1y8m : My family is complete

On one of the threads on the SMC Forum there was a great comment from someone about their family being 'intact'.  Meaning, I may be a single parent, but I am not missing anything. My daughter is not missing anything. We were formed completely as a unit of two. It is what is always has been and it is complete.  Many people, when hearing 'single parent', assume that there is something missing, lost, or broken.  When you are a single parent by choice, this is not the case.

I think this goes hand in hand with the people who say to me things like, 'Oooh, but you're doing this on your own.... it's so much harder for you....' etc. etc.  This is a false economy statement because there is no 'harder than' in my world.  My life takes the right amount of effort for the choices I've made. I was not stranded or abandoned or left holding threads that I expected or relied on anyone else to hold for me.  My life looks different to a coupled parent, the way I think is probably different to a coupled parent, and I do make different decisions than a coupled parent (sometimes, and particularly about my social life in the evenings I imagine).  But it's not harder for me, it's just different.

I like this idea of completeness, or intact-ness as a way to describe my family. We aren't missing anything at all, we are whole and complete as we are.  And it goes without saying of course, but it's great!

1y6m : A person is not your happiness

This isn't entirely about parenthood. Really, it's about all relationships in life. I'm also going to preface this by stating that this is my truth. You don't have to agree with it, but this is my blog, so I'm going to say what I think.

You cannot expect another human being to be your happiness.  Not your family, not your partner, not your child.  No other human being is responsible for how you feel or should be responsible for how you feel.  People in your life can contribute to your happiness.  But they can't be your happiness.  And ultimately, how you feel is your choice and your decision. It's entirely within your control.

I learned this lesson after a horrible break up and a year of therapy where I came to the realization that having relationships (of any kind, although I was at the time focused on the romantic kind) is just dumb luck. A lot of people settle for less than what they want just to be in a relationship. That's fine for them. It's not fine for me. I do know some people who are ridiculously happy together. These people never tell me that relationships are hard work (although they of course say they require compromise) and often seem their most authentic selves when with their partners. And then there's everyone else.

So when I realized that the kind of dream relationship we're sold in movies and books isn't even anything remotely close to a sure thing, I determined that I obviously couldn't control whether I would be so lucky or if a magical person would magic up to be my special one.  I could make myself miserable forever due to dumb luck, or instead, I became determined to make sure that everything (and I mean everything) that was within my control, I made the best that I could, and work out what (that was within my control) would make me happy.  Because that was all I could rely on. And I could spend forever wishing and hoping and waiting for luck. Or I could make my world what I wanted it to be for me.

So I did that. And when I embarked on the solo mama journey, I had a budget- an emotional budget, a financial budget, and a time budget. I felt they were all fairly generous, but I knew there was a budget nonetheless. I was 41. I wasn't guaranteed a baby, no matter how much effort I put into the trying. And I knew, that although I would be sad if that happened, I would also be okay. Not just okay, I would have a good life that made me happy, but made me happy in a different way. 

Because my child is not my happiness.  She gives me so much joy, and contributes to the wealth in my life every day.  But if she had never existed, or if god forbid she is ever taken from me, I know that I can be happy again.  If I let myself.  And not because someone else makes me happy, but because I am in control of my own happiness.  No one else is, or should be, responsible for it.

End of soapbox rant for the day.

In other news, work is busy, MJ is SUCH a toddler these days, and everything else is pretty great!

1y3m13d : I rarely think about being a solo mom except...

Sometimes I wonder what to write here about being a single mother as opposed to just being a mother.  Honestly, most of my thoughts, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc. are about being a parent. It really doesn't matter what sort of parent you are.  But there are occasionally points where I think, "Oh yeah, this is where being a single mother makes it particularly tough."

