IVF 1 - Day 32 9dp6dt 4w4d

After tomorrow which is the 'official' testing day, I'm going to change the heading to reflect days past ovulation (currently 15dpo) and pregnancy weeks for simplicity's sake.  It's good to know both, I think, and I can't keep calling this IVF 1!

Tested positive again this morning.  The good thing about my cheap eBay strips is that they are showing continual progression.  Today was clearer than  yesterday.  I think I will continue to take them to give myself some confidence that my hCG levels are rising since I can't get the blood tests to otherwise show it.  It's actually a fairly useful way to measure an increase, although obviously I can't tell by how much.

Still having a bit of brown spotting.  Not much, mostly watery and only on the toilet paper wipe.  I'm also having a bit of 'tightness' on my right side where my ovary is.  I am of course now worried that it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  On the other hand, without a period to 'reset' the ovary post stimulation, it may still just be recovering from being enlarged.  I'm not sure.  This is something an ultrasound would potentially be able to tell me.  But I don't see how I can get one unless something starts to go really wrong.

I called my clinic today which is a day early to report the positives.  I also called because it said in the take home information sheet that if you have a positive test and spotting you should call immediately. I'm still not overly concerned with the amount of spotting I'm seeing- it's not increasing and is now always brown.  But I thought I'd call them anyway.  They arranged an order for more progesterone/Cyclogest.  They were going to send 3 boxes of 15 and I asked for 4.  I don't think the extra progesterone hurts, and it seems more standard to go to week 9 or 10 from others so I asked for an extra box which should get me to week 9.  It wasn't particularly expensive.  I'll need to update the budget.  I guess I'll keep updating the budget until a baby is hopefully born.  I'm also still waiting for the bill for the assisted hatching and blastocyst freezing.

It's really weird because basically my clinic now releases me to the NHS for care.  I feel like this is very quick and that other clinics in other countries continue with the patient until the first scan and then release them.  This means that other than the progesterone, I've got nothing else to do but wait for a letter containing information about my first scan which should be around week 7-8.  I guess there isn't anything else that I can be doing, because what will be will be, it just seems a rather sudden drop off a cliff. I've been so used to constant appointments and 'hand holding' that now I just feel a bit adrift.

I'm sure this will change though.

I'm also still in the 'I can't believe it' stage.  This is helped by the fact that I'm not feeling anything physically.  First trimester symptoms start to occur when the hCG really surges (and then tapers off) so I'm clearly not there yet.  It's so surreal.

IVF 1 - Day 30 7dp6dt

Still negative this morning.  Still no period.

I found a way to get a beta hCG test privately.  I will plan to go tomorrow which will be 14dpo and which seems the standard test day for everyone else getting fertility treatments not in the UK.  Except mine costs money. However, I think it's worth it just to know for sure.  I still assume it will be negative.  I'm also waiting for the bill from the clinic for the laser assisted hatching and blastocyst freezing which should be around another £1k.  Money is spilling through my fingers like water I tell you!

Budget update:

Previous total	£12588
Private beta hCG blood test	£134
New total	£12722

IVF 1 - Day 29 6dp6dt

Another day, another negative.  I am finding this wait much harder than the IUI wait because I know there was a fertilized embryo there.  With IUI you don't know if the sperm ever met the egg, if it fertilized or what.  But this is different.  And definitely more difficult.

Online reading is unhelpful.  A lot of women get early results, so start to see things as early as 9 days past ovulation (or in my case, 3dp6dt, and the first day I tested).  On the forum I'm on, this was the case for one of the women who started to see positives pretty fast (4dp5dt).  This of course makes me feel particularly negative by comparison.  However, my friend who was once pregnant with twins said she only got a super faint line the day she was supposed to test.  Although I don't know if that was the first day she tested or the first time she got a positive test.  But looking online, it does seem a lot of people still only start to see a positive day 14/15/16 (16 is my official test).  I could also look to the fact that everything about my body seems to go slower than average- longer stimulation time, longer embryo development time.  So maybe longer hCG buildup time?

Still, the waiting is awful.  I'm also not pleased that it's not standard in the UK to do a beta hCG blood test which is apparently completely common in North America for people doing fertility treatments. I can understand not doing it for IUI because the odds are much lower.  But with an embryo transfer, you know that something went in.  Even if it was an add-on, how much would that blood test cost?  I can't believe it would cost very much and I would totally pay for it.  Actually I'm going to see if my GP will let me pay for it.  I have no idea if you can pay your GP to do a blood test they wouldn't usually cover, but again, how much could that possibly be?

