucking practical. I have heard of women who start to go insane cleaning, although again, you think about this new responsibility and the lack of a good immune system and I think yes, it's better to clean some stuff then be irresponsible. But I honestly don't think it's 'special', I think it's smart!
So I've been preparing for baby girl by getting the nursery ready, washing a ton of clothes and blankets and muslins and anything else she might use. I've tried to clear up the clutter and sort through things that I've had sitting around for some time. I mean, it was easy to have those things sitting around, but with all the new things coming into my house, I had less space, and it forced me to look at some of these piles of things.
But basically I think I'm ready. I've ordered everything that I thought was 'essential' for me. The only thing I haven't set up is the 'Next 2 me' cot because it's going to be a big obstacle in my room which is fine when baby is here, but I don't think I need to live with empty for a week more or so. But the sheets and everything that goes into it are ready, so hopefully setting it up won't take much time at all.
I've packed two of the three bags I'm taking to the hospital. Baby's bag was the first to be packed and has everything I'll need for her in hospital and to come home. In my NCT class, they suggested packing up the nappy/diaper bag as baby's bag to start to get used to it which I thought was sensible, so that's exactly what I've done. I've also packed my 'going home' bag which includes two pairs of comfortable pajamas, two outfits, a bunch of oversized cotton underwear, an entire pack of maternity pads, some disposable underwear, breast pads, nipple cream, toiletries, etc. The only bag I need to still put together is the 'labouring' bag which includes two robes (one very lightweight as a cover, and one thicker/towel weight robe), slippers, portable speaker, essential oil, magic wand (maybe), TENS unit, food & drink, etc. Basically, everything I might want while I labor. Some of it is sitting in a pile, so it's not that it would be so difficult to shove it all in a bag if it was an emergency, but I'm pretty sure I have time.
Since going on leave, I've started to be more conscientious about the things you can do to promote labor. I've been to acupuncture twice and am scheduled to go again Wednesday and Friday this week. I started with some nipple stimulation using my breast pump which I think did make me more crampy (and I managed to express some colostrum) but when I stopped it all stopped. I'll come back to it, but I wanted a break and felt it was perhaps early. I'm trying to walk although baby is definitely engaged and walking can put incredible pressure on my bladder. Today I basically walked while lifting my bump slightly just to get her off it! I've been eating 6 dates a day for weeks now, and that continues. What else? Bouncing on a ball. I'm really not convinced there is loads you can do to bring about labor. I'm scheduled for a membrane sweep next Monday and the following Wednesday as a last resort. Because I'm also scheduled for an induction on the 17th. After all I've gone through to push off the induction and have good support from the hospital staff, I'm now pretty much determined to go through with it for the sole reason that it will be much much better for my mental health if the baby arrives before my mother does on the 22nd. This is, by the way, a terrible reason to push forward with an induction, but I'm trying to balance mental health and physical health and right now mental health is winning. This is why I'm committed to pretty much doing everything possible to hope that labor starts on its own before then.
But I think my next post will be about my struggles with my mother right now. This post is already long.
Oh yeah, in other news, I've been using the elastolabo and Epi-No nightly and it's given me some confidence about the birthing process. When I started with the Epi-No, it was around 7cm. It's now up to 9.5 and while it makes me feel 'full' and isn't necessarily comfortable, it helps me to know that I've pushed something out of my vagina with that diameter. I've looked up that an average baby head is about 11cm, so that's 1.5cm away. At least it makes me feel less frightened of tearing, and has helped me to understand how having something that large lodged in your privates is likely to feel (i.e., how you feel it more in your bottom). So I'm pleased with that investment. Just hoping I actually get the chance to give birth vaginally!
Midwife appointment tomorrow. Not expecting anything unusual.
It's very strange to be off work. Right now it just feels like some sort of long weekend. It's hard to remember that life is going on without me and people are going to work and getting on with things while I putter around. On the one hand it's good because they really do leave you alone once you're on leave. On the other hand, it's just really odd to suddenly just be on the outside!
Okay, enough for now, more soon.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
36w1d - baby belly bump
I'm 36w1d today, which is really nearing the end. On the one hand I feel like I've been pregnant forever, on the other hand, it all feels so quick. I think this is what happens as you get older anyway, but it doesn't change the strangeness.
Lately I've been thinking about, or trying to understand, that there is a real baby inside that belly of mine. I see pushing and movement, but what I see is a big skin balloon. I don't see 'a baby' and yet, at 36w there is a baby, pretty much completely formed and almost certainly capable of survival. But I just see a bump! I never had a 3d/4d scan of the baby so I don't have a particular impression of her physicality. Looking at regular scans is fine, but it's not a three dimensional baby you are looking at. I feel I'm getting more excited (and nervous) about her getting here.
I'm also at work for less than 2 weeks now. Handing over to my cover which has been great to have a 3 week overlap. Strange to think how easily I can be replaced! But actually work stuff is all good for me right now, as I will come back to a slightly different role doing something more in keeping with my background and expertise. So actually, work is really exciting, it's just strange to be leaving for a while. But I'll be very busy with other things!!
Also hard to believe my mother is going to be here in almost a month. This is an ongoing tension as my mother means very well and her heart is in the right place but she questions everything that I want or do. I keep telling her that I don't really feel the need to justify every decision to her and that it's insulting to me. But she keeps doing it. I think she also feels on some level she needs to put me down in order to make herself seem more needed, which is completely unnecessary. So I'm nervous about the help she is going to be giving me- if it's actually going to be helpful or if I'm going to want to kill her. Only time will tell.
I think the other thing about my mom coming is that she acts as if I'm all alone in the world with no one to help me other than her. As if my single parent journey isolates me in some way as opposed to being something I've been thinking about and actively planning for years. I have a good network around me to support me, and I'm also happy to pay people (like my doula) to support me post-natal. Not to mention the boyfriend, other friends, etc. But to my mother, every time I talk to her I have no one and nothing to help me (other than her). Again, it's frustrating, but we'll get through it. And I know I have my village/network so it's really more her issue than mine.
I need to get some more pictures of these final weeks! I really just can't imagine that soon she's going to be here and it's all going to be different. Eep!!!
Lately I've been thinking about, or trying to understand, that there is a real baby inside that belly of mine. I see pushing and movement, but what I see is a big skin balloon. I don't see 'a baby' and yet, at 36w there is a baby, pretty much completely formed and almost certainly capable of survival. But I just see a bump! I never had a 3d/4d scan of the baby so I don't have a particular impression of her physicality. Looking at regular scans is fine, but it's not a three dimensional baby you are looking at. I feel I'm getting more excited (and nervous) about her getting here.
I'm also at work for less than 2 weeks now. Handing over to my cover which has been great to have a 3 week overlap. Strange to think how easily I can be replaced! But actually work stuff is all good for me right now, as I will come back to a slightly different role doing something more in keeping with my background and expertise. So actually, work is really exciting, it's just strange to be leaving for a while. But I'll be very busy with other things!!