One of those things is when I have any event to attend that is outside of work/nursery hours. My job doesn't require much travel, but there are occasional opportunities to take part in events that would require me to be away from Cambridge in the 'nursery window'. If I had an obliged partner, I could just have them take care of MJ when those events come up.  As it stands, I have to think very carefully about whether I want to pay for  a babysitter, lean on my boyfriend, or turn the opportunity down.  And I find that a lot of time I turn opportunities down. Because there are too many sometimes. I have to be choosy. And that's just business opportunities. Then there are personal opportunities- drinks after work, dinner with friends.  All of those are pretty much off my radar.  Again, if there was a guaranteed second supporter of MJ, we would negotiate these things.  But as it's all me, my default position is that taking care of her is my number one priority and other stuff comes second.  This will hopefully become a bit easier as she gets a little older and the people I can lean on to watch her expands (some people aren't overly keen or able to watch a small baby, and she is also at an age where she needs to really know the person I leave her with- it's not good enough if I know the person really well).  So there's that.

The other thing I think about is how this impacts my decision about more than likely only having one child. I'm not upset about only having one child, in fact I'm perfectly happy with one child. But my 'Plan A' of life included getting married to someone and having 2 children.  I can tell that I'm not really in a place to seriously think about a second child, because I'm still going through some of the tough stages with number 1 and when I think 'Would I want to do this all over again while still watching an older MJ?' the answer in my head is a resounding 'NO'. Aside from the fact that I often feel I'm at capacity taking care of just the two of us, I also think about things like how much I enjoy taking MJ to swim lessons. Well, if I had another child, aside from it being questionable if I could afford swim lessons for a second child, what would I do with MJ while taking the new child swimming?  This is where another set of hands would again make the decision much easier. I can do a lot with me and her. And I suppose if I had twins, where the children are of the same age and could do the same things, I would find a way to manage two. But two of a different age? With different needs and requirements? I can't be present for one and just leave the other dangling. So this reinforces my other feelings about having a second child. I can see how I could manage with another parent and live the life I want to live with my children, but I can't quite see how it works with just me.

On balance though, I have a great job that I love, and I don't mind that I can't go to as many evening events as I used to. And as I said, I feel reasonably sure I only want one child on my own anyway, so my thoughts on managing a second solo simply reinforces what I already think, which is fine. But otherwise, my days are filled with waiting for MJ to walk on her own, dealing with sleep issues, fighting over brushing teeth and wearing bicycle helmets, my heart melting when she says mama and gives me cuddles, and all the other things that just come with regular parenting and have nothing to do with being a single mom at all.  Which I guess I'm glad for- how little being a 'single' mom actually matters in my parenthood practice, as much as it is at the core of my parenthood identity.

1y1m27d : Single parenting thoughts - finances

I am a single mother. My daughter has one parent, me. And of course this comes with certain special issues that 2-parent families don't have to deal with. But most of the time, I don't feel any different from any other parent. In fact, I often think things are easier that it's ONLY me and my daughter and I'm not having to deal with another person in our family.

People sometimes say things like, "I don't know how you do it!" or, "You're so strong!". Really? Because I'm just living my life and I happen to be raising a tiny human. Sometimes I think that because I had a child when I was older, and that I was as prepared as I could be, particularly, although not exclusively, financially, that it's just a bit easier for me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm an academic. I do not make a lot of money. I'm solidly middle class with an income that is nowhere remotely close to six figures. But I had savings; and, I was lucky that trying to conceive didn't eat it all up.  I also don't spend as much as I once did on things like eating out, or gig tickets, or travel, because it's that much harder with a  young child. And I've never been much into clothes - I do buy clothes but I tend to wait for sales, or indulge in my eBay addiction for used stuff which is much, much cheaper.

And to be honest, raising MJ at this point in time isn't horrifically expensive (once you account for nursery, which IS horrifically expensive, but I've got that covered). The investment in cloth diapers was a bit of an outlay, but now I don't buy diapers, so I think that works out better in the long run (and, of course, I got a bunch off eBay so they were lower cost).  It means I have a bit of spending money for small indulgences- books and toys which mostly are pretty cheap. And I also get most of her stuff (like clothes) off eBay because it's ridiculous how expensive new kids clothes are and how very little they've been worn. It means I can pay for things like our WaterBabies class and not think twice about it when other moms I know say things like, "Oh, but that's very expensive isn't it?". I mean, I guess? But what else am I spending money on?

