31w2d - Hypnobirthing class and things

Pregnancy progressing- bump getting bigger.  I still feel pretty good in general.  Maybe I am starting to need to pee a bit more often but not to the point where it's unreasonable, and I don't get up at night needing to pee, so that's good. 

I have one more week of work before the holiday break.  I'm definitely looking forward to some 'nesting' time at home. My IKEA deliver is coming a week from today so most of the break will be spent setting up the nursery. I can finally start washing and sorting all the bags of hand-me-downs which would be fun and exciting. I also have some new things to wash and get ready like muslins, wipes, and cloth outer nappies. I'm just looking forward to starting to prepare.

The other day baby girl was in a position where I didn't feel her very strongly. My midwife definitely got me a bit anxious about 'not feeling her kick' which I don't think was helpful. With the anterior placenta, I think sometimes she's just muffled and I don't notice her moving for a while. With what the midwife said, this of course makes me start to worry that something is wrong. Then the next day, I feel her moving fine. I understand being aware of risks, but I don't think this is something I need to be so anxious about so I'm trying to manage it.

Went to my second hypnobirthing class last night. I've added a link to the right-hand side bar if any one is interested in finding classes in the UK or for more information. I am interested in the theories behind hypnobirthing, even if I find self-hypnosis challenging. I'm not sure that part matters so much, more the understanding of the state you are trying to achieve. I won't know until the moment obviously but if I hold on to the ideas of the course, I may be able to find that mental state in my own way at the time. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the visualization and positive thinking that goes with it.

The big thing on the pregnancy agenda right now is the process of birth. Induction or no induction? And where can I give birth? I am off work from the first of February. My plan is to do every old wives tale in the book daily to try to jump start labor. This includes nipple stimulation, orgasms, eating spicy food, raspberry leaf tea, acupuncture, reflexology, etc. Anything and everything, I'm pretty much up for it so that I can, if possible, avoid an induction. If I get to my due date at 40w, I may decide to go ahead with the induction. So we'll see. The thing is, right now they are telling me I can't go to the birthing center because I'm over 40. Apparently if I go into labor, I will need 'continuous monitoring' which they only do on the delivery unit. But that's ridiculous if there are no other risk factors and anyway they do intermittent monitoring (every 15 minutes) in the birth center, so what the fuck? I may need to go have a meeting with the head of the center to get permission to go to the birth center. I find this all frustrating. And then I hear in class, that although you may not be allowed in the birth center, you are allowed, or rather, they can't stop you from having a home birth. Now, I in no way whatsoever want a home birth. But if threatening them with me deciding to have a home birth is what makes them relent and allow me into the birth center if I happen go to into labor, then we'll see. It's really all a bit ridiculous and annoying. Which is not how you want to be feeling about giving birth. I have a meeting on Sunday with my doulas to discuss options and strategies. Fucking hell.

13w5d - Sneaking doubt

I've decided to change the timing to my actual week count according to my midwife. It's just easier.

So at almost 14 weeks, I again feel 'not pregnant'. Nothing has happened, and nothing has changed. Or perhaps I get more comfortable with the subtle changes so they seem less new. At any rate, this means the doubt starts to creep in that something has happened that I am otherwise unaware of. I of course have no reason to think that something has happened. I have had no cramps, no spotting, nothing at all to suggest I am anything other than pregnant. It's just weird.

This weekend some friends of mine came to visit with their 2 children. I haven't seen them for a while, and I had not yet met new baby who was not so new anymore. They brought me a whole bag filled of baby clothes and some other goodies which was awesome. Although some are not labeled in English so it's not entirely obviously what size they are for, but if I put them next to the ones that I can read, it will be easy enough to work out. I mean really, what fits the baby fits, when it doesn't, they've outgrown it! For some reason I expected some of the hand-me-downs from their youngest who is a boy, but they managed to give me a bag from their eldest who is a girl. Apparently it's been used by someone else in between, but who cares? What was funny was how pink and purple everything was! Also white with some grey and beige, but mostly pink and purple. I guess that's the way forward! I was saying to a work colleague today that someone really needs to make non-gendered baby clothes in rainbow colors or lovely greens and oranges and yellows and browns. Why so much gendered clothing? It's ridiculous. It's also why one of the few items of clothing I am likely to indulge in is this number from a designer I've seen at shows in London for years.