Also hard to believe my mother is going to be here in almost a month. This is an ongoing tension as my mother means very well and her heart is in the right place but she questions everything that I want or do. I keep telling her that I don't really feel the need to justify every decision to her and that it's insulting to me. But she keeps doing it. I think she also feels on some level she needs to put me down in order to make herself seem more needed, which is completely unnecessary. So I'm nervous about the help she is going to be giving me- if it's actually going to be helpful or if I'm going to want to kill her. Only time will tell.
I think the other thing about my mom coming is that she acts as if I'm all alone in the world with no one to help me other than her. As if my single parent journey isolates me in some way as opposed to being something I've been thinking about and actively planning for years. I have a good network around me to support me, and I'm also happy to pay people (like my doula) to support me post-natal. Not to mention the boyfriend, other friends, etc. But to my mother, every time I talk to her I have no one and nothing to help me (other than her). Again, it's frustrating, but we'll get through it. And I know I have my village/network so it's really more her issue than mine.
I need to get some more pictures of these final weeks! I really just can't imagine that soon she's going to be here and it's all going to be different. Eep!!!
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
30w - 75% cooked
Well that's just crazy, isn't it? On the one hand, it seems very far along the journey, on the other hand there's still 10 weeks to go. Still, at this point, baby girl is pretty much well cooked and would have a 95% survival chance if she were to come early. It's a bit funny because I never think about an early labor. It's one of the things that I don't worry about or think about at all, other than this early induction issue. Perhaps because the pregnancy has been so 'standard' and I don't have an obvious risk factors, it just doesn't cross my mind that the baby could come early. Of course she could- I know some people who just had their baby very premature (she's fine). All I can think is that if that were to happen I'm completely not ready! I haven't actually set anything up, I don't have a hospital bag packed, I haven't washed any of the clothes. It would be a mess! Of course I would just deal with it, but still, very not prepared.
I've just gotten in touch with a solicitor to start the process of getting a will set up. I've never had one before as I never particularly felt I needed one. With baby girl on the way and slightly complex family dynamics, I think it's important to do so. As my Dad so lovingly pointed out to me, I could die in childbirth, so really, I should get it all in writing before then (thanks, Dad). But there is some truth to this. I would want guardianship of baby girl to go to one of my friends, not one of my parents. This has caused some issues with my mother who balked when I told her, but it's just sensible. Not to mention the fact that she and my father don't get along at all, so not only would she make no effort to ensure baby girl had a relationship with that side of my family, my Dad would retaliate by not helping to support baby girl whereas if it goes to a friend he would set up an annual trust payment to help with maintenance, etc. Plus my parents are old and not particularly capable of running around after a small child. So friends it is.
Baby girl is clearly getting bigger and space is getting tighter because I feel her more strongly at times. She has yet to punch or kick me in a sensitive area, although I do think she was using my bladder as a pillow at one point. I'm so far lucky that my need to pee still hasn't gone up all that much and I don't need to get up at night to pee, yet. Again, I think these things are coming, especially in the last month, as I know you need to get uncomfortable enough to desire labor. At least, that seems to be the way with every other pregnant person I know.
I wish I had more pictures of my pregnancy. I have a few. It's hard to take them of myself however. I'll need to carefully collect the ones I have as it's a scant record of what is most likely my only pregnancy. I know that I am intrigued by the one or two pictures I have of my mother pregnant and I'd like to be able to share that with daughter in the future. For sure one picture I must get at some point is me on the bike, pregnant. I'm still cycling to work, which is fine. Of course it's winter so I just might look all bundled up instead of pregnant, but if I can get someone to take the picture, I could unzip the bulky jacket for a bit in the spirit of documentation.
I've just gotten in touch with a solicitor to start the process of getting a will set up. I've never had one before as I never particularly felt I needed one. With baby girl on the way and slightly complex family dynamics, I think it's important to do so. As my Dad so lovingly pointed out to me, I could die in childbirth, so really, I should get it all in writing before then (thanks, Dad). But there is some truth to this. I would want guardianship of baby girl to go to one of my friends, not one of my parents. This has caused some issues with my mother who balked when I told her, but it's just sensible. Not to mention the fact that she and my father don't get along at all, so not only would she make no effort to ensure baby girl had a relationship with that side of my family, my Dad would retaliate by not helping to support baby girl whereas if it goes to a friend he would set up an annual trust payment to help with maintenance, etc. Plus my parents are old and not particularly capable of running around after a small child. So friends it is.
Baby girl is clearly getting bigger and space is getting tighter because I feel her more strongly at times. She has yet to punch or kick me in a sensitive area, although I do think she was using my bladder as a pillow at one point. I'm so far lucky that my need to pee still hasn't gone up all that much and I don't need to get up at night to pee, yet. Again, I think these things are coming, especially in the last month, as I know you need to get uncomfortable enough to desire labor. At least, that seems to be the way with every other pregnant person I know.
I wish I had more pictures of my pregnancy. I have a few. It's hard to take them of myself however. I'll need to carefully collect the ones I have as it's a scant record of what is most likely my only pregnancy. I know that I am intrigued by the one or two pictures I have of my mother pregnant and I'd like to be able to share that with daughter in the future. For sure one picture I must get at some point is me on the bike, pregnant. I'm still cycling to work, which is fine. Of course it's winter so I just might look all bundled up instead of pregnant, but if I can get someone to take the picture, I could unzip the bulky jacket for a bit in the spirit of documentation.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
24w1d - movement
I've been away visiting the States and forgot I had blogger on my tablet! It's been a pretty busy trip; usually I take 3 weeks to do this trip and see all my friends and family. This is a somewhat condensed version in 2 weeks, so less down time. I'm only here a couple more days, then it's back to England, and the month of November. Time seems to be moving fast again. With baby coming in February, it didn't feel like much time left!!
At 24 weeks now, everything tells me I should be feeling the baby move. I think i do feel her move but as she's still small, what I feel it's like a small twinge. No one tells you how it's supposed to feel. I completely understand how some women could not know they're pregnant at this stage. It's very easy to ignore those twinges as a muscle thing, not a being growing inside you thing. Now, I can't ignore my shape and body changes, so that's kind of a giveaway, but the movement thing is pretty subtle so far. As she gets bigger, and runs out of room, I resurrect more obvious sensation. For now though, is a funny thing, and not what I expected I guess.
On this trip I've received a number of gifts for baby, pretty much all clothes. I haven't been given a single thing from my registry. It's slightly annoying as I've been given a ton of hand me downs and don't really need clothes. I do however, need the things on my registry. In grateful for the gifts, but wish people were more practical. Ah well.
