IVF 1 - Day 29 6dp6dt

Another day, another negative.  I am finding this wait much harder than the IUI wait because I know there was a fertilized embryo there.  With IUI you don't know if the sperm ever met the egg, if it fertilized or what.  But this is different.  And definitely more difficult.

Online reading is unhelpful.  A lot of women get early results, so start to see things as early as 9 days past ovulation (or in my case, 3dp6dt, and the first day I tested).  On the forum I'm on, this was the case for one of the women who started to see positives pretty fast (4dp5dt).  This of course makes me feel particularly negative by comparison.  However, my friend who was once pregnant with twins said she only got a super faint line the day she was supposed to test.  Although I don't know if that was the first day she tested or the first time she got a positive test.  But looking online, it does seem a lot of people still only start to see a positive day 14/15/16 (16 is my official test).  I could also look to the fact that everything about my body seems to go slower than average- longer stimulation time, longer embryo development time.  So maybe longer hCG buildup time?

Still, the waiting is awful.  I'm also not pleased that it's not standard in the UK to do a beta hCG blood test which is apparently completely common in North America for people doing fertility treatments. I can understand not doing it for IUI because the odds are much lower.  But with an embryo transfer, you know that something went in.  Even if it was an add-on, how much would that blood test cost?  I can't believe it would cost very much and I would totally pay for it.  Actually I'm going to see if my GP will let me pay for it.  I have no idea if you can pay your GP to do a blood test they wouldn't usually cover, but again, how much could that possibly be?

I don't know.  My period hasn't arrived either, which would obviously be a big sign.  Although this is day 29, and that would be early for my period.  My last cycle was particularly late I think.  So it's not currently a useful indicator.  It's also not clear if the progesterone/Cyclogest might delay your period. I don't think it delays it indefinitely but it could set it back, so again, not helpful.

For the record, I still think in my heart I'm not pregnant, I would just really like to know something for sure so I can move on from this place.

Now I really wish I'd tested out the trigger shot, just to see if those sticks work.  I could give in to the madness and go buy a better pregnancy test at lunch.  I don't know why I find that a problematic choice when it seems to clearly be what I should go do.

Cycle 2 ends, a month off

Definitely my period.  The official test was negative, bleeding continues although still a bit oddly albeit steadily.  I need to give my clinic a ring and let them know and schedule the consultation to begin IVF on my next period.  So one month off.  I'm sure it will go quickly.  In the meantime I had a nice glass of wine last night because I could.

I'm sad the IUIs didn't work.  However, I'm sort of looking forward to an IVF cycle as I will then have a lot more information about what's happening.  I suppose we'll see how the cycle goes and if it's a complete bust, perhaps move straight on to the frozen eggs.  Anyway, one thing at a time.  At least now I won't be having a Xmas/New Years baby.  I always think that sort of sucks birthday wise.

So many decisions on this journey seem monumental to make, only to find that the result is a lot of 'stuff' (time, etc) you maybe didn't expect and that certainly slow any sort of real progress.  Or at least not consciously.  It seemed like such a big deal to decide to try, and now getting pregnant seems like an impossible hurdle.  And I've only tried two cycles!!

TWW 2 - Day 15 ugh

I'm pretty sure it's my period.  But a very strange period.  So maybe there was some nonviable action going on in my uterus.  My period hasn't started properly but it's like a start stop bit of smudge, bit of color, then nothing, then something then nothing.  I'm feeling a bit crampy though.  And all tests are negative.  Including the one I took this morning which was a clinic test.  The clinic wants the official test to be tomorrow.  Which is fine.  But I have no reason to think this is anything other than my period.  I will test tomorrow to confirm, and be waiting for my period to arrive properly.  Then it's a month off before starting my first IVF cycle.  Ho hum.

TWW 2 - Day 14 confuzzled

Firstly, I got the days wrong on the last two posts so have edited them.  I think that's right now.  This makes today day 15 post IUI.  If I had my IUI two weeks ago on a Wednesday and today is Wednesday, then that's right.