One of the things my friends also brought was their fetal Doppler. We gave it a go and couldn't find the heartbeat. This was not entirely unexpected because first, it says it's for use from 14 weeks which I'm not yet; second, I've got extra belly padding which makes finding something the size of a lentil inside of a lemon inside my gut less easy; and third, from my NIPT scan, I learned I have an anterior placenta which can also make it difficult to find the heartbeat. While this didn't immediately fill me with panic, it also didn't help with my general feelings of 'not pregnant'. I don't have a midwife appointment for 2 weeks, so there is nothing to do but go about my daily business and hope that something starts to happen at some point that indicates to me that I might actually be pregnant! I mean, other than not having my period, having a tiny bit of a bump obvious to only me, firmer breasts, and more sensitive nipples.

In other news I've scored some great buys on eBay for maternity clothes and I will continue to scour the listings. I got a few things today. I think I've spent in total £25 on a few auctions and have 3 tops, 3 pairs of jeans, and two pairs of leggings. Considering one pair of jeans new is around £25, I feel pretty good about this.  Some of it arrived today and looks great, so I'll wash it and have everything ready for when I need it. Currently scouting pajamas, a bathing suit, and more tops.

54dpo 10w1d - Worrying

It's very easy for me to generally forget that I'm pregnant. I don't have any major symptoms other than tiredness. My breasts seem to have settled a bit after growing some and being sensitive. I still get very fleeting moments of feeling 'off' but nothing as much as nausea or throwing up.

Yesterday I convinced myself that maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore or had miscarried (or had a 'missed miscarriage since I haven't had any cramps or bleeding at all). So I peed on a stick which reassuringly came up straight away pregnant. But then I wondered if it was lighter than the last time I did the test. I think this is somewhat brought on my by wanting to schedule my NIPT this Friday. I can't quite find the one I want without a scan, so I get a scan thrown in (or rather, I pay for it). So I started to wonder and worry about what the scan might show.

This all ended up meaning that in general I felt grumpy yesterday. I may have been snappy with the boyfriend, which also continues to bother me because we've still not talked about the baby situation. I'm still annoyed that I need to bring it up and that he doesn't talk to me. I will, at some point, but maybe not when I'm feeling grumpy about it.

Actually, maybe I just feel irritable in general. It's hard to think of things that are making me happy right now. Work is stressful. People annoy me. Not all people, but a lot of them. I'm sure that the stress at work is not helping, and the stress of worrying and trying not to worry is not helping. I keep expecting the bad news to hit, and that's just not a useful mindset.

The only moderately positive thing on the pregnancy front is that I reduced my progesterone/Cyclogest to one a day and I only have one more day before it's gone. I was a bit worried about reducing to one a day, especially when so many women online seem to report staying on until week 12 and here I was reducing at week 9 to stop at week 10. But so far, no difference in my body or discharge or anything, so I assume it's all fine? Yay to fewer fingers in bums!

44dpo 8w5d - So Tired

Aside from slightly fuller, firmer breasts, the one symptom that I am experiencing relatively strongly is exhaustion.  I wake up and I'm practically tired again straight away.  It hasn't helped I'm sure that this has been an incredibly full week.  I ran a workshop from Sunday night to Thursday late afternoon which started at 7:30/8:00am every day and went through dinner.  Today, no rest for the weary, I had to get up early and cycle across town to do some lecturing.  All stuff I love and enjoy, but man am I beat.

A friend of mine who reads this blog (but doesn't comment!! :P ;) ) texted me to suggest that my iron could be low.  So when I have my midwife appointment next week, I will ask about this, and maybe they will test it.  It would be good if there was a way I could help this particular symptom, but then another friend who I had lunch with today suggested that tiredness in pregnancy is just something you have to deal with and it doesn't particularly go away.

