36w1d - baby belly bump

I'm 36w1d today, which is really nearing the end. On the one hand I feel like I've been pregnant forever, on the other hand, it all feels so quick. I think this is what happens as you get older anyway, but it doesn't change the strangeness.

Lately I've been thinking about, or trying to understand, that there is a real baby inside that belly of mine. I see pushing and movement, but what I see is a big skin balloon. I don't see 'a baby' and yet, at 36w there is a baby, pretty much completely formed and almost certainly capable of survival. But I just see a bump! I never had a 3d/4d scan of the baby so I don't have a particular impression of her physicality. Looking at regular scans is fine, but it's not a three dimensional baby you are looking at. I feel I'm getting more excited (and nervous) about her getting here.

I'm also at work for less than 2 weeks now. Handing over to my cover which has been great to have a 3 week overlap. Strange to think how easily I can be replaced! But actually work stuff is all good for me right now, as I will come back to a slightly different role doing something more in keeping with my background and expertise. So actually, work is really exciting, it's just strange to be leaving for a while. But I'll be very busy with other things!!

Also hard to believe my mother is going to be here in almost a month. This is an ongoing tension as my mother means very well and her heart is in the right place but she questions everything that I want or do. I keep telling her that I don't really feel the need to justify every decision to her and that it's insulting to me. But she keeps doing it. I think she also feels on some level she needs to put me down in order to make herself seem more needed, which is completely unnecessary. So I'm nervous about the help she is going to be giving me- if it's actually going to be helpful or if I'm going to want to kill her. Only time will tell.

I think the other thing about my mom coming is that she acts as if I'm all alone in the world with no one to help me other than her. As if my single parent journey isolates me in some way as opposed to being something I've been thinking about and actively planning for years. I have a good network around me to support me, and I'm also happy to pay people (like my doula) to support me post-natal. Not to mention the boyfriend, other friends, etc. But to my mother, every time I talk to her I have no one and nothing to help me (other than her). Again, it's frustrating, but we'll get through it. And I know I have my village/network so it's really more her issue than mine.

I need to get some more pictures of these final weeks! I really just can't imagine that soon she's going to be here and it's all going to be different. Eep!!!

34w2d - Obstetrician meeting

I am pleased to report that my meeting with the consultant obstetrician yesterday went very well. Unlike the first one I saw, this one was very relaxed about my birth. She checked that I knew I was there to discuss induction. I did, and said that I was inclined to not have one at 39w but would be open to one at 40w as long as I had a check first to see if anything was happening on its own. She then suggested that was fine, and that I actually wait a couple more days, especially if I had a 'stretch and sweep'. So an induction has been tentatively scheduled for February 17th. But, she also said that if I don't want one then, I don't have to have one and can just be monitored. So basically, she offered the expectant monitoring without my having to ask for it. It was all a very reasonable and unexciting conversation, so that was great.

I had my last hypnobirthing class last night which was more about after birth and once baby arrives. Which had a lot to do with breast feeding. I am intending to breast feed, so I wasn't in need of any convincing. I did say though, that for some people it just doesn't work, no matter how well intentioned, and that similar to c-sections or other things related to birth, we need to stop demonizing other choices people make. I don't have any reason at this point to think I won't be able to breast feed, and I will try everything possible to get it going. But if something is wrong and I ultimately need to switch to formula? Then that's fine too.

On Monday I have my last hospital appointment for a while, this time with one of the head midwives at the birth center. My last hoop to jump through is to get permission to be allowed into the birth center if labor starts naturally. They are not inclined to allow this initially due to my age (of course) because they want continuous monitoring which can only be done on the ward. Except there doesn't seem to be any benefit to continuous monitoring, and anyway, the birth center is one floor down from the ward, so if needed, I can be moved. Anyway, I'm hoping that the meeting goes smoothly like yesterday's did and then everything is settled.

In the meanwhile I've been working on my birth plan. I'm torn between some of the visual/picture ones I've seen and just writing one out with bullet points. At the moment I'm going bullet points because I don't have the software on my computer here to do the visual one. I'll send a draft copy to my doulas to get their input and point out anything I may have missed.

The first week of January has really flown by. Granted it was a 4-day week. Still, baby girl is going to be here before I know it. I can't believe it.

