1y7m : Somethings gotta give (Part 2?)

I'm sure I wrote about a similar topic before. Your life simply can't stay the same after a child. The first thing I noticed was my eating habits and ability to keep my already messy house in any sort of order. So the first thing that was very obvious to me was that.

But it's been a while now and as everything else settles into a day to day routine of regular life, I notice the next thing that's gone by the wayside is my ability to keep up with friends. I think about my friends a lot. But I don't drop them texts or have a chat like I used to. It's not even that most of my friends are local. Maybe that's part of the problem. I already have to use various technologies to keep up with them. I'm not going to see them by accident.

And I have to say, my friends have, in general, been great about keeping up with me, with one or two glaring exceptions which are another story entirely.  But even that has a limit. I noticed more recently that I haven't heard from people who made an effort to keep in touch with me, and I have to admit with some chagrin that I have not been good at keeping up with them either.  The burden can't be entirely theirs.

But it's hard! When it's the morning, or the immediate evening after work, my life is all about MJ. Her new toddler status means she can be particularly volatile and challenging to get changed, get fed, and get out the door. I can't sit idly by and hope she gets things done. I have to do everything for her. That's fine, but there's little time there to communicate with others.

After she goes to bed, I have to feed myself (generally) and I have about an hour to myself. Now, I could spend that hour texting all my friends far away, or I could sit on my sofa and watch the next episode of Jessica Jones (or whatever else I happen to be watching). And then it's time for bed. Get up and repeat.

It's not that I'm unhappy, but I think I'm being a shitty friend. My friends are great, and I don't want them to drift because I'm being an asshole.  And at some point when MJ is older, I will have more time to reach out to others. If I don't nurture those relationships, those friends may be gone.

So really I know what I need to do- I need to make more of an effort, even if it's just to cycle through my far away friends on a rota and send them a 'What's up?' message occasionally.  Because currently that's slipping. In the long run, I don't think it's a good idea. And in the short run, I could inadvertently be messing up some great friendships.

1y1m27d : Single parenting thoughts - finances

I am a single mother. My daughter has one parent, me. And of course this comes with certain special issues that 2-parent families don't have to deal with. But most of the time, I don't feel any different from any other parent. In fact, I often think things are easier that it's ONLY me and my daughter and I'm not having to deal with another person in our family.

People sometimes say things like, "I don't know how you do it!" or, "You're so strong!". Really? Because I'm just living my life and I happen to be raising a tiny human. Sometimes I think that because I had a child when I was older, and that I was as prepared as I could be, particularly, although not exclusively, financially, that it's just a bit easier for me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an academic. I do not make a lot of money. I'm solidly middle class with an income that is nowhere remotely close to six figures. But I had savings; and, I was lucky that trying to conceive didn't eat it all up.  I also don't spend as much as I once did on things like eating out, or gig tickets, or travel, because it's that much harder with a  young child. And I've never been much into clothes - I do buy clothes but I tend to wait for sales, or indulge in my eBay addiction for used stuff which is much, much cheaper.

And to be honest, raising MJ at this point in time isn't horrifically expensive (once you account for nursery, which IS horrifically expensive, but I've got that covered). The investment in cloth diapers was a bit of an outlay, but now I don't buy diapers, so I think that works out better in the long run (and, of course, I got a bunch off eBay so they were lower cost).  It means I have a bit of spending money for small indulgences- books and toys which mostly are pretty cheap. And I also get most of her stuff (like clothes) off eBay because it's ridiculous how expensive new kids clothes are and how very little they've been worn. It means I can pay for things like our WaterBabies class and not think twice about it when other moms I know say things like, "Oh, but that's very expensive isn't it?". I mean, I guess? But what else am I spending money on?

So would life be easier with two incomes? Maybe? But we'd need more stuff, more space, more food, etc. There are certain things that would be easier with another parent- like I could go do something and have 'free' childcare. But I do sort of have this because boyfriend will watch MJ if there's something I really need to do.  In the same way that many single parents have extended family who can help them out. I do know some single parents who are entirely on their own, but many have a village, or build a village that can support them. It's not the same as a partner who has an actual responsibility to the child, but a good network goes a long way. And if my village can't watch MJ, then I just have to pay for a sitter. It's not cheap (£10/hour) so I don't do it very often at all, but if I HAD to do it, I would do it and it's an option to me. It's not impossible, it's just money.

