T minus 4 Days Until First Birthday

Can you believe it? I certainly can't. Where does the time go??!!

I am in some ways incredibly sad that I have been unable to keep up with this blog to document MJ's first year of life. It's been an incredible whirlwind. So much has happened. Now it all seems like a beautiful blur.

I do say that overall I find I handle motherhood and life well, but the reality is that something has got to give. For me it's been my home (which is a tip), and things like this blog- things that used to fill my personal time. Also in this category are knitting, reading, cooking, tidying, and shopping.

I wouldn't change it for anything.

So what can I say that could in any way cover the gap from my last post? MJ will officially be a toddler on Saturday, although she is not yet toddling. She does want to stand up all the time. She's getting much better at pulling herself up to it, and has take a few tentative shuffles but is not yet confidently cruising.

I'm back at work full-time which also means my personal time is limited. Although I'm writing this at work, so what does that tell you?  The adjustment wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be. MJ was 7 months old when I returned to work half time for one month and 8 months old when I returned to work full time.  I think it was a very good time for this to happen as she was becoming an inquisitive, busy and active baby as opposed to a snuggly stay put newborn. So nursery was a great environment for her to explore new people, new toys, new things. I could not be happier with our nursery arrangement.

As an interesting side note, one thing I'm very thankful for is that in MJ's nursery class of 14 in total, there are 2 children (including MJ) with only a mom (and a donor) and 1 child with two moms. How cool is that? That means all of these children will grow up thinking that alternate families are just normal, and no child is isolated in that way.

And work is very stimulating and accommodating. I loved maternity leave. But I also love my job. I love that I am proud of what I do and feel I will be a good role model for my daughter.  I also love that for the most part, my job has a very good work life balance, which my previous career path did not. It feels like many things have fallen into place, and I'm happy to just focus on being a mother and doing my job. Things are set up to allow me to just... thrive in the environment I've created. I think that's just a fantastic gift that I've given myself. The space to just be and experience the life I've shaped.  I never want to take that for granted.

So maybe I should just post this now, so there is some sort of update. Work is busy, but maybe I can have this as a little procrastination thing, and update a little more often.

78dpo 13w4d - Sad dreams

They say that pregnancy dreams can be intense. I can't say I've noticed that my dreams are more intense than before, but I've always had rather epic and involved and very detailed dreams. Sometimes I have them in phases, and I have had some recently, but I've also not had some recently so I can't say I've noticed any particular change.

But I can say that because dreams are a way to deal with your current thoughts, that I have noticed a shift in content to often involve issues relating to my future child. For example, the other day I had a dream that my daughter ended up being very dark skinned, sort of like south Indian dark skinned. I'm sure this was brought about because I selected an ethnic donor. Now, I selected an ethnic donor who listed themselves as Caucasian and in the photos looked just a bit olive skinned tanned. Their ethnic heritage is Syrian, but I suspect that mixed with my genes, my child will look as I expected, Caucasian and a bit Middle Eastern perhaps which was what I was going for given that I'm always mistaken for Mediterranean of some sort or another and look like the Ashkenazi Jew that I am. But in my dream this child was very dark and I was fretting that I'd made some awful mistake and given her a harder life because she didn't look much like me as intended.

Last night I had a dream about relationships and fathers. My dream featured two men who I know from different couples that I know. These are lovely couples who I think have really wonderful relationships. The kind that most people don't have. I don't really remember my dream now, but I think one or both of these men were somehow available and I was talking to them, and then even in my dream it was some later 'scene' and I was explaining to someone else that I was dreaming of these men because I was feeling sad about the path that life did not pick for me and what I didn't have. And then I woke up.

Becoming a single mother was not my Plan A. I of course hoped to find the right person that I would have liked to have a family with. It just didn't work out like that. I don't regret my decision, and I don't feel bad about it in any way. But I suppose there are some particular uncertainties that come with, for example, using a donor, or not having someone else to rely on. On a day to day basis, I don't focus on these issues because I think they actually don't matter. Every new parent has fears and challenges that are unique to them and their child. I suppose it's just interesting to me what is actually playing out in the back of my head and being revealed in my dreams.