So would life be easier with two incomes? Maybe? But we'd need more stuff, more space, more food, etc. There are certain things that would be easier with another parent- like I could go do something and have 'free' childcare. But I do sort of have this because boyfriend will watch MJ if there's something I really need to do.  In the same way that many single parents have extended family who can help them out. I do know some single parents who are entirely on their own, but many have a village, or build a village that can support them. It's not the same as a partner who has an actual responsibility to the child, but a good network goes a long way. And if my village can't watch MJ, then I just have to pay for a sitter. It's not cheap (£10/hour) so I don't do it very often at all, but if I HAD to do it, I would do it and it's an option to me. It's not impossible, it's just money.

And let's face it, I knew that having a child would entirely shift my life, and my habits would change. I guess I'm just happy that overall, we're not struggling or anything. We're not rolling in it, but we're fine. We can have nice things (some gently used) and we can go on holidays and have nice food and swim lessons. What else do we need really? I guess because I don't know any different- that I've been on my own for so long, that I planned for having a child, and was financially ready to change my habits, that it's generally all worked out fine. Maybe I'd be amazed at how much more spending power I'd have if I had a partner? But somehow I don't think so. And anyway, it doesn't matter, because we're all good!

36w1d - baby belly bump

I'm 36w1d today, which is really nearing the end. On the one hand I feel like I've been pregnant forever, on the other hand, it all feels so quick. I think this is what happens as you get older anyway, but it doesn't change the strangeness.

Lately I've been thinking about, or trying to understand, that there is a real baby inside that belly of mine. I see pushing and movement, but what I see is a big skin balloon. I don't see 'a baby' and yet, at 36w there is a baby, pretty much completely formed and almost certainly capable of survival. But I just see a bump! I never had a 3d/4d scan of the baby so I don't have a particular impression of her physicality. Looking at regular scans is fine, but it's not a three dimensional baby you are looking at. I feel I'm getting more excited (and nervous) about her getting here.

I'm also at work for less than 2 weeks now. Handing over to my cover which has been great to have a 3 week overlap. Strange to think how easily I can be replaced! But actually work stuff is all good for me right now, as I will come back to a slightly different role doing something more in keeping with my background and expertise. So actually, work is really exciting, it's just strange to be leaving for a while. But I'll be very busy with other things!!

Also hard to believe my mother is going to be here in almost a month. This is an ongoing tension as my mother means very well and her heart is in the right place but she questions everything that I want or do. I keep telling her that I don't really feel the need to justify every decision to her and that it's insulting to me. But she keeps doing it. I think she also feels on some level she needs to put me down in order to make herself seem more needed, which is completely unnecessary. So I'm nervous about the help she is going to be giving me- if it's actually going to be helpful or if I'm going to want to kill her. Only time will tell.

I think the other thing about my mom coming is that she acts as if I'm all alone in the world with no one to help me other than her. As if my single parent journey isolates me in some way as opposed to being something I've been thinking about and actively planning for years. I have a good network around me to support me, and I'm also happy to pay people (like my doula) to support me post-natal. Not to mention the boyfriend, other friends, etc. But to my mother, every time I talk to her I have no one and nothing to help me (other than her). Again, it's frustrating, but we'll get through it. And I know I have my village/network so it's really more her issue than mine.

I need to get some more pictures of these final weeks! I really just can't imagine that soon she's going to be here and it's all going to be different. Eep!!!

33w2d - Less comfortable

I mean, it was bound to happen. But for sure the belly is getting bigger and the bladder pressure is getting stronger. Positively, I don't have to get up in the night to pee, but during the day I sort of feel like I need to pee all the time just because of the pressure on the bladder.

My hypnobirthing class is almost finished, and my NCT class is about to begin. The boyfriend has decided that he would like to be there for the birth so I said that he had to come to NCT class with me. I hope that goes well. He also needs to meet my doulas, and that's also in progress.