And let's face it, I knew that having a child would entirely shift my life, and my habits would change. I guess I'm just happy that overall, we're not struggling or anything. We're not rolling in it, but we're fine. We can have nice things (some gently used) and we can go on holidays and have nice food and swim lessons. What else do we need really? I guess because I don't know any different- that I've been on my own for so long, that I planned for having a child, and was financially ready to change my habits, that it's generally all worked out fine. Maybe I'd be amazed at how much more spending power I'd have if I had a partner? But somehow I don't think so. And anyway, it doesn't matter, because we're all good!

36w1d - baby belly bump

I'm 36w1d today, which is really nearing the end. On the one hand I feel like I've been pregnant forever, on the other hand, it all feels so quick. I think this is what happens as you get older anyway, but it doesn't change the strangeness.

Lately I've been thinking about, or trying to understand, that there is a real baby inside that belly of mine. I see pushing and movement, but what I see is a big skin balloon. I don't see 'a baby' and yet, at 36w there is a baby, pretty much completely formed and almost certainly capable of survival. But I just see a bump! I never had a 3d/4d scan of the baby so I don't have a particular impression of her physicality. Looking at regular scans is fine, but it's not a three dimensional baby you are looking at. I feel I'm getting more excited (and nervous) about her getting here.

I'm also at work for less than 2 weeks now. Handing over to my cover which has been great to have a 3 week overlap. Strange to think how easily I can be replaced! But actually work stuff is all good for me right now, as I will come back to a slightly different role doing something more in keeping with my background and expertise. So actually, work is really exciting, it's just strange to be leaving for a while. But I'll be very busy with other things!!

Also hard to believe my mother is going to be here in almost a month. This is an ongoing tension as my mother means very well and her heart is in the right place but she questions everything that I want or do. I keep telling her that I don't really feel the need to justify every decision to her and that it's insulting to me. But she keeps doing it. I think she also feels on some level she needs to put me down in order to make herself seem more needed, which is completely unnecessary. So I'm nervous about the help she is going to be giving me- if it's actually going to be helpful or if I'm going to want to kill her. Only time will tell.

I think the other thing about my mom coming is that she acts as if I'm all alone in the world with no one to help me other than her. As if my single parent journey isolates me in some way as opposed to being something I've been thinking about and actively planning for years. I have a good network around me to support me, and I'm also happy to pay people (like my doula) to support me post-natal. Not to mention the boyfriend, other friends, etc. But to my mother, every time I talk to her I have no one and nothing to help me (other than her). Again, it's frustrating, but we'll get through it. And I know I have my village/network so it's really more her issue than mine.

I need to get some more pictures of these final weeks! I really just can't imagine that soon she's going to be here and it's all going to be different. Eep!!!

19w1d - Productive

I had a four-day break up to Manchester this past weekend where I got to see two lovely friends of mine who are both already mothers. It was lovely to see them in general, but it was also great to talk about pregnancy related things; to get advice and stories of first hand experiences. I went shopping with one at the pharmacy where we filled a basket with 'things I'll need straight away' including breast pads, maternity pads, nipple cream, baby butt cream, etc. Sometimes it's very helpful for someone else to say, 'Get this, it works.' where I don't have to get my brain around all the different advice out there. I also went with the other to look at nursing and sleeping bras which was also useful. I think though that I might see if I can find those cheaper when I'm in the States. Although with the drop in the pound, it may not be the case.

I've started wearing some of the maternity clothes I bought which are ridiculously comfortable. I'm starting to show, and maternity clothes seem to make it look worse, but mostly the clothes are still too big as I don't really have a big enough bump to fill them yet. This will change.