November will be a busy work month for me, and then it will be December. So crazy. Time is sneaking up on me, is how it feels. It's still hard to believe I'm going to have a baby. Definitely still played by worries though. I think I need a new post for that one.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
22w1d - Advanced maternal age
On Tuesday I had a meeting with the obstetrician at the hospital. This was scheduled because I am borderline for pregnancy risk factors- my age, my weight, and my history of ovarian cyst and abdominal surgery. The meeting, which was very short, was relatively uneventful. However, the registrar said that due to my age, they recommend I have an induction at 39 weeks. Apparently, once you are 40, your risk of stillbirth doubles from week 39 compared to a younger women. This sounds awful, but what it really means is your risk goes from 1:2000 to 1:1000 which still means you have a .01% risk of stillbirth. Still, this was not news I was expecting or prepared for. It sent me to looking through the internet and forums to confirm this information which does seem legitimate. However, it sort of sucks. Follow up reading suggests that induction does not increase the chance of a cesarean section, although I think this is widely held belief. I guess in part the reality is that older mothers in general have a higher rate of cesareans.
This will be something I need to continue to discuss with my midwife and doulas. I really wasn't planning to have the baby early, and I wasn't even thinking about induction at this stage. I guess I need to, and I need to start thinking about when to do it. It seems unclear if the testing shows a difference between 39w and 39w6d so I could get very close to my due date, or I could just decide to go a week early. Although this would only mean I took a week off of work. Decisions to make. But at least I have time to see how the pregnancy continues to progress and talk to my support team.
In other news, I'm off to the States tomorrow for a couple of weeks which should be good. Going to see family and friends which I'm looking forward to. Although I never look forward to the long flight. Hopefully all will be well. I got compression socks to wear so I can be a good pregnant woman.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
19w1d - Productive
I had a four-day break up to Manchester this past weekend where I got to see two lovely friends of mine who are both already mothers. It was lovely to see them in general, but it was also great to talk about pregnancy related things; to get advice and stories of first hand experiences. I went shopping with one at the pharmacy where we filled a basket with 'things I'll need straight away' including breast pads, maternity pads, nipple cream, baby butt cream, etc. Sometimes it's very helpful for someone else to say, 'Get this, it works.' where I don't have to get my brain around all the different advice out there. I also went with the other to look at nursing and sleeping bras which was also useful. I think though that I might see if I can find those cheaper when I'm in the States. Although with the drop in the pound, it may not be the case.
I've started wearing some of the maternity clothes I bought which are ridiculously comfortable. I'm starting to show, and maternity clothes seem to make it look worse, but mostly the clothes are still too big as I don't really have a big enough bump to fill them yet. This will change.
I'm still benefiting from various hand-me-downs which is great. I believe I have now scored a newborn car-seat, a bouncy seat, and a highchair. Although the highchair straps are manky and need replacing- but I've called the manufacturer who says they don't have a replacement. They suggested a different harness though so now I need to go to the store and see if that's really feasible or not.
My mother sent me an email last night because she knows a woman who had kids and she sent through a list of her favorite things. Which was fine. However, then my mother continued on to question my choices about what I wanted saying I should use what her friend used. Like I haven't done my research? As though I don't know what I actually want in my house? Or, you know, that I haven't talked to a number (ie, many more than one) of recent parents about all the things they used and put all of the conflicting advice together in my head to sort out what I believe will work best for me? Gr.
I heard back from the first doula I emailed that she would be away during my due date so couldn't offer her services. I've reached out to another that I liked. I have no idea if I'm late or early on the doula search, but I do know it's going to be important to find one I actually like if they're going to be with me in labor. I'm sure I'll find one I like eventually.
One week to my anatomy scan! Looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've seen baby girl, and it will be exciting to see all the bits of her!
I've started wearing some of the maternity clothes I bought which are ridiculously comfortable. I'm starting to show, and maternity clothes seem to make it look worse, but mostly the clothes are still too big as I don't really have a big enough bump to fill them yet. This will change.
I'm still benefiting from various hand-me-downs which is great. I believe I have now scored a newborn car-seat, a bouncy seat, and a highchair. Although the highchair straps are manky and need replacing- but I've called the manufacturer who says they don't have a replacement. They suggested a different harness though so now I need to go to the store and see if that's really feasible or not.
My mother sent me an email last night because she knows a woman who had kids and she sent through a list of her favorite things. Which was fine. However, then my mother continued on to question my choices about what I wanted saying I should use what her friend used. Like I haven't done my research? As though I don't know what I actually want in my house? Or, you know, that I haven't talked to a number (ie, many more than one) of recent parents about all the things they used and put all of the conflicting advice together in my head to sort out what I believe will work best for me? Gr.
I heard back from the first doula I emailed that she would be away during my due date so couldn't offer her services. I've reached out to another that I liked. I have no idea if I'm late or early on the doula search, but I do know it's going to be important to find one I actually like if they're going to be with me in labor. I'm sure I'll find one I like eventually.
One week to my anatomy scan! Looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've seen baby girl, and it will be exciting to see all the bits of her!
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
17w6d - Popping out
I've been running about and procrastinating less, so less time to catch up. Also, not entirely sure what to catch up on. Pregnancy in the second trimester is so far mostly uneventful. I generally feel fine. Time seems to be a bit slow (it seemed to go so fast to get to 10 weeks, the next 10 not so fast). The biggest news I probably have is that people who know me are 'noticing' the change in my shape. I'm definitely getting the rounded quality that is definitely pregnant and not just fat. I think this is because everything pushes up which rounds out your top bit (say, between the belly button and ribs). It's actually strange for me to 'look' pregnant, like, I keep shocking myself when I see myself in a mirror. I get a bit weirded out though as some women on the pregnancy board ahead of mine say they are only just showing or only haven't put on any weight. Really? Because I think I'm feeling fairly normal, but that makes me feel a bit like a pig.
I haven't weighed myself for a week or two. I'm sure I've put on a couple of pounds but I don't otherwise feel like I've gained too much. My midwife doesn't weigh me which I think is interesting. In fact she just asked my weight at the first meeting we had. I know in the states a doctor would weigh you every time, and be providing commentary.
In my social network, my mother continues to irritate me by being manipulative and difficult regarding 'what I need' for new baby. This really amounts to what she wants, not what I need. She doesn't ask me what I want or need, makes assumptions, and then gets either grumpy or manipulative to try and get her way if I disagree. My 'best friend' is still not talking to me because I'm pregnant and she can't handle it; which I continue to try to be sensitive to, but actually doesn't change how much her actions hurts me. On the other hand, I've had a very positive talk with a friend about the possibility of them being the legal guardians for my daughter if something were to happen to me. I've also had friends spontaneously offer to throw me a baby shower which was unexpected and very sweet. In fairness the love and positivity I get from my non-frustrating friends & family far outweighs the bad stuff. I should try to focus on that more and on the irritants less.