I don't know.  My period hasn't arrived either, which would obviously be a big sign.  Although this is day 29, and that would be early for my period.  My last cycle was particularly late I think.  So it's not currently a useful indicator.  It's also not clear if the progesterone/Cyclogest might delay your period. I don't think it delays it indefinitely but it could set it back, so again, not helpful.

For the record, I still think in my heart I'm not pregnant, I would just really like to know something for sure so I can move on from this place.

Now I really wish I'd tested out the trigger shot, just to see if those sticks work.  I could give in to the madness and go buy a better pregnancy test at lunch.  I don't know why I find that a problematic choice when it seems to clearly be what I should go do.

Pre IVF consultation

I had my pre IVF consultation with my clinic this afternoon.  I went there thinking I had a perfectly reasonable plan which has been encouraged both by my egg freezing doctor (way back when) and by the first doctor I saw at this clinic.  This was, mainly, to do a fresh IVF cycle and save my frozen eggs as a last resort.

This plan was immediately questioned by the doctor I met to have my consultation with.  It was the same doctor who did my Hycosi although that was the only time I've met with him previously.  He thought I should be going straight to my frozen eggs as this would give me the best chance of success at this stage.  Now, the reason for not using the frozen eggs straight away was if I am fertile now, that gives me an option for the future, if I want one.  I don't at the moment think I want one.  I think that one child would be all I want.  But I liked the idea of holding something in reserve.  However, the doctor was really surprised and encouraged me to not put my body through IVF when I could use frozen eggs.  So this threw my thinking completely out. I held firm at first, and then as we kept talking I started questioning myself.

In addition to this confusion, he was looking at my file and saying that I needed to attend the 'information session' as a matter of policy.  Now, way back when, when I started treatment they said I had to do the information session.  Then, when I explained I'd done egg freezing and was pretty well versed in the fertility sphere, they said I didn't have to.  But apparently now I do have to.  So I got scheduled in to attend an information session where I strongly doubt I will learn anything new.  In addition to this hoop jumping, he informed me that I also needed a consultation with a counselor about the implications of using donor sperm.  I don't mind meeting with a counselor, but again, I feel fairly well versed in the implications of using donor sperm and am in fact this weekend going to a conference hosted by the DCN - so I will jump through this hoop but it annoyed me.

Anyway, back to the consultation.

So the doctor relented that ultimately it was my decision but it was clear he didn't think I should be doing fresh IVF to start.  He was also saying that a lot of things had to happen to start the cycle so I couldn't just assume I could start with my period in May which stressed me out.  He then saw me getting stressed and tried to convey that staying calm through all this is helpful for getting pregnant. In the meantime, I'm thinking to myself that I understand where he's coming from but he's not being particularly helpful in ensuring that I am calm because he's causing all sorts of disruptions to things that I thought were reasonably fixed!

So as we're discussing it back and forth, and he's making me feel not so great by commenting that if I only got 6,4, and 3 eggs on my egg freezing cycles that my chances for IVF retrieval at this stage were not so great, he mentions that I could consider doing a fresh IVF cycle and also at the same time defrosting half of the frozen eggs to increase my chances of having one or two viable embryos.  Now this sounded better to me.  First, because I can plan to start the IVF cycle in May and now it's really about getting in touch with my London clinic to arrange the transfer of my eggs to Cambridge and having them in place for this to happen.  It also allows me to save half of the frozen eggs for a second try either immediately if this doesn't work, or in the future possibly.  So I think out of the 13 frozen eggs I have, I may suggest they start by defrosting 6 for this cycle.  Those will need to be fertilized with ICSI, and they can be watched alongside anything that may be retrieved from the fresh cycle.

So it's a slightly different plan but one I actually feel reasonably good about.  I am also going to email the embryologist to see what would happen for example, if the 6 don't defrost or fertilize for some reason, would there be time to defrost the other 7 in this cycle (I actually have no idea how long it takes to defrost an egg although I assume not so quickly).  This means I am now waiting for them to price up this option and the drugs costs and then I can order my drugs and schedule a counselling session and attend the information evening and be all set to start my IVF drugs on day 2 of my period.

Phew.