I'm still benefiting from various hand-me-downs which is great. I believe I have now scored a newborn car-seat, a bouncy seat, and a highchair. Although the highchair straps are manky and need replacing- but I've called the manufacturer who says they don't have a replacement. They suggested a different harness though so now I need to go to the store and see if that's really feasible or not.

My mother sent me an email last night because she knows a woman who had kids and she sent through a list of her favorite things. Which was fine. However, then my mother continued on to question my choices about what I wanted saying I should use what her friend used. Like I haven't done my research? As though I don't know what I actually want in my house? Or, you know, that I haven't talked to a number (ie, many more than one) of recent parents about all the things they used and put all of the conflicting advice together in my head to sort out what I believe will work best for me? Gr.

I heard back from the first doula I emailed that she would be away during my due date so couldn't offer her services. I've reached out to another that I liked. I have no idea if I'm late or early on the doula search, but I do know it's going to be important to find one I actually like if they're going to be with me in labor. I'm sure I'll find one I like eventually.

One week to my anatomy scan! Looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've seen baby girl, and it will be exciting to see all the bits of her!

17w6d - Popping out

I've been running about and procrastinating less, so less time to catch up. Also, not entirely sure what to catch up on. Pregnancy in the second trimester is so far mostly uneventful. I generally feel fine. Time seems to be a bit slow (it seemed to go so fast to get to 10 weeks, the next 10 not so fast). The biggest news I probably have is that people who know me are 'noticing' the change in my shape. I'm definitely getting the rounded quality that is definitely pregnant and not just fat. I think this is because everything pushes up which rounds out your top bit (say, between the belly button and ribs). It's actually strange for me to 'look' pregnant, like, I keep shocking myself when I see myself in a mirror. I get a bit weirded out though as some women on the pregnancy board ahead of mine say they are only just showing or only haven't put on any weight. Really? Because I think I'm feeling fairly normal, but that makes me feel a bit like a pig.

I haven't weighed myself for a week or two. I'm sure I've put on a couple of pounds but I don't otherwise feel like I've gained too much. My midwife doesn't weigh me which I think is interesting. In fact she just asked my weight at the first meeting we had.  I know in the states a doctor would weigh you every time, and be providing commentary.

In my social network, my mother continues to irritate me by being manipulative and difficult regarding 'what I need' for new baby. This really amounts to what she wants, not what I need. She doesn't ask me what I want or need, makes assumptions, and then gets either grumpy or manipulative to try and get her way if I disagree. My 'best friend' is still not talking to me because I'm pregnant and she can't handle it; which I continue to try to be sensitive to, but actually doesn't change how much her actions hurts me. On the other hand, I've had a very positive talk with a friend about the possibility of them being the legal guardians for my daughter if something were to happen to me. I've also had friends spontaneously offer to throw me a baby shower which was unexpected and very sweet. In fairness the love and positivity I get from my non-frustrating friends & family far outweighs the bad stuff. I should try to focus on that more and on the irritants less.

Anything else of note? In no particular order... With the growing belly comes a more regular feeling of 'fullness' which isn't entirely enjoyable. I know it will only get worse, I'm just waiting for my senses to adapt to the new normal and stop making it feel mildly uncomfortable. The prune project seems to be working, and constipation is not nearly so bad. I've been thinking about starting some letters to my daughter, that I could compile into a little book or something to give her when she's older. Is that tacky? My next scan (the anatomy scan) is in 2 weeks, meeting with obstetrician is in 4, then I go to the States and my next midwife appointment is when I come back. Right now that seems like forever away.

16w4d - Loss of Plan-A pangs

I don't think very many women set out to be a single mother in life. I believe that most women arrive at the conclusion that being a single mother is an acceptable route to a desired goal when the traditional route to that desired goal fails to materialize, typically by some particular age. Most of the time it doesn't even occur to me that this is unusual or different. This is because I have firstly, thought about it for an exceptionally long time; which has given me time to get used to the idea and have it become my normal. And secondly, because I am on forums and frequent places with many other single mothers all doing the same thing which also helps to normalize my choice. And I do appreciate the voices of those women, although many very different to me in their outlook, beliefs, and person-hood; yet we all share this one thing and it's just... normal.