48 dpo 9w2d - First midwife appointment

I've had my first midwife appointment which was fine.  It took some time, as there seemed to be a lot of information to enter into the system.  I would say the meeting was mostly procedural.  There wasn't necessarily any new information from this meeting. She went over with me what vitamins I should be taking, what I should and shouldn't be eating, that I should be exercising but not adding new hardcore routines. I brought along a printout of the donor profile so I could answer any questions about 'the other side' which was useful. We touched briefly on where I might want to give birth, and who might be in the room with me. I don't know yet enough about my pregnancy to make any decisions about where to give birth, although I know I really don't want to do it at home. I think I will be too high risk for that anyway, but it otherwise it really doesn't interest me. The birth center is literally attached to the delivery hospital (same building) so you can always start off in the birth center and be quickly transferred if needed, which seems reasonable. But I'll find out more about how it works later in the pregnancy. We also discussed my relationship with the boyfriend and she agreed that a doula is probably a good idea for me, even if the boyfriend decides he wants to be involved. So that was good to talk about albeit briefly.

Part of the meeting was clearly to assess risk factors.  Because of my age (almost 42) and my weight (BMI 34.5) and my history of an abdominal surgery (ovary removal) this puts me at various risks for various things. So one of the things she set me up with was a meeting with an obstetrician.  I guess in the UK you don't meet with an obstetrician regularly unless you are high risk. So I'll go to be assessed and either they'll continue to want to see me or they'll release me back to my midwife team/GP. I may also have an extra scan due to my age. I'm also at a higher risk for pre-eclampsia so I'll need to start taking a daily baby aspirin at 12 weeks.

But basically that was all fine.  The next steps are that I scheduled a blood test for Thursday and I need to also provide a urine sample (in the smallest urine pot known to man I might add). I am now expecting 3 letters: a welcome from the midwife detailing our discussion and baby aspirin stuff; an appointment letter for my 12 week scan at the hospital which includes a permission form for the Nuchal screening; and, an appointment letter for a meeting with the obstetrician.  I've also confirmed that they don't do NIPT yet, so I'm going to schedule that next week. The midwife told me about another Cambridge based private clinic that offers it, but it's cheaper at the one I found already, so I think I'll stick to that. I think I'll also go for the Serenity Plus test over the Harmony. I don't think it makes very much difference at all, except I think I'll get the Serenity results quicker.

Oh, and I also asked about the Cyclogest/progesterone because I'm down to just a few days left. The midwife said I needed to call the IVF clinic to ask how long I should be on it, so I called them when I got back and had a very nice chat with one of the nurses who was there throughout my procedures. She said they normally would end around 7 weeks, and they're happy for it to stop at 9 weeks. She said it's up to me if I stop cold turkey or reduce then taper but it shouldn't make any difference at this point. So I think I will do a full dose tomorrow which is officially 9 weeks if you follow the retrieval/fertilization date. Then I will drop to one a day until I run out and I might every other day the last one or two. So that's one bit of good news that I don't have to be sticking things up my bottom twice a day very soon!

In other news, another woman on the forum in my group has miscarried which is just awful. I was hoping that we would not be the standard statistic as a group and yet we have reached it. And there could still yet be more. It's so heartbreaking. I try to stick to my mantra but am well aware there are still some big hurdles to get past. The NIPT and the 12 week scan being the big ones. I know that there is nothing I can do. What is going to happen is going to happen. The not knowing can be just so hard though.

IVF 1 - Day 20 3 day report

The embryologist called me this morning to report that I have 6, 3-day embryos.  One of the fertilized seven seems to have stopped after a two cell split and isn't expect to go any further.  Of the 6, four are very good and two are good.  Interestingly, from the thawed frozen eggs, the best looking 3-day embryo is one of the frozen, but the one that stopped after dividing is the other.

I discussed with the embryologist that we will wait until day 5 for a hopeful transfer.  He warned me that from these 6, I would be looking at 2-3 blastocysts comfortably, and that 4 would be an exceptional outcome.  Fingers crossed there is at least one.

I plan to transfer one blastocyst if I'm lucky enough to have more than one.  I really don't want multiples.  If it happens on its own, that's one thing, but I don't want to increase my chances by transferring two.

The laser assisted hatching will be done later today on all of the embryos.  The embryologist told me that if you do it on day 5 you risk injuring the blastocyst.  On day 3, the shell or zona pellucida is still thick and easy to nick with the laser.  It thins towards day 5 so becomes more difficult.  It seems a fairly routine procedure so I'm not too worried about anything going wrong.  Also, I asked, and it's completely fine and normal to freeze a blastocyst which has already had the assisted hatching.  I'm glad they said they'd cap the cost at £250 now!!  Otherwise that would have been £125 per embryo.  I would have spent it of course, but I'm glad for the discount with 6 to do.

