38w5d - Closer and closer

Sorry for being out of touch! The last few weeks at work were insane. Seriously, insane. It's all good stuff, but it meant that I was working non-stop training my maternity replacement, and trying to do as much as possible for the new program that we are acquiring before I left (that I will be running when I get back).

So time passed, and now I'm in the final countdown. A few different things have happened which are probably worth recording here. From arguing with my mother, to everything I'm doing to try to get baby to come on her own before the induction. Then there's getting the house ready and all the 'nesting'. By the way, I despise the word nesting. I don't think being prepared is anything special or significant. Bringing a new baby into your home requires various degrees of preparation which may mean new furniture and finding places for things and moving things around. It isn't 'nesting', it's just being fucking practical. I have heard of women who start to go insane cleaning, although again, you think about this new responsibility and the lack of a good immune system and I think yes, it's better to clean some stuff then be irresponsible. But I honestly don't think it's 'special', I think it's smart!

So I've been preparing for baby girl by getting the nursery ready, washing a ton of clothes and blankets and muslins and anything else she might use. I've tried to clear up the clutter and sort through things that I've had sitting around for some time. I mean, it was easy to have those things sitting around, but with all the new things coming into my house, I had less space, and it forced me to look at some of these piles of things.

But basically I think I'm ready. I've ordered everything that I thought was 'essential' for me. The only thing I haven't set up is the 'Next 2 me' cot because it's going to be a big obstacle in my room which is fine when baby is here, but I don't think I need to live with empty for a week more or so. But the sheets and everything that goes into it are ready, so hopefully setting it up won't take much time at all.

I've packed two of the three bags I'm taking to the hospital. Baby's bag was the first to be packed and has everything I'll need for her in hospital and to come home. In my NCT class, they suggested packing up the nappy/diaper bag as baby's bag to start to get used to it which I thought was sensible, so that's exactly what I've done. I've also packed my 'going home' bag which includes two pairs of comfortable pajamas, two outfits, a bunch of oversized cotton underwear, an entire pack of maternity pads, some disposable underwear, breast pads, nipple cream, toiletries, etc. The only bag I need to still put together is the 'labouring' bag which includes two robes (one very lightweight as a cover, and one thicker/towel weight robe), slippers, portable speaker, essential oil, magic wand (maybe), TENS unit, food & drink, etc. Basically, everything I might want while I labor. Some of it is sitting in a pile, so it's not that it would be so difficult to shove it all in a bag if it was an emergency, but I'm pretty sure I have time.

Since going on leave, I've started to be more conscientious about the things you can do to promote labor. I've been to acupuncture twice and am scheduled to go again Wednesday and Friday this week. I started with some nipple stimulation using my breast pump which I think did make me more crampy (and I managed to express some colostrum) but when I stopped it all stopped. I'll come back to it, but I wanted a break and felt it was perhaps early. I'm trying to walk although baby is definitely engaged and walking can put incredible pressure on my bladder. Today I basically walked while lifting my bump slightly just to get her off it! I've been eating 6 dates a day for weeks now, and that continues. What else? Bouncing on a ball. I'm really not convinced there is loads you can do to bring about labor. I'm scheduled for a membrane sweep next Monday and the following Wednesday as a last resort. Because I'm also scheduled for an induction on the 17th. After all I've gone through to push off the induction and have good support from the hospital staff, I'm now pretty much determined to go through with it for the sole reason that it will be much much better for my mental health if the baby arrives before my mother does on the 22nd. This is, by the way, a terrible reason to push forward with an induction, but I'm trying to balance mental health and physical health and right now mental health is winning. This is why I'm committed to pretty much doing everything possible to hope that labor starts on its own before then.

But I think my next post will be about my struggles with my mother right now. This post is already long.