34w - Scan

Had a scan this morning due to my advanced maternal age. Apparently they offer it at 34 weeks if it's your first baby and you are and old mama.  It was exciting to see baby girl although she definitely does not fit on the screen anymore. She was presenting 'cephalic' which means 'head down'; so, basically in the right position which is good. We could only see bits and pieces of her. All the measurements were on target and baby girl is measuring above average at about the 80th percentile. Her estimated weight was 5.9lbs (2.689kg), so a healthy sized baby right now! I got to see her heart beating, and a good look at her thigh bone. We also listened to the blood pumping through the umbilical cord. We couldn't get a good look at the face as her hands were in the way, although we got to see an eye poking out. Overall it was a fairly efficient appointment and all was as it should be, so that was good.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the consultant obstetrician again. I imagine this is where they are going to pressure me to schedule an induction for 39 weeks. I am going to decline the 39w induction but tentatively agree to a 40w induction. I've looked at the research and I'm not convinced that the 39w induction is necessary or helpful. I will try to give my body as much time to go into labor as possible before resorting to an induction. This also means that at 40w, I want to be checked to see if labor is starting on its own in which case I will again reject the induction and give it a couple of days. Should be a (not so) fun talk with the doctor tomorrow. Anyway, we'll see and I'll try to report back. At least one of my doulas is coming with me which will be helpful I think.

Went to NCT prenatal (antenatal) class last night which was good. Boyfriend came with me and managed it well, and I felt positively about the experience in general. There were 7 other couples there- all traditional (man/woman, married). I think what I'm learning is that I'm more curious than other people, or that I shouldn't be so surprised that people don't do as much reading or research as I do.

Last month at work now which is all a bit mental. It seems as if there is so much to do!! And I still don't believe at all that baby can possibly come early although one of my colleagues voiced concern about that. I think after all this waiting and being pregnant for so long, this month is going to fly by!

33w2d - Less comfortable

I mean, it was bound to happen. But for sure the belly is getting bigger and the bladder pressure is getting stronger. Positively, I don't have to get up in the night to pee, but during the day I sort of feel like I need to pee all the time just because of the pressure on the bladder.

My hypnobirthing class is almost finished, and my NCT class is about to begin. The boyfriend has decided that he would like to be there for the birth so I said that he had to come to NCT class with me. I hope that goes well. He also needs to meet my doulas, and that's also in progress.

I need to chase up the solicitors here to get my will set up this month. I got in touch with them last month and asked them to email me. They called, and I repeated that I wanted them to email me, and then I got nothing through. This is not necessarily a great sign for these solicitors, but I just need a will drawn up and sorted before the birth.

I've started building the nursery furniture as I'm off work this week between Christmas and New Year. It's all gone slower than I hoped, although I think I've built the most tricky piece. I built the wardrobe and the storage unit. I still have to build the crib and the changing table. However, I can't build those until I move the sofa-bed downstairs, or rather, get someone else to move the sofa-bed downstairs. The storage units look great though, and they do hold a lot. So that's fab. Once everything is built, then the washing and sorting can begin!

Birth seems like such a foreign concept. It's amazing to me how unaware we are in modern society of the various mechanics of birth. They hypnobirthing class has been really good- and I'm looking forward to the NCT class as well. Although I'm intrigued, I'm not exactly looking forward to the birth. I can't imagine how it will be, so I try not to imagine how it will be. I'd like to have a good birth, to be one with my body, to sink into myself and emerge with a baby. But who knows. I have a bunch of appointments coming up this week and next. First is my 34 week scan on Tuesday. Wednesday I have an appointment with the consultant to discuss (and possibly schedule) induction. Did I say this already? I'm going to decline the early induction but I think I'll agree to induction at 40w in the hopes that I go into labor before then. Then the following week I have an appointment with one of the head midwives at the hospital to get permission if I do go into labor naturally that I can go into the birth center as opposed to straight to the delivery ward. I didn't really anticipate all this... hassle about giving birth.

In other news I've started perinial massage with ElastoLabo in the hopes of reducing any tearing during birth. This is probably one of my bigger concerns- I mean everything else heals but tears here can screw you up for life. The massage is not particularly comfortable and not the easiest to manage position-wise. But I'll stick with it because it really can't hurt and it seems like a good idea. At week 36 I can add the Epi-No to my routine. Watch, with my luck I'll be doing all this and then end up with a Cesarean! But anyway, as I say, it can't hurt and lets me feel like I'm doing something proactively to address my concerns.

I've had a mild cold all week which hasn't helped with anything. It's not a very bad cold, but enough to make me feel slightly under the weather. Hopefully I can get rid of it fully soon.