But sometimes, occasionally, I have worries and doubts - about doing this alone, about being alone. How I think I can only afford (both emotionally and financially) to care for a single child and so I worry about the sort of life I am going to give to my daughter. Sometimes when checking in to social media, I see past lovers with their new partners and I feel a twinge of sorrow for what wasn't. That they found with someone else what they didn't find with me. I admit, it makes me feel a bit sorry for myself. I then progress these thoughts and think of me, the sad spinster with her only daughter. What am I doing??

And then those thoughts pass, and I tell my other self to snap out of it and stop being ridiculous! I have worked very hard to achieve the life I now lead. I don't regret for one instant the personal challenges and growth I have been through to come to a position where my life fulfillment is not dependent on another human being, even baby daughter. I believe this is a healthy reality for me, one that I have embraced, and that has made me into a satisfied adult. But it doesn't mean I'm not still human and don't wish sometimes (or mourn the loss of) the fairy tale and prince charming ending. It's impossible to completely break yourself free of your social conditioning, no matter how much growth you've had.

I don't regret my life choices in any way. And overall, I'm a pretty happy person. I couldn't have said that ten years ago at all. I couldn't have said it consistently five years ago. I have worked hard to shape my life into one I enjoy, that I can be proud of, and that fulfills me. For this, I have no regrets. I am however, only human, and sometimes thoughts of the future are scary. What if I've made some terrible mistake? I don't really think life can be a mistake as such- it's more a series of events and choices; and it's how you deal with them that shapes your outlook. Forgive me my moment of navel gazing.

16w - Constipation

It seems uncanny that on almost all of the pregnancy apps and in the books I read, they have started to mention constipation. I'm afraid I'm suffering from it, and it is not fun. I eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, and I've just added two morning prunes to my diet to hope that helps even things out. Yesterday I had to retreat to the bathroom twice for over 15 minutes each time. I work in an open plan office and in a small team. People notice when you disappear. That's all I'm saying. Aside from the general unpleasantness and fear that I'm going to give myself hemorrhoids, or rather, worsen what I already have. I've been looking online for additional remedies I can add to my diet. The one thing they all say is to drink more water which is something of a downfall for me because I've never been able to drink that much water (or drink anything in general, they don't call me the camel for nothing). I've increased my water drinking with the pregnancy, but I still probably drink less than  your average person. So I'm going to work on that as well. Blah.

Midwife appointment yesterday went well. My blood pressure is very good. Better in fact, then when I was not pregnant. I asked if it's normal for your blood pressure to drop during pregnancy and the midwife said at this stage yes. Anyway, that's alright. The midwife was annoyed on my behalf that when I went for the 12 week scan they didn't do the Nuchal screening test. Although the NIPT is a more accurate test, it's not a fail-safe and a double check would have been completely reasonable. I was a little bit annoyed at myself for not advocating better at the time. Now it's too late. So I'll just have to rely on the NIPT results alone. We also went through all the results of my blood work that I got done after my first appointment and everything was normal and good. Including my iron, which I was concerned about. I also learned that I am blood type O+. I'm not sure I knew that, although my mom did say she thought I was O something.

My gut area is feeling bloated again, although hard to tell if it's from growing baby girl or from constipation. I mean, the belly is going to keep growing, so these feelings are normal. I'm just not sure what it's from at the moment. In the long run it probably doesn't matter. I'm still wearing my regular clothes however. Maybe not the tightest stuff, but most of it seems fine.

I intermittently feel upset that my best friend has gone back to not talking to me. I can't remember what I've put here about this situation. Suffice to say, she's been trying to get pregnant (for kid #3) at the same time I was trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant, she didn't. She stopped talking to me. Then she started talking to me again a month later, but really it was only because she got pregnant, but then things went wrong and she lost the pregnancy, so now she's not speaking to me again. She's struggled with fertility issues for years, and it's amazing she has the two kids she already has. She's been depressed and probably hasn't slept well for 4 years. So I understand she's not well. But even though I understand that, it doesn't mean that her absence of friendship doesn't hurt me at the same time. It's upsetting. And I have a lot of other friends who are awesome and interested and available so I feel rude for complaining about this one friendship, especially to people who are being so great. So I'm also trying not to talk about it to too many people, but it still upsets me a lot.