Anything else of note? In no particular order... With the growing belly comes a more regular feeling of 'fullness' which isn't entirely enjoyable. I know it will only get worse, I'm just waiting for my senses to adapt to the new normal and stop making it feel mildly uncomfortable. The prune project seems to be working, and constipation is not nearly so bad. I've been thinking about starting some letters to my daughter, that I could compile into a little book or something to give her when she's older. Is that tacky? My next scan (the anatomy scan) is in 2 weeks, meeting with obstetrician is in 4, then I go to the States and my next midwife appointment is when I come back. Right now that seems like forever away.
I haven't weighed myself for a week or two. I'm sure I've put on a couple of pounds but I don't otherwise feel like I've gained too much. My midwife doesn't weigh me which I think is interesting. In fact she just asked my weight at the first meeting we had. I know in the states a doctor would weigh you every time, and be providing commentary.
In my social network, my mother continues to irritate me by being manipulative and difficult regarding 'what I need' for new baby. This really amounts to what she wants, not what I need. She doesn't ask me what I want or need, makes assumptions, and then gets either grumpy or manipulative to try and get her way if I disagree. My 'best friend' is still not talking to me because I'm pregnant and she can't handle it; which I continue to try to be sensitive to, but actually doesn't change how much her actions hurts me. On the other hand, I've had a very positive talk with a friend about the possibility of them being the legal guardians for my daughter if something were to happen to me. I've also had friends spontaneously offer to throw me a baby shower which was unexpected and very sweet. In fairness the love and positivity I get from my non-frustrating friends & family far outweighs the bad stuff. I should try to focus on that more and on the irritants less.
Anything else of note? In no particular order... With the growing belly comes a more regular feeling of 'fullness' which isn't entirely enjoyable. I know it will only get worse, I'm just waiting for my senses to adapt to the new normal and stop making it feel mildly uncomfortable. The prune project seems to be working, and constipation is not nearly so bad. I've been thinking about starting some letters to my daughter, that I could compile into a little book or something to give her when she's older. Is that tacky? My next scan (the anatomy scan) is in 2 weeks, meeting with obstetrician is in 4, then I go to the States and my next midwife appointment is when I come back. Right now that seems like forever away.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
16w - Constipation
It seems uncanny that on almost all of the pregnancy apps and in the books I read, they have started to mention constipation. I'm afraid I'm suffering from it, and it is not fun. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, and I've just added two morning prunes to my diet to hope that helps even things out. Yesterday I had to retreat to the bathroom twice for over 15 minutes each time. I work in an open plan office and in a small team. People notice when you disappear. That's all I'm saying. Aside from the general unpleasantness and fear that I'm going to give myself hemorrhoids, or rather, worsen what I already have. I've been looking online for additional remedies I can add to my diet. The one thing they all say is to drink more water which is something of a downfall for me because I've never been able to drink that much water (or drink anything in general, they don't call me the camel for nothing). I've increased my water drinking with the pregnancy, but I still probably drink less than your average person. So I'm going to work on that as well. Blah.
Midwife appointment yesterday went well. My blood pressure is very good. Better in fact, then when I was not pregnant. I asked if it's normal for your blood pressure to drop during pregnancy and the midwife said at this stage yes. Anyway, that's alright. The midwife was annoyed on my behalf that when I went for the 12 week scan they didn't do the Nuchal screening test. Although the NIPT is a more accurate test, it's not a fail-safe and a double check would have been completely reasonable. I was a little bit annoyed at myself for not advocating better at the time. Now it's too late. So I'll just have to rely on the NIPT results alone. We also went through all the results of my blood work that I got done after my first appointment and everything was normal and good. Including my iron, which I was concerned about. I also learned that I am blood type O+. I'm not sure I knew that, although my mom did say she thought I was O something.
My gut area is feeling bloated again, although hard to tell if it's from growing baby girl or from constipation. I mean, the belly is going to keep growing, so these feelings are normal. I'm just not sure what it's from at the moment. In the long run it probably doesn't matter. I'm still wearing my regular clothes however. Maybe not the tightest stuff, but most of it seems fine.
I intermittently feel upset that my best friend has gone back to not talking to me. I can't remember what I've put here about this situation. Suffice to say, she's been trying to get pregnant (for kid #3) at the same time I was trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant, she didn't. She stopped talking to me. Then she started talking to me again a month later, but really it was only because she got pregnant, but then things went wrong and she lost the pregnancy, so now she's not speaking to me again. She's struggled with fertility issues for years, and it's amazing she has the two kids she already has. She's been depressed and probably hasn't slept well for 4 years. So I understand she's not well. But even though I understand that, it doesn't mean that her absence of friendship doesn't hurt me at the same time. It's upsetting. And I have a lot of other friends who are awesome and interested and available so I feel rude for complaining about this one friendship, especially to people who are being so great. So I'm also trying not to talk about it to too many people, but it still upsets me a lot.
Friday, August 26, 2016
15w2d - Family
I've had two very different talks with my parents over the past week. I try to talk to my parents (individually, they're divorced) once a week or so. Sometimes it works out to every other week. Sometimes longer. My parents are incredibly different people and my relationship with them individually is also very different.
My dad is good with money. By good with money, I also mean he can also be cheap and frustrating and does not live in a way that I agree with by any stretch. But when it comes to saving money and planning for the future financially, his advice is very useful. So I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago asking if I should be looking at life insurance policies. When we spoke on the phone he said no, because he would help support the child if something happened to me, in that all of my inheritance from him would then be for my daughter. This led on to talking about who might care for my daughter if something happened to me, and how that would work. It was all a very reasonable conversation but did make me think that I should get on top of that before giving birth. My dad pointed out, rightly, that if something happened to me during the birth, I needed plans in place. Of course there is zero reason to think anything so dramatic will happen, but that was sensible advice. It's also important seeing as I have no siblings and both of my parents are old and in my opinion, not capable of caring for a young child (or a child in general at their ages) so it is important and something I need to discuss. I have a couple of very close friends in mind I could speak to about it, so that's the new plan. So that was my discussion with my dad.