So a good result in the end that I have a plan and it's all systems go.  But really more stressful than it needed to be and a bit of a kick from a doctor who was clearly trying to tell me that he didn't think my odds were so great being over 40.  But anyway, I'll see what I get fresh, and I'll give some of those frozen eggs a chance and we'll see where we get to.

But first I need to call my old clinic and see about getting those eggs transferred to Cambridge.  I'm sure I'll need to sign a release or some such even though I will never actually see these eggs and it will all be done clinic to clnic.  The UK is very strict on fertility issues!  So much paperwork.

Anyway, it seems like more updates will be on the way as the planning progresses.

Cycle 2 ends, a month off

Definitely my period.  The official test was negative, bleeding continues although still a bit oddly albeit steadily.  I need to give my clinic a ring and let them know and schedule the consultation to begin IVF on my next period.  So one month off.  I'm sure it will go quickly.  In the meantime I had a nice glass of wine last night because I could.

I'm sad the IUIs didn't work.  However, I'm sort of looking forward to an IVF cycle as I will then have a lot more information about what's happening.  I suppose we'll see how the cycle goes and if it's a complete bust, perhaps move straight on to the frozen eggs.  Anyway, one thing at a time.  At least now I won't be having a Xmas/New Years baby.  I always think that sort of sucks birthday wise.

So many decisions on this journey seem monumental to make, only to find that the result is a lot of 'stuff' (time, etc) you maybe didn't expect and that certainly slow any sort of real progress.  Or at least not consciously.  It seemed like such a big deal to decide to try, and now getting pregnant seems like an impossible hurdle.  And I've only tried two cycles!!

TWW 2 - Day 15 ugh

I'm pretty sure it's my period.  But a very strange period.  So maybe there was some nonviable action going on in my uterus.  My period hasn't started properly but it's like a start stop bit of smudge, bit of color, then nothing, then something then nothing.  I'm feeling a bit crampy though.  And all tests are negative.  Including the one I took this morning which was a clinic test.  The clinic wants the official test to be tomorrow.  Which is fine.  But I have no reason to think this is anything other than my period.  I will test tomorrow to confirm, and be waiting for my period to arrive properly.  Then it's a month off before starting my first IVF cycle.  Ho hum.

TWW 2 - Day 14 confuzzled

Firstly, I got the days wrong on the last two posts so have edited them.  I think that's right now.  This makes today day 15 post IUI.  If I had my IUI two weeks ago on a Wednesday and today is Wednesday, then that's right.

This makes my current situation with what is coming out of my vagina even more confusing.  According to what I got from the clinic, my period is due tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a 28 day cycle.  Now it is not uncommon for me to get some light colored discharge right before my period.  On the other hand, my cycle has really not been 28 days in the past 7 months.  Only once did it come in 28 days and is usually 30.  So this would be very early.

This morning there was some pinkish mucus looking tinge on the toilet wipe but no discernible period blood.  I put on a pad and have gone about my morning.  Toilet break at almost noon and the wipe is clear.

On the other hand, pregnancy test this morning, which is supposedly sensitive to 10mIU (which should mean an early detection) was negative.  All my tests so far have been negative.

So is it my period or is it not my period?!

I meant to use one of the tests the clinic gave me instead of the Ebay ones this morning but I forgot.  Tomorrow morning I will remember.  This is horrible.

TWW 1 - Day 15 still negative

With every day and another negative test it seems more and more certain that I am not pregnant this cycle.  According to my clinic, my period should arrive tomorrow.  Although because my cycle is irregular, that would be a bit early for it, but I suppose it's still possible.  They also mentioned that it might be later due to having done the IUI although I'm not sure why that would be the case.   They want me to take their pregnancy test on Friday so I've been saving that one.  The ones I've been taking I got in bulk via Ebay.

I'm ready to go to the next cycle and put this one behind me.  I am of course disappointed it appears to not have worked, but maybe less traumatized than I could have been.  I have been thinking though whether it would be better to do fresh IVF or go straight to my frozen eggs.  The reason to do fresh IVF would be that I'm still producing eggs and to keep the frozen ones as the last resort.  On the other hand, right now all I can think is that I want one baby, so isn't my best chance to use my frozen eggs?

I think I should probably stick to the original plan and this is maybe a way that my disappointment is expressing itself.  Generally in my head I keep thinking that I'm too old to get pregnant with my current eggs.  But this is not a particularly sensible way to think.  One cycle hardly means anything at all.

