48 dpo 9w2d - First midwife appointment

I've had my first midwife appointment which was fine.  It took some time, as there seemed to be a lot of information to enter into the system.  I would say the meeting was mostly procedural.  There wasn't necessarily any new information from this meeting. She went over with me what vitamins I should be taking, what I should and shouldn't be eating, that I should be exercising but not adding new hardcore routines. I brought along a printout of the donor profile so I could answer any questions about 'the other side' which was useful. We touched briefly on where I might want to give birth, and who might be in the room with me. I don't know yet enough about my pregnancy to make any decisions about where to give birth, although I know I really don't want to do it at home. I think I will be too high risk for that anyway, but it otherwise it really doesn't interest me. The birth center is literally attached to the delivery hospital (same building) so you can always start off in the birth center and be quickly transferred if needed, which seems reasonable. But I'll find out more about how it works later in the pregnancy. We also discussed my relationship with the boyfriend and she agreed that a doula is probably a good idea for me, even if the boyfriend decides he wants to be involved. So that was good to talk about albeit briefly.

Part of the meeting was clearly to assess risk factors.  Because of my age (almost 42) and my weight (BMI 34.5) and my history of an abdominal surgery (ovary removal) this puts me at various risks for various things. So one of the things she set me up with was a meeting with an obstetrician.  I guess in the UK you don't meet with an obstetrician regularly unless you are high risk. So I'll go to be assessed and either they'll continue to want to see me or they'll release me back to my midwife team/GP. I may also have an extra scan due to my age. I'm also at a higher risk for pre-eclampsia so I'll need to start taking a daily baby aspirin at 12 weeks.

But basically that was all fine.  The next steps are that I scheduled a blood test for Thursday and I need to also provide a urine sample (in the smallest urine pot known to man I might add). I am now expecting 3 letters: a welcome from the midwife detailing our discussion and baby aspirin stuff; an appointment letter for my 12 week scan at the hospital which includes a permission form for the Nuchal screening; and, an appointment letter for a meeting with the obstetrician.  I've also confirmed that they don't do NIPT yet, so I'm going to schedule that next week. The midwife told me about another Cambridge based private clinic that offers it, but it's cheaper at the one I found already, so I think I'll stick to that. I think I'll also go for the Serenity Plus test over the Harmony. I don't think it makes very much difference at all, except I think I'll get the Serenity results quicker.

Oh, and I also asked about the Cyclogest/progesterone because I'm down to just a few days left. The midwife said I needed to call the IVF clinic to ask how long I should be on it, so I called them when I got back and had a very nice chat with one of the nurses who was there throughout my procedures. She said they normally would end around 7 weeks, and they're happy for it to stop at 9 weeks. She said it's up to me if I stop cold turkey or reduce then taper but it shouldn't make any difference at this point. So I think I will do a full dose tomorrow which is officially 9 weeks if you follow the retrieval/fertilization date. Then I will drop to one a day until I run out and I might every other day the last one or two. So that's one bit of good news that I don't have to be sticking things up my bottom twice a day very soon!

In other news, another woman on the forum in my group has miscarried which is just awful. I was hoping that we would not be the standard statistic as a group and yet we have reached it. And there could still yet be more. It's so heartbreaking. I try to stick to my mantra but am well aware there are still some big hurdles to get past. The NIPT and the 12 week scan being the big ones. I know that there is nothing I can do. What is going to happen is going to happen. The not knowing can be just so hard though.

23dpo 5w5d - Finally a letter

So I finally got my letter from obstetrics telling me my first scan is scheduled for the 29th.  That will be 35dpo or 7w3d.  Still almost two weeks away.  At least it's scheduled.  I've also scheduled an appointment with my GP for Monday morning because apparently they arrange all your midwife appointments or some such.  I have no idea.  Healthcare is very different here than in the States and seeing as how I haven't been pregnant in either place, I really have no idea what the general schedule is.  I was talking to a woman in my office who is going on maternity leave today and she said there's a 7 week, 12 week, and 20 week scan, and then the scans are done.  It's also not clear to me yet if the UK has rolled out NIPT testing for all women- they did a big study on it and decided they would roll it out, but it's in process.  So I don't know if I'll get it as standard or if it will be something else I need to seek out independently.

I peed on a stick this morning and the line came  up quickly and dark.  So, hCG still rising!  In fact it came up so quickly that I'm not sure I'll get any stronger readings off them.  I think I have 3 more of the eBay strips left.  I also have 4 First Response tests left which seem wasteful.  Maybe I'll try and pass them off to someone?  Of course everything could go horribly wrong and I may need to start this all over again, so maybe just hold on to them until I'm out of some of the danger zones.

Of course being this early pregnant everything is a worry.  I continue to have small twinges on my left side where my ovary is.  I am of course obsessed with wondering if this could be signalling an ectopic pregnancy.  I don't seem to have any other symptoms, but I don't like occasional twinges in the ovary region.  Of course the scan will help verify what is going on- but that's not for two weeks. So until then I'm just trying to not make a mountain out of molehill and be obsessive about it.  I got a twinge in the other side as well, which of course then made me think it could be an ectopic pregnancy in my Fallopian tube stump that's left from the surgery.  See?  Crazy.

In other news I've had my first offer of baby hand me downs, which is awesome!  There are some things I'm willing to spend money on if I can't find what I want for a reduced price.  But most stuff I'm super happy to take hand me downs for.  Babies go through things so quickly and they are barely used.  It makes total sense!