I need to chase up the solicitors here to get my will set up this month. I got in touch with them last month and asked them to email me. They called, and I repeated that I wanted them to email me, and then I got nothing through. This is not necessarily a great sign for these solicitors, but I just need a will drawn up and sorted before the birth.

I've started building the nursery furniture as I'm off work this week between Christmas and New Year. It's all gone slower than I hoped, although I think I've built the most tricky piece. I built the wardrobe and the storage unit. I still have to build the crib and the changing table. However, I can't build those until I move the sofa-bed downstairs, or rather, get someone else to move the sofa-bed downstairs. The storage units look great though, and they do hold a lot. So that's fab. Once everything is built, then the washing and sorting can begin!

Birth seems like such a foreign concept. It's amazing to me how unaware we are in modern society of the various mechanics of birth. They hypnobirthing class has been really good- and I'm looking forward to the NCT class as well. Although I'm intrigued, I'm not exactly looking forward to the birth. I can't imagine how it will be, so I try not to imagine how it will be. I'd like to have a good birth, to be one with my body, to sink into myself and emerge with a baby. But who knows. I have a bunch of appointments coming up this week and next. First is my 34 week scan on Tuesday. Wednesday I have an appointment with the consultant to discuss (and possibly schedule) induction. Did I say this already? I'm going to decline the early induction but I think I'll agree to induction at 40w in the hopes that I go into labor before then. Then the following week I have an appointment with one of the head midwives at the hospital to get permission if I do go into labor naturally that I can go into the birth center as opposed to straight to the delivery ward. I didn't really anticipate all this... hassle about giving birth.

In other news I've started perinial massage with ElastoLabo in the hopes of reducing any tearing during birth. This is probably one of my bigger concerns- I mean everything else heals but tears here can screw you up for life. The massage is not particularly comfortable and not the easiest to manage position-wise. But I'll stick with it because it really can't hurt and it seems like a good idea. At week 36 I can add the Epi-No to my routine. Watch, with my luck I'll be doing all this and then end up with a Cesarean! But anyway, as I say, it can't hurt and lets me feel like I'm doing something proactively to address my concerns.

I've had a mild cold all week which hasn't helped with anything. It's not a very bad cold, but enough to make me feel slightly under the weather. Hopefully I can get rid of it fully soon.

78dpo 13w4d - Sad dreams

They say that pregnancy dreams can be intense. I can't say I've noticed that my dreams are more intense than before, but I've always had rather epic and involved and very detailed dreams. Sometimes I have them in phases, and I have had some recently, but I've also not had some recently so I can't say I've noticed any particular change.

But I can say that because dreams are a way to deal with your current thoughts, that I have noticed a shift in content to often involve issues relating to my future child. For example, the other day I had a dream that my daughter ended up being very dark skinned, sort of like south Indian dark skinned. I'm sure this was brought about because I selected an ethnic donor. Now, I selected an ethnic donor who listed themselves as Caucasian and in the photos looked just a bit olive skinned tanned. Their ethnic heritage is Syrian, but I suspect that mixed with my genes, my child will look as I expected, Caucasian and a bit Middle Eastern perhaps which was what I was going for given that I'm always mistaken for Mediterranean of some sort or another and look like the Ashkenazi Jew that I am. But in my dream this child was very dark and I was fretting that I'd made some awful mistake and given her a harder life because she didn't look much like me as intended.

Last night I had a dream about relationships and fathers. My dream featured two men who I know from different couples that I know. These are lovely couples who I think have really wonderful relationships. The kind that most people don't have. I don't really remember my dream now, but I think one or both of these men were somehow available and I was talking to them, and then even in my dream it was some later 'scene' and I was explaining to someone else that I was dreaming of these men because I was feeling sad about the path that life did not pick for me and what I didn't have. And then I woke up.

Becoming a single mother was not my Plan A. I of course hoped to find the right person that I would have liked to have a family with. It just didn't work out like that. I don't regret my decision, and I don't feel bad about it in any way. But I suppose there are some particular uncertainties that come with, for example, using a donor, or not having someone else to rely on. On a day to day basis, I don't focus on these issues because I think they actually don't matter. Every new parent has fears and challenges that are unique to them and their child. I suppose it's just interesting to me what is actually playing out in the back of my head and being revealed in my dreams.