31w5d - Strange dream

Last night was the first time I had a dream about giving birth.  I've had dreams about having a child, or being pregnant, but typically the actual 'birth' is something that gets glossed over in my dreams. Perhaps because this is becoming more prominent and I'm doing more reading and classes, but last night I dreamed about the birth itself. It was very strange of course, because I don't have real experience to draw on, so it was very surreal. On the plus side, it wasn't awful. So there's that.

I had my second official meeting with my doulas yesterday. That was good, they're really great. I need to start writing up my birth plan. We covered a lot of areas and things they will help me with in the upcoming weeks. One of them always goes with me to the hypnobirthing class which is nice for me and a win win for them, so all good. One will come with me to my scan on January 4th and the other will come with me to my obstetricians meeting on January 5th. Not entirely sure why I'm having the scan, though I'm not upset because I like seeing baby girl. The obstetrician meeting will be to discuss induction. I think right now I am going to not agree to a 39w induction but I will agree to a 40w induction in the hopes that I will go into labor before then. The other meeting I need to set up is with one of the head of midwifery at the Rosie to get permission that if I do go into labor I can go to the birth center and not straight to the delivery unit. Apparently this is what is recommended for women over 40 but I'm not very happy with that. If I go into normal labor, I want the chance to have a comfortable labor in the lovely birthing center. If something goes wrong, or I decide I need medical help, then they can stick me in the lift and take me upstairs to the delivery unit. But I don't want to start there.

So that's what's going on in pregnancy world at the moment. The pregnancy itself is progressing fine. Baby girl is obviously getting bigger so I can feel her more. Last night she really poked out prominently which was almost shocking! I wish I'd filmed it. I still cycle to and from work which feels perfectly fine. I might even be getting used to my hand and feet issues as they don't seem to be bothering me as much. I guess I'm in one of the 'accepting' phases of physicality. Give it a week or two and I'll be more uncomfortable again!

I can't believe that it's the last week of work before the holiday break. When I get back to work in January, it's a one month countdown until I'm off on maternity leave. It's so fast!! I'm starting to look forward to the change and for baby girl to go from an idea to reality. And I can't believe it's going to be happening so soon. I can't even begin to imagine all the different ways in which my life is going to change, but I'm getting excited about it.

31w2d - Hypnobirthing class and things

Pregnancy progressing- bump getting bigger.  I still feel pretty good in general.  Maybe I am starting to need to pee a bit more often but not to the point where it's unreasonable, and I don't get up at night needing to pee, so that's good. 

I have one more week of work before the holiday break.  I'm definitely looking forward to some 'nesting' time at home. My IKEA deliver is coming a week from today so most of the break will be spent setting up the nursery. I can finally start washing and sorting all the bags of hand-me-downs which would be fun and exciting. I also have some new things to wash and get ready like muslins, wipes, and cloth outer nappies. I'm just looking forward to starting to prepare.

The other day baby girl was in a position where I didn't feel her very strongly. My midwife definitely got me a bit anxious about 'not feeling her kick' which I don't think was helpful. With the anterior placenta, I think sometimes she's just muffled and I don't notice her moving for a while. With what the midwife said, this of course makes me start to worry that something is wrong. Then the next day, I feel her moving fine. I understand being aware of risks, but I don't think this is something I need to be so anxious about so I'm trying to manage it.

Went to my second hypnobirthing class last night. I've added a link to the right-hand side bar if any one is interested in finding classes in the UK or for more information. I am interested in the theories behind hypnobirthing, even if I find self-hypnosis challenging. I'm not sure that part matters so much, more the understanding of the state you are trying to achieve. I won't know until the moment obviously but if I hold on to the ideas of the course, I may be able to find that mental state in my own way at the time. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the visualization and positive thinking that goes with it.

The big thing on the pregnancy agenda right now is the process of birth. Induction or no induction? And where can I give birth? I am off work from the first of February. My plan is to do every old wives tale in the book daily to try to jump start labor. This includes nipple stimulation, orgasms, eating spicy food, raspberry leaf tea, acupuncture, reflexology, etc. Anything and everything, I'm pretty much up for it so that I can, if possible, avoid an induction. If I get to my due date at 40w, I may decide to go ahead with the induction. So we'll see. The thing is, right now they are telling me I can't go to the birthing center because I'm over 40. Apparently if I go into labor, I will need 'continuous monitoring' which they only do on the delivery unit. But that's ridiculous if there are no other risk factors and anyway they do intermittent monitoring (every 15 minutes) in the birth center, so what the fuck? I may need to go have a meeting with the head of the center to get permission to go to the birth center. I find this all frustrating. And then I hear in class, that although you may not be allowed in the birth center, you are allowed, or rather, they can't stop you from having a home birth. Now, I in no way whatsoever want a home birth. But if threatening them with me deciding to have a home birth is what makes them relent and allow me into the birth center if I happen go to into labor, then we'll see. It's really all a bit ridiculous and annoying. Which is not how you want to be feeling about giving birth. I have a meeting on Sunday with my doulas to discuss options and strategies. Fucking hell.