15w2d - Family

I've had two very different talks with my parents over the past week.  I try to talk to my parents (individually, they're divorced) once a week or so. Sometimes it works out to every other week. Sometimes longer. My parents are incredibly different people and my relationship with them individually is also very different.

My dad is good with money. By good with money, I also mean he can also be cheap and frustrating and does not live in a way that I agree with by any stretch. But when it comes to saving money and planning for the future financially, his advice is very useful. So I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago asking if I should be looking at life insurance policies. When we spoke on the phone he said no, because he would help support the child if something happened to me, in that all of my inheritance from  him would then be for my daughter. This led on to talking about who might care for my daughter if something happened to me, and how that would work. It was all a very reasonable conversation but did make me think that I should get on top of that before giving birth. My dad pointed out, rightly, that if something happened to me during the birth, I needed plans in place. Of course there is zero reason to think anything so dramatic will happen, but that was sensible advice. It's also important seeing as I have no siblings and both of my parents are old and in my opinion, not capable of caring for a young child (or a child in general at their ages) so it is important and something I need to discuss. I have a couple of very close friends in mind I could speak to about it, so that's the new plan. So that was my discussion with my dad.

My mom and I have a difficult relationship. We don't always get on and there's a lot of underlying animosity on both sides. I find my mother very difficult to deal with, as I'm sure she finds me. It's just how it is. But impending grandchild has raised all sorts of issues that cause me continual stress. For starters, my mother is just inviting herself along to 'be here' for indefinite periods of time without asking. She informed me that she plans to get a one way ticket to the UK and will return when we agree it's a good time. I've stressed to her that I really do not want her here for any more than 6 weeks at a time, and even that seems excessive to me. Especially considering she will want to stay in my (small) house and be on top of me all that time. I know she believes that she will be helpful, but my mother has ideas of what being helpful means and then there is the actuality of what she will do. She thinks being helpful will mean holding the baby whereas what being helpful really means will be cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.. I suggested she may want to not stay with me the whole time but she didn't like that either, again saying 'we can decide at the time' as if having arguments about kicking her out because I don't want her in my house anymore is going to be easier than her just having a place she can go to when it's obvious she needs a)sleep or b) to give me space? I also thought it would be useful to tell her my intentions regarding child guardianship which did not go over well. She clearly assumed that if something happened to me that she would just have the child. Which I can't see. On top of which it would create all sorts of issues of having any relationship with my father (my parents are not cordial) and it would also mean my dad, out of spite, would then not support the child either. So aside from the fact that my mother physically really can't do it, it's not good for any number of other reasons. But she got all shitty with me about it, although eventually seemed to come around to accepting that it's my decision. Just a fucking headache. I wish she would stop assuming things about me and child and ask me what I want or what she can do. She gets overly upset if I disagree with her 'wonderful plans' but she didn't ASK me what I need or want. Because the reality of the situation is it has nothing to do with what I need or want and everything to do with what she wants. As it gets closer to the time, I will put my foot down, and I guess it's good to have these preliminary conversations now as it exposes various things. It's just that every one feels like a battle. Really not fun at all.

14w - Facebook

So I did it. I made the pregnancy announcement. Getting a lot of love from far and wide which is nice. And it is an easy way to tell people. Kind of scary. Does it make it all somehow more real? Or does it just make it more precarious in case something goes wrong?

At any rate, I'm enjoying the global love. It pairs nicely with the birthday love. I swear this is what social media is for.

Oh yeah, in the meantime, at 14w today, I can definitively say this is now the second trimester! Woohoo!