I've been feeling pretty bloated and a bit crampy since the egg retrieval.  Looking online, this could also be due to starting the progesterone/Cyclogest.  I'm not loving that I've got to take a suppository twice a day for what I hope is something like the next 10 weeks.  I'll do it obviously, I'm just not loving it.  And I hope the bloating and cramps reduce.

I'm sort of amazed when I think about it- that eggs from my body have been fertilized with sperm and there is potential life in a petri dish at the clinic.  It's actually sort of hard to get my head around.  You spend so long focusing on trying to conceive, it's hard to imagine the jump to the next step. I'm not there yet of course, and all of this may not work and could go horribly wrong.  But a thread of me is still pretty hopeful and giddy with anticipation. 

More moving eggs

I've just gotten off the phone with the amazingly lovely head embryologist at my clinic.  While I type this post I am also refreshing my email inbox because of course I have more forms I need to fill in. However, he was very helpful about moving forward with arranging the courier to transfer my eggs. As it also happens, he knows the embryologist at the London clinic I used very well, so that's also good, or at least, makes me feel better- for no good reason whatsoever.

Apparently the receiving clinic does arrange the transportation.  So they'll do that, and then I'll just call up and pay.  Then hopefully all being well, my frozen eggs will arrive in Cambridge by the end of next week. That is then on time for me to start my IVF cycle with my next period which is due around May 5.

While chatting to the embryologist I have also learned:

• eggs are defrosted rapidly;
• so if none defrost, there may be time to defrost more; and,
• that for fertilizing both the fresh and frozen eggs at the same time they can use the same vial of sperm even though they have to be done through different methods.

So that was useful.  It was also useful to hear that because I am undergoing treatment, my first year of storage for all things needing storage is covered. It's only after the first year when I may start to have storage fees.  So that was good.  I was thinking I was going to need to cough up some more money to store things in Cambridge.

So the next thing to get on top of is the drug order and delivery.  I have a day in lieu that I need to take for work so ideally I can arrange that for the same day as the drug delivery and just be home to stick everything in the freezer.  As I'll be on 300 Gonal F a day for a while, that's going to be a lot of pens.  Instead of Cetrotide which I took during egg freezing, I'll be on something else (I'll have to look up the name at home) which you inject in the morning.  So Gonal F at 8pm every night and this other drug at 8am every morning starting on day 6 I think.  I also can't remember what she said the trigger was going to be.  But it's also something different because apparently the UK is having a Pregnyl shortage.

I keep refreshing my email but there's nothing there......

By the way, I've had very few comments on this blog, which is fine of course because the blog is a dumping ground for me more than anything else.  But I'd be happy to connect with other people, particularly if you're going through the same, have been through the same thing, or are thinking about it.  I'm on the SMC forum, or you can message me here public or private.

**UPDATED**
Of course there was something wrong with their system and my email address so the embryologist has just called (an hour later) to tell me and I've had to provide a different email.  Luckily, that came through so we should be moving along with the paperwork now!!

Moving Eggs

Following from yesterday's decision I got on the phone straight away this morning with my previous London clinic to see about moving my eggs. I had to leave a message but they called me back within an hour and I explained what I needed.  The clinic manager was able to email me through the consent forms for the transfer and also my credit note for the refunded storage fee (I paid for 10 years up front).  Of course they are also charging for their time in handling the transfer so that was slightly reduced.  But it works out to around £500 refunded, so that's good!  Of course it will probably go straight to storage at the Cambridge clinic, but whatever.

So now it's all about arranging the courier to move the eggs from London to Cambridge.  The London clinic said that usually if a transfer is being done within the UK, the receiving clinic arranges the courier.  So far this morning I've copied in the Cambridge clinic to all correspondence but I haven't had a response yet.  In this instance, the London clinic is winning in terms of quick turn around and responses, but hopefully the Cambridge clinic will check their email at some point today and it will move.

My only fear is that this doesn't happen efficiently and there is a hold up.  But that really shouldn't happen.  If the Cambridge clinic doesn't respond to email today, I will be on the phone with them first thing tomorrow.

In other updates I've also made a counselling appointment to discuss my use of a donor, although not for 3 weeks  yet.  Hoop jumping progress.

