IVF 1 - Day 32 9dp6dt 4w4d

After tomorrow which is the 'official' testing day, I'm going to change the heading to reflect days past ovulation (currently 15dpo) and pregnancy weeks for simplicity's sake.  It's good to know both, I think, and I can't keep calling this IVF 1!

Tested positive again this morning.  The good thing about my cheap eBay strips is that they are showing continual progression.  Today was clearer than  yesterday.  I think I will continue to take them to give myself some confidence that my hCG levels are rising since I can't get the blood tests to otherwise show it.  It's actually a fairly useful way to measure an increase, although obviously I can't tell by how much.

Still having a bit of brown spotting.  Not much, mostly watery and only on the toilet paper wipe.  I'm also having a bit of 'tightness' on my right side where my ovary is.  I am of course now worried that it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  On the other hand, without a period to 'reset' the ovary post stimulation, it may still just be recovering from being enlarged.  I'm not sure.  This is something an ultrasound would potentially be able to tell me.  But I don't see how I can get one unless something starts to go really wrong.

I called my clinic today which is a day early to report the positives.  I also called because it said in the take home information sheet that if you have a positive test and spotting you should call immediately. I'm still not overly concerned with the amount of spotting I'm seeing- it's not increasing and is now always brown.  But I thought I'd call them anyway.  They arranged an order for more progesterone/Cyclogest.  They were going to send 3 boxes of 15 and I asked for 4.  I don't think the extra progesterone hurts, and it seems more standard to go to week 9 or 10 from others so I asked for an extra box which should get me to week 9.  It wasn't particularly expensive.  I'll need to update the budget.  I guess I'll keep updating the budget until a baby is hopefully born.  I'm also still waiting for the bill for the assisted hatching and blastocyst freezing.

It's really weird because basically my clinic now releases me to the NHS for care.  I feel like this is very quick and that other clinics in other countries continue with the patient until the first scan and then release them.  This means that other than the progesterone, I've got nothing else to do but wait for a letter containing information about my first scan which should be around week 7-8.  I guess there isn't anything else that I can be doing, because what will be will be, it just seems a rather sudden drop off a cliff. I've been so used to constant appointments and 'hand holding' that now I just feel a bit adrift.

I'm sure this will change though.

I'm also still in the 'I can't believe it' stage.  This is helped by the fact that I'm not feeling anything physically.  First trimester symptoms start to occur when the hCG really surges (and then tapers off) so I'm clearly not there yet.  It's so surreal.

IVF 1 - Day 20 3 day report

The embryologist called me this morning to report that I have 6, 3-day embryos.  One of the fertilized seven seems to have stopped after a two cell split and isn't expect to go any further.  Of the 6, four are very good and two are good.  Interestingly, from the thawed frozen eggs, the best looking 3-day embryo is one of the frozen, but the one that stopped after dividing is the other.

I discussed with the embryologist that we will wait until day 5 for a hopeful transfer.  He warned me that from these 6, I would be looking at 2-3 blastocysts comfortably, and that 4 would be an exceptional outcome.  Fingers crossed there is at least one.

I plan to transfer one blastocyst if I'm lucky enough to have more than one.  I really don't want multiples.  If it happens on its own, that's one thing, but I don't want to increase my chances by transferring two.

The laser assisted hatching will be done later today on all of the embryos.  The embryologist told me that if you do it on day 5 you risk injuring the blastocyst.  On day 3, the shell or zona pellucida is still thick and easy to nick with the laser.  It thins towards day 5 so becomes more difficult.  It seems a fairly routine procedure so I'm not too worried about anything going wrong.  Also, I asked, and it's completely fine and normal to freeze a blastocyst which has already had the assisted hatching.  I'm glad they said they'd cap the cost at £250 now!!  Otherwise that would have been £125 per embryo.  I would have spent it of course, but I'm glad for the discount with 6 to do.

I've been feeling pretty bloated and a bit crampy since the egg retrieval.  Looking online, this could also be due to starting the progesterone/Cyclogest.  I'm not loving that I've got to take a suppository twice a day for what I hope is something like the next 10 weeks.  I'll do it obviously, I'm just not loving it.  And I hope the bloating and cramps reduce.

I'm sort of amazed when I think about it- that eggs from my body have been fertilized with sperm and there is potential life in a petri dish at the clinic.  It's actually sort of hard to get my head around.  You spend so long focusing on trying to conceive, it's hard to imagine the jump to the next step. I'm not there yet of course, and all of this may not work and could go horribly wrong.  But a thread of me is still pretty hopeful and giddy with anticipation. 

IVF 1 - Day 15 last scan

Had my last scan this morning to confirm the egg retrieval schedule.  I take my Ovitrelle injection at 9pm tonight and my retrieval is scheduled for 9am Wednesday morning (of course I need to be at the clinic sooner).  I think I'm the first one of the day so that they can defrost the frozen eggs and then let me know if they defrosted okay or if they suggest defrosting anymore.  It looks like there were around 9 or 10 follicles of varrying sizes so I'm hoping for 5 fresh eggs.  If I get 5, that would be a good result all things considered.  On the day of the procedure I will take an antibiotic at 7:30am and I start the progesterone (Cyclogest) the day after the procedure.  I need to make sure I have everything prepared because I'll be away at this workshop Thursday and Friday.  But really, all it is I need is the Cyclogest I think.  I might pee on a stick tomorrow just to see what a positive test looks like from the trigger.  That is perhaps wasteful, but part of me wants to just make sure my ebay tests work.