TWW 1 - Day 11 and two negatives

It's 11 days past IUI and I've taken my second pregnancy test which was also negative. The first I took yesterday. I got some cheap ones off eBay which means I can take one a day and do the one the clinic gave me on the day they said. I don't think this cycle has worked although this is early testing and still possible to get false negatives. A positive would be meaningful at this stage, a negative less so.

But realistically, this cycle is probably a negative. So the next question is when will my period appear to plan for the next one? I wrote previously about the timing issue for this cycle. I think the best thing would be for my period to come late. That will just be easier.

TWW 1 - Day 3

How can it only be day 3?  This is ridiculous.  My brain has scrambled over all of the possible permutations and my emotions are being tossed about like a little dinghy on a rough sea.  What if I am?  What if I'm not?  Of course I'm not.  I'll probably never be.  What if I am?  Repeat.

I've joined a couple of forum/discussion group things which are both helpful and unhelpful.  Unhelpful because I now see a cadre of women pursuing single motherhood; and, because of how the boards are broken down I'm in the 'Trying to Conceive' group.  Once a woman is pregnant, she may move to the pregnancy discussion boards.  This means the women in 'Trying to Conceive' are all, well, trying to conceive.  And that some have been at it for quite some time.  I see women who have had 6 IUI or more and numerous IVF attempts and frozen embryo transfers.  This is perhaps a bit disheartening as I've only had one measly IUI.  Of course those who have moved on may not have as many tries, but they aren't on the boards I'm tending to read at the moment.

Then in reading older posts, I saw someone had posted a link to an article that talks about how after you turn 35, the likelihood of embryos with abnormal chromosomal numbers increased regularly.  So of course since I'm 41 this was also disheartening and made me think that there is simply no chance that this is going to work at all.

But then I was on Facebook and I saw that a number of people I know who are similarly aged to me have babies.  So it's not so unusual among my peer group to be late 30's, early 40's and be having your first child.

As I said, this is only day 3 for fuck's sake.

I'm already trying to determine how it will work to immediately start the next cycle.  According to the clinic, my period is due on the 9th of March (if it's coming).  They want me to take a pregnancy test regardless of bleeding on the 11th of March.  I am unfortunately away from home on the 10th, 11th, and 12th.  This means that it may not be possible for me to arrange a drug delivery in time, or go for my first scan in time to start the next cycle for March.  If my period comes later than the 9th, for example on the 10th or 11th, I could go for a scan on Monday the 14th which will be day 4 or 5 of that cycle.  I could also call in advance so the drugs are delivered to my office on that Monday and be set to inject that evening.  However, if my period starts on the 9th, Monday will be day 6 and I think this is too late for the first scan, although obviously I will check with the clinic.  So I'm hoping that, assuming this cycle has not been successful, my period sticks to it's somewhat longer schedule and comes a bit later in that week and not earlier as I don't really want to delay by a month.  But obviously I will if I have to.

Wouldn't it all be so much easier (for any number of reasons) if this first cycle actually worked?  Wouldn't that be amazing??

But, it probably hasn't.

IUI 1 - Insemination

Here I am at the clinic waiting for my taxi to take me back to work. Is this for real?? Holy shit. I'm back to feeling terrified. But also skeptical, incredulous, in denial, etc.  I'm feeling a lot, but I can't put my finger on any one particular feeling.  Really it's a bit overwhelming and then all of the sudden at the same time it's so overwhelming I can't think about it at all.

I did the trigger last night at 6pm. Managed to not open one of the glass vials very well and it made a bit of a mess as when the top came off it crushed.  But it was okay.  I started to get a bit freaked out about the timing of the trigger versus the timing of the insemination today as they were scheduled for 20 hours apart.  On the internet, which you should never read for medical advice, there are so many women freaking out about the timing of these two things.  Basically the trigger starts the ovulation process, but it takes time.  Both the egg and sperm have certain lifespans and ideally you want those things to match up.  When I did egg freezing, the procedure was 35 hours after the trigger (I think) so this sort of freaked me out and I went for the earliest time they told me.  However, I asked the doctor about this at the procedure and she was extremely reassuring about success rates of 20 hour versus 35 hour (which is to say, they're basically the same) and that they believe they don't want to miss the egg window so better to go early.  Fine by me.