76dpo 13w2d - How to tell

I continue to mull over the idea of doing some sort of pregnancy announcement. My books are varied in when the first trimester ends- end of 12th or 13th week. Tomorrow is officially 13 weeks by fertilization date. My birthday is in a week, so I was debating putting something up then, as I'm expecting a bunch of the standard happy birthday messages on Facebook. I've been telling people in person, but there are a lot of people I know who live in other countries, so this would be an easy way to get the word out. Isn't that what social media is sort of for? I'd like to be able to tell people in person, but I guess it's the next best thing. I haven't come up with any sort of clever way to do it- probably just a picture from the last scan.

It's been a bit weird for me that two good friends of mine, of the same age, who both got pregnant around when I got pregnant have both lost their pregnancies. I was excited that we were all pregnant, and now they are not. I'm feeling as though I am past most of the danger points, although there is always a small risk. A work colleague lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks last year, and I know of someone else who found out their baby had died just a couple of weeks before birth. While I still worry on some level, I am starting to feel ever so cautiously optimistic that this is really happening and I'm going to have a baby. It's hard not to feel guilty that I am still pregnant when they aren't. I mean, not guilty like there's anything wrong, but that I know my pregnancy may hurt them or be hard to deal with which makes me sad.

In other entertaining news, I had to remind my mother that presents for the baby do not equate to birthday presents for me. She was very kind and offered me one of the baby items as a birthday present, but for my birthday- in a week. I suggested to her there were any number of things she could give to me, and that if she wanted to get things for the baby, that was awesome, but it wasn't exactly a present for me. Having talked to her last night, I think she may now look into getting me a pregnancy massage or something like that, which would be very cool. I also suggested a jewelry (for me) that symbolized impending motherhood. A meal voucher. You know, something FOR me? Anyway, it was funny and she took it all in good humor. I'm being usurped by the granddaughter already, and it's still a ways before she gets here!!

In better news, I weighed myself this morning and I seem to be back at a 'normal' weight and not the heavy weight I got last week. I'll check again the next couple of days because my scale can be wonky. However, I was concerned I'd put on too much weight; if the scale was right this morning, I've only put in 2 pounds since the start of the pregnancy as opposed to 7. Which would be much better.

37dpo 7w5d - No Clever Title

Two days post scan and it's still just all a bit surreal.  What things can I say have changed?  My breasts are definitely a bit heavier and more sensitive; and possibly slightly larger.  Last night it was hard to get comfortable in bed, especially if I rolled on to my stomach.  In fact in general my sleep has been more disrupted.  I pee more.  I definitely feel more tired, especially in the evenings.  But otherwise that's it!  My colleague at work who has recently left for maternity leave said her first trimester symptoms really didn't start until week 8.  It's not that I want symptoms, but it's easy to forget that I'm pregnant!  Or at least, not fully believe that I'm pregnant.  Despite the visual evidence.

I've been looking into scheduling a NIPT locally.  I found a local clinic that offers both the Harmony and Serenity tests.  It's very difficult to get information on which test is better or why.  There are a number of other tests available, but these are the two I can do here, so that's better than a trip down to London.  Earlier this year, and following a massive research trial, the NHS decided NIPTs were a good idea to offer to pregnant women.  Unfortunately it's just still not clear that it's been rolled out or that I can get one this way.  I will see my midwife before 10 weeks, which is the earliest I could do a NIPT, so I will make absolutely sure I can't get it for free before paying for it. But I will pay for it, if I have to.  I feel reasonably confident that I would not continue a pregnancy with a known birth defect or serious chromosomal issue.  I realize this is a contentious issue, and it's one I hope I do not have to face. I am thankful however, that such tests exist.