Oh yeah, in other news, I've been using the elastolabo and Epi-No nightly and it's given me some confidence about the birthing process. When I started with the Epi-No, it was around 7cm. It's now up to 9.5 and while it makes me feel 'full' and isn't necessarily comfortable, it helps me to know that I've pushed something out of my vagina with that diameter. I've looked up that an average baby head is about 11cm, so that's 1.5cm away. At least it makes me feel less frightened of tearing, and has helped me to understand how having something that large lodged in your privates is likely to feel (i.e., how you feel it more in your bottom). So I'm pleased with that investment. Just hoping I actually get the chance to give birth vaginally!

Midwife appointment tomorrow. Not expecting anything unusual.

It's very strange to be off work. Right now it just feels like some sort of long weekend. It's hard to remember that life is going on without me and people are going to work and getting on with things while I putter around. On the one hand it's good because they really do leave you alone once you're on leave. On the other hand, it's just really odd to suddenly just be on the outside!

Okay, enough for now, more soon.

31w2d - Hypnobirthing class and things

Pregnancy progressing- bump getting bigger.  I still feel pretty good in general.  Maybe I am starting to need to pee a bit more often but not to the point where it's unreasonable, and I don't get up at night needing to pee, so that's good. 

I have one more week of work before the holiday break.  I'm definitely looking forward to some 'nesting' time at home. My IKEA deliver is coming a week from today so most of the break will be spent setting up the nursery. I can finally start washing and sorting all the bags of hand-me-downs which would be fun and exciting. I also have some new things to wash and get ready like muslins, wipes, and cloth outer nappies. I'm just looking forward to starting to prepare.

The other day baby girl was in a position where I didn't feel her very strongly. My midwife definitely got me a bit anxious about 'not feeling her kick' which I don't think was helpful. With the anterior placenta, I think sometimes she's just muffled and I don't notice her moving for a while. With what the midwife said, this of course makes me start to worry that something is wrong. Then the next day, I feel her moving fine. I understand being aware of risks, but I don't think this is something I need to be so anxious about so I'm trying to manage it.

Went to my second hypnobirthing class last night. I've added a link to the right-hand side bar if any one is interested in finding classes in the UK or for more information. I am interested in the theories behind hypnobirthing, even if I find self-hypnosis challenging. I'm not sure that part matters so much, more the understanding of the state you are trying to achieve. I won't know until the moment obviously but if I hold on to the ideas of the course, I may be able to find that mental state in my own way at the time. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the visualization and positive thinking that goes with it.

The big thing on the pregnancy agenda right now is the process of birth. Induction or no induction? And where can I give birth? I am off work from the first of February. My plan is to do every old wives tale in the book daily to try to jump start labor. This includes nipple stimulation, orgasms, eating spicy food, raspberry leaf tea, acupuncture, reflexology, etc. Anything and everything, I'm pretty much up for it so that I can, if possible, avoid an induction. If I get to my due date at 40w, I may decide to go ahead with the induction. So we'll see. The thing is, right now they are telling me I can't go to the birthing center because I'm over 40. Apparently if I go into labor, I will need 'continuous monitoring' which they only do on the delivery unit. But that's ridiculous if there are no other risk factors and anyway they do intermittent monitoring (every 15 minutes) in the birth center, so what the fuck? I may need to go have a meeting with the head of the center to get permission to go to the birth center. I find this all frustrating. And then I hear in class, that although you may not be allowed in the birth center, you are allowed, or rather, they can't stop you from having a home birth. Now, I in no way whatsoever want a home birth. But if threatening them with me deciding to have a home birth is what makes them relent and allow me into the birth center if I happen go to into labor, then we'll see. It's really all a bit ridiculous and annoying. Which is not how you want to be feeling about giving birth. I have a meeting on Sunday with my doulas to discuss options and strategies. Fucking hell.

Right decision

I am getting more comfortable with my one month delay, or my June cycle as I should probably start thinking about it! Especially since my drugs will not be delivered until next Thursday and my period is likely to start before that.  On top of which, the frozen eggs have not yet been moved (although I've just paid for that, budget update below).  So, all in all, the right decision for sure. Perhaps because of that, it feels less frustrating.  Or maybe I'm just getting used to it.