Anyway, I took a taxi to the clinic from work. They told me to be here at 1:45 and of course I was early. But they were running late. So I didn't go in until probably 2:15. No one else was in the recovery room and I had a cubicle to myself.  Jeans and underwear came off and a hospital robe went on the front.  I got to hold it together at the back which is always fun. The doctor and trainee doctor came in and explained the procedure. I think it took longer to explain then do!

We went into the procedure room and I got on the table. The lead doctor had an ultrasound on my tummy to watch the procedure and try to see the ovary. She couldn't see the follicle, which could mean it already started to release, or she just couldn't see it from that angle. The trainee doctor put in the speculum and cleaned the womb entrance with sterile water. A tiny catheter was put into the womb and then the embryologist passes over the prepared sperm. This was connected to the catheter, injected, and all was done!  The catheter was so tiny I didn't have any cramping at all.  Not like the Hycosi at all.  In fact, I didn't even know the catheter was inserted.

Now the waiting begins.  Since the egg may or may not be released yet, there is still some time (say, 24 hours) for it even to become fertilized.  Then it takes some time to properly implant.  I need a progesterone test in a week to verify l ovulated, although I can't imagine I didn't.  Then they gave me a home pregnancy test to take on the 11th of March.  This is actually a bit more than 2 weeks which sort of sucks.  I'm sure the waiting is going to be emotionally taxing.

But really, as the doctor said, that's all there is to it. She made an effort to express to me that there is pretty much nothing I can do at this point that will change the outcome.  She said, if I have a doubt about something, I shouldn't do it.  But not because it will make a difference, but more because it will make a difference to how I feel and my stress levels.  She said to keep taking vitamins and wait.

So that's pretty much all I can do....

In the meantime, assuming this cycle doesn't work, I asked about when I could order the drugs for the next cycle.  They said to call on the first day of my period if it starts and hopefully I could get the drugs and come in for a scan on day 4.  So.... obviously there's a much greater likelihood that this will be the case as opposed to the alternative.

Any Day

This morning I thought I might have my period but it was inconclusive.  It took me until about mid-day to need to use the bathroom.  As I went up to the bathroom I started to get nervous.  Then I got more nervous.  Then I started to freak out.  My period has not arrived.  But it should in the next couple of days.  Today is day 28, my cycle is somewhere around 32 but fluctuates.  This response wasn't what I expected from myself.  I considered upon reflection of my shaking hands and shallow breathing that I was actually a little bit terrified.  It's not that I'm having second thoughts about the plan.  And the success rate percentage for me is not particularly good, especially not doing IUI.  But it's still a really big deal.  And it could happen.  And somehow, that was very much frightening as I walked upstairs to use the bathroom.

Upon further reflection as I walked to lunch, I considered that part of the panic also comes from the isolation.  Who do I have to discuss this with, in respect to my fears and hopes and emotional state?  Most people I know, 'know' what I'm doing. But they aren't necessarily the people I want to bend the ear of sounding a bit insane rambling on about my emotions.  I mean, I could.  I probably just don't want to.  Especially not with those friends who have had their own fertility issues and journeys.

I also don't want to call on the boyfriend who had another freak out this past weekend.  He is having trouble accepting that I'm doing this, and how he views it reflects upon him and our relationship.  He doesn't want to leave me, but he's not happy with this either.  I am keeping him updated about what I'm doing, but I don't think he could handle my emotional stress on this issue when he's barely addressing his own.

So anyway, any day!  Things are going to happen.  That will statistically probably result in nothing happening. However, this blog might become a bit of an emotional dumping ground for a while as I process how I'm feeling through this journey.  Which I suppose is sort of what blogs are for.  You've been warned.

Tick Tock

So my period ended up coming particularly early while I was away- I think on 28 days.  So definitely starting this month was a no-go.  However, that means February is looking good and everything is now in place to try.  The donor sperm is at the clinic and I've been delivered my drugs for the first IUI cycle.  This includes a 900iu Gonal F pen and 2 Pregnyl which I've not used before.  It looks like the Pregnyl is an intramuscular injection which may be a challenge on my own but I'll find out more at my first scan which should be on day 1 or 2 of my next period, due mid-Feb.

This week I also had to go to the GP to get my virals retested.  This was HIV and Hepatitis B & C screenings.  Apparently whilst  undergoing treatment these need to be within 3 months current which seems excessive.  I showed up at the GP and they were frankly confused because my tests were in date but no, I had to have those again.  Luckily the GP covered it.  I suppose they could get annoyed if this continues and make me pay for it, I can't imagine it's all that much by comparison.

