As the time gets closer for baby to arrive, and for my mother to arrive, she has become more problematic. Last weekend we got into a huge fight which kicked off because she started angling to again 'be at the birth' because she hopes that when she arrives the baby won't be here yet. When I was in the States in October, we arranged her ticket. I kept suggesting she come on the 28th (2 weeks past due date) but she insisted on coming on the 22nd. Again, this was really because she was trying/hoping to be here before the baby comes which would force the issue of her being here for it even though I've told her more than once that I don't want her there.
At any rate, she started in again last weekend which put me in the awkward position of again having to tell her that I don't want her there at which point she started telling how I 'wasn't very nice'. I don't think I can possibly explain how invasive this came across to me as. As if my body, and my intimate experience with my birth and baby had anything to do with her at all? On top of which, to continue to not respect that we've already had this conversation and to push it with me was infuriating. And so this degenerated into a full on argument with accusations flying and history being dragged up. On the one hand, it completely cemented for me exactly WHY I don't want her here for the birth, but on the other hand, it made me so angry and upset which is not the mental state that I need to be in as I prepare for birth.
I don't like the person that I feel forced to become around my mother. But she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't take any responsibility for her own failings. And if I give her an inch, she takes a mile. So no inch can be given. This was reiterated yesterday when we spoke for the first time since last weekend (which is actually about our normal rate of communication so not odd) and the talk was going completely fine until she brought up that she wants me to call her when I go into labor. I told her I'm not calling anyone when I go into labor. She said she wasn't 'anyone' she was my mother and I reiterated that I'm not calling anyone at which point she again started to say I wasn't very nice and then just said she was going to hang up and I said fine, so we hung up on each other before a fight could kick off again.
The thing is, if she'd asked much earlier - emphasis on ASKED - about how she could be involved or expressed a desire to be involved, then maybe I could have worked something out with her. But a week after her manipulative crap about wanting to be there for the birth is not the time to try to invent an alternative way to get what she wants. I don't really see the point of telling her when I go into labor, as I won't want to 'be in touch' with her during labor, and she'll need to wait until I'm ready to announce baby anyway. It would give her the window needed to ring the hospital or other people to bother them if I'm not answering the phone. And labor can take an unknown amount of time. It could be 3 days from when I text her to 3 hours. I'm not sure why she wants to know this other than to secure her place 'at my birth' in whatever way possible. I am not at all convinced, that she wants to know because she is concerned about me in any way. It's all about her. And frankly, my birth is in no way about her, and hence, she is not invited.
Such a fucking mess. It's really frustrating. I don't like how we interact. I don't like that she's manipulative and doesn't respect my choices and authority. I worry about the future and how she will be around me and my daughter. I worry about how I will respond to how she behaves because I don't like the person she brings out in me.
I've said this before, and it's worth saying again, that my mother does all of this from a good place in her heart. She does mean well, and she does love me, and loves this unborn baby more than anything in the world. But she doesn't see how she acts. She doesn't acknowledge when she is rude, dismissive, or disrespectful. She doesn't involve me in her decisions (about me), and treats me like an honest to god child, not a 42 year old woman. This leads to an acrimonious relationship that sits just underneath both of us holding it together most of the time. But birth is emotional and personal and raw; and you can't keep up the nice facade this close to it.
I really hope that I have people in place (doulas, boyfriend) to help manage her being here, and that she does surprise me (as people keep suggesting) and is actually helpful and calm and positive. Right now though, I feel incredibly wary of her, and maybe it's my emerging mama bear coming out, but I have even less tolerance and patience than I would normally try to when it comes to dealing with her. Anyway, we'll see. In the meantime, I'm trying to get her out of my mind and go back to focusing on having a positive birth experience. One that doesn't include my mother.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Friday, December 16, 2016
31w2d - Hypnobirthing class and things
Pregnancy progressing- bump getting bigger. I still feel pretty good in general. Maybe I am starting to need to pee a bit more often but not to the point where it's unreasonable, and I don't get up at night needing to pee, so that's good.
I have one more week of work before the holiday break. I'm definitely looking forward to some 'nesting' time at home. My IKEA deliver is coming a week from today so most of the break will be spent setting up the nursery. I can finally start washing and sorting all the bags of hand-me-downs which would be fun and exciting. I also have some new things to wash and get ready like muslins, wipes, and cloth outer nappies. I'm just looking forward to starting to prepare.
The other day baby girl was in a position where I didn't feel her very strongly. My midwife definitely got me a bit anxious about 'not feeling her kick' which I don't think was helpful. With the anterior placenta, I think sometimes she's just muffled and I don't notice her moving for a while. With what the midwife said, this of course makes me start to worry that something is wrong. Then the next day, I feel her moving fine. I understand being aware of risks, but I don't think this is something I need to be so anxious about so I'm trying to manage it.
Went to my second hypnobirthing class last night. I've added a link to the right-hand side bar if any one is interested in finding classes in the UK or for more information. I am interested in the theories behind hypnobirthing, even if I find self-hypnosis challenging. I'm not sure that part matters so much, more the understanding of the state you are trying to achieve. I won't know until the moment obviously but if I hold on to the ideas of the course, I may be able to find that mental state in my own way at the time. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the visualization and positive thinking that goes with it.
The big thing on the pregnancy agenda right now is the process of birth. Induction or no induction? And where can I give birth? I am off work from the first of February. My plan is to do every old wives tale in the book daily to try to jump start labor. This includes nipple stimulation, orgasms, eating spicy food, raspberry leaf tea, acupuncture, reflexology, etc. Anything and everything, I'm pretty much up for it so that I can, if possible, avoid an induction. If I get to my due date at 40w, I may decide to go ahead with the induction. So we'll see. The thing is, right now they are telling me I can't go to the birthing center because I'm over 40. Apparently if I go into labor, I will need 'continuous monitoring' which they only do on the delivery unit. But that's ridiculous if there are no other risk factors and anyway they do intermittent monitoring (every 15 minutes) in the birth center, so what the fuck? I may need to go have a meeting with the head of the center to get permission to go to the birth center. I find this all frustrating. And then I hear in class, that although you may not be allowed in the birth center, you are allowed, or rather, they can't stop you from having a home birth. Now, I in no way whatsoever want a home birth. But if threatening them with me deciding to have a home birth is what makes them relent and allow me into the birth center if I happen go to into labor, then we'll see. It's really all a bit ridiculous and annoying. Which is not how you want to be feeling about giving birth. I have a meeting on Sunday with my doulas to discuss options and strategies. Fucking hell.
Friday, August 26, 2016
15w2d - Family
I've had two very different talks with my parents over the past week. I try to talk to my parents (individually, they're divorced) once a week or so. Sometimes it works out to every other week. Sometimes longer. My parents are incredibly different people and my relationship with them individually is also very different.
My dad is good with money. By good with money, I also mean he can also be cheap and frustrating and does not live in a way that I agree with by any stretch. But when it comes to saving money and planning for the future financially, his advice is very useful. So I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago asking if I should be looking at life insurance policies. When we spoke on the phone he said no, because he would help support the child if something happened to me, in that all of my inheritance from him would then be for my daughter. This led on to talking about who might care for my daughter if something happened to me, and how that would work. It was all a very reasonable conversation but did make me think that I should get on top of that before giving birth. My dad pointed out, rightly, that if something happened to me during the birth, I needed plans in place. Of course there is zero reason to think anything so dramatic will happen, but that was sensible advice. It's also important seeing as I have no siblings and both of my parents are old and in my opinion, not capable of caring for a young child (or a child in general at their ages) so it is important and something I need to discuss. I have a couple of very close friends in mind I could speak to about it, so that's the new plan. So that was my discussion with my dad.