Budget update:

Previous total	£12378
Courier for frozen eggs	£210
New total	£12588

Not much else to report.  I've had to buy some new conception vitamins as my original six month supply is on it's last sheet.  I haven't been to acupuncture for a while.  Mainly this is because the schedule that they do clinic times and my schedule haven't worked out very well.  I'm also not completely convinced that it does much of anything at all.  But I may look into starting it up again, or trying a different practitioner.  I just feel like I take enough time off work for doctor appointments, I am loathe to take off more time just for acupuncture.  Instead I'm going back to yoga, which I also had a small break from.  But maybe I'll give acupuncture another go this upcoming month in preparation.  I like it, but it just has to fit my schedule at this point.

I'm also trying to take care of some other health issues which means I feel like I'm seriously at various appointments all the time.  I've had ongoing issues with my foot from an injury last year which may now be a life-long sort of injury/issue.  I'm also trying to get a proper eye test because I think I might need glasses while at work.  This has meant trips to GP, hospital, and eye doctor - on top of fertility appointments (for example next week's 'info session' and counseling appointment). Getting old sucks!

I think I'm just going to try to enjoy this month and take care of various things.  Last month I took advantage of the break and enjoyed myself by indulging in some naughty treats.  I think I'll cut back on my alcohol though.  Last month I had a lot of opportunities to drink but I know it's considered good practice while trying to conceive that you lay off alcohol and caffeine.  I might as well get back into the groove.

IUI 2 - Day 5

Got the call from the clinic late yesterday that my blood results were good so I was all set to start injecting for cycle 2.  Yesterday and tonight I do 150 Gonal F and then it drops to 75.  My next scan is Friday.  Like last time, I suspect the trigger will be Monday.  In fact, I think I'm on the same basic schedule?

The one thing that's driving me nuts is that I'm still sick.  The flu I had a couple of weeks ago has settled into some sort of head/sinus infection.  My ears are blocked, I'm blowing out fluorescent snot and I'm coughing a lot.  This is all bad timing and I don't know how this low-grade illness effects my fertility chances.  I'm sure it's not helping.

I have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow afternoon which conflicts with something in my diary which is frustrating.  I need to see if I can get that changed and then work from home the rest of the afternoon.  It should be okay.  Just a stressful period which is not helped by this never ending illness.

On the other hand, I'm sure I'm not doing myself any favors by doing all the things I would otherwise want to do which has involved travelling around the country a bit, going to a workshop last night, and going to a concert tonight.

Bleh.

One Cycle Ends, Another Begins

So I took the clinic pregnancy test on Friday and it was negative.  Additionally, my period basically started on the Thursday night, so cycle one was unsuccessful.  On the plus side, with my period not starting until Friday really, this was perfect timing to start the new cycle. 

I called my clinic on Friday morning because they ask you to report the result of the pregnancy test, plus, I wanted to immediately get going on IUI 2.  This would require me to order the drugs so they are ready for me on Monday.  Unfortunately, no one answered the phone at my clinic and I was forced to leave a message detailing the result of the pregnancy test, and my intentions to start cycle 2.  By 3pm, no one had called me back and I was about to go into a 2-hour meeting which meant I couldn't get in touch with them until Monday.  So with 5 minutes to my meeting I managed to get through and schedule a scan for Monday morning.  However, there wasn't enough time to get the drug order sorted.  The nurse indicated I would be able to buy the Gonal-F at the clinic on Monday.  I really hope this is the case and it's not somehow more expensive for the inconvenience.  Because it's not my fault they were too busy to get to their phone messages.

In the meantime, I've recently read It Starts with the Egg which was recommended on some of the forums I'm now frequenting.  It was an interesting read and has made me think about making a few changes to my current routine.  I was already taking conception vitamins but I think I'm going to add some CoQ10 to my routine.  I'm also looking at replacing some of the plastic food storage containers I use with glass to help reduce my exposure to BPA.  I figure that these are things I can do relatively easily, and that are not going to hurt me.  Similar to acupuncture.  There is a lot of discussion online about DHEA and in this instance I would not start taking it without my clinic's approval and probably some testing.