TWW 2 - Day 1

So I managed to trigger with the Pregnyl when I got home on Tuesday, around 6:15pm or so.  The Pregnyl is really fussy and annoying.  This time I managed to break open the glass vials without crushing them which was good.  But then I think a tiny splash of water came out when I snapped off the top of the water bottle.  Then, when I was priming the needle a tiny bubble of fluid came out and fell on the floor.  So I was feeling stressed when I finally managed to inject, only to do it in a funny way that's left a dark point bruise on my belly.

Having done some more reading around the internet, it seems that having two follicles (or three, or even sometimes four) is not at all unusual for an IUI so I think my odds are still 6% (or 11% if you consider both cycles).  I was a little disappointed by that, but I'm still happy that I had two good sized follicles for this cycle because that's got to be better than one!

On Wednesday my morning meetings went late so I only had 20 minutes for lunch and to turn myself around before the taxi came to take me to the clinic.  It's a small indulgence I have to take a taxi to the clinic but the alternative would be to cycle and I don't really want to cycle around the procedure.  In the grand scheme of things, the £14 return is really not an issue.

My procedure was a little bit late because the doctor had to come from the main hospital to the clinic.  Once she arrived it was all very quick and straightforward like the first time.  I was the only patient there.  I changed in the recovery area in my own little cubicle, then when the doctor arrived and all was ready, I walked with the nurse to the procedure room.  It was a little bit different from last time because there was no trainee doctor.  So the regular doctor did the procedure and this meant there wasn't any ultrasound.  I asked her about this afterwards, she said that because embryo transfer is similar to IUI, they would have used the ultrasound to watch the placement of the tube during the IUI for training, but it wasn't necessary.  It also wasn't necessary to scan my ovary to see if the follicles had released she said.  Basically, with IUI, it's a less precise procedure.  There's really nothing they can do other than the insemination at that point.  The ultrasound won't tell you anything and would potentially only be stressful if you didn't see that the follicles had disappeared or released.  So fair enough.

The way the IUI works at my clinic is the doctor gets you all prepped with the tube through the cervix, then the nurse knocks on the window to the embryologist's lab and he hands over the sperm through the window after confirming who you are.  I also have an ID card that I insert into a scanner that I think registers in the embryology lab as well.  At any rate, I had a chat with the embryologist as well with my legs all up in the stirrups.  I asked about the sperm motility since I didn't the first time.  I think he said it was 36 or 37 which was well over the 25 guaranteed by the clinic, so that was good.

The sperm got connected, inserted, the tube was removed and all was done!  They said I could lie there for a bit if I wanted or get up.  I decided to lie there for a bit but asked the doctor some more questions while I did so it ended up being useful.  While obviously I really want this cycle to work, I'm realistic that it may not so I asked the doctor about moving on to IVF.  She explained that I'd need to come in for additional consultation and that there's a lot more HFEA paperwork that needs to be filled out for IVF.  So I wouldn't be able to start an IVF cycle next month, it would have to be the month after.  But that's okay.  April is actually a very busy month for me so it would potentially be difficult to schedule scans around my work commitments.  Again, I obviously hope it doesn't come to that, but I guess I'm more of a realist than an optimist.

So now the two week wait begins again.  I've scheduled my progesterone blood test with my GP for next Thursday.  The clinic also gave me two pregnancy tests and the date to take them on.  I'll probably do the same thing as last time and start with my Ebay ones until the day I'm supposed to take them according to the clinic.  But maybe I'll use the extra one they gave me for the day before.

IUI 1 - Insemination

Here I am at the clinic waiting for my taxi to take me back to work. Is this for real?? Holy shit. I'm back to feeling terrified. But also skeptical, incredulous, in denial, etc.  I'm feeling a lot, but I can't put my finger on any one particular feeling.  Really it's a bit overwhelming and then all of the sudden at the same time it's so overwhelming I can't think about it at all.

I did the trigger last night at 6pm. Managed to not open one of the glass vials very well and it made a bit of a mess as when the top came off it crushed.  But it was okay.  I started to get a bit freaked out about the timing of the trigger versus the timing of the insemination today as they were scheduled for 20 hours apart.  On the internet, which you should never read for medical advice, there are so many women freaking out about the timing of these two things.  Basically the trigger starts the ovulation process, but it takes time.  Both the egg and sperm have certain lifespans and ideally you want those things to match up.  When I did egg freezing, the procedure was 35 hours after the trigger (I think) so this sort of freaked me out and I went for the earliest time they told me.  However, I asked the doctor about this at the procedure and she was extremely reassuring about success rates of 20 hour versus 35 hour (which is to say, they're basically the same) and that they believe they don't want to miss the egg window so better to go early.  Fine by me.