So close now!  It's going to be hurdle after hurdle to get from here to a successful transfer.  There's a lot of possible failure points.  Fingers crossed.

IVF 1 - Day 12 retrieval scheduled

Just a quick update to say that I finally heard back from the clinic after having a mini panic when they hadn't called me by 4:20.  I called them, only to find that they close their phone lines at 4pm (even though they are open until 5pm).  I ended up emailing every email I had for someone there to say please let me know what the fuck is happening (in nicer words).  I finally got a call just past 4:40. Apparently they specifically close the lines so that they can make all the calls back to people but you know, it's the end of the day, it's stressful, maybe not the best plan.

Anyway, retrieval is Wednesday!  I do have another scan and probably blood test on Monday which I don't entirely understand, but fine.  I guess we'll see if I lose the big follicle and if the other slightly smaller ones have caught up.  I have enough drugs to see me through to then.  But yay!  Work crisis averted!  Retrieval scheduled!  Friend with car arranged for pick up!  Kind of exciting....

IVF 1 - Day 12 third scan and tenterhooks

Back from the clinic this morning, my gut was cooperating but the equipment was not.  All week my clinic has had some trouble with their new ultrasound machine in that it won't let the nurse tag the follicles correctly.  This happened on Monday and on Wednesday; today the nurse went and got the old machine because it was happening again.

The uterine lining was looking good and the ovary was clearly visible this time.  There are 6-7 good sized follicles of assorted sizes.  My biggest was 20mm and second was 18mm and then there were 4 or so around 14/15mm and a bunch around 10mm.  This creates a slight quandry.  Typically you can trigger once you have follicles over 18, but I have a bunch just behind.  So do we sacrifice the 20 to get the others to grow?  This decision will determine whether the egg retrieval is on Monday (I trigger tonight) or Wednesday.  Now I'm waiting for a phone call.  In the meantime, I decided to buy more drugs because I'm obviously very much hoping that they decide to do the retrieval on Wednesday.  I mean, obviously I want to do what's best to get the best result, but a Monday retrieval puts me in a 50% chance of having the bad schedule (if I need a 3-day transfer) whereas the Wednesday retrieval will be completely fine.  So now I'm waiting for them to check my blood estrogen levels and have a consultation with the doctors who meet over lunch.  I don't think I'll get a call before 4pm-ish.  So now I just wait.

It took 3 tries for them to get blood out of my fussy veins this time.  One of the nurses is getting super determined that she wants to get it on the first try.  I'm sort of hoping it's possible this is my last go at bloodwork there though.  I mean, I don't think I need another scan because they will just decide today when the collection is and another scan and blood test won't change that.

In the hopes that they will decide that my retrieval will be Monday, I had to buy more drugs; a 300 Gonal F pen and 3 Orgalutran/Ganirelex doses.  Luckily they have all that in the clinic and charge you the same as Healthcare at Home so there's no mark-up on the drugs.  I was also happy they had a 300 Gonal F pen because that's all I need and a larger pen would have cost more.

In other too much information news, all these drugs and what the nurse says are my estrogen levels are causing me to have a lot of vaginal mucus.  This is not so fun and perhaps a bit gross.  I hate wearing pads all the time as the lady bits like to breathe, so I'm just trying to be very clean and remember to go to the bathroom more frequently.  At least that part shouldn't last too much longer!  I think I remember it from my egg freezing cycles but maybe not this much?  I can't remember.

New budget update:

Previous total	£12588
Extra drugs for cycle 1	£241
New total	£12829

IVF 1 - Day 2

First shot tonight.  Happy to get this show on the road.

I called the clinic yesterday to tell them my period had arrived and schedule my first scan.  They said the doctor had put me down for an 'early' scan so they scheduled me to come in on Monday which will be day 8.  This is not early.  I was sort of taken back by this, as when I did egg freezing, or even when I had the IUI I think they scanned within the first 5 days. Day 8 seems a bit late.  I mean, some women even trigger on day 8!  Although I for sure will not.  I feel that day 8 is a bit late to make any adjustments to the medications.  I would have thought I should go in on day 5 which would be Friday. At the moment I'm undecided about whether or not I should call to ask for this or as for the reasoning for putting it off until day 8 or just to suck it up.  In general I'm not a fan of the suck it up approach and I prefer more information to less.  However, I also vaguely assume my clinic knows what they are doing.  Although maybe I shouldn't.  Seeing how many follicles there are in the scan, and how they are growing is supposed to help them decide how much drugs I should be taking.  By day 8, I'll be more than half way through stimulation, and I don't know that there's much more opportunity for adjustments.

The women on the SMC forum all felt I should push for an earlier scan or at least get in touch with the clinic.  I think I'll at least give them a call.  The women on the forum also all unanimously supported ICSI for the fresh eggs and assisted hatching for all embryos.  So that was interesting as well.  I did a bit more google research on ICSI and think it's probably a good idea to just go ahead with that. Assisted hatching also seems like a no brainer although there will be an additional cost per embryo for that.  Still, anything that helps.  And also, what's £125 when you're spending £6k+?