So how am I feeling with one failed cycle?  Disappointed of course.  Although I started to address that as my negative pregnancy tests kept coming in so that the final one wasn't such a shock.  Maybe a little bit panicked based on how much money I have and how long I feel I can realistically give this a try.  I found myself thinking I should go straight to the frozen eggs and stop fucking around.  I'm pretty sure this was a direct response to feeling like it's just not going to work with my current 'old' eggs due to this cycle not working.  But those eggs are not going anywhere and my current eggs could work.  I think I need to try one more IUI as planned, and then one fresh IVF and then see how all that goes.  If the clinic suggests going to the frozen at that point, then fine.  But it won't be a knee-jerk reaction to things not going as desired.

It's entirely possible that this is going to be an expensive year that doesn't result in a baby at all.  But it's far too early in the process to be thinking that way.  One failed IUI which only had a 6% success rate is not the thing to be basing the entire journey on.  And hey, based on my very poor understanding of how to add odds, by doing two IUI, each at a 6% success rate, the chance of one of them working is 12%, so that's a bit more hopeful for the second one, huh?

TWW 1 - Day 7 and flu is a great distraction

So it's one week today from my IUI and I'm at home for the second day after coming down with some sort of horrid flu/cold on Saturday which has completely taken me out of commission.  Of course my very first problem was that I was not able to turn to my trusted drugs of choice.  In fact I was convinced I could take no drugs at all and I wasn't in a good enough state to do any google research.  Just looking at my phone was difficult.  So I sweated it out with a reasonably high fever for a day and a half.  Then I managed to text/talk to a good friend who has done numerous fertility treatments and is well versed in all things pregnancy.  She said I could take some Tylenol.  So I started taking half dose Tylenol which I think helped a little.  But still, I've been so sick that I'm not at work.

I think I'll go tomorrow, but instead of cycling in I might take a taxi.  Especially if it's still raining like it is today.  Part of the reason is that I have a progesterone test scheduled with my GP to ensure ovulation occurred.  I mean, I took a trigger shot, so there's no real reason to think ovulation didn't occur.  But that's fine. It's a good excuse to go back to work.

I will say that being dreadfully ill was a good way not to obsess about whether I might be pregnant or not.  It was also a good way to lose half a stone in two days from barely eating.  I wouldn't say I'd recommend it in principle.

Of course now that I'm feeling better I'm convinced that I can't possibly be pregnant.  I don't feel anything, or rather, I'm feeling the after effects of having been ill and I don't notice anything that might be a pregnancy feeling.  Two people who knew that I was trying this cycle gently asked if it might be morning sickness.  All I have to say is, that if morning sickness was anything like that, no one would get pregnant ever.  Seriously.  But no.  My landlords are here and they both got sick one after the other and then me.  The virus took us out one at a time but it was clearly that and not anything else.

Then of course I also worry that having gotten sick in this critical time it would ruin any chance of actually getting pregnant or somehow interfere.  Not there there would have been anything I could have done otherwise.  I did manage to drag myself to acupuncture on Saturday, which could have been a mistake.  But I wanted to complete the treatment for this cycle.  My acupuncturist was very positive about my pregnancy chances, but then what is she going to say?  She also said that lots of women get colds and flues when pregnant which I do think I've read a bit about so maybe although it's miserable for me it doesn't have much to do with the pregnancy chances.  At any rate, my feelings on acupuncture are still much the same in that I'm not convinced it really does anything, but I know it doesn't hurt me.  So it's fine to add it to the mix.  I guess the thing is, right now I'm sort of sure I'm not pregnant.  But I do have an entire other week of waiting. 