Anyway, I took a taxi to the clinic from work. They told me to be here at 1:45 and of course I was early. But they were running late. So I didn't go in until probably 2:15. No one else was in the recovery room and I had a cubicle to myself.  Jeans and underwear came off and a hospital robe went on the front.  I got to hold it together at the back which is always fun. The doctor and trainee doctor came in and explained the procedure. I think it took longer to explain then do!

We went into the procedure room and I got on the table. The lead doctor had an ultrasound on my tummy to watch the procedure and try to see the ovary. She couldn't see the follicle, which could mean it already started to release, or she just couldn't see it from that angle. The trainee doctor put in the speculum and cleaned the womb entrance with sterile water. A tiny catheter was put into the womb and then the embryologist passes over the prepared sperm. This was connected to the catheter, injected, and all was done!  The catheter was so tiny I didn't have any cramping at all.  Not like the Hycosi at all.  In fact, I didn't even know the catheter was inserted.

Now the waiting begins.  Since the egg may or may not be released yet, there is still some time (say, 24 hours) for it even to become fertilized.  Then it takes some time to properly implant.  I need a progesterone test in a week to verify l ovulated, although I can't imagine I didn't.  Then they gave me a home pregnancy test to take on the 11th of March.  This is actually a bit more than 2 weeks which sort of sucks.  I'm sure the waiting is going to be emotionally taxing.

But really, as the doctor said, that's all there is to it. She made an effort to express to me that there is pretty much nothing I can do at this point that will change the outcome.  She said, if I have a doubt about something, I shouldn't do it.  But not because it will make a difference, but more because it will make a difference to how I feel and my stress levels.  She said to keep taking vitamins and wait.

So that's pretty much all I can do....

In the meantime, assuming this cycle doesn't work, I asked about when I could order the drugs for the next cycle.  They said to call on the first day of my period if it starts and hopefully I could get the drugs and come in for a scan on day 4.  So.... obviously there's a much greater likelihood that this will be the case as opposed to the alternative.

Statistics

I managed to discourage myself by looking at success statistics for IUI using donor sperm.  Apparently for my age (41) it's around 5%.  That's pretty low odds I have to say.  This was somewhat tempered by a meeting over the weekend with a lesbian couple with a 1-year old who did IUI and got pregnant on the second cycle.  Of course she's ten years younger than me though.  So, a bit of discouragement and a bit of encouragement.  Also encouraging was that this couple used the same clinic that I'm using and spoke very highly of their experience there.  They're starting trying for a second baby now so it's even possible I'll bump into them at the clinic, although probably not.  They also told me that Pregnyl is not intramuscular so that was good news.  Apparently it's a bit annoying to mix and it requires breaking a glass vial, but it just goes in your belly like all the rest, albeit with a longer needle.  But this I can manage.  So that was good.

I am going to try a new approach with the boyfriend this evening in that I'm just going to talk factually about what's going on with me.  He either needs to come to some sort of acceptance about it, or he isn't going to in which case, he won't be able to be with me.  But at the moment I feel like it's this thing hanging over me which is sad and unpleasant.  To be honest, this is a hard enough journey on its own and I don't need something to be feeling bad about that's related.  I really hope that he can come around and find my perspective that our relationship trajectory, and the baby trajectory (that I started before I met him) are just different things.  I get that it's not traditional.  I get that it's hard.  I get that he's upset.  I just don't see that I can do anything else other than I'm doing.  And ignoring it is definitely not making it go away with the clock ticking.

Sperm success

So things went a bit quiet here while I searched for sperm and knew I had time before anything needed to start.  In the end, I decided to go with Xytex who had a reasonable number of CMV negative donors who vaguely matched my coloration.

First, let me have a rant about sperm banks.  I find it appalling that banks charge you a not unsubstantial fee just to look at the donors.  I paid $175.50 just for the privilege of looking at the full profiles of possible donors.  Now, I get that they don't want donor tourism and I can see why you may need to show you're serious by putting down some cash.  But I'm seriously offended that this payment isn't refunded when you make a purchase.  It's completely and utterly taking advantage of people who honestly need this service.  I can't express strongly enough how distasteful I found this aspect of the sperm searching process, or how pissed off it made me.

That being said, what choice did I have? I put down my money because it was important to me to search for a donor whose features were compatible with my own. That way potential future child will hopefully not be asked too many questions about where their looks came from as they should vaguely look like me!