So it's Gonal-F only for the next few days before I add in the Ogalutran in the mornings.  All the drugs are currently taking up the cheese drawer in my fridge.  Huh.  Actually now that I'm thinking about it, I'm going to the movies tomorrow when I need to inject so I'll have to take the drugs with me.  At least they gave me a useful drug carry pouch with a portable sharps container for being away from home.  I'm going to go for an 8pm/8am schedule, or as close to that as possible for my injections.

So, still happy to be starting.  Still feeling positive.  This may obviously be significantly tempered whenever I actually get my first scan and see how many follicles are happening.  But also looking forward to finding out what will come out of the frozen eggs.

IVF 1 - Day 1

My period is here!  My period is here!  Who knew it could be so exciting?  I'm really a bit shocked that it's come so late, but anywhere, here it is.  My last period was particularly early, so I guess it makes sense. On the plus side, this would make a day 17 collection on Wednesday the 25th which would be a good timing, unless they decide for a day 15 collection, but I'll be surprised if this is the case. At any rate, this means I start stims tomorrow night, 300 Gonal F.  I'm excited and also a bit nervous to see how this cycle ends up.  How many fresh and then mature eggs will I get?  How will the frozen eggs defrost?  Will any fertilize?

The only decision I need to make now is whether or not to do ICSI and assisted hatching with all of the eggs or some of the eggs, or what.  I put it out to the ladies on the forum and it was a unanimous opinion that I should go for both.  I have to have ICSI with any of the defrosted frozen eggs, but it's optional for the fresh.  Given my age, ICSI is apparently better.  Assisted hatching is again recommended for things that are being defrosted and for 'older' eggs.  I fit into both categories, so I think I'll just go for both.  I did watch a video of ICSI though and it looked a bit violent.  Apparently there is a risk of damage to the egg, but it doesn't seem conclusive how that weights out against the risk of not fertilizing at all.

One of my best friends is having a frozen embryo transfer this month on almost the same timing as myself which would be a bit crazy for us to be pregnant at the same time.  Of course she's trying for her third child after something like 20+ cycles of various fertility treatments (which gave her the first two), so a little bit different.  But it would be sort of fun for me and my friend to be identically pregnant.

Anyway, fingers crossed for this cycle.  I don't know why I'm allowing myself to feel optimistic given the odds, but I just can't help it.

Drug Delivery

The box itself didn't look like much....

However, inside the box was a shitload of drugs!!

We've got 4 x 900 Gonal F pens, 7 Orgalutran pre-loaded syringes, an Ovitrelle pen, 3 boxes of Cyclogest pessaries, an amoxicillin pill, and of course the sharps box.  My cheese drawer is looking very full at the moment....

No period yet.  If it comes tomorrow that's risky because I think my clinic only does egg collections on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  That would mean they may try to collect on day 15 (Friday) which would be earlier than all of my egg freezing cycles, but otherwise would have to wait until day 18 (Monday) which could be too late.  If my period comes the day after tomorrow, or the day after that, then they might be going for the Monday collection (day 17 or 16 depending).  I'm pretty sure the clinic does embryo transfers on Saturdays, so if I had a Monday collection, I could have the transfer on the Saturday, avoiding the two days (Thursday/Friday) which will be a horrible work conflict.  If I have the collection on a Friday, the transfer would be on the Wednesday which would not be ideal because I still have some conflicts, but would also be okay, or at least, way better than the Thursday/Friday conflict.  So actually... I might end up alright with the work conflict either way- the only difference would be if they collect on the Monday and if I don't have more than 2 embryos that don't look so great, they could recommend a day 3 transfer which would be on the Thursday.  Complicated!!  I don't care though.  This month is a go, and I'm sort of excited about it.  Even though there's no guarantees in all this, I prefer to be taking action than waiting, that's for sure.

Change of Plans Again, AH!

Good grief!! I just got called by the clinic to tell me that in June they do a major clean of the lab and facilities and shut down. this means I can't cycle in June.  However, my frozen eggs are now in Cambridge, my drugs are being delivered today, and, most importantly, my period has yet to arrive.  This means I could start this month, like in the next couple of days.  Holy crap!  Just when I was settling in to having a month off, it's all systems go!

This is great, except for one small thing that I have a serious work conflict on the 26/27 of this month.  If I go by my egg collection cycles, my eggs were retrieved on day 16 or 17.  If you add 5 or 6 days for blastocyst transfer, this is squarely around the time of the work conflict, but could just miss it.  That's going to be the only stressful thing.  I suppose the best thing would be for my period to hold off for another couple or few days to put me well past it?  Anyway, it's going to be tricky, but I'm definitely not waiting until July.

I'm actually really excited about starting straight away although I was also fine with waiting a month.  No more alcohol or caffeine for me though!  I suppose it's not great that I've been indulging this month, although not so much, so that's not so terrible.

I'm actually sort of just really excited to be trying this month.  I'm going to try not to stress about the scheduling conflict until my period arrives.  Speaking of which, maybe I need to go to the bathroom.