When I was sick I wasn't really eating so I wasn't taking my per-conception vitamins but I've managed to get back on that today. I'm sure that 3 days missed is not going to be the end of the world.  Especially as I'd been good about taking them somewhat regularly.  When I go back to work there should be a delivery of some pregnancy tests that I ordered online.  The clinic only gave me one which they want me to do on the 11th even though my period is due on the 9th.  From some of my internet reading it suggests you could start testing a bit earlier and I'm not sure I can wait all that long.  So I bought some tests to give me the option.  This will also let me 'save' the one the clinic gave me for the right day without the urge to use it sooner.

I think I've had some new readers stop by from the Donor Conception Network single women's mailer.  If so, welcome and do feel free to start up a dialogue on the comments.  I've really only just started engaging with forums although I've been thinking about this and reading up on it for some time.  I've learned some interesting things from the SMC forums related to donor sperm which perhaps would have been useful before I made my choice, but then again, maybe not.  I might reflect on that in a later post.

Meanwhile, I'm off to make more lemon/ginger/honey tea.

TWW 1 - Day 3

How can it only be day 3?  This is ridiculous.  My brain has scrambled over all of the possible permutations and my emotions are being tossed about like a little dinghy on a rough sea.  What if I am?  What if I'm not?  Of course I'm not.  I'll probably never be.  What if I am?  Repeat.

I've joined a couple of forum/discussion group things which are both helpful and unhelpful.  Unhelpful because I now see a cadre of women pursuing single motherhood; and, because of how the boards are broken down I'm in the 'Trying to Conceive' group.  Once a woman is pregnant, she may move to the pregnancy discussion boards.  This means the women in 'Trying to Conceive' are all, well, trying to conceive.  And that some have been at it for quite some time.  I see women who have had 6 IUI or more and numerous IVF attempts and frozen embryo transfers.  This is perhaps a bit disheartening as I've only had one measly IUI.  Of course those who have moved on may not have as many tries, but they aren't on the boards I'm tending to read at the moment.

Then in reading older posts, I saw someone had posted a link to an article that talks about how after you turn 35, the likelihood of embryos with abnormal chromosomal numbers increased regularly.  So of course since I'm 41 this was also disheartening and made me think that there is simply no chance that this is going to work at all.

But then I was on Facebook and I saw that a number of people I know who are similarly aged to me have babies.  So it's not so unusual among my peer group to be late 30's, early 40's and be having your first child.

As I said, this is only day 3 for fuck's sake.

I'm already trying to determine how it will work to immediately start the next cycle.  According to the clinic, my period is due on the 9th of March (if it's coming).  They want me to take a pregnancy test regardless of bleeding on the 11th of March.  I am unfortunately away from home on the 10th, 11th, and 12th.  This means that it may not be possible for me to arrange a drug delivery in time, or go for my first scan in time to start the next cycle for March.  If my period comes later than the 9th, for example on the 10th or 11th, I could go for a scan on Monday the 14th which will be day 4 or 5 of that cycle.  I could also call in advance so the drugs are delivered to my office on that Monday and be set to inject that evening.  However, if my period starts on the 9th, Monday will be day 6 and I think this is too late for the first scan, although obviously I will check with the clinic.  So I'm hoping that, assuming this cycle has not been successful, my period sticks to it's somewhat longer schedule and comes a bit later in that week and not earlier as I don't really want to delay by a month.  But obviously I will if I have to.

Wouldn't it all be so much easier (for any number of reasons) if this first cycle actually worked?  Wouldn't that be amazing??

But, it probably hasn't.

IUI 1 - Day 11 Scan, Trigger (I think)

I'm waiting for the clinic to call me with the timings for what should be my trigger shot this evening, and the time for my IUI procedure tomorrow morning/early afternoon.  It's almost 3pm and I'm still waiting.... frustrating.

The scan this morning was fine.  I've been feeling some crampy 'fullness' in my right side which is the side my ovary is on.  I don't usually get pre-period feelings of any kind, so it's been a bit weird to feel my right side, particularly as this isn't really a stimulation cycle like it was for egg freezing.  Here there's only one good follicle. So why all the pressure??  Maybe it's just the drugs working.