In the end I found about 8 possible donors who were CMV negative and whose looks fell into my general range of attributes.  I was very thankful that my clinic were helpful in looking at all the donor profiles and advising me on any that would not be suitable for use.  Mostly this had to do with what sort of sperm vials were available, or if any were available.  In the end I got down to a shortlist of 3, then the 3 became 2.  And finally the 2 became 1 as the leading choice.

I could probably say more about how I selected a donor but I'm not sure any of it is particularly relevant.  I think it's probably somewhat personal.  There's no particularly clear way that you select one person over another.  For me, I mostly considered genetics and traits that I felt were desirable and that I felt complimented (or in some case counteracted) my own.  The donor is, in the end, just a donor.  Nature versus nurture and all of that stuff.  The potential child will also be their own unique independent person that will be all about them as individual and cannot be attributed to myself or the donor.  You can only go down this route so far before you just make a decision and hope that you didn't make a bad one.  What else can you do?

Anyway, I got in touch with my clinic and the bank and got all the information needed for ordering.  Because the bank is in the US, I paid on my US credit card so there was a bit of a moment increasing my credit limit on my US credit card and also ensuring that my US PayPal account was still up and running so I can easily transfer myself money from my UK account.  On the advice of my clinic I ordered 6 vials of sperm.  This, with the shipping came to an eye watering total of $5355.

So a good time to do a budget update.  I've used XE converter on today's date to do the conversion.  I've also rounded up to whole numbers for ease of calculating!

Previous total	£720
Donor 'looking' fee	$176/£119
6 vials of UK approved washed sperm	$4770/£3220
UK Shipping/delivery fee	$585/£395
New total	£4454

So you see, when you're spending that much money, I feel that really it would not be such a big deal for the clinic to refund you the 'looking fee' if you end up making a purchase.  It's really just rude.

So where are we at?  So far, before I've started any treatment at all, I've spent as much as a full IVF practically.  That sort of sucks.  After all, I have a budget for this process.  Everything I do before I even start trying is money taken away from the trying phase.  But, with 6 vials of donor on the way, that should cover that part of the process for all of the treatments I can reasonably afford.  So that's good.  Or scary.  Depending on how you look at it.

Sperm setback

I just had an email back from one of the larger US donor bank sites which was recommended by another egg freezer I chatted to on eggsurance. The bank told me they can't ship to the UK. This really sucks as so far they've had the largest amount of CMV negative donors who match my coloring. Back to square one.

Looking for Sperm

Trying to decide on a sperm donor is difficult.  My clinic gave me a list of 5 sperm banks that they recommend.  All of them comply with UK sperm donation regulations which means that the donor will be able to be contacted by the child at age 18 if the child desires.  And the child will be able to find out at age 18 who the donor was even if they don't choose to contact them.

In general I think this is a very good idea.  Before I started on this journey I had looked at some sites on the internet, and in particular sites where children of donors talked about their feelings and experiences.  I think one of the harder things a child of a donor has to deal with is wanting to know where they come from.  I read stories from donor children saying that they would walk down the street wondering if the people they passed were relatives.  I get that.  And I think that's not very nice.  So even before I knew that it was the law in the UK that you use a non-anonymous donor, I had already decided that this was a requirement for me.

The next thing I need to be aware of is that I am CMV negative.  This means that I can only use a donor who is also CMV negative.  If I was CMV positive, I could use a donor who was either negative or positive.  So this restricts my choices somewhat as more people are CMV positive.  On the other hand, limiting choice isn't necessarily a bad thing, because there are a lot!

Other things I have come to find out is that many donors are tested for various genetic diseases and you get profiles on their test results.  Some donors I have come across have tested positive for genes known to be related to certain diseases.  I haven't had my own genetic testing done, so I don't know what I may or may not carry.  This means that an ideal donor to me would not be positive on any genetic diseases, because what if I am too?  So this also limits some of the available options.

I talked to the clinic about what I should buy.  I mean, how much do you buy and should it be washed or unwashed or what?  They told me that for IUI I could get washed or unwashed.  If it was washed it needed to be >10 motility and if it was unwashed it needed to be >20 motility.  For IVF (assuming my 2 planned cycles of IUI don't work) unwashed is fine but it needs to be >20 motility.  Annoyingly, not all clinics give this information.  And I've also noticed that there seems to be a limited supply of >20 sperm. 