This makes my current situation with what is coming out of my vagina even more confusing.  According to what I got from the clinic, my period is due tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a 28 day cycle.  Now it is not uncommon for me to get some light colored discharge right before my period.  On the other hand, my cycle has really not been 28 days in the past 7 months.  Only once did it come in 28 days and is usually 30.  So this would be very early.

This morning there was some pinkish mucus looking tinge on the toilet wipe but no discernible period blood.  I put on a pad and have gone about my morning.  Toilet break at almost noon and the wipe is clear.

On the other hand, pregnancy test this morning, which is supposedly sensitive to 10mIU (which should mean an early detection) was negative.  All my tests so far have been negative.

So is it my period or is it not my period?!

I meant to use one of the tests the clinic gave me instead of the Ebay ones this morning but I forgot.  Tomorrow morning I will remember.  This is horrible.

TWW 2 - Day 11 so far negative

I know it's still early and the chance of false negatives is still around 30%.  However, it is more unlikely at this point that this cycle has been successful.  I will continue to test daily up until when the clinic said to (still five days away).  I'm starting to feel a bit disappointed.  On the other hand, if this cycle has really been usuccessful I'm actually sort of looking forward to moving on to IVF as it will give a much better picture about what's going on.  For example, if none of my eggs fertilize (assuming they get any) then that's information I just don't have now.  To be honest, I've had two IUIs in my entire life.  That means I've tried to get pregnant exactly twice.  Even if I was with a partner and we were going the natural route this wouldn't be shocking, especially at my age.  And is certainly no indication of likely success.  It's just a little bit different when you're paying for every cycle and watching it so carefully I guess.  Anyway, this cycle isn't over yet, so I'll finish it out obviously and then go on from there.

TWW 2 - Day 8 testing testing

Took my first pregnancy test this morning and it was negative.  However, this means pretty much close to nothing.  I'm glad I can start testing, but the likelihood of a useful result is minuscule.  I also went to my GP for my progesterone blood test.  Like last time, it seems my clinic neglected to request the test, so the GP had no record of it.  Luckily I knew what I was there for, and they were happy to do it.  I also asked if there had been anything from the results of the first post IUI progesterone test, and the nurse saw the note in my file that said it was all normal, no further action.  I sort of assume this will be the same.  None of the tests I've been having have flagged up any worrying numbers on anything.  I seem to be healthy and in normal ranges for my age, etc.

Still feeling a bit melancholy about this whole trying business.  It's probably a good thing to get a short break between this cycle and starting IVF (if that is indeed the case).  One month where I don't have to think about it too much.  And where I could have a cheeky drink!

It would be so amazing/exciting/thrilling/terrifying/fantastic/unbelievable if I was pregnant.  I'm just finding that I'm convincing myself that this isn't possible.  I know it's totally possible.  I am not so old.  My numbers are not so bad.  Lots of people just get pregnant naturally and here I am having medical help!  This is completely doable and in that sense, the odds are in my favor.

But it's a crummy process that really just takes a lot out of you.  Worse I think if you are doing it all on your own.  I do have friends I can talk to, but I don't talk to them all the time, and it's not what I want to be talking to them about all the time either.  This is pretty much a solo effort and so it also falls to me to do most of the damage control.

I'll be glad when I know about this cycle for certain.

TWW 2 - Day 7 mulling

Tomorrow morning I can take my first pregnancy test (day 8).  I have no physical indications that I am or may be pregnant.  I know that it's early and many or even most women don't.  I think I am feeling that this cycle can't possibly have worked.  Reading around online, considering my age, I wonder if I've just left it all too late.  Not in the sense that I could have really done anything differently.  I'm just discouraged by the statistics of a woman my age getting pregnant, and carrying to term.  It is also not helpful, as I think I've mentioned before that I'm on an online forum of those trying to conceive to become single mothers.  I see these women posting on their 8th IUI or 4th IVF.  I mean, on the other hand, there are women reporting pregnancies after their first or second IUI or their first IVF.  But then they move on to one of the other boards (about pregnancy for example) leaving the bulk of the commentators women who have so far been unsuccessful. The thing is, on that particular forum, the majority are trying and statistically that means most are not getting pregnant.  So while  it's helpful to have camaraderie, it can also be discouraging.  And of course as discussed in the previous post, even though I can take a pregnancy test tomorrow, it's really very early and not a good indicator.  I'm so close to knowing.... I'm only just speculating.  I don't know why the final bit of waiting this time seems to be the hardest!!