The drug delivery came via Healthcare at Home which if you were at all a reader of my egg freezing blog you will know has the best pricing around on fertility drugs.  Or at least they did two years ago and I have no particular reason to think this has changed.  So new budget:

Previous total	£4454
900iu Gonal F and 2 Pregnyl	£380
New total	£4834

The drug delivery had to be to work which was a little bit annoying but they didn't have a Saturday delivery slot.  It came in a massive cool box which was all very well packaged.  Pretty much discreetly except it said 'laminarmedica' on the side.  The 'medica' part is somewhat obviously 'medical' and it would certainly be recognizable to someone else going through the same.  In fact there is a woman in my group who has suffered from fertility challenges and I was particularly concerned with upsetting her.  I hope I didn't, and she didn't say.  Hopefully in the future I can get the drugs delivered to home.  Of course there's the possibility I may not need any more drugs, but I honestly don't believe that will happen.  On the other hand, it would be wrong of me not to acknowledge it could happen.

So the next thing is to wait.  When my period arrives, I will call the clinic and they will fit me in for a scan either that day or day 2.  They'll let me know what I should start injecting and when I should come back for the next scan and we'll be set to try the first IUI.  I'll also pay for the IUI on that day so will update the budget accordingly and detail what's included later.

Otherwise I need to get much better at being regular about taking my conception vitamins and I'm looking to get some acupuncture appointments set up as well.  Need to lay off the alcohol and caffeine, not that I have particularly much of either to begin with.  Already on a vague healthy eating kick, mostly due to trying to reduce my meat consumption (although I'm not a vegetarian).  I still find this whole thing a little bit surreal.  While I was away (visiting a dear friend with two small children, 3.5 and 1.5) it was very easy to be excited about this journey and look forward to trying.  Now that I'm back in my life though, it just doesn't seem entirely real.  I have so many other things going on and to do.  Part of me is still excited and hopeful, and then the other part is more cautious and whispers that I may not get pregnant anyway after all the trying.  So I guess I end up not wanting to think about it too much at all lest I get either depressed or anxious.  This doesn't stop my progress on my plans, but it does put me in a rather strange state of mind where this is something I'm obviously completely committed to, but then try not to think about it too much in the moment.

That may be challenged and it may become a bit more prominent once the cycle is underway however.  Probably.

Almost, almost, ready to start

From the post below you'll see that I've got my sperm ordered.  The next thing to take care of is to schedule my first cycle of trying.  This will be a drug assisted IUI cycle.  My cycle seems to be relatively regular but is fluctuating between 31-33 days.  Because of this, the clinic has suggested a drug assisted cycle to be sure of when I am ovulating and to have the best chance of insemination.  This means I'll need to pay for the cycle in advance and pay for the drugs I'll be using and have them ready to go in the fridge for the start of my next viable period/cycle.  I'm going away for three weeks and based on a period calculator I used, my next period will start the day before I come back to the UK or the day before.  This makes January unlikely as the first cycle to try for.  Instead, I'll just go for February.  That way I'll have been back for a month, settled in to my routine, and on top of things.  I don't think coming back from a holiday and rushing to the clinic is the best way to go about this anyway.  So February it is.  This gives me a month and a half to get all of that set up, i.e., paid for, and to get the drugs delivered.

It's honestly unreal.  I can't really think about the possibility of getting pregnant because I think it seems to overwhelming.  And if I do get pregnant, I think I'm going to be completely freaked out.  Which is, I think, pretty normal.  Regardless of how you end up getting pregnant.

In other news, me and the boyfriend have had a bit of bumpy spot regarding my pregnancy plans.  This has been causing me much sadness because he is hurt and upset and also because it doesn't mean I'm changing my plans.  This in turn makes me feel bad because something I'm doing is hurtful to him, at a time when our relationship- between the two of us, seems to be better than before.  This situation tempers how I express myself about the baby plan.  I do talk to close friends about it, but I can't really talk to my partner about it without it becoming a conversation about something else really.  So I try not to.  That's weird, huh?  But then what I'm doing is maybe considered a bit weird, all things considered.  Relationships and big life decisions are complicated things.  I may write more about this at some point, but I'm mindful of his privacy, even though I don't think he knows about this blog.