The clinic suggested I order 6 samples to cover my treatment.  My next surprise?  How expensive sperm is!  We're looking at around £600(±) per sample.  With shipping, that's around £3000 just for the donor sperm.  A bit more than I was anticipating.  That's basically the cost of both IUI cycles combined!  But it is what it is.  I know this process is expensive.  Still, if I spend that much and get pregnant on the first go- can you sell the samples back??  It's a bit weird.  I don't think I fully understand all the detail yet.

Really I'm just looking at donor profiles at the moment.  Trying to find one that meets the above criteria as well as my own criteria which is to be vaguely of my own complexion and look.  I've read up on being a single mother and a recommendation is to pick a donor with your own coloring so that you aren't always asked about the father if the child looks nothing like you.  I think that makes sense.  This also helps then to limit the options.

It's just that when you keep limiting the options and keep limiting the options you start to feel like you don't have any!!  Each bank that my clinic recommended has only 1-5 donors that meet the above criteria, if that!  On the one hand it feels like such a big decision.  This possible future child is going to be half made up of this mystery person.  It's a little bit scary because you don't know them.  You don't really know anything much about them.  And you don't really know what they look like.  On the other hand, this possible future child is half me.  And how much does the genetics matter over the nurture?  Ah, the age old question.  I'm sure that most of the donors would be perfectly fine.  I guess it's just that when you aren't picking the person because you love them and have a relationship with them, the ONLY thing you have to go on is their genetic contribution.  And that makes you feel a bit panicked.  Like somehow you're making a wrong choice.

It's not that it's a bad thing, it just seems like a particularly great responsibility, to have this level of choice, but then to feel that you aren't really informed enough to make a good one, you know?

At any rate, more donor updates as warranted.  Stay tuned.

Test Results

Various tests and results this week moves everything that little bit forward.  First, I managed to get my GP to do the majority of the blood tests the clinic said I needed to get which was good.  I need to call the GP tomorrow though because when the clinic called to tell me that my CMV was negative (more on that later), they also casually mentioned one of the other tests had some unusual results.  I didn't catch what she said and it was a very quick phone call, but considering the only other tests I had were HIV and HepB/C, you don't really want to hear that something was unusual!  Anyway, hopefully I'll find out more on that tomorrow.

The results of my AMH test that the clinic did on my first visit came back and was 8.5 pmol/L.  In early 2013, my AMH was 9.4 so it makes sense that it's gone down, although not by too much so that's great.  It means my fertility is in the low bracket but still completely reasonable for my age.  I also had a good number of follicles (11?) when the doctor did my scan. So although my fertility isn't like it was when I was younger, I'm in good shape for attempting to get pregnant naturally based on these results.

The AMH  test results also meant that I could go ahead with the second test that I needed to ensure that I could try an IUI cycle, which was the hycosi.  I had this on Tuesday.  It was a relatively easy procedure although not very comfortable.  I cycled up to the clinic from work (about 2 miles/15 minutes) and waited for my appointment.  I was shown to a recovery area and asked to remove all my clothing from the waist down (I left on my socks) and was given two hospital robes- one to put on the front and one to use as a dressing gown in the back.  The doctor came in and explained the procedure.  He was assisted by a nurse and another doctor who may have been training.  She didn't do anything, she just watched and asked questions.

They gave me some paracetamol to take when I arrived.  But otherwise, I hadn't taken anything or done anything special.  I think I emptied my bladder in preparation but that was all.  When they were ready for me, I walked into the procedure room which had yellow lights as it's the same room they use for embryo transfers (and the light waves can damage embryos apparently).  Up onto a gynecological table and I scooted down until my butt was hanging off the edge.  Then the doctor did some cleaning with a swab and went in with a speculum.  They put a very fine tube through the cervix into the uterus in order to insert contrast liquid into the uterus and therefore into the Fallopian tubes. This was not very pleasant and the insertion of the tube resulted in some cramping that felt like bad period cramps.  Although they subsided.  Then they removed the speculum and inserted the ultrasound at which point the liquid is sent in which also felt uncomfortable and a bit crampy.  They can see the uterus at this point and then need the liquid to flow into the Fallopian tube.  This required some pushing on my stomach which again was unpleasant although not that bad.  It mostly felt like I really had to pee and had cramps.  I couldn't see the screen they were all looking at but apparently it was all fine and they could see the liquid moving cleanly through the tube and then washing over the ovary.  My other tube was mostly removed when my dermoid cysted ovary was removed.  So that was okay.  Then everything came out and the procedure was done.