TWW 2 - Day 5

Waiting waiting waiting waiting.  It's so annoying.  I'm still thinking about it a lot, but maybe not quite as much as the first time.  I think maybe that's because I feel like it won't work.  This is of course tempered by my wondering if any small feeling in my uterus area might be a sign that something is working.  But overall, I think I've mostly convinced myself that I won't get pregnant this time.  Which will of course make it all the more shocking if it turns out I am.  Only three more days before I can start early testing.  Although of course on day 8 there is a 67% chance of a false negative, so it's not at all a good sign.  But it's the first day that I feel I can start testing on.  Then one a day until the day I'm supposed to.  By day 10 for example, the chance of a false negative drops to 33%.  I just find it helpful to feel like I can be doing something. 

I also need to remember to go to the GP on Thursday for a progesterone test.  I'm not entirely sure why I need to get this test for an IUI.  I'm not even sure anyone looked at it the first cycle.  At least at my GP they mostly manage to get my blood out on the first try.  I think I may have sorted out part of the reason for the problem at the clinic though.  I usually cycle to the clinic and when I cycle for more than 15 minutes, I tend to lose circulation in my hands (my fingers go numb).  So I wonder if this isn't related to why they have trouble getting blood out there.  Not that there's much I can do about it!

Anyway.  I don't have much to say here at the moment.  Just getting on with normal life things trying not to think about if I might be pregnant while I wait for the day I can start testing.

TWW 2 - Day 1

So I managed to trigger with the Pregnyl when I got home on Tuesday, around 6:15pm or so.  The Pregnyl is really fussy and annoying.  This time I managed to break open the glass vials without crushing them which was good.  But then I think a tiny splash of water came out when I snapped off the top of the water bottle.  Then, when I was priming the needle a tiny bubble of fluid came out and fell on the floor.  So I was feeling stressed when I finally managed to inject, only to do it in a funny way that's left a dark point bruise on my belly.

Having done some more reading around the internet, it seems that having two follicles (or three, or even sometimes four) is not at all unusual for an IUI so I think my odds are still 6% (or 11% if you consider both cycles).  I was a little disappointed by that, but I'm still happy that I had two good sized follicles for this cycle because that's got to be better than one!

On Wednesday my morning meetings went late so I only had 20 minutes for lunch and to turn myself around before the taxi came to take me to the clinic.  It's a small indulgence I have to take a taxi to the clinic but the alternative would be to cycle and I don't really want to cycle around the procedure.  In the grand scheme of things, the £14 return is really not an issue.

My procedure was a little bit late because the doctor had to come from the main hospital to the clinic.  Once she arrived it was all very quick and straightforward like the first time.  I was the only patient there.  I changed in the recovery area in my own little cubicle, then when the doctor arrived and all was ready, I walked with the nurse to the procedure room.  It was a little bit different from last time because there was no trainee doctor.  So the regular doctor did the procedure and this meant there wasn't any ultrasound.  I asked her about this afterwards, she said that because embryo transfer is similar to IUI, they would have used the ultrasound to watch the placement of the tube during the IUI for training, but it wasn't necessary.  It also wasn't necessary to scan my ovary to see if the follicles had released she said.  Basically, with IUI, it's a less precise procedure.  There's really nothing they can do other than the insemination at that point.  The ultrasound won't tell you anything and would potentially only be stressful if you didn't see that the follicles had disappeared or released.  So fair enough.

The way the IUI works at my clinic is the doctor gets you all prepped with the tube through the cervix, then the nurse knocks on the window to the embryologist's lab and he hands over the sperm through the window after confirming who you are.  I also have an ID card that I insert into a scanner that I think registers in the embryology lab as well.  At any rate, I had a chat with the embryologist as well with my legs all up in the stirrups.  I asked about the sperm motility since I didn't the first time.  I think he said it was 36 or 37 which was well over the 25 guaranteed by the clinic, so that was good.