My mom and I have a difficult relationship. We don't always get on and there's a lot of underlying animosity on both sides. I find my mother very difficult to deal with, as I'm sure she finds me. It's just how it is. But impending grandchild has raised all sorts of issues that cause me continual stress. For starters, my mother is just inviting herself along to 'be here' for indefinite periods of time without asking. She informed me that she plans to get a one way ticket to the UK and will return when we agree it's a good time. I've stressed to her that I really do not want her here for any more than 6 weeks at a time, and even that seems excessive to me. Especially considering she will want to stay in my (small) house and be on top of me all that time. I know she believes that she will be helpful, but my mother has ideas of what being helpful means and then there is the actuality of what she will do. She thinks being helpful will mean holding the baby whereas what being helpful really means will be cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.. I suggested she may want to not stay with me the whole time but she didn't like that either, again saying 'we can decide at the time' as if having arguments about kicking her out because I don't want her in my house anymore is going to be easier than her just having a place she can go to when it's obvious she needs a)sleep or b) to give me space? I also thought it would be useful to tell her my intentions regarding child guardianship which did not go over well. She clearly assumed that if something happened to me that she would just have the child. Which I can't see. On top of which it would create all sorts of issues of having any relationship with my father (my parents are not cordial) and it would also mean my dad, out of spite, would then not support the child either. So aside from the fact that my mother physically really can't do it, it's not good for any number of other reasons. But she got all shitty with me about it, although eventually seemed to come around to accepting that it's my decision. Just a fucking headache. I wish she would stop assuming things about me and child and ask me what I want or what she can do. She gets overly upset if I disagree with her 'wonderful plans' but she didn't ASK me what I need or want. Because the reality of the situation is it has nothing to do with what I need or want and everything to do with what she wants. As it gets closer to the time, I will put my foot down, and I guess it's good to have these preliminary conversations now as it exposes various things. It's just that every one feels like a battle. Really not fun at all.
My dad is good with money. By good with money, I also mean he can also be cheap and frustrating and does not live in a way that I agree with by any stretch. But when it comes to saving money and planning for the future financially, his advice is very useful. So I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago asking if I should be looking at life insurance policies. When we spoke on the phone he said no, because he would help support the child if something happened to me, in that all of my inheritance from him would then be for my daughter. This led on to talking about who might care for my daughter if something happened to me, and how that would work. It was all a very reasonable conversation but did make me think that I should get on top of that before giving birth. My dad pointed out, rightly, that if something happened to me during the birth, I needed plans in place. Of course there is zero reason to think anything so dramatic will happen, but that was sensible advice. It's also important seeing as I have no siblings and both of my parents are old and in my opinion, not capable of caring for a young child (or a child in general at their ages) so it is important and something I need to discuss. I have a couple of very close friends in mind I could speak to about it, so that's the new plan. So that was my discussion with my dad.
My mom and I have a difficult relationship. We don't always get on and there's a lot of underlying animosity on both sides. I find my mother very difficult to deal with, as I'm sure she finds me. It's just how it is. But impending grandchild has raised all sorts of issues that cause me continual stress. For starters, my mother is just inviting herself along to 'be here' for indefinite periods of time without asking. She informed me that she plans to get a one way ticket to the UK and will return when we agree it's a good time. I've stressed to her that I really do not want her here for any more than 6 weeks at a time, and even that seems excessive to me. Especially considering she will want to stay in my (small) house and be on top of me all that time. I know she believes that she will be helpful, but my mother has ideas of what being helpful means and then there is the actuality of what she will do. She thinks being helpful will mean holding the baby whereas what being helpful really means will be cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.. I suggested she may want to not stay with me the whole time but she didn't like that either, again saying 'we can decide at the time' as if having arguments about kicking her out because I don't want her in my house anymore is going to be easier than her just having a place she can go to when it's obvious she needs a)sleep or b) to give me space? I also thought it would be useful to tell her my intentions regarding child guardianship which did not go over well. She clearly assumed that if something happened to me that she would just have the child. Which I can't see. On top of which it would create all sorts of issues of having any relationship with my father (my parents are not cordial) and it would also mean my dad, out of spite, would then not support the child either. So aside from the fact that my mother physically really can't do it, it's not good for any number of other reasons. But she got all shitty with me about it, although eventually seemed to come around to accepting that it's my decision. Just a fucking headache. I wish she would stop assuming things about me and child and ask me what I want or what she can do. She gets overly upset if I disagree with her 'wonderful plans' but she didn't ASK me what I need or want. Because the reality of the situation is it has nothing to do with what I need or want and everything to do with what she wants. As it gets closer to the time, I will put my foot down, and I guess it's good to have these preliminary conversations now as it exposes various things. It's just that every one feels like a battle. Really not fun at all.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
14w - Facebook
So I did it. I made the pregnancy announcement. Getting a lot of love from far and wide which is nice. And it is an easy way to tell people. Kind of scary. Does it make it all somehow more real? Or does it just make it more precarious in case something goes wrong?
At any rate, I'm enjoying the global love. It pairs nicely with the birthday love. I swear this is what social media is for.
Oh yeah, in the meantime, at 14w today, I can definitively say this is now the second trimester! Woohoo!
At any rate, I'm enjoying the global love. It pairs nicely with the birthday love. I swear this is what social media is for.
Oh yeah, in the meantime, at 14w today, I can definitively say this is now the second trimester! Woohoo!
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
76dpo 13w2d - How to tell
I continue to mull over the idea of doing some sort of pregnancy announcement. My books are varied in when the first trimester ends- end of 12th or 13th week. Tomorrow is officially 13 weeks by fertilization date. My birthday is in a week, so I was debating putting something up then, as I'm expecting a bunch of the standard happy birthday messages on Facebook. I've been telling people in person, but there are a lot of people I know who live in other countries, so this would be an easy way to get the word out. Isn't that what social media is sort of for? I'd like to be able to tell people in person, but I guess it's the next best thing. I haven't come up with any sort of clever way to do it- probably just a picture from the last scan.
It's been a bit weird for me that two good friends of mine, of the same age, who both got pregnant around when I got pregnant have both lost their pregnancies. I was excited that we were all pregnant, and now they are not. I'm feeling as though I am past most of the danger points, although there is always a small risk. A work colleague lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks last year, and I know of someone else who found out their baby had died just a couple of weeks before birth. While I still worry on some level, I am starting to feel ever so cautiously optimistic that this is really happening and I'm going to have a baby. It's hard not to feel guilty that I am still pregnant when they aren't. I mean, not guilty like there's anything wrong, but that I know my pregnancy may hurt them or be hard to deal with which makes me sad.
In other entertaining news, I had to remind my mother that presents for the baby do not equate to birthday presents for me. She was very kind and offered me one of the baby items as a birthday present, but for my birthday- in a week. I suggested to her there were any number of things she could give to me, and that if she wanted to get things for the baby, that was awesome, but it wasn't exactly a present for me. Having talked to her last night, I think she may now look into getting me a pregnancy massage or something like that, which would be very cool. I also suggested a jewelry (for me) that symbolized impending motherhood. A meal voucher. You know, something FOR me? Anyway, it was funny and she took it all in good humor. I'm being usurped by the granddaughter already, and it's still a ways before she gets here!!
In better news, I weighed myself this morning and I seem to be back at a 'normal' weight and not the heavy weight I got last week. I'll check again the next couple of days because my scale can be wonky. However, I was concerned I'd put on too much weight; if the scale was right this morning, I've only put in 2 pounds since the start of the pregnancy as opposed to 7. Which would be much better.