Apparently your body absorbs the liquid although you are told to expect some spotting which is pretty much what I've had.  They had me lay on the procedure bed for a bit in case I felt dizzy or woozy or anything but honesty I pretty much felt fine except for a bit crampy and a bit like I had to pee.  So after a few minutes they let me get up and go back to the recover room where I used the toilet, put a pad on, got dressed and that was that!

I had an appointment scheduled with a nurse to go through the next steps which I did.  I also had a lot of forms to fill out giving various consents and so on.  The UK has some very strict laws in place regarding fertility treatment, which is probably a good thing, but means there's a lot of paperwork to deal with.

We talked about what's needed to do the drug assisted IUI and the timing.  It seems clear that I won't be able to start a cycle until my first period in January as I'm away in December and January which makes scheduling around that challenging.  But that's okay.  It gives me time to get the donor sperm ordered which is proving to be its own difficulty but I think I'll write a separate post about that.  At this point, I'm just happy that the tests I've taken so far are good, and the next step is known and vaguely scheduled (as much as you can schedule an irregular period).

Budget update:

Previous total	£370
Hycosi	£350
New total	£720

First post

So I thought I'd make a new blog for this new venture.  For anyone new to this blog, you can read about my journey with egg freezing here.  I'm glad that blog has been, and continues to be a resource for women on their personal fertility journeys.

But lots of different things can happen after you freeze your eggs. You may decide not to have a child.  You may meet someone and find out you are pregnant naturally. You may meet someone and decide to use your frozen eggs to try to have a child with them.  Or, like me, you can begin the process of trying to become a mother on your own which may involve using those frozen eggs, or not.

When I started my egg-freezing journey, I of course had already started to think about the possibility of single motherhood.  When I spoke to the counselor she had suggested I move my planning forward, and yet here I am, just over 2 years after I froze my eggs and pretty much on the schedule I anticipated.

I haven't met a partner I want to have a child with, although I will mention that I do have a partner who I see regularly.  Our relationship is great, but at the moment, it's not the sort of one where you make a child together and tie yourself to each other for the rest of your lives.  He knows about my plans.  I'm sure I'll mention him again as this continues, particularly if I'm successful!

So, what's happened so far.

About two to three months ago I met with my new GP (I've moved out of London) to start the process of trying to get pregnant.  In Cambridge where I live now, there are limited options for clinics.  Due to the frequent nature of tests and scans, it is not feasible for me to continue with my London clinic.  So in Cambridge, there is basically one centrally located clinic which is also the NHS clinic.  You can either go through the NHS, or private.  I'm going privately but I also had to be referred by my GP.

So I met with my GP and she was very nice.  She scheduled me for a progesterone test and did a swab test.  Then I had to wait for my period to start so I could get the progesterone test 21 days after it.  I went on day 21 and my progesterone result was 18.  That was low, but my period didn't start.  So I spoke to the GP and he had me come in on day 28 when my progesterone was up to 34.2 (which suggests I've ovulated which was good!) and my period finally came on day 33.  In the meantime I followed up with the clinic and scheduled my first appointment for last Tuesday.  I had the initial consultation with one of the three doctors and she did an ultrasound and they took my blood for a new AMH.

We discussed my options for moving forward.  The discussion was pretty much in line with the last conversation I had with my egg freezing doctor.  If my AMH is okay and my Fallopian tubes are open (I'm scheduled for a Hycosi this Tuesday) then she suggests I try two cycles of drug assisted IUI.  She doesn't think I should waste too much time with it, but as it's much less expensive, and my fertility is unproven, then she thinks it's worth two tries. After that, it's likely to be fresh IVF cycles until I'm either pregnant or running low on resources or we decide that's not a good idea, and then (and only then) will we move on to the frozen eggs.

I've saved and set aside £30k for this journey which is no small thing by any stretch.  That's on top of the money already spent on the egg freezing.  You don't do something like this unless you are really really serious about it.  That money could all have gone to any number of other things.

So, this is where I'm at.  Tomorrow I will call the clinic to see if it's worth proceeding with the Hycosi based on my new AMH test.  I am currently shopping around for donor sperm which will probably be the subject of one of my next posts.  And because of holidays and travel, I'm likely to only be able to start my first cycle of trying to get pregnant in January.  But that's fine.  I have a plan, I'm moving forward, I'm taking action, and holy crap this is really happening.

Stay tuned.

Budget:

Initial Consultation	£370
Current total	£370