The sperm got connected, inserted, the tube was removed and all was done!  They said I could lie there for a bit if I wanted or get up.  I decided to lie there for a bit but asked the doctor some more questions while I did so it ended up being useful.  While obviously I really want this cycle to work, I'm realistic that it may not so I asked the doctor about moving on to IVF.  She explained that I'd need to come in for additional consultation and that there's a lot more HFEA paperwork that needs to be filled out for IVF.  So I wouldn't be able to start an IVF cycle next month, it would have to be the month after.  But that's okay.  April is actually a very busy month for me so it would potentially be difficult to schedule scans around my work commitments.  Again, I obviously hope it doesn't come to that, but I guess I'm more of a realist than an optimist.

So now the two week wait begins again.  I've scheduled my progesterone blood test with my GP for next Thursday.  The clinic also gave me two pregnancy tests and the date to take them on.  I'll probably do the same thing as last time and start with my Ebay ones until the day I'm supposed to take them according to the clinic.  But maybe I'll use the extra one they gave me for the day before.

IUI 2 - Day 12 trigger and GRUMP

The clinic called today at 2pm to tell me that my IUI is scheduled for 2:15pm tomorrow. Of course this conflicts with meetings and would have been much better to have this information earlier, but what can I do? Of course I have to jump when fingers are snapped. Grump.

In addition, the nurse on the phone says to me, 'Take the trigger any time from now'. Wait. What?? What the fuck?! If I'd known they wanted me to do that, I could have brought the Pregnyl with me to work. But they didn't say that. Now I don't have it with me, I feel like I'm 'late'. And also, this is a completely different protocol/timing to the first IUI. The first time, my procedure was at the same time (2pmish) and they told me to trigger between 6-7pm. So what's up with the 'any time from now' bullshit??? I'm trying to think calm and happy thoughts, and console myself with the knowledge that for IUI the timing matters a whole lot less than IVF but I'm frustrated.

I really like my clinic in terms of the people there and my interactions with them. But I do not like getting mixed messages or added stress or just not simply being able to schedule more than 24 hours in advance. This process is stressful. And you really just do not need any extra stress on top of it.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I have hopefully two lovely follicles and possibly a third. Everything looks good, and my appointment is scheduled..... happy thoughts happy thoughts.

IUI 2 - Day 11 scan 3 and procedure scheduled

This morning I had my third scan. It looks like I have two follicles growing and a third a bit behind. So apparently I'm responding well to treatment this month. The largest of the two main follicles was 16mm (the other was 15mm and the third was 11mm) and they usually want it at 18mm to trigger. So I'm going to trigger tomorrow with my procedure sometime on Wednesday. I say 'sometime' because the clinic has been unable to give me a precise time for it which is only a little bit problematic with work scheduling, etc. Tomorrow would have actually been much easier in some ways. Anyway, we'll see. I'm a tiny bit frustrated with my clinic because they seem to be overstretched sometimes. I think this is probably because it is also the NHS clinic for the Cambridge area. In fact, it's pretty much the only fertility clinic in the city. This isn't terrible because on a whole, I think it's an excellent clinic with good results and friendly staff. However, there's clearly some sort of issue with having enough staff or the scheduling that it ends up being stressful. Of course this process is stressful enough without wondering when your next appointment is going to be, or if they're going to forget that you are supposed to have an appointment! I'm sure this wouldn't happened, and so far hasn't happened, but like I said it adds a level of extra stress during what is already a stressful time. On the plus side, the clinic is relatively easy to get to. Cambridge is a pretty small place. The clinic is what- about 1.5-2 miles from here? And it's literally straight down the same road I work on, so pretty convenient by bicycle or by taxi. I haven't even looked at buses yet because I generally hate dealing with the buses in Cambridge, but I bet there's one that goes that way as well. Anyway. One more Gonal F tonight and then Pregnyl some time tomorrow. Interestingly when I was talking to the nurse who did my scan this morning, she was saying that for IUI the timing is less important than for IVF which makes sense. So I feel less stressed about the timing issue given that it's IUI. On the other hand, if this cycle doesn't work and I move on to IVF, this scheduling malarkey really can't continue like this or I'll be extra stressed!