28w3d - Doula meeting and Nursery planning

I had my first official meeting with my two Doulas. It was really great. I was surprised that it ended up being a 3 hour meeting. I guess I didn't know what to expect. I'm sure we could have just kept chatting but it was after work, late, and I'd started yawning. We talked about birth choices, my preferences, life post birth, the type of support I think I might need, and the type of support they could offer now including information on things like pre-birth yoga exercises, hypnobirthing, baby care, etc. I didn't expect less, but it was a very positive meeting and made me feel good about all things birth and baby. Currently very much in favor of the Doula experience, and feel that is likely to continue.

As I think I said in the last post, I've been toying with nursery furniture layouts. I was happy to see that someone has made all of the IKEA Stuva pieces I'm considering in sketchup which makes my life much easier when doing layouts (previously I made my own blocks but just found these and was very happy). I mean, if I can't use my skills as an architect sometimes, what's the point?! On the positive side, the new layouts suggest that I think I can fit in a little bit of extra storage. The question is, which way?

Option 1 includes a larger unit- two drawers and three shelves (if you use the top of the unit as a shelf as well which I would). The downside is this means there will be a partially blocked area of the crib which will be about 1'7" square. This option looks like this (although on the unit next to the wardrobe it won't be doors on the top but 2 open shelves):

Option 2 uses a smaller unit instead of the taller unit. The benefits being that the blockage to the crib will be less, but I'll lose 2 shelves (I can still use the top of the unit as a shelf area). Option 2 therefore, looks like this:

I really want some sort of shelf area so I can put a nightlight, the baby monitor, etc. Otherwise, there isn't anyplace I can easily put these things. I also think some extra storage is going to be needed/useful. With either of these options, in the future, the changing table becomes a child's desk and can move along the wall with the storage units and the bed can move to along the wall under the window where the changer is now. The reason I don't want the crib over there now is that it's against the radiator which I'm trying to leave open to function better. Also, it gets hot! When she's older, I'll be more comfortable putting the crib/child bed against it.

You can see that there's sort of floor area where I was really hoping to put some sort of rocking chair but the space is actually incredibly tight with the door openings and access to the changing table. I've tried some chair components and they just don't fit well. I think I'll need to get the furniture in and then see what space is really there (and test some of the chairs in the house I have already before buying a rocker).

Any thoughts from the peanut gallery? I'm hoping to purchase furniture in the next month and get it set up over the holiday break. I don't find either solution completely satisfying, and I'm still mourning the loss of a possible chair. But time is ticking and I need to make some decisions!

27w5d - Parties and publicity

So first, a warm welcome to any Italian visitors who have come to this blog having read the short piece that I was interviewed for. I've used Google translate to check it out and it seems to cover what I discussed with the reporter.  I'm also glad she got in links to the DCN and SMC as these have been great resources for me on this journey. I know that single parenthood is less common in Italy and I hope spreading awareness can help others find fulfillment in their lives, whatever decisions they make.

In other news I had my baby shower on Saturday! It was really lovely to have a small gathering of friends to celebrate future baby girl. It was at a funky place in London and we all did a high tea sort of thing. It's clearly set up for parties and worked well I think. Positively, most people bought gifts off my registry and they have been send straight to my house so I didn't have too much to carry back with me. There's a funny picture of me with balloons coming out of my backpack on the way back to the train to Cambridge. Yes, I'm one of *those* annoying people.