At any rate, the scan showed my uterine lining continuing to grow as desired and a straight line growth of the one good follicle which was at 14mm on Friday and is now 18/19mm this morning.  The nurse said this means my trigger should be tonight and the IUI tomorrow.  We went through how to mix up the Pregnyl which is a bit fussy.  You have to snap tiny glass vials and do the whole powder/water mixing thing.  I asked why they use Pregnyl instead of Ovitrelle and the nurse said that based on their very limited numbers, they had better results with Pregnyl.  So that was good enough for me!  Even if it does come in an easier to use syringe.  I'm sure it will be fine.  If I think about it, I might take pictures of these teeny tiny vials.

The main thing I'm waiting to hear other than the timings for things is whether I need to do one injection of the Pregnyl or two.  This is based on my blood test results.  This time it took her two tries to get the blood out.  The first time she went for the same vein that the nurse went for on Friday so in order to hit a different spot on it she went higher, but no luck. So she ended up going for the same spot on the second try and it gave up the goods.  Hopefully I don't have to give any more blood tomorrow.

I had my second acupuncture appointment on Saturday which went well.  It was very similar to the first one with needles in my abdomen, right ear, arms, hands, calves, and feet.  She again did the warming trick with the needles and put a heat light on my feet.  I managed to doze off during the treatment so that's probably a good thing!

I have very low expectations for this procedure, as in, I do not expect it to work at all.  Of course I will be very disappointed when it doesn't, but right now I feel that it won't.  Which will also mean I'll be scared shitless if it does!  It's really impossible not to think about it and have hopes and worries as you go along.  Minute by minute or second by second even.  I'm trying to just stay sane and go with the flow.  I'm going to have to wait two weeks to know anything at all which I'm sure will be headache inducing with how much my brain will mull it over.

I suspect the procedure tomorrow will be relatively straightforward and quick-ish.  I will write it up after the fact.  They told me that when you're scheduled to come in they defrost the sperm in advance so there's no waiting around.  They also said that there is absolutely no benefit to laying down or what have you for however long.  Either you're going to get pregnant or you're not and that is not going to make a difference in the slightest.  I'm sure I'll take it easy, and may in fact take a taxi from work to the appointment and back (instead of cycling).  But it's pretty much out of my hands at this point.  Not that it particularly ever was in my hands to begin with if you think about it.

Anyway.  It's all very exciting, terrifying, and disappointing all at once at the moment.  Which seems to me to be just about normal.

IUI 1 - Day 8, Scan 2

Back from my second scan this morning.  It's a different game to egg freezing.  The nurse was very pleased with the scan where there was one growing follicle (around 14mm) and 5 sleeping baby follicles.  Of course with egg freezing, or IVF, you want all the follicles to be growing at an equal rate.  So I was a bit tense when I only saw one follicle emerging.  Of course with IUI, this is exactly what you want!  You don't want multiples because that would risk multiple babies.  The nurse was very positive about what she was looking at, so that was all good.  And my uterine lining was also as desired.  I have another scan on Monday and will continue with the 75 Gonal F injections.  I suspect Monday night or Tuesday night will trigger so Tuesday or Wednesday will be the insemination.

They also took my blood again today to ensure everything is on track and as desired.  I shouldn't get a phone call unless there's something wrong and they want to change the drug dose.  This time it only took two tries to get blood out of me.  On Monday I think I'm going to slug a large glass or two of water before cycling to the clinic.  Being a human pin cushion is not particularly amusing.

Meanwhile, my second acupuncture appointment is scheduled for tomorrow.  I've been good about taking my conception vitamins.  I've also signed up to the Single Mothers by Choice website so I can make use of the forums.  I've added a couple of links to the side of the blog and plan to add more as and when I find them useful or of interest!