IUI2 - Day 10 moody

I seem to have come down with a malaise. I'm feeling quite moody and this has me questioning my decisions. Well, not really questioning my decisions in a virulent way. But more questioning everything. Is this the right path? Will I be a good mom? Am I crazy for trying this? The unknown is a scary place. This is why people often stick with the devil they know. I'm no different. I've certainly spent large portions of my life on 'the comfortable path'. But I've also jumped into the complete unknown on more than one occasion. Usually guided by clarity of purpose. Because that tends to override any lingering doubts or fears. I guess in some ways that's how this is for me. I feel very certain that pursuing single motherhood is the right decision. But perhaps because it's a timely process with no guarantees, it leaves me a bit more time than usual to think about it. In the past the major life decision upheavals I've made have been on a much shorter timescale (although no less disruptive). Moving to another city? Moving to another country? Deciding which graduate schools to go to? Undertaking a PhD? I know that I will adapt to whatever my new situation is. But I guess sometimes, when I'm feeling discouraged and scared, it all seems a bit overwhelming. How will I cope? What if I hate being a mother? Part of it is also the fear of doing it all alone. Who will I turn to? Who can I rely on? I know that I will have help from various sources- both family and friends. But ultimately it's just going to be me. I'm scared I'm not ready. I'm scared it will happen. I'm scared it won't happen. I have no idea if this is related to the low dose of hormones (Gonal F) I've been injecting now for 2 months. It's certainly not PMS- it's the wrong time. I think part of this is also about the boyfriend. He was over yesterday/last night. And that was all fine. But we don't really talk about the baby plan because it causes upset. He did watch me inject. He just doesn't ask any questions and I stick to keeping him informed of the basics. I don't feel like I can talk about my emotions with him without him thinking about how it affects him. If I say I'm scared of doing it alone, he could turn around and say that I am rejecting him as a person to do it with. To be fair, I'm not at all sure he would say that at all, but it's probably what keeps me from talking to him about it. It highlights that I'm doing it separate from him which I know is a point of upset for him. So I just don't. I think also living here in Cambridge.... it's not where my good friends are. The problem is, my closest friends aren't in any one place anymore. There's a couple in London, a couple in Manchester, one is in South Africa, one is moving to Australia at the end of this month, one is in Sheffield, one is in Norfolk, some are in New York. My village is global. Which is great for other reasons. But right now, living here, in a city which isn't my first choice, it feels lonely. I don't have a large base of friends here. The friends I do have are not so close that I want to have an emotional dump with them. Meh. I'm just feeling blah at the moment. I'm sure it will pass. In the meantime, scan tomorrow morning and this will hopefully determine when the trigger is. This IUI cycle seems to have gone incredibly fast. Shame that the two week wait won't, I'm sure!

IUI 2 - Day 8 Scan 2

Had my second scan this morning. It looks like there are two follicles growing- one was 12mm and the other was 11. There were a bunch more that were much smaller. I don't think I mentioned that when I had my scan on Monday there were about 12 follicles as opposed to the first IUI cycle when there were about 6 or 7. So I'm intrigued that I might have two growing for this IUI cycle. I really do not want multiples, but given the high chances of chromosomal abnormalities in eggs of women my age, having 2 eggs would be pretty cool. I go back for a third scan on Monday and I suspect that I will trigger either Monday or Tuesday nights with the IUI on Tuesday or Wednesday. Until then, it's 75 of Gonal-F every night. The nurse who did my scan was very positive. I don't think they're just blowing smoke up my ass, I mean, what would be the point? But she said that my numbers looked great and the ovary looked great and was overall, very positive. We talked a bit about my fertility and she was enthusiastic that I was following a good protocol given where all of my numbers were at. So that made me feel good. I tell you what, it's funny how much quicker the stimulating goes than the two week wait!! In other news, it took them 4 tries to get blood out of me which was a little bit annoying. For some reason the nurses at the clinic are struggling with my veins. My GP doesn't have as much trouble and usually gets it on the first try but at the clinic it's always at least 2 tries and sometimes more. Today they ended up taking it out of the back of my hand (tried there twice!). The nurse who did the scan said that if my scan on Monday looked good and my blood today looked good, then they wouldn't need to take blood again on Monday because all of my results so far have been completely normal and fine and so there's no reason to think it wouldn't be on Monday. They can just make a determination based on the scan. So that's good. Yesterday I had a chance to hold my friend's 8-week old baby. We were in a coffee shop and there was another couple with a 5-week old baby! They're so little!! Although the 8-week old was noticeably bigger than the 5-week old. They do grow fast. It's hard to imagine that I might end up with one of those - even though it's the goal. It's impossible to think that far ahead in the process. Right now all I can think about are follicles and scans. Then it will be the IUI procedure and then the long two week wait with the hope of seeing some faint line appear on a stick. Actual babies just seem so far removed from the now.