So things in the house are really starting to pile up. I got another bag of hand-me-downs from a work colleague who stopped in on Friday. Her daughter is 4 months old and she says a bunch of clothes she got (as gifts or hand-me-downs) were the wrong season, so she just brought them for me. Seriously, I'm not going to need any additional clothes for baby girl. In fact I seriously doubt her ability to wear all the clothes I've been given so far! This is not a bad thing, but I need to get some furniture so I can do some washing so I can start sorting it all out and determining what I have for what age, etc. One of my projects yesterday was to measure the spare room/future nursery so I could plot out a furniture layout. The room is not large (8'x7'6") and has two doorways with inward operating doors. There's also a window and radiator that basically leave me with an 'L' shaped layout. I've worked out it will be relatively simple to fit the crib, changing table, and wardrobe. However, fitting anything else that I was hoping for (an extra storage cubby or a rocking/glider chair) is pretty much impossible. I'll continue to ponder the layout (I'm thinking there's one option I didn't try), but it's definitely tight outside of the three fundamental pieces.

Baby girl has been particularly active the past couple days, or she's starting to have less room so I feel her more.  I'm either going through a phase where my body is adjusting and I'm slightly uncomfortable, or it's really just the start of the third trimester where you can't really get comfortable. Time will tell.

In other news, I will have my first official meeting with my doulas tonight, so looking forward to that. Still pondering this whole induction issue. But I have time.

22w1d - Advanced maternal age

On Tuesday I had a meeting with the obstetrician at the hospital. This was scheduled because I am borderline for pregnancy risk factors- my age, my weight, and my history of ovarian cyst and abdominal surgery. The meeting, which was very short, was relatively uneventful. However, the registrar said that due to my age, they recommend I have an induction at 39 weeks.  Apparently, once you are 40, your risk of stillbirth doubles from week 39 compared to a younger women. This sounds awful, but what it really means is your risk goes from 1:2000 to 1:1000 which still means you have a .01% risk of stillbirth. Still, this was not news I was expecting or prepared for. It sent me to looking through the internet and forums to confirm this information which does seem legitimate. However, it sort of sucks. Follow up reading suggests that induction does not increase the chance of a cesarean section, although I think this is widely held belief. I guess in part the reality is that older mothers in general have a higher rate of cesareans.

This will be something I need to continue to discuss with my midwife and doulas. I really wasn't planning to have the baby early, and I wasn't even thinking about induction at this stage. I guess I need to, and I need to start thinking about when to do it. It seems unclear if the testing shows a difference between 39w and 39w6d so I could get very close to my due date, or I could just decide to go a week early. Although this would only mean I took a week off of work. Decisions to make. But at least I have time to see how the pregnancy continues to progress and talk to my support team.

In other news, I'm off to the States tomorrow for a couple of weeks which should be good. Going to see family and friends which I'm looking forward to. Although I never look forward to the long flight. Hopefully all will be well. I got compression socks to wear so I can be a good pregnant woman.

21w1d - Doula interviews

I've been busy interviewing doulas so that there is plenty of time to build a good relationship with one before labour. I started off looking on the Doula UK website and contacted two doulas. One was not available during my delivery. The other I had a nice phone chat with. However, she encouraged me to speak to a few more doulas and even facilitated this by sending around a message to see who was available on my due date to give me a short list to review. It turns out there is a Cambridge specific doula website which was useful, although I hadn't come across it initially.  I looked up everyone on the short listed and contacted 5 more doulas.

Last week I managed to speak to everyone on the phone (and one in person). All of the douals were really lovely and it gave me a very positive feeling about birth. It was hard to think about how to narrow the selection but I felt a slight affinity for 3 of the 6 so I arranged to meet in person with those 3. I've met with two so far and the third will be later today. Again, everyone is lovely so it's going to be difficult to select.  Although in speaking to everyone I think I've decided to do what's called a 'shared' service where you basically have 2 doulas who split your job.  This came about because I was asking what happens if a doula can't make your delivery.  They go on call for 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after your due date.  But of course, emergencies happen.  I believe a doula will do everything in their power to make it to your birth, but what if they can't? Okay, they tend to have a backup, but you may not know that person.  In my case, it is possible that there will be no other birth partner (still not clear on the boyfriend situation). So I wanted extra assurance that in case of emergency, there would definitely be a back-up and that I would get to know that person. Also with shared doulas they can support each other- so for example, if my labor was very long, they could trade off so one could get some rest but I was still supported.

So I guess that generally means I need to pick two from the three, and then see what sort of shared packages they can offer me. I will say just from going through the interview process, I feel very positive about hiring a doula and what they will be able to do for me pre-birth, at the birth, and post-birth.  I'm glad to have this being sorted now, as with half of the pregnancy to go, it should give me time to develop good relationships with whomever I choose so that I feel the most comfortable and supported throughout the process.