I guess I'll find out!  I've also read that progesterone can make you feel more tired as well.  I have about a week left of Cyclogest, so another thing I'll be bringing up to the midwife next week.  I'm really not confident at all about when I should be stopping the progesterone and how I should be stopping it.  As I'm on two a day, should I start by reducing to one a day?  And do I have enough to that, and if I did want to do that, when should I start?  I have enough to get through to Tuesday without sacrificing any one choice, so hopefully I'll get more insight from the midwife.

In other news, because I was at a workshop most of the week, where food is included, I felt that I ate like a pig and that I'd gained at least 5 pounds.  In particular I thought this was true because my gut felt 'tight'.  But when I weighed myself this morning at home, I only gained a pound and a half from all the cookies.  So maybe the tightness is just the little squidge growing from a blueberry to a raspberry size?  In general, as I am overweight, I'd like to be fairly careful with weight gain during pregnancy.  I'm not supposed to gain all that much, given my starting weight/BMI, so I'd like to try to keep on top of that.

37dpo 7w5d - No Clever Title

Two days post scan and it's still just all a bit surreal.  What things can I say have changed?  My breasts are definitely a bit heavier and more sensitive; and possibly slightly larger.  Last night it was hard to get comfortable in bed, especially if I rolled on to my stomach.  In fact in general my sleep has been more disrupted.  I pee more.  I definitely feel more tired, especially in the evenings.  But otherwise that's it!  My colleague at work who has recently left for maternity leave said her first trimester symptoms really didn't start until week 8.  It's not that I want symptoms, but it's easy to forget that I'm pregnant!  Or at least, not fully believe that I'm pregnant.  Despite the visual evidence.

I've been looking into scheduling a NIPT locally.  I found a local clinic that offers both the Harmony and Serenity tests.  It's very difficult to get information on which test is better or why.  There are a number of other tests available, but these are the two I can do here, so that's better than a trip down to London.  Earlier this year, and following a massive research trial, the NHS decided NIPTs were a good idea to offer to pregnant women.  Unfortunately it's just still not clear that it's been rolled out or that I can get one this way.  I will see my midwife before 10 weeks, which is the earliest I could do a NIPT, so I will make absolutely sure I can't get it for free before paying for it. But I will pay for it, if I have to.  I feel reasonably confident that I would not continue a pregnancy with a known birth defect or serious chromosomal issue.  I realize this is a contentious issue, and it's one I hope I do not have to face. I am thankful however, that such tests exist.

In other news I continue to mull over my network/village and how various members have taken my news.  On the whole, my network is incredibly supportive and wonderful.  I feel very much accepted and supported by those around me (and around me in spirit but living far away!), and that's a wonderful thing.  But there are a couple of close nodes in the network which are not as stable.  The boyfriend and I have yet to talk about the pregnancy in any sort of detail.  In that, he does not ask me any questions. I tell him everything that is happening, and I make comments about the pregnancy, but he doesn't initiate conversations.  Of course I take this as his lack of comfort with the idea, which has been an issue throughout the process.  This may not be correct, and it could be that he feels rejected and so doesn't know what to ask or say as without my inviting him to participate more, he may feel I don't want him to participate more.  At any rate, this is something he and I will have to talk about sooner over later.  The other issue is my 'best friend' who has stopped talking to me since my positive result.  She has been suffering her own fertility issues, and is seriously depressed.  And while I understand to some extent that she finds my news too difficult to deal with, she is also married, wealthy, and already has 2 beautiful children from her horrible multi-year struggles with fertility treatments.  So it's also hard for me to be completely understanding, as to me, she has many things that I would have liked to have had, and is lucky in many ways, despite her struggles.  We live in different countries which makes the distance a bit easier to navigate, but also to perpetuate.  I wonder if I will hear from her again though, and I note with sadness that the longer the time for her to get back in touch, the more hurt, not less, I manage to feel about it.