IVF package and drugs - budget update

I've just spent a large sum on the drugs for my first IVF procedure as well as the procedure itself. My clinic has a package deal for IVF which includes:

• Ultrasound scans for monitoring
• Monitoring blood tests
• Blastocyst culture (if needed)
• IVF/ICSI process (if needed)
• Embryo transfer
• Pregnancy scan or review consultation as needed

The cost for this package is £3130 if you are not using ICSI and £4030 if you are.  Because my frozen eggs will need to have ICSI, then I am paying the higher cost.  There is no additional fee for the processing of both types of eggs, or the defrosting, or if they end up doing two different fertilization procedures on the fresh and frozen, or anything else apparently.  So that was good.  At the moment I feel this cost is very reasonable for an IVF cycle with drugs included.  But I don't have a huge amount to base that on.

The drug cost for 12 days of treatment came out to £1858 which includes: 4x900iu Gonal F pens, 7 Orgalutran injections, 1 Ovitrelle injection, and 45 Cyclogest pessaries.  I will probably need to buy some more medication as my cycles tend to run longer (from both the IUI and egg freezing experiences).  But these drug costs seem reasonable.  I should go back and compare them to my old egg freezing costs as they are again from Healthcare at Home.

I'm still trying to pay for the courier to get the frozen eggs from London to Cambridge.  I have left a phone message with the Cambridge clinic today and replied to an email over the weekend, but so far nothing.  I don't think that will be a problem but I will feel better when it is paid for and underway. The courier quote I got was £175 + VAT.  So I'll have to add that to the budget later when I find out how much the tax is.

Apparently I need to fill in yet more paperwork to permit the thawing of the frozen eggs.  Of course I do.

So the budget update:

Previous total	£6490
IVF Inclusive Fee with ICSI	£4030
12 Days of IVF drugs (see above)	£1858
New total	£12378

I've now spent approximately... a little over 1/3 of my savings for this endeavor.  It would be amazing if this would work so I could keep the rest for caring for a child, childcare, etc.  But it also means if I need to do this again, I certainly can.  Of course fingers crossed I won't have to.

More moving eggs

I've just gotten off the phone with the amazingly lovely head embryologist at my clinic.  While I type this post I am also refreshing my email inbox because of course I have more forms I need to fill in. However, he was very helpful about moving forward with arranging the courier to transfer my eggs. As it also happens, he knows the embryologist at the London clinic I used very well, so that's also good, or at least, makes me feel better- for no good reason whatsoever.

Apparently the receiving clinic does arrange the transportation.  So they'll do that, and then I'll just call up and pay.  Then hopefully all being well, my frozen eggs will arrive in Cambridge by the end of next week. That is then on time for me to start my IVF cycle with my next period which is due around May 5.

While chatting to the embryologist I have also learned:

• eggs are defrosted rapidly;
• so if none defrost, there may be time to defrost more; and,
• that for fertilizing both the fresh and frozen eggs at the same time they can use the same vial of sperm even though they have to be done through different methods.

So that was useful.  It was also useful to hear that because I am undergoing treatment, my first year of storage for all things needing storage is covered. It's only after the first year when I may start to have storage fees.  So that was good.  I was thinking I was going to need to cough up some more money to store things in Cambridge.

So the next thing to get on top of is the drug order and delivery.  I have a day in lieu that I need to take for work so ideally I can arrange that for the same day as the drug delivery and just be home to stick everything in the freezer.  As I'll be on 300 Gonal F a day for a while, that's going to be a lot of pens.  Instead of Cetrotide which I took during egg freezing, I'll be on something else (I'll have to look up the name at home) which you inject in the morning.  So Gonal F at 8pm every night and this other drug at 8am every morning starting on day 6 I think.  I also can't remember what she said the trigger was going to be.  But it's also something different because apparently the UK is having a Pregnyl shortage.

I keep refreshing my email but there's nothing there......

By the way, I've had very few comments on this blog, which is fine of course because the blog is a dumping ground for me more than anything else.  But I'd be happy to connect with other people, particularly if you're going through the same, have been through the same thing, or are thinking about it.  I'm on the SMC forum, or you can message me here public or private.

**UPDATED**
Of course there was something wrong with their system and my email address so the embryologist has just called (an hour later) to tell me and I've had to provide a different email.  Luckily, that came through so we should be moving along with the paperwork now!!

Pre IVF consultation

I had my pre IVF consultation with my clinic this afternoon.  I went there thinking I had a perfectly reasonable plan which has been encouraged both by my egg freezing doctor (way back when) and by the first doctor I saw at this clinic.  This was, mainly, to do a fresh IVF cycle and save my frozen eggs as a last resort.

This plan was immediately questioned by the doctor I met to have my consultation with.  It was the same doctor who did my Hycosi although that was the only time I've met with him previously.  He thought I should be going straight to my frozen eggs as this would give me the best chance of success at this stage.  Now, the reason for not using the frozen eggs straight away was if I am fertile now, that gives me an option for the future, if I want one.  I don't at the moment think I want one.  I think that one child would be all I want.  But I liked the idea of holding something in reserve.  However, the doctor was really surprised and encouraged me to not put my body through IVF when I could use frozen eggs.  So this threw my thinking completely out. I held firm at first, and then as we kept talking I started questioning myself.

