I wrote this as a response to someone else on the SMC forum. This comes up a lot for me, this idea of one child or two. I liked what I wrote so I thought I'd put it here as part of this story.
I went into becoming a single mother thinking I would only have one. My 'dream Plan A' of finding a partner included having 2, but when I reduced that dream to the Plan B just me, I also reduced the child count to account for it. Not that this makes sense to anyone else necessarily, but I sort of felt like, two parents to two kids is a replacement one for one in an overpopulated world, and so one to one just made sense to me.
I'm an only child, and I really don't remember minding being an only child and now as an independent adult, I really don't mind being an only child at all. I think every individual person is so different, you can't know what a person will feel or want in terms of their relationships or 'how they'll feel about things' that they have or don't have. You also don't know if two children will have a great sibling bond, or a horrid sibling bond. I know people with both, and as I don't have any myself, I don't romanticize it either way. I think it's a crap shoot be honest.
So with me being so sure I wanted one, why have I felt conflicted? The online SMC forums. Peer pressure. That's it. I've posted about it before in other places. It never occurred to me to want another child, until I was suddenly faced with lots of people both here and in real life from my mum and baby groups that do. Suddenly, oh the pressure!!! The doubt!! I can afford my one child and we can have a good life together where I can give her enriching experiences and we can enjoy travel and other such things together. I do not have the capacity to live that life with two children. I would need to live an entirely different life with two children, simply for the sake of having two children. And when I think very hard about the type of life -I- want to live, it is very much the one with one child, not two.
But I still feel pressure. It's very real and tangible. It doesn't mean I actually want 2. I'm not sure what it means exactly. But I know when I take MJ to swim class, that there would be no way I could take another child to swim class. So she'd have to give up hers, and I couldn't offer that to another child. I know I can just about afford nursery fees for one, but I'd be stretched and either sucking down my savings or going in to debt to pay for nursery for 2. The knock on effect would be, I couldn't jaunt off to Denmark next week to see a friend if I had two. I couldn't afford it, and probably couldn't manage it (I'm taking a travel cot for one, but two??). I look ahead and think about maybe private school and music lessons and other classes/lessons and more travel and whatever else and I know that lifestyle is predicated on my one child.
And when I think about her, and me and her together, my heart is so full and I think our relationship is so special, I am actually satisfied. And I think that's important- that I am actually satisfied with what I have.
Because it means when I feel that pressure, and nagging guilt, that I really have to think about why I'm feeling it. It's not because I'm not fulfilled. And as I said, I don't have strong feelings about siblings either way, so I don't think MJ is going to have a worse life without a sibling. So what is it? It's just this other thing of expectation and pressure and external society and a bit of 'keeping up with the Jonses' and it's not really about what I actually want at all. It's more about what I somewhere in some part of my head think I should be doing. Except I really don't.
It doesn't make it less real however. And it means I'm never entirely comfortable even though from the start I really only wanted one. I still pay storage on my 3 embryos, 7 eggs, and 3 vials of sperm and I honestly don't know what I want to do with them. I may try to donate the eggs and embryos in the future. But I also probably hold on to them a little bit to make the decision a little less final. Even though I'm 98% sure I'm a one and done mom.
Showing posts with label embryo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label embryo. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
Monday, June 6, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 29 6dp6dt
Another day, another negative. I am finding this wait much harder than the IUI wait because I know there was a fertilized embryo there. With IUI you don't know if the sperm ever met the egg, if it fertilized or what. But this is different. And definitely more difficult.
Online reading is unhelpful. A lot of women get early results, so start to see things as early as 9 days past ovulation (or in my case, 3dp6dt, and the first day I tested). On the forum I'm on, this was the case for one of the women who started to see positives pretty fast (4dp5dt). This of course makes me feel particularly negative by comparison. However, my friend who was once pregnant with twins said she only got a super faint line the day she was supposed to test. Although I don't know if that was the first day she tested or the first time she got a positive test. But looking online, it does seem a lot of people still only start to see a positive day 14/15/16 (16 is my official test). I could also look to the fact that everything about my body seems to go slower than average- longer stimulation time, longer embryo development time. So maybe longer hCG buildup time?