My mom and I have a difficult relationship. We don't always get on and there's a lot of underlying animosity on both sides. I find my mother very difficult to deal with, as I'm sure she finds me. It's just how it is. But impending grandchild has raised all sorts of issues that cause me continual stress. For starters, my mother is just inviting herself along to 'be here' for indefinite periods of time without asking. She informed me that she plans to get a one way ticket to the UK and will return when we agree it's a good time. I've stressed to her that I really do not want her here for any more than 6 weeks at a time, and even that seems excessive to me. Especially considering she will want to stay in my (small) house and be on top of me all that time. I know she believes that she will be helpful, but my mother has ideas of what being helpful means and then there is the actuality of what she will do. She thinks being helpful will mean holding the baby whereas what being helpful really means will be cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.. I suggested she may want to not stay with me the whole time but she didn't like that either, again saying 'we can decide at the time' as if having arguments about kicking her out because I don't want her in my house anymore is going to be easier than her just having a place she can go to when it's obvious she needs a)sleep or b) to give me space? I also thought it would be useful to tell her my intentions regarding child guardianship which did not go over well. She clearly assumed that if something happened to me that she would just have the child. Which I can't see. On top of which it would create all sorts of issues of having any relationship with my father (my parents are not cordial) and it would also mean my dad, out of spite, would then not support the child either. So aside from the fact that my mother physically really can't do it, it's not good for any number of other reasons. But she got all shitty with me about it, although eventually seemed to come around to accepting that it's my decision. Just a fucking headache. I wish she would stop assuming things about me and child and ask me what I want or what she can do. She gets overly upset if I disagree with her 'wonderful plans' but she didn't ASK me what I need or want. Because the reality of the situation is it has nothing to do with what I need or want and everything to do with what she wants. As it gets closer to the time, I will put my foot down, and I guess it's good to have these preliminary conversations now as it exposes various things. It's just that every one feels like a battle. Really not fun at all.
My dad is good with money. By good with money, I also mean he can also be cheap and frustrating and does not live in a way that I agree with by any stretch. But when it comes to saving money and planning for the future financially, his advice is very useful. So I had emailed him a couple of weeks ago asking if I should be looking at life insurance policies. When we spoke on the phone he said no, because he would help support the child if something happened to me, in that all of my inheritance from him would then be for my daughter. This led on to talking about who might care for my daughter if something happened to me, and how that would work. It was all a very reasonable conversation but did make me think that I should get on top of that before giving birth. My dad pointed out, rightly, that if something happened to me during the birth, I needed plans in place. Of course there is zero reason to think anything so dramatic will happen, but that was sensible advice. It's also important seeing as I have no siblings and both of my parents are old and in my opinion, not capable of caring for a young child (or a child in general at their ages) so it is important and something I need to discuss. I have a couple of very close friends in mind I could speak to about it, so that's the new plan. So that was my discussion with my dad.
My mom and I have a difficult relationship. We don't always get on and there's a lot of underlying animosity on both sides. I find my mother very difficult to deal with, as I'm sure she finds me. It's just how it is. But impending grandchild has raised all sorts of issues that cause me continual stress. For starters, my mother is just inviting herself along to 'be here' for indefinite periods of time without asking. She informed me that she plans to get a one way ticket to the UK and will return when we agree it's a good time. I've stressed to her that I really do not want her here for any more than 6 weeks at a time, and even that seems excessive to me. Especially considering she will want to stay in my (small) house and be on top of me all that time. I know she believes that she will be helpful, but my mother has ideas of what being helpful means and then there is the actuality of what she will do. She thinks being helpful will mean holding the baby whereas what being helpful really means will be cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.. I suggested she may want to not stay with me the whole time but she didn't like that either, again saying 'we can decide at the time' as if having arguments about kicking her out because I don't want her in my house anymore is going to be easier than her just having a place she can go to when it's obvious she needs a)sleep or b) to give me space? I also thought it would be useful to tell her my intentions regarding child guardianship which did not go over well. She clearly assumed that if something happened to me that she would just have the child. Which I can't see. On top of which it would create all sorts of issues of having any relationship with my father (my parents are not cordial) and it would also mean my dad, out of spite, would then not support the child either. So aside from the fact that my mother physically really can't do it, it's not good for any number of other reasons. But she got all shitty with me about it, although eventually seemed to come around to accepting that it's my decision. Just a fucking headache. I wish she would stop assuming things about me and child and ask me what I want or what she can do. She gets overly upset if I disagree with her 'wonderful plans' but she didn't ASK me what I need or want. Because the reality of the situation is it has nothing to do with what I need or want and everything to do with what she wants. As it gets closer to the time, I will put my foot down, and I guess it's good to have these preliminary conversations now as it exposes various things. It's just that every one feels like a battle. Really not fun at all.
Monday, August 15, 2016
13w5d - Sneaking doubt
I've decided to change the timing to my actual week count according to my midwife. It's just easier.
So at almost 14 weeks, I again feel 'not pregnant'. Nothing has happened, and nothing has changed. Or perhaps I get more comfortable with the subtle changes so they seem less new. At any rate, this means the doubt starts to creep in that something has happened that I am otherwise unaware of. I of course have no reason to think that something has happened. I have had no cramps, no spotting, nothing at all to suggest I am anything other than pregnant. It's just weird.
This weekend some friends of mine came to visit with their 2 children. I haven't seen them for a while, and I had not yet met new baby who was not so new anymore. They brought me a whole bag filled of baby clothes and some other goodies which was awesome. Although some are not labeled in English so it's not entirely obviously what size they are for, but if I put them next to the ones that I can read, it will be easy enough to work out. I mean really, what fits the baby fits, when it doesn't, they've outgrown it! For some reason I expected some of the hand-me-downs from their youngest who is a boy, but they managed to give me a bag from their eldest who is a girl. Apparently it's been used by someone else in between, but who cares? What was funny was how pink and purple everything was! Also white with some grey and beige, but mostly pink and purple. I guess that's the way forward! I was saying to a work colleague today that someone really needs to make non-gendered baby clothes in rainbow colors or lovely greens and oranges and yellows and browns. Why so much gendered clothing? It's ridiculous. It's also why one of the few items of clothing I am likely to indulge in is this number from a designer I've seen at shows in London for years.
One of the things my friends also brought was their fetal Doppler. We gave it a go and couldn't find the heartbeat. This was not entirely unexpected because first, it says it's for use from 14 weeks which I'm not yet; second, I've got extra belly padding which makes finding something the size of a lentil inside of a lemon inside my gut less easy; and third, from my NIPT scan, I learned I have an anterior placenta which can also make it difficult to find the heartbeat. While this didn't immediately fill me with panic, it also didn't help with my general feelings of 'not pregnant'. I don't have a midwife appointment for 2 weeks, so there is nothing to do but go about my daily business and hope that something starts to happen at some point that indicates to me that I might actually be pregnant! I mean, other than not having my period, having a tiny bit of a bump obvious to only me, firmer breasts, and more sensitive nipples.
In other news I've scored some great buys on eBay for maternity clothes and I will continue to scour the listings. I got a few things today. I think I've spent in total £25 on a few auctions and have 3 tops, 3 pairs of jeans, and two pairs of leggings. Considering one pair of jeans new is around £25, I feel pretty good about this. Some of it arrived today and looks great, so I'll wash it and have everything ready for when I need it. Currently scouting pajamas, a bathing suit, and more tops.
So at almost 14 weeks, I again feel 'not pregnant'. Nothing has happened, and nothing has changed. Or perhaps I get more comfortable with the subtle changes so they seem less new. At any rate, this means the doubt starts to creep in that something has happened that I am otherwise unaware of. I of course have no reason to think that something has happened. I have had no cramps, no spotting, nothing at all to suggest I am anything other than pregnant. It's just weird.
This weekend some friends of mine came to visit with their 2 children. I haven't seen them for a while, and I had not yet met new baby who was not so new anymore. They brought me a whole bag filled of baby clothes and some other goodies which was awesome. Although some are not labeled in English so it's not entirely obviously what size they are for, but if I put them next to the ones that I can read, it will be easy enough to work out. I mean really, what fits the baby fits, when it doesn't, they've outgrown it! For some reason I expected some of the hand-me-downs from their youngest who is a boy, but they managed to give me a bag from their eldest who is a girl. Apparently it's been used by someone else in between, but who cares? What was funny was how pink and purple everything was! Also white with some grey and beige, but mostly pink and purple. I guess that's the way forward! I was saying to a work colleague today that someone really needs to make non-gendered baby clothes in rainbow colors or lovely greens and oranges and yellows and browns. Why so much gendered clothing? It's ridiculous. It's also why one of the few items of clothing I am likely to indulge in is this number from a designer I've seen at shows in London for years.