In addition to this confusion, he was looking at my file and saying that I needed to attend the 'information session' as a matter of policy.  Now, way back when, when I started treatment they said I had to do the information session.  Then, when I explained I'd done egg freezing and was pretty well versed in the fertility sphere, they said I didn't have to.  But apparently now I do have to.  So I got scheduled in to attend an information session where I strongly doubt I will learn anything new.  In addition to this hoop jumping, he informed me that I also needed a consultation with a counselor about the implications of using donor sperm.  I don't mind meeting with a counselor, but again, I feel fairly well versed in the implications of using donor sperm and am in fact this weekend going to a conference hosted by the DCN - so I will jump through this hoop but it annoyed me.

Anyway, back to the consultation.

So the doctor relented that ultimately it was my decision but it was clear he didn't think I should be doing fresh IVF to start.  He was also saying that a lot of things had to happen to start the cycle so I couldn't just assume I could start with my period in May which stressed me out.  He then saw me getting stressed and tried to convey that staying calm through all this is helpful for getting pregnant. In the meantime, I'm thinking to myself that I understand where he's coming from but he's not being particularly helpful in ensuring that I am calm because he's causing all sorts of disruptions to things that I thought were reasonably fixed!

So as we're discussing it back and forth, and he's making me feel not so great by commenting that if I only got 6,4, and 3 eggs on my egg freezing cycles that my chances for IVF retrieval at this stage were not so great, he mentions that I could consider doing a fresh IVF cycle and also at the same time defrosting half of the frozen eggs to increase my chances of having one or two viable embryos.  Now this sounded better to me.  First, because I can plan to start the IVF cycle in May and now it's really about getting in touch with my London clinic to arrange the transfer of my eggs to Cambridge and having them in place for this to happen.  It also allows me to save half of the frozen eggs for a second try either immediately if this doesn't work, or in the future possibly.  So I think out of the 13 frozen eggs I have, I may suggest they start by defrosting 6 for this cycle.  Those will need to be fertilized with ICSI, and they can be watched alongside anything that may be retrieved from the fresh cycle.

So it's a slightly different plan but one I actually feel reasonably good about.  I am also going to email the embryologist to see what would happen for example, if the 6 don't defrost or fertilize for some reason, would there be time to defrost the other 7 in this cycle (I actually have no idea how long it takes to defrost an egg although I assume not so quickly).  This means I am now waiting for them to price up this option and the drugs costs and then I can order my drugs and schedule a counselling session and attend the information evening and be all set to start my IVF drugs on day 2 of my period.

Phew.

So a good result in the end that I have a plan and it's all systems go.  But really more stressful than it needed to be and a bit of a kick from a doctor who was clearly trying to tell me that he didn't think my odds were so great being over 40.  But anyway, I'll see what I get fresh, and I'll give some of those frozen eggs a chance and we'll see where we get to.

But first I need to call my old clinic and see about getting those eggs transferred to Cambridge.  I'm sure I'll need to sign a release or some such even though I will never actually see these eggs and it will all be done clinic to clnic.  The UK is very strict on fertility issues!  So much paperwork.

Anyway, it seems like more updates will be on the way as the planning progresses.

Planning for IVF

Just a quick note to say that I've scheduled my consultation appointment for next week to sign all the paperwork I need to do to have an IVF cycle.  I'll then need to order drugs in time to start with my next period which should be early May.  They said they don't do a birth control start as they have found that slightly diminishes success rates.  So that's fine by me!

I realize through this process that I'm actually very open with people about what I'm going through.  This means that I have people asking me about how things are going or have gone.  I don't really find this upsetting though.  Part of me thinks I should.  But I guess it helps me see my support network.  And no one is offensive about it.  Part of me feels like it's better to have that support that keep it all to myself.  Although funny enough when my mother gets in touch to ask me about it, that annoys me.  Ha!  Mothers and daughters.

I'm sort of looking forward to an IVF cycle.  While I'm disappointed the IUIs didn't work, with an IVF cycle I feel I'll have much more information on my current fertility chances and better knowledge of exactly what's going on.  I obviously hope it's successful, but if not, then it may be time to use those frozen eggs.  But that's still one IVF cycle away at least.  So hold that thought.

This month I'm enjoying a bit of freedom and the free dinners I have this week which include free wine.  Not overkill mind you.  But then I've never been a huge drinker.  Anyway, more from me next week after this consultation unless something else of interest occurs to me.

IUI 2 - Day 6 Budget update

Just a quick one to update the budget since I've paid for this IUI cycle.  Apparently my clinic says the price is the same if you get one Pregnyl or two which made no sense to me.  But, whatever.  I guess I should have asked for 2 then since I paid the same!  But never mind.  Last night I was out to a concert so I had to do my injection in the restaurant toilet.  Good thing my clinic gave me a handy little carry bag with a sharps-tube for used needles to later dispose in the correct bin.  It came in handy!

Previous total	£5472
IUI Inclusive Fee	£638
900 Gonal-F + 1 Pregnyl	£380
New total	£6490

One Cycle Ends, Another Begins

So I took the clinic pregnancy test on Friday and it was negative.  Additionally, my period basically started on the Thursday night, so cycle one was unsuccessful.  On the plus side, with my period not starting until Friday really, this was perfect timing to start the new cycle. 