20w1d - 50% and scan

Yesterday I was officially halfway through this pregnancy. Sort of crazy! Parts of it have gone fast, then parts have gone slow, now it seems fast again. This morning I put on normal clothes and I didn't feel particularly pregnant. This gave me a mild anxiety about going for my anatomy scan. What if something was wrong?

Of course nothing was wrong, baby girl was bigger than last time. I got to see all new parts of her body including her spine and the four chambers of her heart beating. Looks like she's still above average on size, although not quite as big as the last measurement. My next scan isn't until 34 weeks.

I had them check my ovary while I was at it. They brought in a radiologist who works in the pregnancy clinic but also specializes in female reproductive scanning. She found the ovary and didn't see any unusual growths or that it was any bigger than it should be. So this was also a relief. My mother lost her second ovary during her pregnancy with me, where a cyst grew to be 9lbs. So I was a little bit nervous this could happen to me as well, but so far it seems okay.

First round invitations have gone out for my baby shower which some friends of mine are hosting. We've decided to have it a little early because the idea time would be smack in the middle of December which just doesn't seem like a good time at all. So it was either be early, or late. We opted for early. That's cool though. I'll be more comfortable for it.

I've been interviewing doulas with an eye towards picking one. I have three more to get in touch with, as I've narrowed down to 5. Then I'll meet a shortlist from the 5 in person and then pick someone to go with. The two I've spoken to so far have been really nice and I definitely am enthused about the idea of having one.

So far in the pregnancy I've gained about 5 pounds. That seems okay. At one point I thought I'd gained more, but I think I just ate a lot the day before. I know I will start gaining in the second half of the pregnancy but I'm still conscious of trying not to gain too much seeing as how I already started heavy. So far I feel okay about it. It was good to know that I could fit into my regular jeans today- although they are no where near as comfortable as maternity jeans!

19w1d - Productive

I had a four-day break up to Manchester this past weekend where I got to see two lovely friends of mine who are both already mothers. It was lovely to see them in general, but it was also great to talk about pregnancy related things; to get advice and stories of first hand experiences. I went shopping with one at the pharmacy where we filled a basket with 'things I'll need straight away' including breast pads, maternity pads, nipple cream, baby butt cream, etc. Sometimes it's very helpful for someone else to say, 'Get this, it works.' where I don't have to get my brain around all the different advice out there. I also went with the other to look at nursing and sleeping bras which was also useful. I think though that I might see if I can find those cheaper when I'm in the States. Although with the drop in the pound, it may not be the case.

I've started wearing some of the maternity clothes I bought which are ridiculously comfortable. I'm starting to show, and maternity clothes seem to make it look worse, but mostly the clothes are still too big as I don't really have a big enough bump to fill them yet. This will change.

I'm still benefiting from various hand-me-downs which is great. I believe I have now scored a newborn car-seat, a bouncy seat, and a highchair. Although the highchair straps are manky and need replacing- but I've called the manufacturer who says they don't have a replacement. They suggested a different harness though so now I need to go to the store and see if that's really feasible or not.

My mother sent me an email last night because she knows a woman who had kids and she sent through a list of her favorite things. Which was fine. However, then my mother continued on to question my choices about what I wanted saying I should use what her friend used. Like I haven't done my research? As though I don't know what I actually want in my house? Or, you know, that I haven't talked to a number (ie, many more than one) of recent parents about all the things they used and put all of the conflicting advice together in my head to sort out what I believe will work best for me? Gr.

I heard back from the first doula I emailed that she would be away during my due date so couldn't offer her services. I've reached out to another that I liked. I have no idea if I'm late or early on the doula search, but I do know it's going to be important to find one I actually like if they're going to be with me in labor. I'm sure I'll find one I like eventually.

One week to my anatomy scan! Looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've seen baby girl, and it will be exciting to see all the bits of her!

48 dpo 9w2d - First midwife appointment

I've had my first midwife appointment which was fine.  It took some time, as there seemed to be a lot of information to enter into the system.  I would say the meeting was mostly procedural.  There wasn't necessarily any new information from this meeting. She went over with me what vitamins I should be taking, what I should and shouldn't be eating, that I should be exercising but not adding new hardcore routines. I brought along a printout of the donor profile so I could answer any questions about 'the other side' which was useful. We touched briefly on where I might want to give birth, and who might be in the room with me. I don't know yet enough about my pregnancy to make any decisions about where to give birth, although I know I really don't want to do it at home. I think I will be too high risk for that anyway, but it otherwise it really doesn't interest me. The birth center is literally attached to the delivery hospital (same building) so you can always start off in the birth center and be quickly transferred if needed, which seems reasonable. But I'll find out more about how it works later in the pregnancy. We also discussed my relationship with the boyfriend and she agreed that a doula is probably a good idea for me, even if the boyfriend decides he wants to be involved. So that was good to talk about albeit briefly.