One of the things my friends also brought was their fetal Doppler. We gave it a go and couldn't find the heartbeat. This was not entirely unexpected because first, it says it's for use from 14 weeks which I'm not yet; second, I've got extra belly padding which makes finding something the size of a lentil inside of a lemon inside my gut less easy; and third, from my NIPT scan, I learned I have an anterior placenta which can also make it difficult to find the heartbeat. While this didn't immediately fill me with panic, it also didn't help with my general feelings of 'not pregnant'. I don't have a midwife appointment for 2 weeks, so there is nothing to do but go about my daily business and hope that something starts to happen at some point that indicates to me that I might actually be pregnant! I mean, other than not having my period, having a tiny bit of a bump obvious to only me, firmer breasts, and more sensitive nipples.
In other news I've scored some great buys on eBay for maternity clothes and I will continue to scour the listings. I got a few things today. I think I've spent in total £25 on a few auctions and have 3 tops, 3 pairs of jeans, and two pairs of leggings. Considering one pair of jeans new is around £25, I feel pretty good about this. Some of it arrived today and looks great, so I'll wash it and have everything ready for when I need it. Currently scouting pajamas, a bathing suit, and more tops.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
78dpo 13w4d - Sad dreams
They say that pregnancy dreams can be intense. I can't say I've noticed that my dreams are more intense than before, but I've always had rather epic and involved and very detailed dreams. Sometimes I have them in phases, and I have had some recently, but I've also not had some recently so I can't say I've noticed any particular change.
But I can say that because dreams are a way to deal with your current thoughts, that I have noticed a shift in content to often involve issues relating to my future child. For example, the other day I had a dream that my daughter ended up being very dark skinned, sort of like south Indian dark skinned. I'm sure this was brought about because I selected an ethnic donor. Now, I selected an ethnic donor who listed themselves as Caucasian and in the photos looked just a bit olive skinned tanned. Their ethnic heritage is Syrian, but I suspect that mixed with my genes, my child will look as I expected, Caucasian and a bit Middle Eastern perhaps which was what I was going for given that I'm always mistaken for Mediterranean of some sort or another and look like the Ashkenazi Jew that I am. But in my dream this child was very dark and I was fretting that I'd made some awful mistake and given her a harder life because she didn't look much like me as intended.
Last night I had a dream about relationships and fathers. My dream featured two men who I know from different couples that I know. These are lovely couples who I think have really wonderful relationships. The kind that most people don't have. I don't really remember my dream now, but I think one or both of these men were somehow available and I was talking to them, and then even in my dream it was some later 'scene' and I was explaining to someone else that I was dreaming of these men because I was feeling sad about the path that life did not pick for me and what I didn't have. And then I woke up.
Becoming a single mother was not my Plan A. I of course hoped to find the right person that I would have liked to have a family with. It just didn't work out like that. I don't regret my decision, and I don't feel bad about it in any way. But I suppose there are some particular uncertainties that come with, for example, using a donor, or not having someone else to rely on. On a day to day basis, I don't focus on these issues because I think they actually don't matter. Every new parent has fears and challenges that are unique to them and their child. I suppose it's just interesting to me what is actually playing out in the back of my head and being revealed in my dreams.
But I can say that because dreams are a way to deal with your current thoughts, that I have noticed a shift in content to often involve issues relating to my future child. For example, the other day I had a dream that my daughter ended up being very dark skinned, sort of like south Indian dark skinned. I'm sure this was brought about because I selected an ethnic donor. Now, I selected an ethnic donor who listed themselves as Caucasian and in the photos looked just a bit olive skinned tanned. Their ethnic heritage is Syrian, but I suspect that mixed with my genes, my child will look as I expected, Caucasian and a bit Middle Eastern perhaps which was what I was going for given that I'm always mistaken for Mediterranean of some sort or another and look like the Ashkenazi Jew that I am. But in my dream this child was very dark and I was fretting that I'd made some awful mistake and given her a harder life because she didn't look much like me as intended.
Last night I had a dream about relationships and fathers. My dream featured two men who I know from different couples that I know. These are lovely couples who I think have really wonderful relationships. The kind that most people don't have. I don't really remember my dream now, but I think one or both of these men were somehow available and I was talking to them, and then even in my dream it was some later 'scene' and I was explaining to someone else that I was dreaming of these men because I was feeling sad about the path that life did not pick for me and what I didn't have. And then I woke up.
Becoming a single mother was not my Plan A. I of course hoped to find the right person that I would have liked to have a family with. It just didn't work out like that. I don't regret my decision, and I don't feel bad about it in any way. But I suppose there are some particular uncertainties that come with, for example, using a donor, or not having someone else to rely on. On a day to day basis, I don't focus on these issues because I think they actually don't matter. Every new parent has fears and challenges that are unique to them and their child. I suppose it's just interesting to me what is actually playing out in the back of my head and being revealed in my dreams.
Friday, July 29, 2016
65dpo 11w5d - And still waiting
Okay, okay. Today is really 9 days which was the earliest they said it would come. But it's getting to me more and more.... I had a nightmare about it last night. I really hope the results come by the end of today. Don't know if they work on Saturdays. Assume not Sunday. So if not today possibly next possible day is Monday? Ugh. I'm going to lose my shit if it comes back inconclusive and needing another blood draw.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
56dpo 10w3d - 25%
According to my retrieval/fertilization date, I am exactly 10 weeks today (despite my LMP tracking date). If a pregnancy is around 40 weeks, that means I'm a quarter done already. I know that pregnancy counts in trimesters, but 40 doesn't divide well into 3. And anyway, at this stage, counting days and weeks is more the thing. So 25% it is.
Tomorrow I have arranged an NIPT and a scan. I'm nervous about the scan- that it will show that things have gone wrong. I will be very relieved if it doesn't, but I'm nervous now just the same. Today is also the first day that I'm completely off the progesterone/Cyclogest. There was nothing notable about reducing the progesterone, so it should be fine to go off completely now. Yet another removal of something that made me feel pregnant though!
I will of course report back on tomorrow's scan. Whatever will be is already determined. So it's just for me to find out what it is. I suppose the irony will be if the scan is normal but the NIPT is not. But of course I won't have those results for another week again. So, potentially straight from one waiting period to the next.
Tomorrow I have arranged an NIPT and a scan. I'm nervous about the scan- that it will show that things have gone wrong. I will be very relieved if it doesn't, but I'm nervous now just the same. Today is also the first day that I'm completely off the progesterone/Cyclogest. There was nothing notable about reducing the progesterone, so it should be fine to go off completely now. Yet another removal of something that made me feel pregnant though!
I will of course report back on tomorrow's scan. Whatever will be is already determined. So it's just for me to find out what it is. I suppose the irony will be if the scan is normal but the NIPT is not. But of course I won't have those results for another week again. So, potentially straight from one waiting period to the next.
Monday, July 18, 2016
54dpo 10w1d - Worrying
It's very easy for me to generally forget that I'm pregnant. I don't have any major symptoms other than tiredness. My breasts seem to have settled a bit after growing some and being sensitive. I still get very fleeting moments of feeling 'off' but nothing as much as nausea or throwing up.
Yesterday I convinced myself that maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore or had miscarried (or had a 'missed miscarriage since I haven't had any cramps or bleeding at all). So I peed on a stick which reassuringly came up straight away pregnant. But then I wondered if it was lighter than the last time I did the test. I think this is somewhat brought on my by wanting to schedule my NIPT this Friday. I can't quite find the one I want without a scan, so I get a scan thrown in (or rather, I pay for it). So I started to wonder and worry about what the scan might show.
This all ended up meaning that in general I felt grumpy yesterday. I may have been snappy with the boyfriend, which also continues to bother me because we've still not talked about the baby situation. I'm still annoyed that I need to bring it up and that he doesn't talk to me. I will, at some point, but maybe not when I'm feeling grumpy about it.
Actually, maybe I just feel irritable in general. It's hard to think of things that are making me happy right now. Work is stressful. People annoy me. Not all people, but a lot of them. I'm sure that the stress at work is not helping, and the stress of worrying and trying not to worry is not helping. I keep expecting the bad news to hit, and that's just not a useful mindset.
The only moderately positive thing on the pregnancy front is that I reduced my progesterone/Cyclogest to one a day and I only have one more day before it's gone. I was a bit worried about reducing to one a day, especially when so many women online seem to report staying on until week 12 and here I was reducing at week 9 to stop at week 10. But so far, no difference in my body or discharge or anything, so I assume it's all fine? Yay to fewer fingers in bums!