37dpo 7w5d - No Clever Title

Two days post scan and it's still just all a bit surreal.  What things can I say have changed?  My breasts are definitely a bit heavier and more sensitive; and possibly slightly larger.  Last night it was hard to get comfortable in bed, especially if I rolled on to my stomach.  In fact in general my sleep has been more disrupted.  I pee more.  I definitely feel more tired, especially in the evenings.  But otherwise that's it!  My colleague at work who has recently left for maternity leave said her first trimester symptoms really didn't start until week 8.  It's not that I want symptoms, but it's easy to forget that I'm pregnant!  Or at least, not fully believe that I'm pregnant.  Despite the visual evidence.

I've been looking into scheduling a NIPT locally.  I found a local clinic that offers both the Harmony and Serenity tests.  It's very difficult to get information on which test is better or why.  There are a number of other tests available, but these are the two I can do here, so that's better than a trip down to London.  Earlier this year, and following a massive research trial, the NHS decided NIPTs were a good idea to offer to pregnant women.  Unfortunately it's just still not clear that it's been rolled out or that I can get one this way.  I will see my midwife before 10 weeks, which is the earliest I could do a NIPT, so I will make absolutely sure I can't get it for free before paying for it. But I will pay for it, if I have to.  I feel reasonably confident that I would not continue a pregnancy with a known birth defect or serious chromosomal issue.  I realize this is a contentious issue, and it's one I hope I do not have to face. I am thankful however, that such tests exist.

In other news I continue to mull over my network/village and how various members have taken my news.  On the whole, my network is incredibly supportive and wonderful.  I feel very much accepted and supported by those around me (and around me in spirit but living far away!), and that's a wonderful thing.  But there are a couple of close nodes in the network which are not as stable.  The boyfriend and I have yet to talk about the pregnancy in any sort of detail.  In that, he does not ask me any questions. I tell him everything that is happening, and I make comments about the pregnancy, but he doesn't initiate conversations.  Of course I take this as his lack of comfort with the idea, which has been an issue throughout the process.  This may not be correct, and it could be that he feels rejected and so doesn't know what to ask or say as without my inviting him to participate more, he may feel I don't want him to participate more.  At any rate, this is something he and I will have to talk about sooner over later.  The other issue is my 'best friend' who has stopped talking to me since my positive result.  She has been suffering her own fertility issues, and is seriously depressed.  And while I understand to some extent that she finds my news too difficult to deal with, she is also married, wealthy, and already has 2 beautiful children from her horrible multi-year struggles with fertility treatments.  So it's also hard for me to be completely understanding, as to me, she has many things that I would have liked to have had, and is lucky in many ways, despite her struggles.  We live in different countries which makes the distance a bit easier to navigate, but also to perpetuate.  I wonder if I will hear from her again though, and I note with sadness that the longer the time for her to get back in touch, the more hurt, not less, I manage to feel about it.

In other unrelated news, I know pregnancy is counted in trimesters, but it's strange to think that as soon as I am 10 weeks, which is really not far away all things considered, I am 25% through my pregnancy.  That's insane! I know that as I've gotten older, time goes by faster and faster.  But it's crazy to think I can be almost 25% through something that I don't even barely feel yet and that very soon in the grand scheme of things, I will hopefully be a mother!! I know there is a long way (in some ways) to go between now and then, but in other ways, it's really no time at all.

IUI 1 - First scan scheduled

I am feeling a little bit less freaked out than I was yesterday.  Though still not entirely comfortable.  My period is not being very helpful this month.  Yesterday I had the barest bit of color and today it seems much the same.  No 'full flow' as it were.  I called the clinic and they said that they want the first scan to be between day 1-4 and that it really needs to be once full flow has started.  So they scheduled me for first thing Monday morning.  If my period starts in full tomorrow, this would still be day 4.  The nurse reassured me that there is a problem starting too early, not too late, so Monday would be fine.  I am of course now concerned that Monday is late somehow.  Funny how the brain works.