Part of the meeting was clearly to assess risk factors.  Because of my age (almost 42) and my weight (BMI 34.5) and my history of an abdominal surgery (ovary removal) this puts me at various risks for various things. So one of the things she set me up with was a meeting with an obstetrician.  I guess in the UK you don't meet with an obstetrician regularly unless you are high risk. So I'll go to be assessed and either they'll continue to want to see me or they'll release me back to my midwife team/GP. I may also have an extra scan due to my age. I'm also at a higher risk for pre-eclampsia so I'll need to start taking a daily baby aspirin at 12 weeks.

But basically that was all fine.  The next steps are that I scheduled a blood test for Thursday and I need to also provide a urine sample (in the smallest urine pot known to man I might add). I am now expecting 3 letters: a welcome from the midwife detailing our discussion and baby aspirin stuff; an appointment letter for my 12 week scan at the hospital which includes a permission form for the Nuchal screening; and, an appointment letter for a meeting with the obstetrician.  I've also confirmed that they don't do NIPT yet, so I'm going to schedule that next week. The midwife told me about another Cambridge based private clinic that offers it, but it's cheaper at the one I found already, so I think I'll stick to that. I think I'll also go for the Serenity Plus test over the Harmony. I don't think it makes very much difference at all, except I think I'll get the Serenity results quicker.

Oh, and I also asked about the Cyclogest/progesterone because I'm down to just a few days left. The midwife said I needed to call the IVF clinic to ask how long I should be on it, so I called them when I got back and had a very nice chat with one of the nurses who was there throughout my procedures. She said they normally would end around 7 weeks, and they're happy for it to stop at 9 weeks. She said it's up to me if I stop cold turkey or reduce then taper but it shouldn't make any difference at this point. So I think I will do a full dose tomorrow which is officially 9 weeks if you follow the retrieval/fertilization date. Then I will drop to one a day until I run out and I might every other day the last one or two. So that's one bit of good news that I don't have to be sticking things up my bottom twice a day very soon!

In other news, another woman on the forum in my group has miscarried which is just awful. I was hoping that we would not be the standard statistic as a group and yet we have reached it. And there could still yet be more. It's so heartbreaking. I try to stick to my mantra but am well aware there are still some big hurdles to get past. The NIPT and the 12 week scan being the big ones. I know that there is nothing I can do. What is going to happen is going to happen. The not knowing can be just so hard though.

IVF 1 - Day 8 First scan of the cycle

I had my first scan today on day 8 of my cycle (day 7 by stimulation days).  I managed to get completely confused about when the appointment was based on how I put it in my diary which meant I showed up at 9:30 for a 9:00am appointment.  Luckily this was no problem at all and they saw me pretty much straight away.  It took the nurse two tries to get blood out of my arms.  I've decided that I think this blood issue is related to the 15 minute cycle ride I take to get to the clinic.  Typically if I've been cycling for over 10 minutes, my hands start to go numb and feel like I'm having circulation problems.  Because the first thing they do at the clinic is the blood draw, I think the problem with getting blood out is related to this.  I suggested next time they do it after the scan, we'll see if that helps.

So anyway, the scan was fine.  The nurse who did it had a little bit of trouble with their new equipment because it wouldn't get to where she could tag the follicles.  This meant I had the wand in me for a while until she managed to reboot the machine and finally get it it to work.  It also means though I got a pretty good look at the ovary.  So far so good.  The Gonal F is clearly working even though I'm not feeling anything yet.  I had around 7 follicles that were all 9.5-10.5mm, so that was great.  The ideal is for them all to be around the same size and they generally were.  It was clear at that magnification which ones were slightly bigger, but anyway, that was good, and there's still pretty much the rest of this week to go and for things to continue to grow and change.  In addition, my uterine lining also looked good.  The nurse was very positive and pleased, so that made me happy.

Of course I don't want to get my hopes up too high because in the last two of my egg freezing cycles, I had I think 9 and then 7 follicles and then only got 4 and then 3 mature eggs.  So even though seven sounds exciting, I'm trying to preparing for a low return.