Yesterday I convinced myself that maybe I wasn't pregnant anymore or had miscarried (or had a 'missed miscarriage since I haven't had any cramps or bleeding at all). So I peed on a stick which reassuringly came up straight away pregnant. But then I wondered if it was lighter than the last time I did the test. I think this is somewhat brought on my by wanting to schedule my NIPT this Friday. I can't quite find the one I want without a scan, so I get a scan thrown in (or rather, I pay for it). So I started to wonder and worry about what the scan might show.
This all ended up meaning that in general I felt grumpy yesterday. I may have been snappy with the boyfriend, which also continues to bother me because we've still not talked about the baby situation. I'm still annoyed that I need to bring it up and that he doesn't talk to me. I will, at some point, but maybe not when I'm feeling grumpy about it.
Actually, maybe I just feel irritable in general. It's hard to think of things that are making me happy right now. Work is stressful. People annoy me. Not all people, but a lot of them. I'm sure that the stress at work is not helping, and the stress of worrying and trying not to worry is not helping. I keep expecting the bad news to hit, and that's just not a useful mindset.
The only moderately positive thing on the pregnancy front is that I reduced my progesterone/Cyclogest to one a day and I only have one more day before it's gone. I was a bit worried about reducing to one a day, especially when so many women online seem to report staying on until week 12 and here I was reducing at week 9 to stop at week 10. But so far, no difference in my body or discharge or anything, so I assume it's all fine? Yay to fewer fingers in bums!
Monday, July 4, 2016
40dpo 8w1d - Pregnancy buddy
I was completely surprised and very excited to hear that one of my oldest friends from high school is also pregnant, and her due date is pretty much the same as mine! It is her second child, so there are obvious differences, but it's just kind of cool. Unfortunately she lives in California, so an 8 hour time difference and not much chance of meeting up to commiserate, but we WhatsApp, so anyway, that's kind of cool news.
I continue to be tired more than usual, and occasionally I feel 'off', although not full on nauseous. It's sort of impossible not to continue to worry that something is going to go horribly wrong. My first midwife appointment is in a week and a day which I'm sort of looking forward to. I did email the place that does the NIPT and they haven't emailed me back which is annoying.
I had an uncomfortable experience over the weekend at a wedding. I went with the boyfriend and we met some new people. One of whom clocked that I wasn't drinking and asked if I was pregnant. Not quick enough to cover I indicated I was at which point this person gushed congratulations at the both of us. What a disaster. I tried to sideline the conversation and then asked the boyfriend if he was okay and he clearly wasn't. I managed to get the gushing new person to take me to the toilet as she'd already been where I gave her the breakdown. It was just really unfortunate how it all happened, and I do empathize with the boyfriend. However, I also feel that awkwardness is compounded by his own lack of acceptance. In fairness, he was as taken aback as I was by the onslaught, and neither of us was prepared with what to say. On the other hand, if he was fine with the situation, he could have quickly said something about 'Oh, it's not mine.'. At any rate, it was messy and I felt a bit bad, although it was reasonably quickly addressed. Of course we haven't spoken about it, because he doesn't. Which is particularly not helpful.
In other news, it's still just very easy to forget that I'm pregnant. I kind of wonder when that stops!!
Thursday, June 23, 2016
29dpo 6w4d - Mantras
I peed on a stick this morning to see if I was still pregnant. The pregnancy line came up faster than the control line, like, the second the urine touched the mark. It was strong and dark quickly. So yep, still pregnant, and strongest reaction yet.
My last post clearly had some unfortunate foreshadowing as the first woman in my pregnancy group on the forum has gone out. This was of course upsetting to hear. She had worries, because everyone has worries, but nothing that appeared to be anything obvious. Retrospectively you could say 'this, that, and the other', but the reality is, it's easy to look back and see obvious, I don't think it was. So, shocking, and sad.
It's hard not to hear that and have the surge of panic about your own situation. I'm mindful that I have not done PGS testing on the embryos. It was something I looked in to and was not available. My clinic was not in favor, although it's clearly more and more common in the States. While there can obviously still be loads of issues with PGS tested embryos, it does seem to reduce the chance of miscarriage by about 9-10% according to one clinic's statistics. It seems for the age of my embryo egg (38, not my current age of 41) the miscarriage rate for me at this point is around 20%+ or 1 in 5. Again, sobering thoughts.
But again, NOTHING I can do at this point. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. My mantra is simply to repeat this thought. It is the waiting that is stressful and what will be will be. Take each day is it comes. Accept each day and each moment for what it is. Be confident in the knowledge that I will be able to manage each moment, no matter what happens, but that worrying about possible futures, of which I have no control over, is not productive for me, or for the growing fetus. Repeat.
It could also be that I continue with a pregnancy and find out their are other issues that will require difficult choices. Yesterday I was looking at where I could get a NIPT done locally as a useful Facebook advertisement popped up. Usually I ignore those, but finally a relevant one indicated there's a private clinic in Grantchester which will do it for cheaper than a London clinic. If I manage to make it to 10 weeks, and it's not available through the NHS, I'm definitely doing a private NIPT.
I am also mindful that there is a potential discrepancy between my dpo and week calculation of up to 3 days. This is because my cycles are slightly longer, typically. So when I use various online calculators, they suggest based on dpo that I'm 6w1d not 6w4d. This is of course important as every benchmark is measured in what week you are at- if only you get to this week your risks reduce, blah blah blah. I of course want to be at the further ahead date, but should realistically be considering myself the further behind date.
Mantra. Repeat.
My last post clearly had some unfortunate foreshadowing as the first woman in my pregnancy group on the forum has gone out. This was of course upsetting to hear. She had worries, because everyone has worries, but nothing that appeared to be anything obvious. Retrospectively you could say 'this, that, and the other', but the reality is, it's easy to look back and see obvious, I don't think it was. So, shocking, and sad.
It's hard not to hear that and have the surge of panic about your own situation. I'm mindful that I have not done PGS testing on the embryos. It was something I looked in to and was not available. My clinic was not in favor, although it's clearly more and more common in the States. While there can obviously still be loads of issues with PGS tested embryos, it does seem to reduce the chance of miscarriage by about 9-10% according to one clinic's statistics. It seems for the age of my embryo egg (38, not my current age of 41) the miscarriage rate for me at this point is around 20%+ or 1 in 5. Again, sobering thoughts.
But again, NOTHING I can do at this point. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. My mantra is simply to repeat this thought. It is the waiting that is stressful and what will be will be. Take each day is it comes. Accept each day and each moment for what it is. Be confident in the knowledge that I will be able to manage each moment, no matter what happens, but that worrying about possible futures, of which I have no control over, is not productive for me, or for the growing fetus. Repeat.
It could also be that I continue with a pregnancy and find out their are other issues that will require difficult choices. Yesterday I was looking at where I could get a NIPT done locally as a useful Facebook advertisement popped up. Usually I ignore those, but finally a relevant one indicated there's a private clinic in Grantchester which will do it for cheaper than a London clinic. If I manage to make it to 10 weeks, and it's not available through the NHS, I'm definitely doing a private NIPT.
I am also mindful that there is a potential discrepancy between my dpo and week calculation of up to 3 days. This is because my cycles are slightly longer, typically. So when I use various online calculators, they suggest based on dpo that I'm 6w1d not 6w4d. This is of course important as every benchmark is measured in what week you are at- if only you get to this week your risks reduce, blah blah blah. I of course want to be at the further ahead date, but should realistically be considering myself the further behind date.
Mantra. Repeat.
Monday, June 20, 2016
26dpo 6w1d - Appointments
I saw my GP this morning. It was a relatively short appointment but now I'm properly 'in the system'. There isn't much for the GP to do- apparently with the NHS most of your care is through midwife appointments; and there are about 10 throughout your pregnancy he said. So I made my first appointment for the 12th as that was the earliest that would work. Perhaps a week later than desired. I also received a 'pregnancy' pack which I haven't had a chance to look through properly but is sponsored by Bounty so there are some branded things in it. I glanced inside and saw a sample pack of pregnancy vitamins so that's cool as those are pricey. I ordered some extra folic acid for the next couple of months, although it's in the multivitamin, I'm overweight so not bad to take more. The GP took my blood pressure which was fine. The lower number runs towards the high end but I think it was 124/85 so that's within normal.
