38w5d - Closer and closer

Sorry for being out of touch! The last few weeks at work were insane. Seriously, insane. It's all good stuff, but it meant that I was working non-stop training my maternity replacement, and trying to do as much as possible for the new program that we are acquiring before I left (that I will be running when I get back).

So time passed, and now I'm in the final countdown. A few different things have happened which are probably worth recording here. From arguing with my mother, to everything I'm doing to try to get baby to come on her own before the induction. Then there's getting the house ready and all the 'nesting'. By the way, I despise the word nesting. I don't think being prepared is anything special or significant. Bringing a new baby into your home requires various degrees of preparation which may mean new furniture and finding places for things and moving things around. It isn't 'nesting', it's just being fucking practical. I have heard of women who start to go insane cleaning, although again, you think about this new responsibility and the lack of a good immune system and I think yes, it's better to clean some stuff then be irresponsible. But I honestly don't think it's 'special', I think it's smart!

So I've been preparing for baby girl by getting the nursery ready, washing a ton of clothes and blankets and muslins and anything else she might use. I've tried to clear up the clutter and sort through things that I've had sitting around for some time. I mean, it was easy to have those things sitting around, but with all the new things coming into my house, I had less space, and it forced me to look at some of these piles of things.

But basically I think I'm ready. I've ordered everything that I thought was 'essential' for me. The only thing I haven't set up is the 'Next 2 me' cot because it's going to be a big obstacle in my room which is fine when baby is here, but I don't think I need to live with empty for a week more or so. But the sheets and everything that goes into it are ready, so hopefully setting it up won't take much time at all.

I've packed two of the three bags I'm taking to the hospital. Baby's bag was the first to be packed and has everything I'll need for her in hospital and to come home. In my NCT class, they suggested packing up the nappy/diaper bag as baby's bag to start to get used to it which I thought was sensible, so that's exactly what I've done. I've also packed my 'going home' bag which includes two pairs of comfortable pajamas, two outfits, a bunch of oversized cotton underwear, an entire pack of maternity pads, some disposable underwear, breast pads, nipple cream, toiletries, etc. The only bag I need to still put together is the 'labouring' bag which includes two robes (one very lightweight as a cover, and one thicker/towel weight robe), slippers, portable speaker, essential oil, magic wand (maybe), TENS unit, food & drink, etc. Basically, everything I might want while I labor. Some of it is sitting in a pile, so it's not that it would be so difficult to shove it all in a bag if it was an emergency, but I'm pretty sure I have time.

Since going on leave, I've started to be more conscientious about the things you can do to promote labor. I've been to acupuncture twice and am scheduled to go again Wednesday and Friday this week. I started with some nipple stimulation using my breast pump which I think did make me more crampy (and I managed to express some colostrum) but when I stopped it all stopped. I'll come back to it, but I wanted a break and felt it was perhaps early. I'm trying to walk although baby is definitely engaged and walking can put incredible pressure on my bladder. Today I basically walked while lifting my bump slightly just to get her off it! I've been eating 6 dates a day for weeks now, and that continues. What else? Bouncing on a ball. I'm really not convinced there is loads you can do to bring about labor. I'm scheduled for a membrane sweep next Monday and the following Wednesday as a last resort. Because I'm also scheduled for an induction on the 17th. After all I've gone through to push off the induction and have good support from the hospital staff, I'm now pretty much determined to go through with it for the sole reason that it will be much much better for my mental health if the baby arrives before my mother does on the 22nd. This is, by the way, a terrible reason to push forward with an induction, but I'm trying to balance mental health and physical health and right now mental health is winning. This is why I'm committed to pretty much doing everything possible to hope that labor starts on its own before then.

But I think my next post will be about my struggles with my mother right now. This post is already long.

Oh yeah, in other news, I've been using the elastolabo and Epi-No nightly and it's given me some confidence about the birthing process. When I started with the Epi-No, it was around 7cm. It's now up to 9.5 and while it makes me feel 'full' and isn't necessarily comfortable, it helps me to know that I've pushed something out of my vagina with that diameter. I've looked up that an average baby head is about 11cm, so that's 1.5cm away. At least it makes me feel less frightened of tearing, and has helped me to understand how having something that large lodged in your privates is likely to feel (i.e., how you feel it more in your bottom). So I'm pleased with that investment. Just hoping I actually get the chance to give birth vaginally!

Midwife appointment tomorrow. Not expecting anything unusual.

It's very strange to be off work. Right now it just feels like some sort of long weekend. It's hard to remember that life is going on without me and people are going to work and getting on with things while I putter around. On the one hand it's good because they really do leave you alone once you're on leave. On the other hand, it's just really odd to suddenly just be on the outside!

Okay, enough for now, more soon.

19dpo 5w1d - First sign of pregnancy brain?

I managed to lock myself out of my house this morning.  My morning leaving routine goes like this: pack my bag, get all my cycling kit on, make sure my work card is in my pocket, make sure my keys are in my hand, exit door, shut door, unlock bike, go.