I called my clinic on Friday morning because they ask you to report the result of the pregnancy test, plus, I wanted to immediately get going on IUI 2.  This would require me to order the drugs so they are ready for me on Monday.  Unfortunately, no one answered the phone at my clinic and I was forced to leave a message detailing the result of the pregnancy test, and my intentions to start cycle 2.  By 3pm, no one had called me back and I was about to go into a 2-hour meeting which meant I couldn't get in touch with them until Monday.  So with 5 minutes to my meeting I managed to get through and schedule a scan for Monday morning.  However, there wasn't enough time to get the drug order sorted.  The nurse indicated I would be able to buy the Gonal-F at the clinic on Monday.  I really hope this is the case and it's not somehow more expensive for the inconvenience.  Because it's not my fault they were too busy to get to their phone messages.

In the meantime, I've recently read It Starts with the Egg which was recommended on some of the forums I'm now frequenting.  It was an interesting read and has made me think about making a few changes to my current routine.  I was already taking conception vitamins but I think I'm going to add some CoQ10 to my routine.  I'm also looking at replacing some of the plastic food storage containers I use with glass to help reduce my exposure to BPA.  I figure that these are things I can do relatively easily, and that are not going to hurt me.  Similar to acupuncture.  There is a lot of discussion online about DHEA and in this instance I would not start taking it without my clinic's approval and probably some testing.

So how am I feeling with one failed cycle?  Disappointed of course.  Although I started to address that as my negative pregnancy tests kept coming in so that the final one wasn't such a shock.  Maybe a little bit panicked based on how much money I have and how long I feel I can realistically give this a try.  I found myself thinking I should go straight to the frozen eggs and stop fucking around.  I'm pretty sure this was a direct response to feeling like it's just not going to work with my current 'old' eggs due to this cycle not working.  But those eggs are not going anywhere and my current eggs could work.  I think I need to try one more IUI as planned, and then one fresh IVF and then see how all that goes.  If the clinic suggests going to the frozen at that point, then fine.  But it won't be a knee-jerk reaction to things not going as desired.

It's entirely possible that this is going to be an expensive year that doesn't result in a baby at all.  But it's far too early in the process to be thinking that way.  One failed IUI which only had a 6% success rate is not the thing to be basing the entire journey on.  And hey, based on my very poor understanding of how to add odds, by doing two IUI, each at a 6% success rate, the chance of one of them working is 12%, so that's a bit more hopeful for the second one, huh?

TWW 1 - Day 3

How can it only be day 3?  This is ridiculous.  My brain has scrambled over all of the possible permutations and my emotions are being tossed about like a little dinghy on a rough sea.  What if I am?  What if I'm not?  Of course I'm not.  I'll probably never be.  What if I am?  Repeat.

I've joined a couple of forum/discussion group things which are both helpful and unhelpful.  Unhelpful because I now see a cadre of women pursuing single motherhood; and, because of how the boards are broken down I'm in the 'Trying to Conceive' group.  Once a woman is pregnant, she may move to the pregnancy discussion boards.  This means the women in 'Trying to Conceive' are all, well, trying to conceive.  And that some have been at it for quite some time.  I see women who have had 6 IUI or more and numerous IVF attempts and frozen embryo transfers.  This is perhaps a bit disheartening as I've only had one measly IUI.  Of course those who have moved on may not have as many tries, but they aren't on the boards I'm tending to read at the moment.

Then in reading older posts, I saw someone had posted a link to an article that talks about how after you turn 35, the likelihood of embryos with abnormal chromosomal numbers increased regularly.  So of course since I'm 41 this was also disheartening and made me think that there is simply no chance that this is going to work at all.

But then I was on Facebook and I saw that a number of people I know who are similarly aged to me have babies.  So it's not so unusual among my peer group to be late 30's, early 40's and be having your first child.

As I said, this is only day 3 for fuck's sake.

I'm already trying to determine how it will work to immediately start the next cycle.  According to the clinic, my period is due on the 9th of March (if it's coming).  They want me to take a pregnancy test regardless of bleeding on the 11th of March.  I am unfortunately away from home on the 10th, 11th, and 12th.  This means that it may not be possible for me to arrange a drug delivery in time, or go for my first scan in time to start the next cycle for March.  If my period comes later than the 9th, for example on the 10th or 11th, I could go for a scan on Monday the 14th which will be day 4 or 5 of that cycle.  I could also call in advance so the drugs are delivered to my office on that Monday and be set to inject that evening.  However, if my period starts on the 9th, Monday will be day 6 and I think this is too late for the first scan, although obviously I will check with the clinic.  So I'm hoping that, assuming this cycle has not been successful, my period sticks to it's somewhat longer schedule and comes a bit later in that week and not earlier as I don't really want to delay by a month.  But obviously I will if I have to.

Wouldn't it all be so much easier (for any number of reasons) if this first cycle actually worked?  Wouldn't that be amazing??

But, it probably hasn't.