Still, the waiting is awful. I'm also not pleased that it's not standard in the UK to do a beta hCG blood test which is apparently completely common in North America for people doing fertility treatments. I can understand not doing it for IUI because the odds are much lower. But with an embryo transfer, you know that something went in. Even if it was an add-on, how much would that blood test cost? I can't believe it would cost very much and I would totally pay for it. Actually I'm going to see if my GP will let me pay for it. I have no idea if you can pay your GP to do a blood test they wouldn't usually cover, but again, how much could that possibly be?
I don't know. My period hasn't arrived either, which would obviously be a big sign. Although this is day 29, and that would be early for my period. My last cycle was particularly late I think. So it's not currently a useful indicator. It's also not clear if the progesterone/Cyclogest might delay your period. I don't think it delays it indefinitely but it could set it back, so again, not helpful.
For the record, I still think in my heart I'm not pregnant, I would just really like to know something for sure so I can move on from this place.
Now I really wish I'd tested out the trigger shot, just to see if those sticks work. I could give in to the madness and go buy a better pregnancy test at lunch. I don't know why I find that a problematic choice when it seems to clearly be what I should go do.
Online reading is unhelpful. A lot of women get early results, so start to see things as early as 9 days past ovulation (or in my case, 3dp6dt, and the first day I tested). On the forum I'm on, this was the case for one of the women who started to see positives pretty fast (4dp5dt). This of course makes me feel particularly negative by comparison. However, my friend who was once pregnant with twins said she only got a super faint line the day she was supposed to test. Although I don't know if that was the first day she tested or the first time she got a positive test. But looking online, it does seem a lot of people still only start to see a positive day 14/15/16 (16 is my official test). I could also look to the fact that everything about my body seems to go slower than average- longer stimulation time, longer embryo development time. So maybe longer hCG buildup time?
Still, the waiting is awful. I'm also not pleased that it's not standard in the UK to do a beta hCG blood test which is apparently completely common in North America for people doing fertility treatments. I can understand not doing it for IUI because the odds are much lower. But with an embryo transfer, you know that something went in. Even if it was an add-on, how much would that blood test cost? I can't believe it would cost very much and I would totally pay for it. Actually I'm going to see if my GP will let me pay for it. I have no idea if you can pay your GP to do a blood test they wouldn't usually cover, but again, how much could that possibly be?
I don't know. My period hasn't arrived either, which would obviously be a big sign. Although this is day 29, and that would be early for my period. My last cycle was particularly late I think. So it's not currently a useful indicator. It's also not clear if the progesterone/Cyclogest might delay your period. I don't think it delays it indefinitely but it could set it back, so again, not helpful.
For the record, I still think in my heart I'm not pregnant, I would just really like to know something for sure so I can move on from this place.
Now I really wish I'd tested out the trigger shot, just to see if those sticks work. I could give in to the madness and go buy a better pregnancy test at lunch. I don't know why I find that a problematic choice when it seems to clearly be what I should go do.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 28 5dp6dt
Three days of testing, three negative tests. Still early for sure, but getting less early. I was in the pharmacy yesterday and was tempted to buy a brand name early response test as opposed to my eBay sticks. In the end I didn't, mainly because they had a buy one get one free but only one left. I might go back today to see if they restocked, or I could just keep doing what I'm doing. The outcome won't change, although my awareness might.
I feel nothing at all physically. The progesterone/cyclogest is going fine and I've taken them regularly, 8am & 8pm. The vaginal itching seems to have subsided, thankfully!!
Based on nothing but three too early tests and a lack of feeling anything physical at all, I think the transfer didn't stick and I am not pregnant. But I will obviously keep going, with the official clinic provided test on Friday. Just starting to prepare mentally for the disappointment. At least I have three embryos on ice.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 23 Transfer complete
Back from the clinic. The transfer went very smoothly with minimal discomfort. I got a few blurry pictures of the blastocyst on the screen before the transfer. I may try to get one of those off the phone and onto here later. The procedure itself was relatively simple. I changed into a hospital gown, went to the treatment room, hopped up on the table. They cleaned me and inserted a speculum, cleaned the cervix and then put a catheter just through the cervix. Then they let the embryology team know they are ready and the embryologist loads a small catheter with the embryo and solution. This is then threaded through the catheter in the womb opening and further up into the uterus. The plunger is depressed and you can actually see a little white spot on the ultrasound forming where the fluid (and embryo) come out. The catheters are then removed. The embryologist then thoroughly checks their catheter to ensure that the embryo didn't get stuck to it anywhere (as they're very sticky at this stage) and if you're given the all clear then they remove the speculum and that's it. I was given the all clear. They did warn me that sometimes the embryo gets stuck and they have to reload it and do it again, but luckily that didn't happen.