In other news I continue to mull over my network/village and how various members have taken my news.  On the whole, my network is incredibly supportive and wonderful.  I feel very much accepted and supported by those around me (and around me in spirit but living far away!), and that's a wonderful thing.  But there are a couple of close nodes in the network which are not as stable.  The boyfriend and I have yet to talk about the pregnancy in any sort of detail.  In that, he does not ask me any questions. I tell him everything that is happening, and I make comments about the pregnancy, but he doesn't initiate conversations.  Of course I take this as his lack of comfort with the idea, which has been an issue throughout the process.  This may not be correct, and it could be that he feels rejected and so doesn't know what to ask or say as without my inviting him to participate more, he may feel I don't want him to participate more.  At any rate, this is something he and I will have to talk about sooner over later.  The other issue is my 'best friend' who has stopped talking to me since my positive result.  She has been suffering her own fertility issues, and is seriously depressed.  And while I understand to some extent that she finds my news too difficult to deal with, she is also married, wealthy, and already has 2 beautiful children from her horrible multi-year struggles with fertility treatments.  So it's also hard for me to be completely understanding, as to me, she has many things that I would have liked to have had, and is lucky in many ways, despite her struggles.  We live in different countries which makes the distance a bit easier to navigate, but also to perpetuate.  I wonder if I will hear from her again though, and I note with sadness that the longer the time for her to get back in touch, the more hurt, not less, I manage to feel about it.

In other unrelated news, I know pregnancy is counted in trimesters, but it's strange to think that as soon as I am 10 weeks, which is really not far away all things considered, I am 25% through my pregnancy.  That's insane! I know that as I've gotten older, time goes by faster and faster.  But it's crazy to think I can be almost 25% through something that I don't even barely feel yet and that very soon in the grand scheme of things, I will hopefully be a mother!! I know there is a long way (in some ways) to go between now and then, but in other ways, it's really no time at all.

26dpo 6w1d - Appointments

I saw my GP this morning.  It was a relatively short appointment but now I'm properly 'in the system'. There isn't much for the GP to do- apparently with the NHS most of your care is through midwife appointments; and there are about 10 throughout your pregnancy he said. So I made my first appointment for the 12th as that was the earliest that would work.  Perhaps a week later than desired. I also received a 'pregnancy' pack which I haven't had a chance to look through properly but is sponsored by Bounty so there are some branded things in it.  I glanced inside and saw a sample pack of pregnancy vitamins so that's cool as those are pricey.  I ordered some extra folic acid for the next couple of months, although it's in the multivitamin, I'm overweight so not bad to take more.  The GP took my blood pressure which was fine.  The lower number runs towards the high end but I think it was 124/85 so that's within normal.

I told my GP the results of my hCG blood tests and he mentioned that the numbers were on the low side but of course early.  Which of course made me twinge with worry.  The numbers doubled- which is what they say is more important than the actual number.  And yes, they were low in the sense that it was 14dpo and 16dpo.  I am consoled that my pregnancy tests got progressively darker and stronger meaning hCG was rising.  But anyway, blah.

Today I'm feeling twinges in the gut/tummy/uterus region and of course I'm trying not to worry about it or think about it too much.  I want everything to go smoothly, obviously, but I am also unable not to worry that it won't.  On the forum that I frequent there appears to always be at least 2 women who miscarry within each 3 month group.  So it's a rather gruesome game of Russian roulette.  Of course none of us may miscarry- which would be awesome of course.  But looking through the history of the pregnancy boards, there seems to always be at least 2.  So that's sobering. (Apologies to those of you from the board who may have read this and found it upsetting).

A woman in my three month group posted about her anxiety levels around the pregnancy.  I don't think it's possible to be pregnant and not worry, I guess it's how you process your worrying that makes a difference.  The only thing I can console myself with right now is that there is nothing I can do to change anything.  The future is already written- I just don't know it yet.  Will I miscarry?  Is this ectopic?  Will there be a chromosomal abnormality?  So many things that you could worry about it. But worrying about them doesn't change anything at all.  If bad shit happens, I will deal with it and get through it because I have to.  And I know I can, because I am a strong person and I have a network of friends and family who love me.  I can't change what that future will be.  I just don't know what it is yet.  And that's scary and frustrating and stressful.  But really I need to just be patient and wait.  Take each day, each moment for what it is.  I can't change the future, so I can only be present in the now.  Anyway, that's how I try to get through the stress and worry.  Of course not entirely helpful when  you are second guessing every twinge!