IUI 1 - Day 11 Scan, Trigger (I think)

I'm waiting for the clinic to call me with the timings for what should be my trigger shot this evening, and the time for my IUI procedure tomorrow morning/early afternoon.  It's almost 3pm and I'm still waiting.... frustrating.

The scan this morning was fine.  I've been feeling some crampy 'fullness' in my right side which is the side my ovary is on.  I don't usually get pre-period feelings of any kind, so it's been a bit weird to feel my right side, particularly as this isn't really a stimulation cycle like it was for egg freezing.  Here there's only one good follicle. So why all the pressure??  Maybe it's just the drugs working.

At any rate, the scan showed my uterine lining continuing to grow as desired and a straight line growth of the one good follicle which was at 14mm on Friday and is now 18/19mm this morning.  The nurse said this means my trigger should be tonight and the IUI tomorrow.  We went through how to mix up the Pregnyl which is a bit fussy.  You have to snap tiny glass vials and do the whole powder/water mixing thing.  I asked why they use Pregnyl instead of Ovitrelle and the nurse said that based on their very limited numbers, they had better results with Pregnyl.  So that was good enough for me!  Even if it does come in an easier to use syringe.  I'm sure it will be fine.  If I think about it, I might take pictures of these teeny tiny vials.

The main thing I'm waiting to hear other than the timings for things is whether I need to do one injection of the Pregnyl or two.  This is based on my blood test results.  This time it took her two tries to get the blood out.  The first time she went for the same vein that the nurse went for on Friday so in order to hit a different spot on it she went higher, but no luck. So she ended up going for the same spot on the second try and it gave up the goods.  Hopefully I don't have to give any more blood tomorrow.

I had my second acupuncture appointment on Saturday which went well.  It was very similar to the first one with needles in my abdomen, right ear, arms, hands, calves, and feet.  She again did the warming trick with the needles and put a heat light on my feet.  I managed to doze off during the treatment so that's probably a good thing!

I have very low expectations for this procedure, as in, I do not expect it to work at all.  Of course I will be very disappointed when it doesn't, but right now I feel that it won't.  Which will also mean I'll be scared shitless if it does!  It's really impossible not to think about it and have hopes and worries as you go along.  Minute by minute or second by second even.  I'm trying to just stay sane and go with the flow.  I'm going to have to wait two weeks to know anything at all which I'm sure will be headache inducing with how much my brain will mull it over.

I suspect the procedure tomorrow will be relatively straightforward and quick-ish.  I will write it up after the fact.  They told me that when you're scheduled to come in they defrost the sperm in advance so there's no waiting around.  They also said that there is absolutely no benefit to laying down or what have you for however long.  Either you're going to get pregnant or you're not and that is not going to make a difference in the slightest.  I'm sure I'll take it easy, and may in fact take a taxi from work to the appointment and back (instead of cycling).  But it's pretty much out of my hands at this point.  Not that it particularly ever was in my hands to begin with if you think about it.

Anyway.  It's all very exciting, terrifying, and disappointing all at once at the moment.  Which seems to me to be just about normal.

IUI 1 - Day 8, Scan 2

Back from my second scan this morning.  It's a different game to egg freezing.  The nurse was very pleased with the scan where there was one growing follicle (around 14mm) and 5 sleeping baby follicles.  Of course with egg freezing, or IVF, you want all the follicles to be growing at an equal rate.  So I was a bit tense when I only saw one follicle emerging.  Of course with IUI, this is exactly what you want!  You don't want multiples because that would risk multiple babies.  The nurse was very positive about what she was looking at, so that was all good.  And my uterine lining was also as desired.  I have another scan on Monday and will continue with the 75 Gonal F injections.  I suspect Monday night or Tuesday night will trigger so Tuesday or Wednesday will be the insemination.

They also took my blood again today to ensure everything is on track and as desired.  I shouldn't get a phone call unless there's something wrong and they want to change the drug dose.  This time it only took two tries to get blood out of me.  On Monday I think I'm going to slug a large glass or two of water before cycling to the clinic.  Being a human pin cushion is not particularly amusing.

Meanwhile, my second acupuncture appointment is scheduled for tomorrow.  I've been good about taking my conception vitamins.  I've also signed up to the Single Mothers by Choice website so I can make use of the forums.  I've added a couple of links to the side of the blog and plan to add more as and when I find them useful or of interest!

IUI 1 - back in the swing

So I've had two days of injecting.  Tonight I reduce the amount from 150 to 75.  The first two injections have been fine.  I'm a little perturbed to consider that my belly is fatter than when I did the egg freezing.  I wish it wasn't so hard to lose weight!  But that is neither here nor there.

Friday morning I'll have my next scan and see what's happening with my follicles.  I did some reading today to try and better understand what's ideal in an IUI.  Apparently there's a lot of interest in both the AMH and antral follicle count.  I think I mentioned that the nurse counted 6-7 follicles on my ovary.  This is apparently in the desirable range for someone my age.  Having looked at some other blogs online, I read about women freaking out that their AMH was 3-5 and that was with two ovaries.  Also these women had lower AMH numbers to me. So I'm feeling relatively okay about my general fertility level for my age.

I saw another statistic for IUI today which said my chances were not 5% but 6%!  So that's obviously much better. I also read something else that said that pretty much every woman officially trying thinks she might be pregnant the first go out and usually isn't.  And of course there's that statistic about 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage.  It's all ups and downs and obviously it's all just on my mind.