I told my GP the results of my hCG blood tests and he mentioned that the numbers were on the low side but of course early. Which of course made me twinge with worry. The numbers doubled- which is what they say is more important than the actual number. And yes, they were low in the sense that it was 14dpo and 16dpo. I am consoled that my pregnancy tests got progressively darker and stronger meaning hCG was rising. But anyway, blah.
Today I'm feeling twinges in the gut/tummy/uterus region and of course I'm trying not to worry about it or think about it too much. I want everything to go smoothly, obviously, but I am also unable not to worry that it won't. On the forum that I frequent there appears to always be at least 2 women who miscarry within each 3 month group. So it's a rather gruesome game of Russian roulette. Of course none of us may miscarry- which would be awesome of course. But looking through the history of the pregnancy boards, there seems to always be at least 2. So that's sobering. (Apologies to those of you from the board who may have read this and found it upsetting).
A woman in my three month group posted about her anxiety levels around the pregnancy. I don't think it's possible to be pregnant and not worry, I guess it's how you process your worrying that makes a difference. The only thing I can console myself with right now is that there is nothing I can do to change anything. The future is already written- I just don't know it yet. Will I miscarry? Is this ectopic? Will there be a chromosomal abnormality? So many things that you could worry about it. But worrying about them doesn't change anything at all. If bad shit happens, I will deal with it and get through it because I have to. And I know I can, because I am a strong person and I have a network of friends and family who love me. I can't change what that future will be. I just don't know what it is yet. And that's scary and frustrating and stressful. But really I need to just be patient and wait. Take each day, each moment for what it is. I can't change the future, so I can only be present in the now. Anyway, that's how I try to get through the stress and worry. Of course not entirely helpful when you are second guessing every twinge!
In other news I told my dad last night that I was pregnant. He hasn't been the most on board with the pregnancy plan but was surprisingly supportive. Of course he was supportive in the way that my dad is able to be supportive- mainly by indicating how he would be able to provide some financial support to a child of mine. But hey, financial support is really important. And for my dad, being able to take care of someone (financially) is how he shows that he loves them. So that was nice. This isn't to say that my dad will foot all the baby bills for everything. In fact, far from it. But anyway, it was nice to feel supported.
I told my GP the results of my hCG blood tests and he mentioned that the numbers were on the low side but of course early. Which of course made me twinge with worry. The numbers doubled- which is what they say is more important than the actual number. And yes, they were low in the sense that it was 14dpo and 16dpo. I am consoled that my pregnancy tests got progressively darker and stronger meaning hCG was rising. But anyway, blah.
Today I'm feeling twinges in the gut/tummy/uterus region and of course I'm trying not to worry about it or think about it too much. I want everything to go smoothly, obviously, but I am also unable not to worry that it won't. On the forum that I frequent there appears to always be at least 2 women who miscarry within each 3 month group. So it's a rather gruesome game of Russian roulette. Of course none of us may miscarry- which would be awesome of course. But looking through the history of the pregnancy boards, there seems to always be at least 2. So that's sobering. (Apologies to those of you from the board who may have read this and found it upsetting).
A woman in my three month group posted about her anxiety levels around the pregnancy. I don't think it's possible to be pregnant and not worry, I guess it's how you process your worrying that makes a difference. The only thing I can console myself with right now is that there is nothing I can do to change anything. The future is already written- I just don't know it yet. Will I miscarry? Is this ectopic? Will there be a chromosomal abnormality? So many things that you could worry about it. But worrying about them doesn't change anything at all. If bad shit happens, I will deal with it and get through it because I have to. And I know I can, because I am a strong person and I have a network of friends and family who love me. I can't change what that future will be. I just don't know what it is yet. And that's scary and frustrating and stressful. But really I need to just be patient and wait. Take each day, each moment for what it is. I can't change the future, so I can only be present in the now. Anyway, that's how I try to get through the stress and worry. Of course not entirely helpful when you are second guessing every twinge!
In other news I told my dad last night that I was pregnant. He hasn't been the most on board with the pregnancy plan but was surprisingly supportive. Of course he was supportive in the way that my dad is able to be supportive- mainly by indicating how he would be able to provide some financial support to a child of mine. But hey, financial support is really important. And for my dad, being able to take care of someone (financially) is how he shows that he loves them. So that was nice. This isn't to say that my dad will foot all the baby bills for everything. In fact, far from it. But anyway, it was nice to feel supported.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
18dpo 5w - Processing
There are so many thoughts going through my head all the time. Of course one of the bigger ones is whether or not this pregnancy will result in a baby. I still don't feel any different physically. I'm now not even sure that my breasts do feel firmer. I had a tiny bit of brown spotting again. But otherwise, no physical signs. Of course I could pay for another hCG test to see if the numbers are continuing to rise. But I don't think I will. My cheap eBay stick is a bit darker than the day before. There isn't anything else I can do but wait.
The other thoughts I have tend to circle around 'What have I done?!' and 'What am I doing?!'. Changing your life is terrifying. I don't care when you do it or how you do it. It's always going to come with a fear of the unknown. And a fear that you've made a wrong choice. I don't think I have, but the future is still an unknown place to me. I don't know what it will like to be pregnant yet. I don't know what it will be like to have a baby, to care for a child. So all of these things are a bit frightening. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I'm just being honest. There's a lot of things I don't know. And not knowing things is scary.
And perhaps part of it is the emotions filling in. The shock wearing off a little bit. Reality sinking in. There's plenty of time, but I feel like I need to be doing things. That I need to be better prepared. One of the things I've decided to do at the moment is daily gentle exercise. Either a pregnancy yoga video or walking around the park across the street. I think this is a good idea for any number of reasons. And it gives me something to focus on and do. Another thing I think I should try to get on top of is getting my UK driver's license. I've avoided it for years and years but I think being able to drive, or maybe having a car, would make my life immensely easier with a child. So these are things I need to do.
Then I'm doing other random stuff like some knitting projects- for ME for a change, and trying to get some personal work related professional stuff done. I feel motivated to do things. Which for me, is probably a good thing. I have no idea how long it will last.
Which then makes me think about if this pregnancy will last. I don't know if you ever feel 'safe' in this process- or if you ever feel safe again! It's really just one worry to the next. If I get to 8 weeks I'll start to feel a bit better. If I get to 12 weeks I'll feel a bit better. Etc. Early days.
The other thoughts I have tend to circle around 'What have I done?!' and 'What am I doing?!'. Changing your life is terrifying. I don't care when you do it or how you do it. It's always going to come with a fear of the unknown. And a fear that you've made a wrong choice. I don't think I have, but the future is still an unknown place to me. I don't know what it will like to be pregnant yet. I don't know what it will be like to have a baby, to care for a child. So all of these things are a bit frightening. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I'm just being honest. There's a lot of things I don't know. And not knowing things is scary.
And perhaps part of it is the emotions filling in. The shock wearing off a little bit. Reality sinking in. There's plenty of time, but I feel like I need to be doing things. That I need to be better prepared. One of the things I've decided to do at the moment is daily gentle exercise. Either a pregnancy yoga video or walking around the park across the street. I think this is a good idea for any number of reasons. And it gives me something to focus on and do. Another thing I think I should try to get on top of is getting my UK driver's license. I've avoided it for years and years but I think being able to drive, or maybe having a car, would make my life immensely easier with a child. So these are things I need to do.
Then I'm doing other random stuff like some knitting projects- for ME for a change, and trying to get some personal work related professional stuff done. I feel motivated to do things. Which for me, is probably a good thing. I have no idea how long it will last.
Which then makes me think about if this pregnancy will last. I don't know if you ever feel 'safe' in this process- or if you ever feel safe again! It's really just one worry to the next. If I get to 8 weeks I'll start to feel a bit better. If I get to 12 weeks I'll feel a bit better. Etc. Early days.
Monday, June 6, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 29 6dp6dt
Another day, another negative. I am finding this wait much harder than the IUI wait because I know there was a fertilized embryo there. With IUI you don't know if the sperm ever met the egg, if it fertilized or what. But this is different. And definitely more difficult.