In other news, after my panic yesterday I did try to talk (text) a friend of mine who has been through years of fertility issues.  I was not particularly happy with how she responded to me.  Very terse and dismissive.  Of course I've supported her through her years of ups and downs.  With her experience, you'd think she might have been a bit more sympathetic.  It just means I can't really rely on her for talking which sort of sucks.  I also briefly mentioned my emotional state to the boyfriend.  To his credit he handled it well.  I'm trying to keep him in the loop and not put too much on him, as I said, he's barely processing his own emotions about it.  But he did okay.

I'm also trying to set up some acupuncture appointments.  I'm a bit late to the game here and I should have started earlier.  I could go for one today but I'd have to leave work early.  The next available appointment is next Saturday which is perhaps a bit late for it to be in any way effective this cycle, for as effective as acupuncture is.  Unless I go somewhere else of course.  I had some good experiences with it during egg freezing and I'm keen to do it again because I think it can't hurt and if it helps, great.  So we'll see how that goes.  At least I'm being reasonably good at taking my conception vitamins at the moment!  I can't say I'm the best at 'all the things you should do when trying to conceive'.  I'm trying.

Any Day

This morning I thought I might have my period but it was inconclusive.  It took me until about mid-day to need to use the bathroom.  As I went up to the bathroom I started to get nervous.  Then I got more nervous.  Then I started to freak out.  My period has not arrived.  But it should in the next couple of days.  Today is day 28, my cycle is somewhere around 32 but fluctuates.  This response wasn't what I expected from myself.  I considered upon reflection of my shaking hands and shallow breathing that I was actually a little bit terrified.  It's not that I'm having second thoughts about the plan.  And the success rate percentage for me is not particularly good, especially not doing IUI.  But it's still a really big deal.  And it could happen.  And somehow, that was very much frightening as I walked upstairs to use the bathroom.

Upon further reflection as I walked to lunch, I considered that part of the panic also comes from the isolation.  Who do I have to discuss this with, in respect to my fears and hopes and emotional state?  Most people I know, 'know' what I'm doing. But they aren't necessarily the people I want to bend the ear of sounding a bit insane rambling on about my emotions.  I mean, I could.  I probably just don't want to.  Especially not with those friends who have had their own fertility issues and journeys.

I also don't want to call on the boyfriend who had another freak out this past weekend.  He is having trouble accepting that I'm doing this, and how he views it reflects upon him and our relationship.  He doesn't want to leave me, but he's not happy with this either.  I am keeping him updated about what I'm doing, but I don't think he could handle my emotional stress on this issue when he's barely addressing his own.

So anyway, any day!  Things are going to happen.  That will statistically probably result in nothing happening. However, this blog might become a bit of an emotional dumping ground for a while as I process how I'm feeling through this journey.  Which I suppose is sort of what blogs are for.  You've been warned.

Almost, almost, ready to start

From the post below you'll see that I've got my sperm ordered.  The next thing to take care of is to schedule my first cycle of trying.  This will be a drug assisted IUI cycle.  My cycle seems to be relatively regular but is fluctuating between 31-33 days.  Because of this, the clinic has suggested a drug assisted cycle to be sure of when I am ovulating and to have the best chance of insemination.  This means I'll need to pay for the cycle in advance and pay for the drugs I'll be using and have them ready to go in the fridge for the start of my next viable period/cycle.  I'm going away for three weeks and based on a period calculator I used, my next period will start the day before I come back to the UK or the day before.  This makes January unlikely as the first cycle to try for.  Instead, I'll just go for February.  That way I'll have been back for a month, settled in to my routine, and on top of things.  I don't think coming back from a holiday and rushing to the clinic is the best way to go about this anyway.  So February it is.  This gives me a month and a half to get all of that set up, i.e., paid for, and to get the drugs delivered.

It's honestly unreal.  I can't really think about the possibility of getting pregnant because I think it seems to overwhelming.  And if I do get pregnant, I think I'm going to be completely freaked out.  Which is, I think, pretty normal.  Regardless of how you end up getting pregnant.