IUI 2 - Day 6 Budget update

Just a quick one to update the budget since I've paid for this IUI cycle.  Apparently my clinic says the price is the same if you get one Pregnyl or two which made no sense to me.  But, whatever.  I guess I should have asked for 2 then since I paid the same!  But never mind.  Last night I was out to a concert so I had to do my injection in the restaurant toilet.  Good thing my clinic gave me a handy little carry bag with a sharps-tube for used needles to later dispose in the correct bin.  It came in handy!

Previous total	£5472
IUI Inclusive Fee	£638
900 Gonal-F + 1 Pregnyl	£380
New total	£6490

IUI 2 - Day 5

Got the call from the clinic late yesterday that my blood results were good so I was all set to start injecting for cycle 2.  Yesterday and tonight I do 150 Gonal F and then it drops to 75.  My next scan is Friday.  Like last time, I suspect the trigger will be Monday.  In fact, I think I'm on the same basic schedule?

The one thing that's driving me nuts is that I'm still sick.  The flu I had a couple of weeks ago has settled into some sort of head/sinus infection.  My ears are blocked, I'm blowing out fluorescent snot and I'm coughing a lot.  This is all bad timing and I don't know how this low-grade illness effects my fertility chances.  I'm sure it's not helping.

I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow afternoon which conflicts with something in my diary which is frustrating.  I need to see if I can get that changed and then work from home the rest of the afternoon.  It should be okay.  Just a stressful period which is not helped by this never ending illness.

On the other hand, I'm sure I'm not doing myself any favors by doing all the things I would otherwise want to do which has involved travelling around the country a bit, going to a workshop last night, and going to a concert tonight.

Bleh.

One Cycle Ends, Another Begins

So I took the clinic pregnancy test on Friday and it was negative.  Additionally, my period basically started on the Thursday night, so cycle one was unsuccessful.  On the plus side, with my period not starting until Friday really, this was perfect timing to start the new cycle. 

I called my clinic on Friday morning because they ask you to report the result of the pregnancy test, plus, I wanted to immediately get going on IUI 2.  This would require me to order the drugs so they are ready for me on Monday.  Unfortunately, no one answered the phone at my clinic and I was forced to leave a message detailing the result of the pregnancy test, and my intentions to start cycle 2.  By 3pm, no one had called me back and I was about to go into a 2-hour meeting which meant I couldn't get in touch with them until Monday.  So with 5 minutes to my meeting I managed to get through and schedule a scan for Monday morning.  However, there wasn't enough time to get the drug order sorted.  The nurse indicated I would be able to buy the Gonal-F at the clinic on Monday.  I really hope this is the case and it's not somehow more expensive for the inconvenience.  Because it's not my fault they were too busy to get to their phone messages.

In the meantime, I've recently read It Starts with the Egg which was recommended on some of the forums I'm now frequenting.  It was an interesting read and has made me think about making a few changes to my current routine.  I was already taking conception vitamins but I think I'm going to add some CoQ10 to my routine.  I'm also looking at replacing some of the plastic food storage containers I use with glass to help reduce my exposure to BPA.  I figure that these are things I can do relatively easily, and that are not going to hurt me.  Similar to acupuncture.  There is a lot of discussion online about DHEA and in this instance I would not start taking it without my clinic's approval and probably some testing.