It's been a bit weird for me that two good friends of mine, of the same age, who both got pregnant around when I got pregnant have both lost their pregnancies. I was excited that we were all pregnant, and now they are not. I'm feeling as though I am past most of the danger points, although there is always a small risk. A work colleague lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks last year, and I know of someone else who found out their baby had died just a couple of weeks before birth. While I still worry on some level, I am starting to feel ever so cautiously optimistic that this is really happening and I'm going to have a baby. It's hard not to feel guilty that I am still pregnant when they aren't. I mean, not guilty like there's anything wrong, but that I know my pregnancy may hurt them or be hard to deal with which makes me sad.
In other entertaining news, I had to remind my mother that presents for the baby do not equate to birthday presents for me. She was very kind and offered me one of the baby items as a birthday present, but for my birthday- in a week. I suggested to her there were any number of things she could give to me, and that if she wanted to get things for the baby, that was awesome, but it wasn't exactly a present for me. Having talked to her last night, I think she may now look into getting me a pregnancy massage or something like that, which would be very cool. I also suggested a jewelry (for me) that symbolized impending motherhood. A meal voucher. You know, something FOR me? Anyway, it was funny and she took it all in good humor. I'm being usurped by the granddaughter already, and it's still a ways before she gets here!!
In better news, I weighed myself this morning and I seem to be back at a 'normal' weight and not the heavy weight I got last week. I'll check again the next couple of days because my scale can be wonky. However, I was concerned I'd put on too much weight; if the scale was right this morning, I've only put in 2 pounds since the start of the pregnancy as opposed to 7. Which would be much better.
Monday, August 1, 2016
68dpo 12w1d - Feeling good makes me feel bad
So the past two days I've felt completely fine. Of course what does this mean? It means I don't 'feel' pregnant. Which leads to me starting to worry that something has changed or is different or etc. etc. etc. I'm glad I have a scan on Thursday which should reassure me that everything is as it should be. There won't be another scan until week 20 I think, so I'm going to have to just find a way to believe that everything is fine even though I feel fine. Which frankly, sounds ridiculous.
I called my mom to tell her the results of the NIPT. She was very excited. It was a bit funny because she asked me if I've thought of a name yet. The thing is, I've thought of a baby girl name since I was 16 (and it hasn't changed) and since I was 24(ish) and my aunt died, I've had the middle name picked as well. So girl name has been set in my mind for a very long time. Which means at various points over time, I've discussed it with my mom. Because she basically guessed/knew the name that I've picked. I confirmed that's the name I'm planning but implored her not to share it with anyone. She asked why not. I said well, when the baby comes, that's the name. Before that, people will have opinions. And frankly, I'm not interested in anyone's opinions. I think I got through to her and she'll keep it to herself. But I did say she could start telling people I'm pregnant because I feel I'm over that hurdle, first paragraph notwithstanding.
I've been recently attacked by some bastard bugs and have 3 very itchy spots, one on the back of my right hand, and one on each foot. I'm getting frustrated about my inability to take antihistamines and I may need to work out what I can actually take. I also suffer from a-topic dermatitis and my skin is breaking out and itchy in general. I broke down and used some very low strength topical cortisone last week. But anyway, these bites are particularly annoying. I woke up itching last night at 2am and 5am which is not what I needed at the start of running a workshop.
Next update I assume will be post-scan. I'm so much more relieved going into it though with the NIPT results in hand.
I called my mom to tell her the results of the NIPT. She was very excited. It was a bit funny because she asked me if I've thought of a name yet. The thing is, I've thought of a baby girl name since I was 16 (and it hasn't changed) and since I was 24(ish) and my aunt died, I've had the middle name picked as well. So girl name has been set in my mind for a very long time. Which means at various points over time, I've discussed it with my mom. Because she basically guessed/knew the name that I've picked. I confirmed that's the name I'm planning but implored her not to share it with anyone. She asked why not. I said well, when the baby comes, that's the name. Before that, people will have opinions. And frankly, I'm not interested in anyone's opinions. I think I got through to her and she'll keep it to herself. But I did say she could start telling people I'm pregnant because I feel I'm over that hurdle, first paragraph notwithstanding.
I've been recently attacked by some bastard bugs and have 3 very itchy spots, one on the back of my right hand, and one on each foot. I'm getting frustrated about my inability to take antihistamines and I may need to work out what I can actually take. I also suffer from a-topic dermatitis and my skin is breaking out and itchy in general. I broke down and used some very low strength topical cortisone last week. But anyway, these bites are particularly annoying. I woke up itching last night at 2am and 5am which is not what I needed at the start of running a workshop.
Next update I assume will be post-scan. I'm so much more relieved going into it though with the NIPT results in hand.
Monday, July 11, 2016
47dpo 9w1d - Reflections
First a quick update. I finally heard from my friend after 4 weeks of nothing. I was very relieved to hear from her, and she apologized, which was good. I think we're okay now. It was an unpleasant blip but at least it's sorted.
First midwife appointment is tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have something to record about how that goes. I'm very interested in finding out about the NIPT availability. And also anything else having to do with my new status!
I read a couple of news pieces recently about single mothers; one is here and the other is here.
Obviously there are many, many other articles about single motherhood, these are just the two I read over the weekend. What I found particularly interesting, and shocking were some of the comments on both pieces. While I have immersed myself in the decision to become a single mother, I am continually surprised that other people would voice such ignorant and insulting responses to the concept. My favorite ignorant ranting is about the 'unnatural' method through which a single woman becomes a mother. I mean, of course, for starters, many women use a known donor and techniques that are pretty much 'natural'. But more insultingly, I wonder if these commentators are aware of how many married couples also must turn to reproductive technologies to have a child, which may include the use of a donor (either egg or sperm). I'm sure they wouldn't be quite so quick to gnash their teeth if it was a married couple pursing IVF, but as soon as it's a single woman, all bets are off the table. This goes hand in hand with the ever popular 'why don't you just adopt?' line of commentary which again one must wonder if this comment is said to every married couple they know. I mean if there are so many children so desperate for homes out there (and so easy to adopt?!) then surely the best place for them in your misguided view of the world would be in a home with a mother and father. So really, no couple should reproduce if they could adopt, or are you being hypocritical.....
Then there are the comments about these women 'sponging off the state and tax dollars' which I find entertaining because it doesn't say anywhere that the single mothers are needing social welfare. But so what if they were? Do only married couples qualify for social welfare? If you are married and have a child, but you can't afford it, it's okay for you to have social welfare but not a single mother? Certainly in my case I am preparing financially and have been preparing financially for the burden of having a child, and it's not something I've undertaken lightly. Which is of course very different to the people on TV on '16 and pregnant' and other such people who get pregnant with no clear means to support a child. But if I end up in trouble and I need social benefit, should I not be deserving of it because I chose to have a child? Troubling.