My next scan is on Wednesday, and then I've already got one scheduled for Friday.  By Friday it should be clear if I'm coming in for a scan on Monday or if  I trigger or what.  I'm still thinking that based on previous egg freezing cycles that my egg retrieval will be next Wednesday, but we'll see.  I did ask this morning about this process as they require someone to take you home and stay with you (for 24 hours - or anyway that's what they say).  A friend of mine has offered to collect me in her car and stay with me for the afternoon, but she can't come until noon give or take.  However, I saw in the reading they gave me that they want the person who is going to take you home to be there from the start.  Well that's crazy- I can't just have random friends taking all day off work to sit around for a few hours while I have a procedure!!  It's hard enough to get people to be able to take time off to collect me at the right time!  This is for sure one of those times where I get very frustrated with the single mother element, and I also was frustrated during the egg freezing process.  Having been looking at doulas recently, I wonder if this isn't a service they should maybe consider starting to offer.  I'll deal with it, but it's annoying.  And now I have to wait to find out if I need someone there 'all day' or if someone can just come at the end.  I don't want to ask the boyfriend as I think it will upset him. Also, he doesn't have a car, so I'd have to book a taxi at which point I get annoyed about why I have to have anyone with me to begin with.  But I will work it out.

In other news I was at a dinner on Saturday night with some of my students who were graduating this weekend.  I had 1/4 a glass of wine.  I'm not going to kill myself over this.  I've been very good at taking all of my vitamins and morning pills, etc.  1/4 glass of wine is not going to make a difference!

Oh yeah, and I've started taking the Ogalutran which is Ganirelex (which I didn't know) in the morning.  I like that it comes in pre-filled syringes unlike the Cetrotide I had to mix and took during the egg freezing cycles.  However, it stings a bit after injecting it which I don't like as much.  For some reason the shots this cycle have all been more bothersome and often quite pokey.  Occasionally I get one in where I really can't feel it, but more often than not they feel pretty sharp.  Annoying!

Anyway, next update  Wednesday I imagine.

IVF 1 - Day 3

So managed to do my first injection last night but forgot I had a dinner to go to and so didn't do it until 10pm which was a bit later than my intended 8pm.  Today I have my drugs with me as I'll have to inject after the movie which will be around 8:30/9:00.  At least I'm moving it in the right direction and should be then back on an 8pm routine.

The shot hurt a bit last night- I don't know why.  Just didn't get the angle quite right so it was very pokey going in and I even moved it to see if it would be less pokey, but no. Anyway, I got it done and that was that.

I forgot that this morning I had an appointment with the counselor up at my clinic so I got in to work a bit late, turned on my computer, looked at my diary and was like, 'Oh shit!' so I had to put all my stuff back on and cycle to the clinic.  Oops.  While I was there I had a chat with the nursing team about when my first scan is scheduled for.  They reassured me that Day 8 (which is their Day 7 since they count stim days, not from period days) is completely regular and fine.  They did offer to give me a scan on Friday if I wanted one, but as I would have only been stimming for three days at that point, they didn't think there would be any adjustments.  So fine.  It really won't make any difference for me to see it on Friday versus Monday so I will just wait.  But I felt better for asking.

The talk with the counselor was good.  She was very nice.  This was a hoop jumping requirement by my clinic due to my use of donor sperm.  Right now I feel okay with everything, so I really just chatted to her and she asked some questions and all that was fine.  We did spend some time talking about the boyfriend because that is complicated.  I don't know that it helped to talk to her about it, but perhaps just again reassured me that I've got this sorted in my  own mind and am prepared for what may happen either way (he sticks around or he doesn't stick around if I get pregnant).  He and I still don't talk about the baby plan although I continue to update him on each step as I'm doing it.  I know he's not properly dealt with it in his own mind yet, but it's really just not my problem.  It would be my problem if I was relying on him, but I'm not.  I enjoy his company for what it is and if I lose it, I'll be sad.  But the baby plan is my primary focus and he's not actively part of that.  It's also why I was pleased to hear from the pregnant ladies at the DCN conference about doulas.  They all advocated for having one with you in the delivery room and I've since looked into it and looks like a great idea.  So I'm not even worried about who is going to be there with me because I will pay someone to be there with me.

I worked out with the counselor that it's not that I'm feeling optimistic about all this, it's just that I'm excited to be actually doing it.  I'm not unrealistic about the odds, but it's exciting to be doing something- moving forward, etc.  Although I may not feel that way a week from now, I feel that way today.