I've also been thinking about finances and budgets.  So I'll update the budget in a moment.  Mostly I'm thinking about the high cost of child care (not to mention things a child might need).  The nursery close to my house costs £200/week for full nursery care.  So let's just call that £1000/month.  I may qualify for some minimal tax relief, but not much.  So where will this money come from?  I know child minders are less expensive.  Still, it's daunting.  If I somehow get pregnant on one of the first... let's say 3 tries., then I'll have enough money saved for a year and a half of child care.  Of course in that time I'll also be trying not to use that money so I'm sure it can stretch to twice as far.  Still, pretty scary stuff.  I know people make it work, and I'm definitely going to rely on hand-me-downs and support from my family.  Still, having a child is no small undertaking, and one I'm not attempting lightly.

I did manage to see the new acupuncturist on Saturday and have an appointment for this upcoming Saturday as well.  I pretty much think that other than sticking needles in you, every acupuncturist you see does it differently.  This is the third I've been to in my life and it was different from the first two which were different from each other.  Overall I thought it was okay though.  I've decided not to include the cost of acupuncture as that's obviously completely optional.  Similarly the conception vitamins and things like that just aren't worth accounting for in the budget.  I do tell myself when spending money on them though, that they are worth coming out of the overall budget.  but obviously that's a choice.  The current budget is:

Previous total	£4834
IUI Inclusive Fee	£638
New total	£5472

I was talking to my mother on the phone about the baby plan and explaining what I thought I could afford (2 IUI, 3 fresh IVF, then go to the frozen eggs).  And she was like, "So what do you think that's going to be, like £10,000?" and I just laughed at her.  "No mom, try £30,000".  It's really not something you undertake lightly at all unless you are made of money, which I am not.  I can only hold out hope that I don't blow through all the money trying to get pregnant.  Of course I could blow through all the money and not get pregnant at all.  Pretty crazy when you think about it!

Tick Tock

So my period ended up coming particularly early while I was away- I think on 28 days.  So definitely starting this month was a no-go.  However, that means February is looking good and everything is now in place to try.  The donor sperm is at the clinic and I've been delivered my drugs for the first IUI cycle.  This includes a 900iu Gonal F pen and 2 Pregnyl which I've not used before.  It looks like the Pregnyl is an intramuscular injection which may be a challenge on my own but I'll find out more at my first scan which should be on day 1 or 2 of my next period, due mid-Feb.

This week I also had to go to the GP to get my virals retested.  This was HIV and Hepatitis B & C screenings.  Apparently whilst  undergoing treatment these need to be within 3 months current which seems excessive.  I showed up at the GP and they were frankly confused because my tests were in date but no, I had to have those again.  Luckily the GP covered it.  I suppose they could get annoyed if this continues and make me pay for it, I can't imagine it's all that much by comparison.

The drug delivery came via Healthcare at Home which if you were at all a reader of my egg freezing blog you will know has the best pricing around on fertility drugs.  Or at least they did two years ago and I have no particular reason to think this has changed.  So new budget:

Previous total	£4454
900iu Gonal F and 2 Pregnyl	£380
New total	£4834

The drug delivery had to be to work which was a little bit annoying but they didn't have a Saturday delivery slot.  It came in a massive cool box which was all very well packaged.  Pretty much discreetly except it said 'laminarmedica' on the side.  The 'medica' part is somewhat obviously 'medical' and it would certainly be recognizable to someone else going through the same.  In fact there is a woman in my group who has suffered from fertility challenges and I was particularly concerned with upsetting her.  I hope I didn't, and she didn't say.  Hopefully in the future I can get the drugs delivered to home.  Of course there's the possibility I may not need any more drugs, but I honestly don't believe that will happen.  On the other hand, it would be wrong of me not to acknowledge it could happen.

So the next thing is to wait.  When my period arrives, I will call the clinic and they will fit me in for a scan either that day or day 2.  They'll let me know what I should start injecting and when I should come back for the next scan and we'll be set to try the first IUI.  I'll also pay for the IUI on that day so will update the budget accordingly and detail what's included later.

Otherwise I need to get much better at being regular about taking my conception vitamins and I'm looking to get some acupuncture appointments set up as well.  Need to lay off the alcohol and caffeine, not that I have particularly much of either to begin with.  Already on a vague healthy eating kick, mostly due to trying to reduce my meat consumption (although I'm not a vegetarian).  I still find this whole thing a little bit surreal.  While I was away (visiting a dear friend with two small children, 3.5 and 1.5) it was very easy to be excited about this journey and look forward to trying.  Now that I'm back in my life though, it just doesn't seem entirely real.  I have so many other things going on and to do.  Part of me is still excited and hopeful, and then the other part is more cautious and whispers that I may not get pregnant anyway after all the trying.  So I guess I end up not wanting to think about it too much at all lest I get either depressed or anxious.  This doesn't stop my progress on my plans, but it does put me in a rather strange state of mind where this is something I'm obviously completely committed to, but then try not to think about it too much in the moment.

That may be challenged and it may become a bit more prominent once the cycle is underway however.  Probably.