In other news, me and the boyfriend have had a bit of bumpy spot regarding my pregnancy plans.  This has been causing me much sadness because he is hurt and upset and also because it doesn't mean I'm changing my plans.  This in turn makes me feel bad because something I'm doing is hurtful to him, at a time when our relationship- between the two of us, seems to be better than before.  This situation tempers how I express myself about the baby plan.  I do talk to close friends about it, but I can't really talk to my partner about it without it becoming a conversation about something else really.  So I try not to.  That's weird, huh?  But then what I'm doing is maybe considered a bit weird, all things considered.  Relationships and big life decisions are complicated things.  I may write more about this at some point, but I'm mindful of his privacy, even though I don't think he knows about this blog.

First post

So I thought I'd make a new blog for this new venture.  For anyone new to this blog, you can read about my journey with egg freezing here.  I'm glad that blog has been, and continues to be a resource for women on their personal fertility journeys.

But lots of different things can happen after you freeze your eggs. You may decide not to have a child.  You may meet someone and find out you are pregnant naturally. You may meet someone and decide to use your frozen eggs to try to have a child with them.  Or, like me, you can begin the process of trying to become a mother on your own which may involve using those frozen eggs, or not.

When I started my egg-freezing journey, I of course had already started to think about the possibility of single motherhood.  When I spoke to the counselor she had suggested I move my planning forward, and yet here I am, just over 2 years after I froze my eggs and pretty much on the schedule I anticipated.

I haven't met a partner I want to have a child with, although I will mention that I do have a partner who I see regularly.  Our relationship is great, but at the moment, it's not the sort of one where you make a child together and tie yourself to each other for the rest of your lives.  He knows about my plans.  I'm sure I'll mention him again as this continues, particularly if I'm successful!

So, what's happened so far.

About two to three months ago I met with my new GP (I've moved out of London) to start the process of trying to get pregnant.  In Cambridge where I live now, there are limited options for clinics.  Due to the frequent nature of tests and scans, it is not feasible for me to continue with my London clinic.  So in Cambridge, there is basically one centrally located clinic which is also the NHS clinic.  You can either go through the NHS, or private.  I'm going privately but I also had to be referred by my GP.

So I met with my GP and she was very nice.  She scheduled me for a progesterone test and did a swab test.  Then I had to wait for my period to start so I could get the progesterone test 21 days after it.  I went on day 21 and my progesterone result was 18.  That was low, but my period didn't start.  So I spoke to the GP and he had me come in on day 28 when my progesterone was up to 34.2 (which suggests I've ovulated which was good!) and my period finally came on day 33.  In the meantime I followed up with the clinic and scheduled my first appointment for last Tuesday.  I had the initial consultation with one of the three doctors and she did an ultrasound and they took my blood for a new AMH.

We discussed my options for moving forward.  The discussion was pretty much in line with the last conversation I had with my egg freezing doctor.  If my AMH is okay and my Fallopian tubes are open (I'm scheduled for a Hycosi this Tuesday) then she suggests I try two cycles of drug assisted IUI.  She doesn't think I should waste too much time with it, but as it's much less expensive, and my fertility is unproven, then she thinks it's worth two tries. After that, it's likely to be fresh IVF cycles until I'm either pregnant or running low on resources or we decide that's not a good idea, and then (and only then) will we move on to the frozen eggs.

I've saved and set aside £30k for this journey which is no small thing by any stretch.  That's on top of the money already spent on the egg freezing.  You don't do something like this unless you are really really serious about it.  That money could all have gone to any number of other things.

So, this is where I'm at.  Tomorrow I will call the clinic to see if it's worth proceeding with the Hycosi based on my new AMH test.  I am currently shopping around for donor sperm which will probably be the subject of one of my next posts.  And because of holidays and travel, I'm likely to only be able to start my first cycle of trying to get pregnant in January.  But that's fine.  I have a plan, I'm moving forward, I'm taking action, and holy crap this is really happening.

Stay tuned.

Budget:

Initial Consultation	£370
Current total	£370