Well, this morning I managed to get out the door and shut it before realizing that my keys were not in my hand or in my coat pocket.  They were not in my bag, or inside my purse inside my bag.  I can only assume the are still inside the house.  So there I was, unable to unlock my bicycle with all of my gear set to go.  So I took off my helmet and sunglasses and ankle straps, managed to get everything into my pannier.  Converted the pannier to a shoulder bag and then walked to work.  It's about a 25-30 minute walk to work.  So I guess I got in my walking exercise for the day.  I will also need to walk home.  On top of which I got up and did a 20 minute exercise routine that another lady on the SMC forums recommended.  So exercise for today all sorted.

So far I've been good at my daily exercise plan.  I hope I can keep it up.  I have a very good reason to now, so I do find that's motivating.  But there's a long way to go.  The videos and doing things at home definitely help.

In other news, still zero physical feelings of being pregnant.  So this morning I peed on a stick and it was darker than it was 2 days ago (I didn't do it yesterday).  So hCG still rising, just not feeling anything yet.  I'm sure it will come.  It's just hard to believe I'm actually pregnant when I don't feel any different!

The rest of my cyclogest/progesterone suppositories should be delivered today.  I still have a few days left, so I'm not in danger of running out yet.  I think they were meant to have sent me a text yesterday to confirm the delivery and I didn't get any text.  Anyway we'll see.  If they don't arrive I'll obviously be calling.  I think in the worst case scenario I could probably cycle to the clinic and get some because I bet they have some in stock.  Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

18dpo 5w - Processing

There are so many thoughts going through my head all the time.  Of course one of the bigger ones is whether or not this pregnancy will result in a baby.  I still don't feel any different physically.  I'm now not even sure that my breasts do feel firmer.  I had a tiny bit of brown spotting again.  But otherwise, no physical signs.  Of course I could pay for another hCG test to see if the numbers are continuing to rise.  But I don't think I will.  My cheap eBay stick is a bit darker than the day before.  There isn't anything else I can do but wait.

The other thoughts I have tend to circle around 'What have I done?!' and 'What am I doing?!'.  Changing your life is terrifying.  I don't care when you do it or how you do it.  It's always going to come with a fear of the unknown.  And a fear that you've made a wrong choice.  I don't think I have, but the future is still an unknown place to me.  I don't know what it will like to be pregnant yet.  I don't know what it will be like to have a baby, to care for a child.  So all of these things are a bit frightening.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but I'm just being honest.  There's a lot of things I don't know.  And not knowing things is scary.

And perhaps part of it is the emotions filling in.  The shock wearing off a little bit.  Reality sinking in.  There's plenty of time, but I feel like I need to be doing things.  That I need to be better prepared.  One of the things I've decided to do at the moment is daily gentle exercise.  Either a pregnancy yoga video or walking around the park across the street.  I think this is a good idea for any number of reasons.  And it gives me something to focus on and do.  Another thing I think I should try to get on top of is getting my UK driver's license.  I've avoided it for years and years but I think being able to drive, or maybe having a car, would make my life immensely easier with a child. So these are things I need to do.

Then I'm doing other random stuff like some knitting projects- for ME for a change, and trying to get some personal work related professional stuff done.  I feel motivated to do things.  Which for me, is probably a good thing.  I have no idea how long it will last.

Which then makes me think about if this pregnancy will last.  I don't know if you ever feel 'safe' in this process- or if you ever feel safe again! It's really just one worry to the next.  If I get to 8 weeks I'll start to feel a bit better.  If I get to 12 weeks I'll feel a bit better.  Etc.  Early days.

16dpo 4w5d - Official testing day

Today is the official day to do my test.  I actually forgot this morning and only did my cheap eBay test.  However, I didn't sleep well so was up very early and had to pee again later, so I did the clinic test on the second pee of the morning. I took a picture of the results.  The top cheap eBay strip is from yesterday, you can just make out a squinter.  The second thin strip is today's cheap eBay strip.  Definitely getting darker, so hCG must be rising.  The bottom thicker strip is the clinic strip- strong positive.  I will head off for my second blood beta hCG test shortly.  So far though, I'm feeling positive about what I can see.

In other news, I'm sure that my breasts are 'fuller' or at least firmer today.  They don't necessarily look different but they definitely feel different.  They feel as though I've lost 20 years!  Ha!  At any rate, this is the first physical sign that I think I have that there is anything different in my body.

Spotting has pretty much stopped.

This morning I did a prenatal yoga video from YouTube.  I feel that I need to up my exercise game during a pregnancy.  I'm not the most physically active and I think this is important both for my health, the health of the pregnancy, and the health of the fetus.  So I found some good full session prenatal yoga workouts that I've put into a playlist. My goal will be to try to do this every other day, although daily would be better.  I may try to alternate with going for walks around the park that is just outside my house.  Convenient and perfect for low impact exercise.

Still can't really believe it.  Having occasional fleeting thoughts of 'Holy fuck what have I done??!!??'.  On some level it's all still sort of terrifying.  But maybe in a good way?  Hard to explain.  But I'll definitely have time to delve into my feelings over the next nine months (fingers crossed).