In the end, I decided to transfer the one blastocyst from the frozen egg. It had actually been the second best blastocyst (I got that wrong) in the morning but by noon, it was the same quality as the other that emerged faster. Both were already hatching, so that was all promising. The reason I decided on one was due to the risk factors of multiples and also that the success rate chances for the frozen egg is better because it's younger. If it doesn't take and I need to do a frozen embryo transfer, then I may rethink the strategy of how many I put back.
Because.... the two slow emergers from this morning developed into full good quality blastocysts by the afternoon!! Completely unexpected! I was really shocked by this news. So in the end, with 8 fresh eggs collected and 2 frozen eggs successfully thawed, I ended up with 4 good quality blastocysts; 1 from the frozen eggs and 3 from the fresh. Those are pretty good statistics so I'm very happy with the numbers. Of course I'll be even more happy with a successful pregnancy, but it seems like a good starting point. So if this transfer doesn't work, I have 3 embryos to work with. All in all, a good result.
The clinic gave me a pregnancy test and said that I need to test in 10 days. I will of course be peeing on sticks well before that. If today is day 6, then the earliest you could get a pregnancy read is day 8/9. So I'll give it a few days and probably start testing in the morning like I did before. Until the 'right' day when I will use the test they gave me.
So that's where I'm at. Exciting and terrifying. As usual.
In the end, I decided to transfer the one blastocyst from the frozen egg. It had actually been the second best blastocyst (I got that wrong) in the morning but by noon, it was the same quality as the other that emerged faster. Both were already hatching, so that was all promising. The reason I decided on one was due to the risk factors of multiples and also that the success rate chances for the frozen egg is better because it's younger. If it doesn't take and I need to do a frozen embryo transfer, then I may rethink the strategy of how many I put back.
Because.... the two slow emergers from this morning developed into full good quality blastocysts by the afternoon!! Completely unexpected! I was really shocked by this news. So in the end, with 8 fresh eggs collected and 2 frozen eggs successfully thawed, I ended up with 4 good quality blastocysts; 1 from the frozen eggs and 3 from the fresh. Those are pretty good statistics so I'm very happy with the numbers. Of course I'll be even more happy with a successful pregnancy, but it seems like a good starting point. So if this transfer doesn't work, I have 3 embryos to work with. All in all, a good result.
The clinic gave me a pregnancy test and said that I need to test in 10 days. I will of course be peeing on sticks well before that. If today is day 6, then the earliest you could get a pregnancy read is day 8/9. So I'll give it a few days and probably start testing in the morning like I did before. Until the 'right' day when I will use the test they gave me.
So that's where I'm at. Exciting and terrifying. As usual.
IVF 1 - Day 23 6 Day report and transfer
So the good news is that two of the morulas have emerged to be good blastocysts. One is from one of the frozen eggs (the leading blastocyst rated good/very good which is partially emerging/hatching) and the other is from the fresh collection (rated good/good). Two more emerged but have yet to re-inflate so are considered slow growers and perhaps not good for freezing. Two failed to emerge. This means I am going for a transfer today!
When I was speaking to the embryologist this morning she dropped into our conversation something about transferring two. I have been reasonably comfortable with the idea of transferring one. I was a bit surprised that she assumed I would transfer two as my clinic is very much against increasing the risk of multiples and makes a big deal about transferring one. So I am struck with a conundrum. Do I transfer one or two? I can wait until the transfer to decide which is exactly 2 hours away. I texted a good friend of mine who has undergone many many IVF cycles (15?). Her first pregnancy was with twins and it did not end happily. It was a complicated pregnancy (she is tiny) where she delivered prematurely. One of the babies had problems and was in the NICU for months before finally succumbing to his issues. While she's been very aggressive about fertility treatment, she says that she would never suggest to anyone to put back more than one now.