Not much else going on.  Still haven't heard a word from the friend who dumped on me.  I got a day by day pregnancy book which is kind of fun to read over breakfast.  Still not really having symptoms that I can notice, which is probably just as well.  Still doing my Cycologest/progesterone twice a day at 8am/pm like clockwork.  I set an alarm for the evening one- very helpful.  Still trying to be good about doing yoga or walking daily (as well as cycling to work).  And life goes on!

19dpo 5w1d - First sign of pregnancy brain?

I managed to lock myself out of my house this morning.  My morning leaving routine goes like this: pack my bag, get all my cycling kit on, make sure my work card is in my pocket, make sure my keys are in my hand, exit door, shut door, unlock bike, go.

Well, this morning I managed to get out the door and shut it before realizing that my keys were not in my hand or in my coat pocket.  They were not in my bag, or inside my purse inside my bag.  I can only assume the are still inside the house.  So there I was, unable to unlock my bicycle with all of my gear set to go.  So I took off my helmet and sunglasses and ankle straps, managed to get everything into my pannier.  Converted the pannier to a shoulder bag and then walked to work.  It's about a 25-30 minute walk to work.  So I guess I got in my walking exercise for the day.  I will also need to walk home.  On top of which I got up and did a 20 minute exercise routine that another lady on the SMC forums recommended.  So exercise for today all sorted.

So far I've been good at my daily exercise plan.  I hope I can keep it up.  I have a very good reason to now, so I do find that's motivating.  But there's a long way to go.  The videos and doing things at home definitely help.

In other news, still zero physical feelings of being pregnant.  So this morning I peed on a stick and it was darker than it was 2 days ago (I didn't do it yesterday).  So hCG still rising, just not feeling anything yet.  I'm sure it will come.  It's just hard to believe I'm actually pregnant when I don't feel any different!

The rest of my cyclogest/progesterone suppositories should be delivered today.  I still have a few days left, so I'm not in danger of running out yet.  I think they were meant to have sent me a text yesterday to confirm the delivery and I didn't get any text.  Anyway we'll see.  If they don't arrive I'll obviously be calling.  I think in the worst case scenario I could probably cycle to the clinic and get some because I bet they have some in stock.  Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

18dpo 5w - Processing

There are so many thoughts going through my head all the time.  Of course one of the bigger ones is whether or not this pregnancy will result in a baby.  I still don't feel any different physically.  I'm now not even sure that my breasts do feel firmer.  I had a tiny bit of brown spotting again.  But otherwise, no physical signs.  Of course I could pay for another hCG test to see if the numbers are continuing to rise.  But I don't think I will.  My cheap eBay stick is a bit darker than the day before.  There isn't anything else I can do but wait.

The other thoughts I have tend to circle around 'What have I done?!' and 'What am I doing?!'.  Changing your life is terrifying.  I don't care when you do it or how you do it.  It's always going to come with a fear of the unknown.  And a fear that you've made a wrong choice.  I don't think I have, but the future is still an unknown place to me.  I don't know what it will like to be pregnant yet.  I don't know what it will be like to have a baby, to care for a child.  So all of these things are a bit frightening.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but I'm just being honest.  There's a lot of things I don't know.  And not knowing things is scary.

And perhaps part of it is the emotions filling in.  The shock wearing off a little bit.  Reality sinking in.  There's plenty of time, but I feel like I need to be doing things.  That I need to be better prepared.  One of the things I've decided to do at the moment is daily gentle exercise.  Either a pregnancy yoga video or walking around the park across the street.  I think this is a good idea for any number of reasons.  And it gives me something to focus on and do.  Another thing I think I should try to get on top of is getting my UK driver's license.  I've avoided it for years and years but I think being able to drive, or maybe having a car, would make my life immensely easier with a child. So these are things I need to do.

Then I'm doing other random stuff like some knitting projects- for ME for a change, and trying to get some personal work related professional stuff done.  I feel motivated to do things.  Which for me, is probably a good thing.  I have no idea how long it will last.

Which then makes me think about if this pregnancy will last.  I don't know if you ever feel 'safe' in this process- or if you ever feel safe again! It's really just one worry to the next.  If I get to 8 weeks I'll start to feel a bit better.  If I get to 12 weeks I'll feel a bit better.  Etc.  Early days.

16dpo 4w5d - Official testing day

Today is the official day to do my test.  I actually forgot this morning and only did my cheap eBay test.  However, I didn't sleep well so was up very early and had to pee again later, so I did the clinic test on the second pee of the morning. I took a picture of the results.  The top cheap eBay strip is from yesterday, you can just make out a squinter.  The second thin strip is today's cheap eBay strip.  Definitely getting darker, so hCG must be rising.  The bottom thicker strip is the clinic strip- strong positive.  I will head off for my second blood beta hCG test shortly.  So far though, I'm feeling positive about what I can see.

In other news, I'm sure that my breasts are 'fuller' or at least firmer today.  They don't necessarily look different but they definitely feel different.  They feel as though I've lost 20 years!  Ha!  At any rate, this is the first physical sign that I think I have that there is anything different in my body.

Spotting has pretty much stopped.

This morning I did a prenatal yoga video from YouTube.  I feel that I need to up my exercise game during a pregnancy.  I'm not the most physically active and I think this is important both for my health, the health of the pregnancy, and the health of the fetus.  So I found some good full session prenatal yoga workouts that I've put into a playlist. My goal will be to try to do this every other day, although daily would be better.  I may try to alternate with going for walks around the park that is just outside my house.  Convenient and perfect for low impact exercise.

Still can't really believe it.  Having occasional fleeting thoughts of 'Holy fuck what have I done??!!??'.  On some level it's all still sort of terrifying.  But maybe in a good way?  Hard to explain.  But I'll definitely have time to delve into my feelings over the next nine months (fingers crossed).