IUI 1 - back in the swing

So I've had two days of injecting.  Tonight I reduce the amount from 150 to 75.  The first two injections have been fine.  I'm a little perturbed to consider that my belly is fatter than when I did the egg freezing.  I wish it wasn't so hard to lose weight!  But that is neither here nor there.

Friday morning I'll have my next scan and see what's happening with my follicles.  I did some reading today to try and better understand what's ideal in an IUI.  Apparently there's a lot of interest in both the AMH and antral follicle count.  I think I mentioned that the nurse counted 6-7 follicles on my ovary.  This is apparently in the desirable range for someone my age.  Having looked at some other blogs online, I read about women freaking out that their AMH was 3-5 and that was with two ovaries.  Also these women had lower AMH numbers to me. So I'm feeling relatively okay about my general fertility level for my age.

I saw another statistic for IUI today which said my chances were not 5% but 6%!  So that's obviously much better. I also read something else that said that pretty much every woman officially trying thinks she might be pregnant the first go out and usually isn't.  And of course there's that statistic about 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage.  It's all ups and downs and obviously it's all just on my mind.

I've also been thinking about finances and budgets.  So I'll update the budget in a moment.  Mostly I'm thinking about the high cost of child care (not to mention things a child might need).  The nursery close to my house costs £200/week for full nursery care.  So let's just call that £1000/month.  I may qualify for some minimal tax relief, but not much.  So where will this money come from?  I know child minders are less expensive.  Still, it's daunting.  If I somehow get pregnant on one of the first... let's say 3 tries., then I'll have enough money saved for a year and a half of child care.  Of course in that time I'll also be trying not to use that money so I'm sure it can stretch to twice as far.  Still, pretty scary stuff.  I know people make it work, and I'm definitely going to rely on hand-me-downs and support from my family.  Still, having a child is no small undertaking, and one I'm not attempting lightly.

I did manage to see the new acupuncturist on Saturday and have an appointment for this upcoming Saturday as well.  I pretty much think that other than sticking needles in you, every acupuncturist you see does it differently.  This is the third I've been to in my life and it was different from the first two which were different from each other.  Overall I thought it was okay though.  I've decided not to include the cost of acupuncture as that's obviously completely optional.  Similarly the conception vitamins and things like that just aren't worth accounting for in the budget.  I do tell myself when spending money on them though, that they are worth coming out of the overall budget.  but obviously that's a choice.  The current budget is:

Previous total	£4834
IUI Inclusive Fee	£638
New total	£5472

I was talking to my mother on the phone about the baby plan and explaining what I thought I could afford (2 IUI, 3 fresh IVF, then go to the frozen eggs).  And she was like, "So what do you think that's going to be, like £10,000?" and I just laughed at her.  "No mom, try £30,000".  It's really not something you undertake lightly at all unless you are made of money, which I am not.  I can only hold out hope that I don't blow through all the money trying to get pregnant.  Of course I could blow through all the money and not get pregnant at all.  Pretty crazy when you think about it!

IUI 1 - First scan scheduled

I am feeling a little bit less freaked out than I was yesterday.  Though still not entirely comfortable.  My period is not being very helpful this month.  Yesterday I had the barest bit of color and today it seems much the same.  No 'full flow' as it were.  I called the clinic and they said that they want the first scan to be between day 1-4 and that it really needs to be once full flow has started.  So they scheduled me for first thing Monday morning.  If my period starts in full tomorrow, this would still be day 4.  The nurse reassured me that there is a problem starting too early, not too late, so Monday would be fine.  I am of course now concerned that Monday is late somehow.  Funny how the brain works.

In other news, after my panic yesterday I did try to talk (text) a friend of mine who has been through years of fertility issues.  I was not particularly happy with how she responded to me.  Very terse and dismissive.  Of course I've supported her through her years of ups and downs.  With her experience, you'd think she might have been a bit more sympathetic.  It just means I can't really rely on her for talking which sort of sucks.  I also briefly mentioned my emotional state to the boyfriend.  To his credit he handled it well.  I'm trying to keep him in the loop and not put too much on him, as I said, he's barely processing his own emotions about it.  But he did okay.