And finally the often trod out statistics about the harm to a child from a single parent household. Of course no one wishes to harm their child, and you could turn to Philip Larkin for advice here. But many of those statistics have to do with situations which are very different from a choice mother's situation. I've also seen more nuanced statistics that suggest that the issues have far more to do with poverty level and age of parent than 'single parenthood' as a block grouping. But again, so what? Are children not harmed by coupled families? Of course they are. Your odds may be somewhat statistically higher, but there is risk to everything in life. Parents do the best they can with what they have, hopefully. But all people can run into trouble and things can go wrong, so either no one should have children, or get off your high horse.
Other comments of irritation were people insisting that a sperm donor is a father which I suppose is a matter of semantics and pedantry and if you wanted to I suppose you could comfortably say that a donor is a biological father in the same way that a birth mother is not considered the 'mother' of a child. To parent a child and to give your genetic material to the making of a child are I think, everyone an agree, two very different things. I believe it is good to provide distinctions for children and set their expectations. So when I tell my future child they have a donor and not a daddy, it will be clear on what I see the difference is between a genetic scientific fact and a parent who cares for you and loves you. If I did anything otherwise it would set a false expectation. Of course a child has a genetic father, but if you can't see how throwing words around like that is confusing to a child, then you are probably the problem actually.
At any rate, I'm happy that I am generally supported and not assaulted by my network of friends and family. Although I equally am aware that some may hold contrary opinions that they express outside of my hearing. I'm okay with that. I'm sure certain friends of mine have doubts or concerns, they may think I'm not up to it, that it's going to be too hard, that I'm crazy for taking this on, etc. But my friends support me to my face, and if they have them, express their concerns elsewhere. If I do have such friends, then hopefully I will prove them wrong, and hopefully they also hope I will prove them wrong.
Life isn't easy, full stop. But it is what you make of it. So make it the best you can for yourself and those within it. What else can you do?
First midwife appointment is tomorrow, so I'm sure I'll have something to record about how that goes. I'm very interested in finding out about the NIPT availability. And also anything else having to do with my new status!
I read a couple of news pieces recently about single mothers; one is here and the other is here.
Obviously there are many, many other articles about single motherhood, these are just the two I read over the weekend. What I found particularly interesting, and shocking were some of the comments on both pieces. While I have immersed myself in the decision to become a single mother, I am continually surprised that other people would voice such ignorant and insulting responses to the concept. My favorite ignorant ranting is about the 'unnatural' method through which a single woman becomes a mother. I mean, of course, for starters, many women use a known donor and techniques that are pretty much 'natural'. But more insultingly, I wonder if these commentators are aware of how many married couples also must turn to reproductive technologies to have a child, which may include the use of a donor (either egg or sperm). I'm sure they wouldn't be quite so quick to gnash their teeth if it was a married couple pursing IVF, but as soon as it's a single woman, all bets are off the table. This goes hand in hand with the ever popular 'why don't you just adopt?' line of commentary which again one must wonder if this comment is said to every married couple they know. I mean if there are so many children so desperate for homes out there (and so easy to adopt?!) then surely the best place for them in your misguided view of the world would be in a home with a mother and father. So really, no couple should reproduce if they could adopt, or are you being hypocritical.....
Then there are the comments about these women 'sponging off the state and tax dollars' which I find entertaining because it doesn't say anywhere that the single mothers are needing social welfare. But so what if they were? Do only married couples qualify for social welfare? If you are married and have a child, but you can't afford it, it's okay for you to have social welfare but not a single mother? Certainly in my case I am preparing financially and have been preparing financially for the burden of having a child, and it's not something I've undertaken lightly. Which is of course very different to the people on TV on '16 and pregnant' and other such people who get pregnant with no clear means to support a child. But if I end up in trouble and I need social benefit, should I not be deserving of it because I chose to have a child? Troubling.
And finally the often trod out statistics about the harm to a child from a single parent household. Of course no one wishes to harm their child, and you could turn to Philip Larkin for advice here. But many of those statistics have to do with situations which are very different from a choice mother's situation. I've also seen more nuanced statistics that suggest that the issues have far more to do with poverty level and age of parent than 'single parenthood' as a block grouping. But again, so what? Are children not harmed by coupled families? Of course they are. Your odds may be somewhat statistically higher, but there is risk to everything in life. Parents do the best they can with what they have, hopefully. But all people can run into trouble and things can go wrong, so either no one should have children, or get off your high horse.
Other comments of irritation were people insisting that a sperm donor is a father which I suppose is a matter of semantics and pedantry and if you wanted to I suppose you could comfortably say that a donor is a biological father in the same way that a birth mother is not considered the 'mother' of a child. To parent a child and to give your genetic material to the making of a child are I think, everyone an agree, two very different things. I believe it is good to provide distinctions for children and set their expectations. So when I tell my future child they have a donor and not a daddy, it will be clear on what I see the difference is between a genetic scientific fact and a parent who cares for you and loves you. If I did anything otherwise it would set a false expectation. Of course a child has a genetic father, but if you can't see how throwing words around like that is confusing to a child, then you are probably the problem actually.
At any rate, I'm happy that I am generally supported and not assaulted by my network of friends and family. Although I equally am aware that some may hold contrary opinions that they express outside of my hearing. I'm okay with that. I'm sure certain friends of mine have doubts or concerns, they may think I'm not up to it, that it's going to be too hard, that I'm crazy for taking this on, etc. But my friends support me to my face, and if they have them, express their concerns elsewhere. If I do have such friends, then hopefully I will prove them wrong, and hopefully they also hope I will prove them wrong.
Life isn't easy, full stop. But it is what you make of it. So make it the best you can for yourself and those within it. What else can you do?
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
34dpo 7w2d - Scan tomorrow
I'm away at an event and so have been able to not focus too much on pregnancy things. Tomorrow is my first scan though, and I'm a bit nervous. I still am having no real pregnancy symptoms. My boobs are definitely a bit fuller and heavier, and I get an occasional twinge of nausea, but that's pretty much it. I also have occasional twinges in the lower gut/uterus region but I could also be overly sensitive to any such twinges.
I read in one of the baby apps I'm following that my uterus has doubled in size now. I thought that was interesting. It also occurred to me that I don't have a good idea of how big a uterus is usually. I know how big an ovary is usually (about the size of a walnut) but uterus, no. I also read another thing that said that women with stronger first trimester symptoms have a lower rate of miscarriage. While that may be true, I thought that was a shitty thing to read. I've seen plenty of women say that they haven't had many symptoms and be fine and vice versa. So probably not the most useful tip I've seen come by on a pregnancy app.
I was going to work from home tomorrow, go to my scan, and then come in to work but work is so stressful right now that I think instead I'm going to go to work and get a taxi to and from my scan. It would be more efficient and I have too much to do.
My dad is going to see my uncles and associated family this week and asked what he could or should tell them. I told him that if the scan tomorrow was okay, that he could tell that but that I'd prefer to wait and see how it goes. Like I said, I'm a bit nervous that the news will not be good. Of course I hope that it's all fine. I'll find out tomorrow, in about 24 hours. So that's not so hard to wait for.