The balance is this - as you get older, your chance of successful live birth go down rapidly due to non-viability issues. If they transfer two, your risk of multiples goes up. Basically you are playing a game with weighing the risk of multiples against increasing your chances for one healthy baby. If you do one at a time, you are looking at financial, time, and emotional costs. If you transfer two, you run the risk of a multiple pregnancy which is higher risk and could result in various complications including increasing your chance of miscarriage. Basically, for women under 38 they only recommend one but as you get older, the viability issue creeps up and up making it balance out to suggest that they are more comfortable with two.
I have the added complication that the leading embryo is not from 41 year old me but from 38 or 39 year old me, so right on the cusp. Maybe if it was two 41 year old embryos, I'd feel differently. But I'm nervous. I do not want twins. I am prepared to raise a single child. I will obviously make due if I get identical twins. But I do not need to do anything to increase my risks of multiples because it would make life incredibly difficult.
So I'm leaning towards the one and freezing the other. The clinic says they have a 90-95% success rate with thawing embryos, so it's very likely that if this one doesn't take I can do a frozen embryo transfer. If that one doesn't take, I can do all of this over again. It's not like I have so many embryos to freeze. We're talking about one frozen embryo transfer before I'd have to start anew if this one doesn't take.
So I think I'm leaning towards transferring the one, but I will definitely talk to the doctor when I'm at the clinic later to make the final decision. I'm not against it if they think it's a very good idea. But I definitely do not want to increase my risk of twins by much at all.
Very excited about the transfer today. Still can't really believe it. Still very nervous that it's just going to be negative results. Trying not to be too hopeful but maintain positivity.
When I was speaking to the embryologist this morning she dropped into our conversation something about transferring two. I have been reasonably comfortable with the idea of transferring one. I was a bit surprised that she assumed I would transfer two as my clinic is very much against increasing the risk of multiples and makes a big deal about transferring one. So I am struck with a conundrum. Do I transfer one or two? I can wait until the transfer to decide which is exactly 2 hours away. I texted a good friend of mine who has undergone many many IVF cycles (15?). Her first pregnancy was with twins and it did not end happily. It was a complicated pregnancy (she is tiny) where she delivered prematurely. One of the babies had problems and was in the NICU for months before finally succumbing to his issues. While she's been very aggressive about fertility treatment, she says that she would never suggest to anyone to put back more than one now.
The balance is this - as you get older, your chance of successful live birth go down rapidly due to non-viability issues. If they transfer two, your risk of multiples goes up. Basically you are playing a game with weighing the risk of multiples against increasing your chances for one healthy baby. If you do one at a time, you are looking at financial, time, and emotional costs. If you transfer two, you run the risk of a multiple pregnancy which is higher risk and could result in various complications including increasing your chance of miscarriage. Basically, for women under 38 they only recommend one but as you get older, the viability issue creeps up and up making it balance out to suggest that they are more comfortable with two.
I have the added complication that the leading embryo is not from 41 year old me but from 38 or 39 year old me, so right on the cusp. Maybe if it was two 41 year old embryos, I'd feel differently. But I'm nervous. I do not want twins. I am prepared to raise a single child. I will obviously make due if I get identical twins. But I do not need to do anything to increase my risks of multiples because it would make life incredibly difficult.
So I'm leaning towards the one and freezing the other. The clinic says they have a 90-95% success rate with thawing embryos, so it's very likely that if this one doesn't take I can do a frozen embryo transfer. If that one doesn't take, I can do all of this over again. It's not like I have so many embryos to freeze. We're talking about one frozen embryo transfer before I'd have to start anew if this one doesn't take.
So I think I'm leaning towards transferring the one, but I will definitely talk to the doctor when I'm at the clinic later to make the final decision. I'm not against it if they think it's a very good idea. But I definitely do not want to increase my risk of twins by much at all.
Very excited about the transfer today. Still can't really believe it. Still very nervous that it's just going to be negative results. Trying not to be too hopeful but maintain positivity.