So how am I feeling with one failed cycle?  Disappointed of course.  Although I started to address that as my negative pregnancy tests kept coming in so that the final one wasn't such a shock.  Maybe a little bit panicked based on how much money I have and how long I feel I can realistically give this a try.  I found myself thinking I should go straight to the frozen eggs and stop fucking around.  I'm pretty sure this was a direct response to feeling like it's just not going to work with my current 'old' eggs due to this cycle not working.  But those eggs are not going anywhere and my current eggs could work.  I think I need to try one more IUI as planned, and then one fresh IVF and then see how all that goes.  If the clinic suggests going to the frozen at that point, then fine.  But it won't be a knee-jerk reaction to things not going as desired.

It's entirely possible that this is going to be an expensive year that doesn't result in a baby at all.  But it's far too early in the process to be thinking that way.  One failed IUI which only had a 6% success rate is not the thing to be basing the entire journey on.  And hey, based on my very poor understanding of how to add odds, by doing two IUI, each at a 6% success rate, the chance of one of them working is 12%, so that's a bit more hopeful for the second one, huh?

TWW 1 - Day 15 still negative

With every day and another negative test it seems more and more certain that I am not pregnant this cycle.  According to my clinic, my period should arrive tomorrow.  Although because my cycle is irregular, that would be a bit early for it, but I suppose it's still possible.  They also mentioned that it might be later due to having done the IUI although I'm not sure why that would be the case.   They want me to take their pregnancy test on Friday so I've been saving that one.  The ones I've been taking I got in bulk via Ebay.

I'm ready to go to the next cycle and put this one behind me.  I am of course disappointed it appears to not have worked, but maybe less traumatized than I could have been.  I have been thinking though whether it would be better to do fresh IVF or go straight to my frozen eggs.  The reason to do fresh IVF would be that I'm still producing eggs and to keep the frozen ones as the last resort.  On the other hand, right now all I can think is that I want one baby, so isn't my best chance to use my frozen eggs?

I think I should probably stick to the original plan and this is maybe a way that my disappointment is expressing itself.  Generally in my head I keep thinking that I'm too old to get pregnant with my current eggs.  But this is not a particularly sensible way to think.  One cycle hardly means anything at all.

TWW 1 - Day 11 and two negatives

It's 11 days past IUI and I've taken my second pregnancy test which was also negative. The first I took yesterday. I got some cheap ones off eBay which means I can take one a day and do the one the clinic gave me on the day they said. I don't think this cycle has worked although this is early testing and still possible to get false negatives. A positive would be meaningful at this stage, a negative less so.

But realistically, this cycle is probably a negative. So the next question is when will my period appear to plan for the next one? I wrote previously about the timing issue for this cycle. I think the best thing would be for my period to come late. That will just be easier.

TWW 1 - Day 3

How can it only be day 3?  This is ridiculous.  My brain has scrambled over all of the possible permutations and my emotions are being tossed about like a little dinghy on a rough sea.  What if I am?  What if I'm not?  Of course I'm not.  I'll probably never be.  What if I am?  Repeat.

I've joined a couple of forum/discussion group things which are both helpful and unhelpful.  Unhelpful because I now see a cadre of women pursuing single motherhood; and, because of how the boards are broken down I'm in the 'Trying to Conceive' group.  Once a woman is pregnant, she may move to the pregnancy discussion boards.  This means the women in 'Trying to Conceive' are all, well, trying to conceive.  And that some have been at it for quite some time.  I see women who have had 6 IUI or more and numerous IVF attempts and frozen embryo transfers.  This is perhaps a bit disheartening as I've only had one measly IUI.  Of course those who have moved on may not have as many tries, but they aren't on the boards I'm tending to read at the moment.

Then in reading older posts, I saw someone had posted a link to an article that talks about how after you turn 35, the likelihood of embryos with abnormal chromosomal numbers increased regularly.  So of course since I'm 41 this was also disheartening and made me think that there is simply no chance that this is going to work at all.

But then I was on Facebook and I saw that a number of people I know who are similarly aged to me have babies.  So it's not so unusual among my peer group to be late 30's, early 40's and be having your first child.

As I said, this is only day 3 for fuck's sake.