Online reading is unhelpful. A lot of women get early results, so start to see things as early as 9 days past ovulation (or in my case, 3dp6dt, and the first day I tested). On the forum I'm on, this was the case for one of the women who started to see positives pretty fast (4dp5dt). This of course makes me feel particularly negative by comparison. However, my friend who was once pregnant with twins said she only got a super faint line the day she was supposed to test. Although I don't know if that was the first day she tested or the first time she got a positive test. But looking online, it does seem a lot of people still only start to see a positive day 14/15/16 (16 is my official test). I could also look to the fact that everything about my body seems to go slower than average- longer stimulation time, longer embryo development time. So maybe longer hCG buildup time?
Still, the waiting is awful. I'm also not pleased that it's not standard in the UK to do a beta hCG blood test which is apparently completely common in North America for people doing fertility treatments. I can understand not doing it for IUI because the odds are much lower. But with an embryo transfer, you know that something went in. Even if it was an add-on, how much would that blood test cost? I can't believe it would cost very much and I would totally pay for it. Actually I'm going to see if my GP will let me pay for it. I have no idea if you can pay your GP to do a blood test they wouldn't usually cover, but again, how much could that possibly be?
I don't know. My period hasn't arrived either, which would obviously be a big sign. Although this is day 29, and that would be early for my period. My last cycle was particularly late I think. So it's not currently a useful indicator. It's also not clear if the progesterone/Cyclogest might delay your period. I don't think it delays it indefinitely but it could set it back, so again, not helpful.
For the record, I still think in my heart I'm not pregnant, I would just really like to know something for sure so I can move on from this place.
Now I really wish I'd tested out the trigger shot, just to see if those sticks work. I could give in to the madness and go buy a better pregnancy test at lunch. I don't know why I find that a problematic choice when it seems to clearly be what I should go do.
Online reading is unhelpful. A lot of women get early results, so start to see things as early as 9 days past ovulation (or in my case, 3dp6dt, and the first day I tested). On the forum I'm on, this was the case for one of the women who started to see positives pretty fast (4dp5dt). This of course makes me feel particularly negative by comparison. However, my friend who was once pregnant with twins said she only got a super faint line the day she was supposed to test. Although I don't know if that was the first day she tested or the first time she got a positive test. But looking online, it does seem a lot of people still only start to see a positive day 14/15/16 (16 is my official test). I could also look to the fact that everything about my body seems to go slower than average- longer stimulation time, longer embryo development time. So maybe longer hCG buildup time?
Still, the waiting is awful. I'm also not pleased that it's not standard in the UK to do a beta hCG blood test which is apparently completely common in North America for people doing fertility treatments. I can understand not doing it for IUI because the odds are much lower. But with an embryo transfer, you know that something went in. Even if it was an add-on, how much would that blood test cost? I can't believe it would cost very much and I would totally pay for it. Actually I'm going to see if my GP will let me pay for it. I have no idea if you can pay your GP to do a blood test they wouldn't usually cover, but again, how much could that possibly be?
I don't know. My period hasn't arrived either, which would obviously be a big sign. Although this is day 29, and that would be early for my period. My last cycle was particularly late I think. So it's not currently a useful indicator. It's also not clear if the progesterone/Cyclogest might delay your period. I don't think it delays it indefinitely but it could set it back, so again, not helpful.
For the record, I still think in my heart I'm not pregnant, I would just really like to know something for sure so I can move on from this place.
Now I really wish I'd tested out the trigger shot, just to see if those sticks work. I could give in to the madness and go buy a better pregnancy test at lunch. I don't know why I find that a problematic choice when it seems to clearly be what I should go do.
Monday, May 30, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 22 5 day report
The short version: the transfer will hopefully be tomorrow, another day of waiting ahead.
The longer version:
So this morning I was waiting for the phone call. It didn't come at 9am so I started to get nervous. I think the phone finally rant around 9:30. It seemed like forever. I was particularly feeling anxious because another woman on the SMC forum who was trying this month had 6 day 3 embryos that all arrested on day 4. So I knew that this could happen, and I was worried I was going to get a call that said there was nothing to come in for.
The embryologist called to tell me that all six zygotes were successfully given laser assisted hatcing on Saturday, and all six have transformed into morulas. A morula is a transformational stage where the embryo moves from a collection of equal cells to differentiated cells. Not all embryos emerge out of the morula stage, so it could still be that tomorrow there is nothing. The embryologist was cautiously hopeful though that all 6 made it to morula stage; he said that he didn't expect them all to reach even that far. So it's not great, because it means they're all a bit slow, but it's also not bad. Yet. So, more waiting.
This weekend I've been feeling somewhat emotional. I don't know if it's due to hormones or what. My friend came to visit Saturday/Sunday and brought her 22 month old son. We had a good time, and I enjoyed having them here but I started to wonder what I'm getting myself into. On the one hand it all seems reasonable, and then on the other hand it's completely overwhelming and terrifying. I know that it is probably overwhelming and terrifying for everyone who has a child, single parent or no. Still, I just felt emotional about it. Am I really prepared for this? Am I really capable of doing it? I think these fears are normal. I'm not overly worried about it, I just had a surge for some reason.
I also think that I might enjoy the baby stage, and I may enjoy post potty training, but I may not love the toddler stage. I could be wrong. And I assume everything is always different when it's your kid. It's one thing to have a strange child in my home getting into everything versus a child who lives here who is used to my home and for whom the home is properly arranged. I mean, your own kids for sure get into everything, but your life shapes around their presence in it. Dropping a child into your life is a little bit different.
I think I've also been a bit grumpy because I think the Cyclogest/progesterone is making me have swelling and itching in the privates. Really not enjoying that. The swelling has gone down a bit, but the itching flares back up. I read online that this can be a side effect, especially for women taking it vaginally. I'm not, but I'm sure it's related. Some of the online posters suggested getting some Canesten cream for the itch. If I'm lucky enough to have a transfer tomorrow, then I think I'll also ask about this.
So that's where things are. I'm feeling anxious. I will know what's happening soon enough by way of the transfer at least, and then I'll have to wait to see if I'm pregnant. And if I'm pregnant, I'll be waiting to see if I can get through the benchmarks without a miscarriage. I'm not sure anyone ever talks about this stage of trying to get pregnant or pregnancy. I'll be posting everything here, which includes if things go badly. I'm positive not enough women talk about this and by the time they announce they're pregnant, they've just kept all this to themselves. That's just not my style I guess.
The longer version:
So this morning I was waiting for the phone call. It didn't come at 9am so I started to get nervous. I think the phone finally rant around 9:30. It seemed like forever. I was particularly feeling anxious because another woman on the SMC forum who was trying this month had 6 day 3 embryos that all arrested on day 4. So I knew that this could happen, and I was worried I was going to get a call that said there was nothing to come in for.
The embryologist called to tell me that all six zygotes were successfully given laser assisted hatcing on Saturday, and all six have transformed into morulas. A morula is a transformational stage where the embryo moves from a collection of equal cells to differentiated cells. Not all embryos emerge out of the morula stage, so it could still be that tomorrow there is nothing. The embryologist was cautiously hopeful though that all 6 made it to morula stage; he said that he didn't expect them all to reach even that far. So it's not great, because it means they're all a bit slow, but it's also not bad. Yet. So, more waiting.
This weekend I've been feeling somewhat emotional. I don't know if it's due to hormones or what. My friend came to visit Saturday/Sunday and brought her 22 month old son. We had a good time, and I enjoyed having them here but I started to wonder what I'm getting myself into. On the one hand it all seems reasonable, and then on the other hand it's completely overwhelming and terrifying. I know that it is probably overwhelming and terrifying for everyone who has a child, single parent or no. Still, I just felt emotional about it. Am I really prepared for this? Am I really capable of doing it? I think these fears are normal. I'm not overly worried about it, I just had a surge for some reason.
I also think that I might enjoy the baby stage, and I may enjoy post potty training, but I may not love the toddler stage. I could be wrong. And I assume everything is always different when it's your kid. It's one thing to have a strange child in my home getting into everything versus a child who lives here who is used to my home and for whom the home is properly arranged. I mean, your own kids for sure get into everything, but your life shapes around their presence in it. Dropping a child into your life is a little bit different.
I think I've also been a bit grumpy because I think the Cyclogest/progesterone is making me have swelling and itching in the privates. Really not enjoying that. The swelling has gone down a bit, but the itching flares back up. I read online that this can be a side effect, especially for women taking it vaginally. I'm not, but I'm sure it's related. Some of the online posters suggested getting some Canesten cream for the itch. If I'm lucky enough to have a transfer tomorrow, then I think I'll also ask about this.