Monday, May 30, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 22 5 day report
The short version: the transfer will hopefully be tomorrow, another day of waiting ahead.
The longer version:
So this morning I was waiting for the phone call. It didn't come at 9am so I started to get nervous. I think the phone finally rant around 9:30. It seemed like forever. I was particularly feeling anxious because another woman on the SMC forum who was trying this month had 6 day 3 embryos that all arrested on day 4. So I knew that this could happen, and I was worried I was going to get a call that said there was nothing to come in for.
The embryologist called to tell me that all six zygotes were successfully given laser assisted hatcing on Saturday, and all six have transformed into morulas. A morula is a transformational stage where the embryo moves from a collection of equal cells to differentiated cells. Not all embryos emerge out of the morula stage, so it could still be that tomorrow there is nothing. The embryologist was cautiously hopeful though that all 6 made it to morula stage; he said that he didn't expect them all to reach even that far. So it's not great, because it means they're all a bit slow, but it's also not bad. Yet. So, more waiting.
This weekend I've been feeling somewhat emotional. I don't know if it's due to hormones or what. My friend came to visit Saturday/Sunday and brought her 22 month old son. We had a good time, and I enjoyed having them here but I started to wonder what I'm getting myself into. On the one hand it all seems reasonable, and then on the other hand it's completely overwhelming and terrifying. I know that it is probably overwhelming and terrifying for everyone who has a child, single parent or no. Still, I just felt emotional about it. Am I really prepared for this? Am I really capable of doing it? I think these fears are normal. I'm not overly worried about it, I just had a surge for some reason.
I also think that I might enjoy the baby stage, and I may enjoy post potty training, but I may not love the toddler stage. I could be wrong. And I assume everything is always different when it's your kid. It's one thing to have a strange child in my home getting into everything versus a child who lives here who is used to my home and for whom the home is properly arranged. I mean, your own kids for sure get into everything, but your life shapes around their presence in it. Dropping a child into your life is a little bit different.
I think I've also been a bit grumpy because I think the Cyclogest/progesterone is making me have swelling and itching in the privates. Really not enjoying that. The swelling has gone down a bit, but the itching flares back up. I read online that this can be a side effect, especially for women taking it vaginally. I'm not, but I'm sure it's related. Some of the online posters suggested getting some Canesten cream for the itch. If I'm lucky enough to have a transfer tomorrow, then I think I'll also ask about this.
So that's where things are. I'm feeling anxious. I will know what's happening soon enough by way of the transfer at least, and then I'll have to wait to see if I'm pregnant. And if I'm pregnant, I'll be waiting to see if I can get through the benchmarks without a miscarriage. I'm not sure anyone ever talks about this stage of trying to get pregnant or pregnancy. I'll be posting everything here, which includes if things go badly. I'm positive not enough women talk about this and by the time they announce they're pregnant, they've just kept all this to themselves. That's just not my style I guess.
The longer version:
So this morning I was waiting for the phone call. It didn't come at 9am so I started to get nervous. I think the phone finally rant around 9:30. It seemed like forever. I was particularly feeling anxious because another woman on the SMC forum who was trying this month had 6 day 3 embryos that all arrested on day 4. So I knew that this could happen, and I was worried I was going to get a call that said there was nothing to come in for.
The embryologist called to tell me that all six zygotes were successfully given laser assisted hatcing on Saturday, and all six have transformed into morulas. A morula is a transformational stage where the embryo moves from a collection of equal cells to differentiated cells. Not all embryos emerge out of the morula stage, so it could still be that tomorrow there is nothing. The embryologist was cautiously hopeful though that all 6 made it to morula stage; he said that he didn't expect them all to reach even that far. So it's not great, because it means they're all a bit slow, but it's also not bad. Yet. So, more waiting.
This weekend I've been feeling somewhat emotional. I don't know if it's due to hormones or what. My friend came to visit Saturday/Sunday and brought her 22 month old son. We had a good time, and I enjoyed having them here but I started to wonder what I'm getting myself into. On the one hand it all seems reasonable, and then on the other hand it's completely overwhelming and terrifying. I know that it is probably overwhelming and terrifying for everyone who has a child, single parent or no. Still, I just felt emotional about it. Am I really prepared for this? Am I really capable of doing it? I think these fears are normal. I'm not overly worried about it, I just had a surge for some reason.