I'm already trying to determine how it will work to immediately start the next cycle.  According to the clinic, my period is due on the 9th of March (if it's coming).  They want me to take a pregnancy test regardless of bleeding on the 11th of March.  I am unfortunately away from home on the 10th, 11th, and 12th.  This means that it may not be possible for me to arrange a drug delivery in time, or go for my first scan in time to start the next cycle for March.  If my period comes later than the 9th, for example on the 10th or 11th, I could go for a scan on Monday the 14th which will be day 4 or 5 of that cycle.  I could also call in advance so the drugs are delivered to my office on that Monday and be set to inject that evening.  However, if my period starts on the 9th, Monday will be day 6 and I think this is too late for the first scan, although obviously I will check with the clinic.  So I'm hoping that, assuming this cycle has not been successful, my period sticks to it's somewhat longer schedule and comes a bit later in that week and not earlier as I don't really want to delay by a month.  But obviously I will if I have to.

Wouldn't it all be so much easier (for any number of reasons) if this first cycle actually worked?  Wouldn't that be amazing??

But, it probably hasn't.

IUI 1 - Insemination

Here I am at the clinic waiting for my taxi to take me back to work. Is this for real?? Holy shit. I'm back to feeling terrified. But also skeptical, incredulous, in denial, etc.  I'm feeling a lot, but I can't put my finger on any one particular feeling.  Really it's a bit overwhelming and then all of the sudden at the same time it's so overwhelming I can't think about it at all.

I did the trigger last night at 6pm. Managed to not open one of the glass vials very well and it made a bit of a mess as when the top came off it crushed.  But it was okay.  I started to get a bit freaked out about the timing of the trigger versus the timing of the insemination today as they were scheduled for 20 hours apart.  On the internet, which you should never read for medical advice, there are so many women freaking out about the timing of these two things.  Basically the trigger starts the ovulation process, but it takes time.  Both the egg and sperm have certain lifespans and ideally you want those things to match up.  When I did egg freezing, the procedure was 35 hours after the trigger (I think) so this sort of freaked me out and I went for the earliest time they told me.  However, I asked the doctor about this at the procedure and she was extremely reassuring about success rates of 20 hour versus 35 hour (which is to say, they're basically the same) and that they believe they don't want to miss the egg window so better to go early.  Fine by me.

Anyway, I took a taxi to the clinic from work. They told me to be here at 1:45 and of course I was early. But they were running late. So I didn't go in until probably 2:15. No one else was in the recovery room and I had a cubicle to myself.  Jeans and underwear came off and a hospital robe went on the front.  I got to hold it together at the back which is always fun. The doctor and trainee doctor came in and explained the procedure. I think it took longer to explain then do!

We went into the procedure room and I got on the table. The lead doctor had an ultrasound on my tummy to watch the procedure and try to see the ovary. She couldn't see the follicle, which could mean it already started to release, or she just couldn't see it from that angle. The trainee doctor put in the speculum and cleaned the womb entrance with sterile water. A tiny catheter was put into the womb and then the embryologist passes over the prepared sperm. This was connected to the catheter, injected, and all was done!  The catheter was so tiny I didn't have any cramping at all.  Not like the Hycosi at all.  In fact, I didn't even know the catheter was inserted.

Now the waiting begins.  Since the egg may or may not be released yet, there is still some time (say, 24 hours) for it even to become fertilized.  Then it takes some time to properly implant.  I need a progesterone test in a week to verify l ovulated, although I can't imagine I didn't.  Then they gave me a home pregnancy test to take on the 11th of March.  This is actually a bit more than 2 weeks which sort of sucks.  I'm sure the waiting is going to be emotionally taxing.

But really, as the doctor said, that's all there is to it. She made an effort to express to me that there is pretty much nothing I can do at this point that will change the outcome.  She said, if I have a doubt about something, I shouldn't do it.  But not because it will make a difference, but more because it will make a difference to how I feel and my stress levels.  She said to keep taking vitamins and wait.

So that's pretty much all I can do....

In the meantime, assuming this cycle doesn't work, I asked about when I could order the drugs for the next cycle.  They said to call on the first day of my period if it starts and hopefully I could get the drugs and come in for a scan on day 4.  So.... obviously there's a much greater likelihood that this will be the case as opposed to the alternative.