So that's where things are. I'm feeling anxious. I will know what's happening soon enough by way of the transfer at least, and then I'll have to wait to see if I'm pregnant. And if I'm pregnant, I'll be waiting to see if I can get through the benchmarks without a miscarriage. I'm not sure anyone ever talks about this stage of trying to get pregnant or pregnancy. I'll be posting everything here, which includes if things go badly. I'm positive not enough women talk about this and by the time they announce they're pregnant, they've just kept all this to themselves. That's just not my style I guess.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
IVF 1 - Day 17 update
Early this afternoon my phone rang from an unlisted number. My phone was not supposed to ring today. I knew instantly that it was the clinic and something was wrong. The head embryologist whom I had spoken to in recovery immediately told me that while it wasn't catastrophic, it also wasn't a good call. Basically, out of my 6 frozen eggs, only 2 properly defrosted. 3 completely failed to reform, and 1 seemed to be okay, but then collapsed. The 2 that defrosted properly were completely fine and able to have ICSI on them. Out of the 9 fresh eggs collected, 8 were able to have ICSI on them. So in total, they were able to inject 10 eggs with sperm. Not catastrophic, but also not the best news. In particular because the younger eggs should have a higher chance of better quality. I'm still beyond thrilled to have had such a great fresh cycle, but the risks of chromosomal abnormalities is much greater, and increases every year.
So I'm not devastated or even particularly upset, but I'm now much more wary of the next hurdles that need to be passed. Tomorrow around 10am I will get a call to let me know how many have actually fertilized as they will check for the double nucleus and for the ejected waste material from the cells. I have no idea what the attrition rate will be for this next hurdle. Assuming that some make it past tomorrow's hurdle, they won't look at them again until Saturday and decide then if it will be a 3 day or 5 day transfer.
If I end up with nothing at all to transfer, I will absolutely be devastated. But we aren't there yet. The embryologist was still pleased that we have 10 injected eggs. To be fair, as I was only expecting a collection of 5, I've ended up with a similar number as I'd hoped, it's just that the majority are fresh instead of a 50/50 split.
It's also I suppose worrying for women who freeze their eggs as this is not a good outcome. I expected 5 out of the 6 to defrost properly and thought I'd lose 1, not 4. It's also interesting because I asked them to take 2 eggs from each of my 3 egg freezing cycles. Interesting because the 2 that defrosted well and were healthy came from the same cycle. 2 that completely failed came from the same cycle and the other 2 with the partial came from the same cycle. This could suggest there was a problem with the freezing. The embryologist mentioned that on one of them it was difficult to remove the eggs from the 'plate' that they are frozen to. I went to a very reputable clinic, so I don't think they intentionally screwed up, but it does go to show how tricky this process is. Also, it was 3 years ago, and you would hope that techniques continue to improve.
So okay. 10 injected healthy eggs. That's a good result so far - 8 fresh, 2 from frozen. Tomorrow is another day and another phone call.
So I'm not devastated or even particularly upset, but I'm now much more wary of the next hurdles that need to be passed. Tomorrow around 10am I will get a call to let me know how many have actually fertilized as they will check for the double nucleus and for the ejected waste material from the cells. I have no idea what the attrition rate will be for this next hurdle. Assuming that some make it past tomorrow's hurdle, they won't look at them again until Saturday and decide then if it will be a 3 day or 5 day transfer.
If I end up with nothing at all to transfer, I will absolutely be devastated. But we aren't there yet. The embryologist was still pleased that we have 10 injected eggs. To be fair, as I was only expecting a collection of 5, I've ended up with a similar number as I'd hoped, it's just that the majority are fresh instead of a 50/50 split.
It's also I suppose worrying for women who freeze their eggs as this is not a good outcome. I expected 5 out of the 6 to defrost properly and thought I'd lose 1, not 4. It's also interesting because I asked them to take 2 eggs from each of my 3 egg freezing cycles. Interesting because the 2 that defrosted well and were healthy came from the same cycle. 2 that completely failed came from the same cycle and the other 2 with the partial came from the same cycle. This could suggest there was a problem with the freezing. The embryologist mentioned that on one of them it was difficult to remove the eggs from the 'plate' that they are frozen to. I went to a very reputable clinic, so I don't think they intentionally screwed up, but it does go to show how tricky this process is. Also, it was 3 years ago, and you would hope that techniques continue to improve.
So okay. 10 injected healthy eggs. That's a good result so far - 8 fresh, 2 from frozen. Tomorrow is another day and another phone call.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Obsessing over timing
No period today. I did pee on a stick this morning to make absolutely sure that I wasn't actually pregnant somehow and it got missed from the last cycle. My gut certainly feels like my period is coming. However, so far, no period. In order to avoid the conflict I have with the 26/27 I'm not moderately obsessed with trying to work out the likelihood of it being a problem by fixating on dates. In order to stop obsessing I'm going to dump it all here so I can just look at it to confirm what I'm counting. Indulge me.
If my period arrives tomorrow (May 7) and that was Day 1, then (Option A) Day 17 would be Monday the 23rd and the likely collection day. If I get a poor collection and they want to do a 3-day transfer, that would be on Thursday the 26th (BAD). If I have a good collection and they do a 5-day transfer, that would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD). If collection was Friday the 20th (day 14, Option B) which is unlikely with my history, a 3-day transfer would be on Monday the 23 (GOOD) and a 5-day transfer would be on Wednesday the 25th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Sunday (May 8) then collection would likely be Monday the 23rd (day 16) and we again have Option A. Or, it could be Wednesday the 25th (day 18, Option C) which would mean a day 3 transfer would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD) and a 5 day transfer would be on Monday the 30th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Monday (May 9) then collection could be Monday the 23rd (day 15) and we're on Option A again, or collection is more likely to be on Wednesday the 25th (day 17) which would be Option C.
So basically, a 25% chance that the timing will suck.
I have managed to line up a last minute fill in for me if this is the case, but I hope it's not. However, looking at it like this gives me some comfort because it's only in the case of a less desired outcome (no good embryos collected on Monday the 23rd) that it's the BAD scenario and I'm obviously hoping for good embryos that make it to blastocyst in which case all of the options are good. Okay. Maybe I can stop obsessing about this now!!
If my period arrives tomorrow (May 7) and that was Day 1, then (Option A) Day 17 would be Monday the 23rd and the likely collection day. If I get a poor collection and they want to do a 3-day transfer, that would be on Thursday the 26th (BAD). If I have a good collection and they do a 5-day transfer, that would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD). If collection was Friday the 20th (day 14, Option B) which is unlikely with my history, a 3-day transfer would be on Monday the 23 (GOOD) and a 5-day transfer would be on Wednesday the 25th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Sunday (May 8) then collection would likely be Monday the 23rd (day 16) and we again have Option A. Or, it could be Wednesday the 25th (day 18, Option C) which would mean a day 3 transfer would be on Saturday the 28th (GOOD) and a 5 day transfer would be on Monday the 30th (GOOD).
If my period arrives Monday (May 9) then collection could be Monday the 23rd (day 15) and we're on Option A again, or collection is more likely to be on Wednesday the 25th (day 17) which would be Option C.
So basically, a 25% chance that the timing will suck.
I have managed to line up a last minute fill in for me if this is the case, but I hope it's not. However, looking at it like this gives me some comfort because it's only in the case of a less desired outcome (no good embryos collected on Monday the 23rd) that it's the BAD scenario and I'm obviously hoping for good embryos that make it to blastocyst in which case all of the options are good. Okay. Maybe I can stop obsessing about this now!!
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Change of Plans Again, AH!
Good grief!! I just got called by the clinic to tell me that in June they do a major clean of the lab and facilities and shut down. this means I can't cycle in June. However, my frozen eggs are now in Cambridge, my drugs are being delivered today, and, most importantly, my period has yet to arrive. This means I could start this month, like in the next couple of days. Holy crap! Just when I was settling in to having a month off, it's all systems go!