In other news I told my dad last night that I was pregnant.  He hasn't been the most on board with the pregnancy plan but was surprisingly supportive.  Of course he was supportive in the way that my dad is able to be supportive- mainly by indicating how he would be able to provide some financial support to a child of mine.  But hey, financial support is really important.  And for my dad, being able to take care of someone (financially) is how he shows that he loves them.  So that was nice.  This isn't to say that my dad will foot all the baby bills for everything.  In fact, far from it.  But anyway, it was nice to feel supported.

23dpo 5w5d - Finally a letter

So I finally got my letter from obstetrics telling me my first scan is scheduled for the 29th.  That will be 35dpo or 7w3d.  Still almost two weeks away.  At least it's scheduled.  I've also scheduled an appointment with my GP for Monday morning because apparently they arrange all your midwife appointments or some such.  I have no idea.  Healthcare is very different here than in the States and seeing as how I haven't been pregnant in either place, I really have no idea what the general schedule is.  I was talking to a woman in my office who is going on maternity leave today and she said there's a 7 week, 12 week, and 20 week scan, and then the scans are done.  It's also not clear to me yet if the UK has rolled out NIPT testing for all women- they did a big study on it and decided they would roll it out, but it's in process.  So I don't know if I'll get it as standard or if it will be something else I need to seek out independently.

I peed on a stick this morning and the line came  up quickly and dark.  So, hCG still rising!  In fact it came up so quickly that I'm not sure I'll get any stronger readings off them.  I think I have 3 more of the eBay strips left.  I also have 4 First Response tests left which seem wasteful.  Maybe I'll try and pass them off to someone?  Of course everything could go horribly wrong and I may need to start this all over again, so maybe just hold on to them until I'm out of some of the danger zones.

Of course being this early pregnant everything is a worry.  I continue to have small twinges on my left side where my ovary is.  I am of course obsessed with wondering if this could be signalling an ectopic pregnancy.  I don't seem to have any other symptoms, but I don't like occasional twinges in the ovary region.  Of course the scan will help verify what is going on- but that's not for two weeks. So until then I'm just trying to not make a mountain out of molehill and be obsessive about it.  I got a twinge in the other side as well, which of course then made me think it could be an ectopic pregnancy in my Fallopian tube stump that's left from the surgery.  See?  Crazy.

In other news I've had my first offer of baby hand me downs, which is awesome!  There are some things I'm willing to spend money on if I can't find what I want for a reduced price.  But most stuff I'm super happy to take hand me downs for.  Babies go through things so quickly and they are barely used.  It makes total sense!

Not much else going on.  Still haven't heard a word from the friend who dumped on me.  I got a day by day pregnancy book which is kind of fun to read over breakfast.  Still not really having symptoms that I can notice, which is probably just as well.  Still doing my Cycologest/progesterone twice a day at 8am/pm like clockwork.  I set an alarm for the evening one- very helpful.  Still trying to be good about doing yoga or walking daily (as well as cycling to work).  And life goes on!

IVF 1 - Day 25 Sharing

I've started to pass this blog address off to a few people I know.  I'd already shared it with one or two, but now maybe it's five or six.  It's a useful way for me to keep people updated without them having to ask how everything is going, and for me to provide more detail then I may do in a conversation.

Of course there are people I don't want to pass it off to at the moment- mainly my mother and the boyfriend.  Because these are both things I may occasionally want to talk about, which would then make this a restrictive space.

So it's a fine line- who to share with and who not to share with.  Overall I'm a pretty open person, and there's very little in here I wouldn't share with anyone else.

It's interesting because becoming a single mother is by definition a solo process.  But none of us live in isolation.  And realistically, it is those same single mothers who also by definition come to depend on their network or village for support- emotional particularly, but other kinds as well, that they will need.

I know that if I am successful I will need my village.  So why not start now?

In other news there is no news.  Today is technically day 8 past ovulation, so around the earliest I could pee on a stick and maybe start to see anything at all (although still very unlikely even if I'm lucky enough to be pregnant).  But it's incredibly early, and I don't know how that works with a day 6 transfer so I didn't.  Tomorrow though, I might.