And of course whatever happens will happen. If it's all good, I am still going to worry that could change, and worry about chromosomal abnormalities until I can get a NIPT done. If it's not good, well, it's not good and I'll have to deal with that and plan for the next stages of trying all over again.
I read in one of the baby apps I'm following that my uterus has doubled in size now. I thought that was interesting. It also occurred to me that I don't have a good idea of how big a uterus is usually. I know how big an ovary is usually (about the size of a walnut) but uterus, no. I also read another thing that said that women with stronger first trimester symptoms have a lower rate of miscarriage. While that may be true, I thought that was a shitty thing to read. I've seen plenty of women say that they haven't had many symptoms and be fine and vice versa. So probably not the most useful tip I've seen come by on a pregnancy app.
I was going to work from home tomorrow, go to my scan, and then come in to work but work is so stressful right now that I think instead I'm going to go to work and get a taxi to and from my scan. It would be more efficient and I have too much to do.
My dad is going to see my uncles and associated family this week and asked what he could or should tell them. I told him that if the scan tomorrow was okay, that he could tell that but that I'd prefer to wait and see how it goes. Like I said, I'm a bit nervous that the news will not be good. Of course I hope that it's all fine. I'll find out tomorrow, in about 24 hours. So that's not so hard to wait for.
And of course whatever happens will happen. If it's all good, I am still going to worry that could change, and worry about chromosomal abnormalities until I can get a NIPT done. If it's not good, well, it's not good and I'll have to deal with that and plan for the next stages of trying all over again.
Monday, June 20, 2016
26dpo 6w1d - Appointments
I saw my GP this morning. It was a relatively short appointment but now I'm properly 'in the system'. There isn't much for the GP to do- apparently with the NHS most of your care is through midwife appointments; and there are about 10 throughout your pregnancy he said. So I made my first appointment for the 12th as that was the earliest that would work. Perhaps a week later than desired. I also received a 'pregnancy' pack which I haven't had a chance to look through properly but is sponsored by Bounty so there are some branded things in it. I glanced inside and saw a sample pack of pregnancy vitamins so that's cool as those are pricey. I ordered some extra folic acid for the next couple of months, although it's in the multivitamin, I'm overweight so not bad to take more. The GP took my blood pressure which was fine. The lower number runs towards the high end but I think it was 124/85 so that's within normal.
I told my GP the results of my hCG blood tests and he mentioned that the numbers were on the low side but of course early. Which of course made me twinge with worry. The numbers doubled- which is what they say is more important than the actual number. And yes, they were low in the sense that it was 14dpo and 16dpo. I am consoled that my pregnancy tests got progressively darker and stronger meaning hCG was rising. But anyway, blah.
Today I'm feeling twinges in the gut/tummy/uterus region and of course I'm trying not to worry about it or think about it too much. I want everything to go smoothly, obviously, but I am also unable not to worry that it won't. On the forum that I frequent there appears to always be at least 2 women who miscarry within each 3 month group. So it's a rather gruesome game of Russian roulette. Of course none of us may miscarry- which would be awesome of course. But looking through the history of the pregnancy boards, there seems to always be at least 2. So that's sobering. (Apologies to those of you from the board who may have read this and found it upsetting).
A woman in my three month group posted about her anxiety levels around the pregnancy. I don't think it's possible to be pregnant and not worry, I guess it's how you process your worrying that makes a difference. The only thing I can console myself with right now is that there is nothing I can do to change anything. The future is already written- I just don't know it yet. Will I miscarry? Is this ectopic? Will there be a chromosomal abnormality? So many things that you could worry about it. But worrying about them doesn't change anything at all. If bad shit happens, I will deal with it and get through it because I have to. And I know I can, because I am a strong person and I have a network of friends and family who love me. I can't change what that future will be. I just don't know what it is yet. And that's scary and frustrating and stressful. But really I need to just be patient and wait. Take each day, each moment for what it is. I can't change the future, so I can only be present in the now. Anyway, that's how I try to get through the stress and worry. Of course not entirely helpful when you are second guessing every twinge!
In other news I told my dad last night that I was pregnant. He hasn't been the most on board with the pregnancy plan but was surprisingly supportive. Of course he was supportive in the way that my dad is able to be supportive- mainly by indicating how he would be able to provide some financial support to a child of mine. But hey, financial support is really important. And for my dad, being able to take care of someone (financially) is how he shows that he loves them. So that was nice. This isn't to say that my dad will foot all the baby bills for everything. In fact, far from it. But anyway, it was nice to feel supported.
I told my GP the results of my hCG blood tests and he mentioned that the numbers were on the low side but of course early. Which of course made me twinge with worry. The numbers doubled- which is what they say is more important than the actual number. And yes, they were low in the sense that it was 14dpo and 16dpo. I am consoled that my pregnancy tests got progressively darker and stronger meaning hCG was rising. But anyway, blah.
Today I'm feeling twinges in the gut/tummy/uterus region and of course I'm trying not to worry about it or think about it too much. I want everything to go smoothly, obviously, but I am also unable not to worry that it won't. On the forum that I frequent there appears to always be at least 2 women who miscarry within each 3 month group. So it's a rather gruesome game of Russian roulette. Of course none of us may miscarry- which would be awesome of course. But looking through the history of the pregnancy boards, there seems to always be at least 2. So that's sobering. (Apologies to those of you from the board who may have read this and found it upsetting).
A woman in my three month group posted about her anxiety levels around the pregnancy. I don't think it's possible to be pregnant and not worry, I guess it's how you process your worrying that makes a difference. The only thing I can console myself with right now is that there is nothing I can do to change anything. The future is already written- I just don't know it yet. Will I miscarry? Is this ectopic? Will there be a chromosomal abnormality? So many things that you could worry about it. But worrying about them doesn't change anything at all. If bad shit happens, I will deal with it and get through it because I have to. And I know I can, because I am a strong person and I have a network of friends and family who love me. I can't change what that future will be. I just don't know what it is yet. And that's scary and frustrating and stressful. But really I need to just be patient and wait. Take each day, each moment for what it is. I can't change the future, so I can only be present in the now. Anyway, that's how I try to get through the stress and worry. Of course not entirely helpful when you are second guessing every twinge!
In other news I told my dad last night that I was pregnant. He hasn't been the most on board with the pregnancy plan but was surprisingly supportive. Of course he was supportive in the way that my dad is able to be supportive- mainly by indicating how he would be able to provide some financial support to a child of mine. But hey, financial support is really important. And for my dad, being able to take care of someone (financially) is how he shows that he loves them. So that was nice. This isn't to say that my dad will foot all the baby bills for everything. In fact, far from it. But anyway, it was nice to feel supported.
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