I'm also trying to set up some acupuncture appointments.  I'm a bit late to the game here and I should have started earlier.  I could go for one today but I'd have to leave work early.  The next available appointment is next Saturday which is perhaps a bit late for it to be in any way effective this cycle, for as effective as acupuncture is.  Unless I go somewhere else of course.  I had some good experiences with it during egg freezing and I'm keen to do it again because I think it can't hurt and if it helps, great.  So we'll see how that goes.  At least I'm being reasonably good at taking my conception vitamins at the moment!  I can't say I'm the best at 'all the things you should do when trying to conceive'.  I'm trying.

Tick Tock

So my period ended up coming particularly early while I was away- I think on 28 days.  So definitely starting this month was a no-go.  However, that means February is looking good and everything is now in place to try.  The donor sperm is at the clinic and I've been delivered my drugs for the first IUI cycle.  This includes a 900iu Gonal F pen and 2 Pregnyl which I've not used before.  It looks like the Pregnyl is an intramuscular injection which may be a challenge on my own but I'll find out more at my first scan which should be on day 1 or 2 of my next period, due mid-Feb.

This week I also had to go to the GP to get my virals retested.  This was HIV and Hepatitis B & C screenings.  Apparently whilst  undergoing treatment these need to be within 3 months current which seems excessive.  I showed up at the GP and they were frankly confused because my tests were in date but no, I had to have those again.  Luckily the GP covered it.  I suppose they could get annoyed if this continues and make me pay for it, I can't imagine it's all that much by comparison.

The drug delivery came via Healthcare at Home which if you were at all a reader of my egg freezing blog you will know has the best pricing around on fertility drugs.  Or at least they did two years ago and I have no particular reason to think this has changed.  So new budget:

Previous total	£4454
900iu Gonal F and 2 Pregnyl	£380
New total	£4834

The drug delivery had to be to work which was a little bit annoying but they didn't have a Saturday delivery slot.  It came in a massive cool box which was all very well packaged.  Pretty much discreetly except it said 'laminarmedica' on the side.  The 'medica' part is somewhat obviously 'medical' and it would certainly be recognizable to someone else going through the same.  In fact there is a woman in my group who has suffered from fertility challenges and I was particularly concerned with upsetting her.  I hope I didn't, and she didn't say.  Hopefully in the future I can get the drugs delivered to home.  Of course there's the possibility I may not need any more drugs, but I honestly don't believe that will happen.  On the other hand, it would be wrong of me not to acknowledge it could happen.

So the next thing is to wait.  When my period arrives, I will call the clinic and they will fit me in for a scan either that day or day 2.  They'll let me know what I should start injecting and when I should come back for the next scan and we'll be set to try the first IUI.  I'll also pay for the IUI on that day so will update the budget accordingly and detail what's included later.

Otherwise I need to get much better at being regular about taking my conception vitamins and I'm looking to get some acupuncture appointments set up as well.  Need to lay off the alcohol and caffeine, not that I have particularly much of either to begin with.  Already on a vague healthy eating kick, mostly due to trying to reduce my meat consumption (although I'm not a vegetarian).  I still find this whole thing a little bit surreal.  While I was away (visiting a dear friend with two small children, 3.5 and 1.5) it was very easy to be excited about this journey and look forward to trying.  Now that I'm back in my life though, it just doesn't seem entirely real.  I have so many other things going on and to do.  Part of me is still excited and hopeful, and then the other part is more cautious and whispers that I may not get pregnant anyway after all the trying.  So I guess I end up not wanting to think about it too much at all lest I get either depressed or anxious.  This doesn't stop my progress on my plans, but it does put me in a rather strange state of mind where this is something I'm obviously completely committed to, but then try not to think about it too much in the moment.

That may be challenged and it may become a bit more prominent once the cycle is underway however.  Probably.