I also think that I might enjoy the baby stage, and I may enjoy post potty training, but I may not love the toddler stage. I could be wrong. And I assume everything is always different when it's your kid. It's one thing to have a strange child in my home getting into everything versus a child who lives here who is used to my home and for whom the home is properly arranged. I mean, your own kids for sure get into everything, but your life shapes around their presence in it. Dropping a child into your life is a little bit different.
I think I've also been a bit grumpy because I think the Cyclogest/progesterone is making me have swelling and itching in the privates. Really not enjoying that. The swelling has gone down a bit, but the itching flares back up. I read online that this can be a side effect, especially for women taking it vaginally. I'm not, but I'm sure it's related. Some of the online posters suggested getting some Canesten cream for the itch. If I'm lucky enough to have a transfer tomorrow, then I think I'll also ask about this.
So that's where things are. I'm feeling anxious. I will know what's happening soon enough by way of the transfer at least, and then I'll have to wait to see if I'm pregnant. And if I'm pregnant, I'll be waiting to see if I can get through the benchmarks without a miscarriage. I'm not sure anyone ever talks about this stage of trying to get pregnant or pregnancy. I'll be posting everything here, which includes if things go badly. I'm positive not enough women talk about this and by the time they announce they're pregnant, they've just kept all this to themselves. That's just not my style I guess.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 20 3 day report
The embryologist called me this morning to report that I have 6, 3-day embryos. One of the fertilized seven seems to have stopped after a two cell split and isn't expect to go any further. Of the 6, four are very good and two are good. Interestingly, from the thawed frozen eggs, the best looking 3-day embryo is one of the frozen, but the one that stopped after dividing is the other.
I discussed with the embryologist that we will wait until day 5 for a hopeful transfer. He warned me that from these 6, I would be looking at 2-3 blastocysts comfortably, and that 4 would be an exceptional outcome. Fingers crossed there is at least one.
I plan to transfer one blastocyst if I'm lucky enough to have more than one. I really don't want multiples. If it happens on its own, that's one thing, but I don't want to increase my chances by transferring two.
The laser assisted hatching will be done later today on all of the embryos. The embryologist told me that if you do it on day 5 you risk injuring the blastocyst. On day 3, the shell or zona pellucida is still thick and easy to nick with the laser. It thins towards day 5 so becomes more difficult. It seems a fairly routine procedure so I'm not too worried about anything going wrong. Also, I asked, and it's completely fine and normal to freeze a blastocyst which has already had the assisted hatching. I'm glad they said they'd cap the cost at £250 now!! Otherwise that would have been £125 per embryo. I would have spent it of course, but I'm glad for the discount with 6 to do.
I've been feeling pretty bloated and a bit crampy since the egg retrieval. Looking online, this could also be due to starting the progesterone/Cyclogest. I'm not loving that I've got to take a suppository twice a day for what I hope is something like the next 10 weeks. I'll do it obviously, I'm just not loving it. And I hope the bloating and cramps reduce.
I'm sort of amazed when I think about it- that eggs from my body have been fertilized with sperm and there is potential life in a petri dish at the clinic. It's actually sort of hard to get my head around. You spend so long focusing on trying to conceive, it's hard to imagine the jump to the next step. I'm not there yet of course, and all of this may not work and could go horribly wrong. But a thread of me is still pretty hopeful and giddy with anticipation.
I discussed with the embryologist that we will wait until day 5 for a hopeful transfer. He warned me that from these 6, I would be looking at 2-3 blastocysts comfortably, and that 4 would be an exceptional outcome. Fingers crossed there is at least one.
I plan to transfer one blastocyst if I'm lucky enough to have more than one. I really don't want multiples. If it happens on its own, that's one thing, but I don't want to increase my chances by transferring two.