In other unrelated news, I know pregnancy is counted in trimesters, but it's strange to think that as soon as I am 10 weeks, which is really not far away all things considered, I am 25% through my pregnancy.  That's insane! I know that as I've gotten older, time goes by faster and faster.  But it's crazy to think I can be almost 25% through something that I don't even barely feel yet and that very soon in the grand scheme of things, I will hopefully be a mother!! I know there is a long way (in some ways) to go between now and then, but in other ways, it's really no time at all.

18dpo 5w - Processing

There are so many thoughts going through my head all the time.  Of course one of the bigger ones is whether or not this pregnancy will result in a baby.  I still don't feel any different physically.  I'm now not even sure that my breasts do feel firmer.  I had a tiny bit of brown spotting again.  But otherwise, no physical signs.  Of course I could pay for another hCG test to see if the numbers are continuing to rise.  But I don't think I will.  My cheap eBay stick is a bit darker than the day before.  There isn't anything else I can do but wait.

The other thoughts I have tend to circle around 'What have I done?!' and 'What am I doing?!'.  Changing your life is terrifying.  I don't care when you do it or how you do it.  It's always going to come with a fear of the unknown.  And a fear that you've made a wrong choice.  I don't think I have, but the future is still an unknown place to me.  I don't know what it will like to be pregnant yet.  I don't know what it will be like to have a baby, to care for a child.  So all of these things are a bit frightening.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but I'm just being honest.  There's a lot of things I don't know.  And not knowing things is scary.

And perhaps part of it is the emotions filling in.  The shock wearing off a little bit.  Reality sinking in.  There's plenty of time, but I feel like I need to be doing things.  That I need to be better prepared.  One of the things I've decided to do at the moment is daily gentle exercise.  Either a pregnancy yoga video or walking around the park across the street.  I think this is a good idea for any number of reasons.  And it gives me something to focus on and do.  Another thing I think I should try to get on top of is getting my UK driver's license.  I've avoided it for years and years but I think being able to drive, or maybe having a car, would make my life immensely easier with a child. So these are things I need to do.

Then I'm doing other random stuff like some knitting projects- for ME for a change, and trying to get some personal work related professional stuff done.  I feel motivated to do things.  Which for me, is probably a good thing.  I have no idea how long it will last.

Which then makes me think about if this pregnancy will last.  I don't know if you ever feel 'safe' in this process- or if you ever feel safe again! It's really just one worry to the next.  If I get to 8 weeks I'll start to feel a bit better.  If I get to 12 weeks I'll feel a bit better.  Etc.  Early days.

16dpo 4w5d - Official testing day

Today is the official day to do my test.  I actually forgot this morning and only did my cheap eBay test.  However, I didn't sleep well so was up very early and had to pee again later, so I did the clinic test on the second pee of the morning. I took a picture of the results.  The top cheap eBay strip is from yesterday, you can just make out a squinter.  The second thin strip is today's cheap eBay strip.  Definitely getting darker, so hCG must be rising.  The bottom thicker strip is the clinic strip- strong positive.  I will head off for my second blood beta hCG test shortly.  So far though, I'm feeling positive about what I can see.

In other news, I'm sure that my breasts are 'fuller' or at least firmer today.  They don't necessarily look different but they definitely feel different.  They feel as though I've lost 20 years!  Ha!  At any rate, this is the first physical sign that I think I have that there is anything different in my body.

Spotting has pretty much stopped.

This morning I did a prenatal yoga video from YouTube.  I feel that I need to up my exercise game during a pregnancy.  I'm not the most physically active and I think this is important both for my health, the health of the pregnancy, and the health of the fetus.  So I found some good full session prenatal yoga workouts that I've put into a playlist. My goal will be to try to do this every other day, although daily would be better.  I may try to alternate with going for walks around the park that is just outside my house.  Convenient and perfect for low impact exercise.

Still can't really believe it.  Having occasional fleeting thoughts of 'Holy fuck what have I done??!!??'.  On some level it's all still sort of terrifying.  But maybe in a good way?  Hard to explain.  But I'll definitely have time to delve into my feelings over the next nine months (fingers crossed).