The laser assisted hatching will be done later today on all of the embryos. The embryologist told me that if you do it on day 5 you risk injuring the blastocyst. On day 3, the shell or zona pellucida is still thick and easy to nick with the laser. It thins towards day 5 so becomes more difficult. It seems a fairly routine procedure so I'm not too worried about anything going wrong. Also, I asked, and it's completely fine and normal to freeze a blastocyst which has already had the assisted hatching. I'm glad they said they'd cap the cost at £250 now!! Otherwise that would have been £125 per embryo. I would have spent it of course, but I'm glad for the discount with 6 to do.
I've been feeling pretty bloated and a bit crampy since the egg retrieval. Looking online, this could also be due to starting the progesterone/Cyclogest. I'm not loving that I've got to take a suppository twice a day for what I hope is something like the next 10 weeks. I'll do it obviously, I'm just not loving it. And I hope the bloating and cramps reduce.
I'm sort of amazed when I think about it- that eggs from my body have been fertilized with sperm and there is potential life in a petri dish at the clinic. It's actually sort of hard to get my head around. You spend so long focusing on trying to conceive, it's hard to imagine the jump to the next step. I'm not there yet of course, and all of this may not work and could go horribly wrong. But a thread of me is still pretty hopeful and giddy with anticipation.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Obsessing over timing
No period today. I did pee on a stick this morning to make absolutely sure that I wasn't actually pregnant somehow and it got missed from the last cycle. My gut certainly feels like my period is coming. However, so far, no period. In order to avoid the conflict I have with the 26/27 I'm not moderately obsessed with trying to work out the likelihood of it being a problem by fixating on dates. In order to stop obsessing I'm going to dump it all here so I can just look at it to confirm what I'm counting. Indulge me.
If my period arrives tomorrow (May 7) and that was Day 1, then (Option A) Day 17 would be Monday the 23rd and the likely collection day. If I get a poor collection and they want to do a 3-day transfer, that would be on Thursday the 26th (BAD). If I have a good collection and they do a 5-day transfer, that would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD). If collection was Friday the 20th (day 14, Option B) which is unlikely with my history, a 3-day transfer would be on Monday the 23 (GOOD) and a 5-day transfer would be on Wednesday the 25th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Sunday (May 8) then collection would likely be Monday the 23rd (day 16) and we again have Option A. Or, it could be Wednesday the 25th (day 18, Option C) which would mean a day 3 transfer would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD) and a 5 day transfer would be on Monday the 30th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Monday (May 9) then collection could be Monday the 23rd (day 15) and we're on Option A again, or collection is more likely to be on Wednesday the 25th (day 17) which would be Option C.
So basically, a 25% chance that the timing will suck.
I have managed to line up a last minute fill in for me if this is the case, but I hope it's not. However, looking at it like this gives me some comfort because it's only in the case of a less desired outcome (no good embryos collected on Monday the 23rd) that it's the BAD scenario and I'm obviously hoping for good embryos that make it to blastocyst in which case all of the options are good. Okay. Maybe I can stop obsessing about this now!!
If my period arrives tomorrow (May 7) and that was Day 1, then (Option A) Day 17 would be Monday the 23rd and the likely collection day. If I get a poor collection and they want to do a 3-day transfer, that would be on Thursday the 26th (BAD). If I have a good collection and they do a 5-day transfer, that would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD). If collection was Friday the 20th (day 14, Option B) which is unlikely with my history, a 3-day transfer would be on Monday the 23 (GOOD) and a 5-day transfer would be on Wednesday the 25th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Sunday (May 8) then collection would likely be Monday the 23rd (day 16) and we again have Option A. Or, it could be Wednesday the 25th (day 18, Option C) which would mean a day 3 transfer would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD) and a 5 day transfer would be on Monday the 30th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Monday (May 9) then collection could be Monday the 23rd (day 15) and we're on Option A again, or collection is more likely to be on Wednesday the 25th (day 17) which would be Option C.
So basically, a 25% chance that the timing will suck.
I have managed to line up a last minute fill in for me if this is the case, but I hope it's not. However, looking at it like this gives me some comfort because it's only in the case of a less desired outcome (no good embryos collected on Monday the 23rd) that it's the BAD scenario and I'm obviously hoping for good embryos that make it to blastocyst in which case all of the options are good. Okay. Maybe I can stop obsessing about this now!!
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