This is great, except for one small thing that I have a serious work conflict on the 26/27 of this month. If I go by my egg collection cycles, my eggs were retrieved on day 16 or 17. If you add 5 or 6 days for blastocyst transfer, this is squarely around the time of the work conflict, but could just miss it. That's going to be the only stressful thing. I suppose the best thing would be for my period to hold off for another couple or few days to put me well past it? Anyway, it's going to be tricky, but I'm definitely not waiting until July.
I'm actually really excited about starting straight away although I was also fine with waiting a month. No more alcohol or caffeine for me though! I suppose it's not great that I've been indulging this month, although not so much, so that's not so terrible.
I'm actually sort of just really excited to be trying this month. I'm going to try not to stress about the scheduling conflict until my period arrives. Speaking of which, maybe I need to go to the bathroom.
This is great, except for one small thing that I have a serious work conflict on the 26/27 of this month. If I go by my egg collection cycles, my eggs were retrieved on day 16 or 17. If you add 5 or 6 days for blastocyst transfer, this is squarely around the time of the work conflict, but could just miss it. That's going to be the only stressful thing. I suppose the best thing would be for my period to hold off for another couple or few days to put me well past it? Anyway, it's going to be tricky, but I'm definitely not waiting until July.
I'm actually really excited about starting straight away although I was also fine with waiting a month. No more alcohol or caffeine for me though! I suppose it's not great that I've been indulging this month, although not so much, so that's not so terrible.
I'm actually sort of just really excited to be trying this month. I'm going to try not to stress about the scheduling conflict until my period arrives. Speaking of which, maybe I need to go to the bathroom.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Hard Choice - 1 Month Delay
Yesterday I found myself increasingly stressing over the variables up in the air regarding this next IVF cycle. I've yet to pay the courier. The drug company hasn't called to arrange delivery. I don't know when my period is going to actually arrive. I have a 3-day residential workshop towards the end of May that would be difficult to be having treatment during.
All of this points to the decision I've made to delay another month. This decision comes with its own variety of stress. However, I think that on balance, I will be much happier knowing that my frozen eggs are already at the Cambridge clinic, that the drugs to start the cycle are already in my fridge and waiting for me, and of course that I have no conflicts in timing in June. Stress is obviously a factor in trying to get pregnant and it is better to eliminate it as much as feasible. I know in the grand scheme of things, this one month really doesn't matter. However, at this stage in the game, every single time something happens it feels like a major setback.
But it isn't. It's okay. And I will have a much smoother cycle because of it.
All of this points to the decision I've made to delay another month. This decision comes with its own variety of stress. However, I think that on balance, I will be much happier knowing that my frozen eggs are already at the Cambridge clinic, that the drugs to start the cycle are already in my fridge and waiting for me, and of course that I have no conflicts in timing in June. Stress is obviously a factor in trying to get pregnant and it is better to eliminate it as much as feasible. I know in the grand scheme of things, this one month really doesn't matter. However, at this stage in the game, every single time something happens it feels like a major setback.
But it isn't. It's okay. And I will have a much smoother cycle because of it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Pre IVF consultation
I had my pre IVF consultation with my clinic this afternoon. I went there thinking I had a perfectly reasonable plan which has been encouraged both by my egg freezing doctor (way back when) and by the first doctor I saw at this clinic. This was, mainly, to do a fresh IVF cycle and save my frozen eggs as a last resort.
This plan was immediately questioned by the doctor I met to have my consultation with. It was the same doctor who did my Hycosi although that was the only time I've met with him previously. He thought I should be going straight to my frozen eggs as this would give me the best chance of success at this stage. Now, the reason for not using the frozen eggs straight away was if I am fertile now, that gives me an option for the future, if I want one. I don't at the moment think I want one. I think that one child would be all I want. But I liked the idea of holding something in reserve. However, the doctor was really surprised and encouraged me to not put my body through IVF when I could use frozen eggs. So this threw my thinking completely out. I held firm at first, and then as we kept talking I started questioning myself.
In addition to this confusion, he was looking at my file and saying that I needed to attend the 'information session' as a matter of policy. Now, way back when, when I started treatment they said I had to do the information session. Then, when I explained I'd done egg freezing and was pretty well versed in the fertility sphere, they said I didn't have to. But apparently now I do have to. So I got scheduled in to attend an information session where I strongly doubt I will learn anything new. In addition to this hoop jumping, he informed me that I also needed a consultation with a counselor about the implications of using donor sperm. I don't mind meeting with a counselor, but again, I feel fairly well versed in the implications of using donor sperm and am in fact this weekend going to a conference hosted by the DCN - so I will jump through this hoop but it annoyed me.
Anyway, back to the consultation.
So the doctor relented that ultimately it was my decision but it was clear he didn't think I should be doing fresh IVF to start. He was also saying that a lot of things had to happen to start the cycle so I couldn't just assume I could start with my period in May which stressed me out. He then saw me getting stressed and tried to convey that staying calm through all this is helpful for getting pregnant. In the meantime, I'm thinking to myself that I understand where he's coming from but he's not being particularly helpful in ensuring that I am calm because he's causing all sorts of disruptions to things that I thought were reasonably fixed!
So as we're discussing it back and forth, and he's making me feel not so great by commenting that if I only got 6,4, and 3 eggs on my egg freezing cycles that my chances for IVF retrieval at this stage were not so great, he mentions that I could consider doing a fresh IVF cycle and also at the same time defrosting half of the frozen eggs to increase my chances of having one or two viable embryos. Now this sounded better to me. First, because I can plan to start the IVF cycle in May and now it's really about getting in touch with my London clinic to arrange the transfer of my eggs to Cambridge and having them in place for this to happen. It also allows me to save half of the frozen eggs for a second try either immediately if this doesn't work, or in the future possibly. So I think out of the 13 frozen eggs I have, I may suggest they start by defrosting 6 for this cycle. Those will need to be fertilized with ICSI, and they can be watched alongside anything that may be retrieved from the fresh cycle.
So it's a slightly different plan but one I actually feel reasonably good about. I am also going to email the embryologist to see what would happen for example, if the 6 don't defrost or fertilize for some reason, would there be time to defrost the other 7 in this cycle (I actually have no idea how long it takes to defrost an egg although I assume not so quickly). This means I am now waiting for them to price up this option and the drugs costs and then I can order my drugs and schedule a counselling session and attend the information evening and be all set to start my IVF drugs on day 2 of my period.
Phew.
So a good result in the end that I have a plan and it's all systems go. But really more stressful than it needed to be and a bit of a kick from a doctor who was clearly trying to tell me that he didn't think my odds were so great being over 40. But anyway, I'll see what I get fresh, and I'll give some of those frozen eggs a chance and we'll see where we get to.
But first I need to call my old clinic and see about getting those eggs transferred to Cambridge. I'm sure I'll need to sign a release or some such even though I will never actually see these eggs and it will all be done clinic to clnic. The UK is very strict on fertility issues! So much paperwork.
Anyway, it seems like more updates will be on the way as the planning progresses.
This plan was immediately questioned by the doctor I met to have my consultation with. It was the same doctor who did my Hycosi although that was the only time I've met with him previously. He thought I should be going straight to my frozen eggs as this would give me the best chance of success at this stage. Now, the reason for not using the frozen eggs straight away was if I am fertile now, that gives me an option for the future, if I want one. I don't at the moment think I want one. I think that one child would be all I want. But I liked the idea of holding something in reserve. However, the doctor was really surprised and encouraged me to not put my body through IVF when I could use frozen eggs. So this threw my thinking completely out. I held firm at first, and then as we kept talking I started questioning myself.
In addition to this confusion, he was looking at my file and saying that I needed to attend the 'information session' as a matter of policy. Now, way back when, when I started treatment they said I had to do the information session. Then, when I explained I'd done egg freezing and was pretty well versed in the fertility sphere, they said I didn't have to. But apparently now I do have to. So I got scheduled in to attend an information session where I strongly doubt I will learn anything new. In addition to this hoop jumping, he informed me that I also needed a consultation with a counselor about the implications of using donor sperm. I don't mind meeting with a counselor, but again, I feel fairly well versed in the implications of using donor sperm and am in fact this weekend going to a conference hosted by the DCN - so I will jump through this hoop but it annoyed me.
Anyway, back to the consultation.
So the doctor relented that ultimately it was my decision but it was clear he didn't think I should be doing fresh IVF to start. He was also saying that a lot of things had to happen to start the cycle so I couldn't just assume I could start with my period in May which stressed me out. He then saw me getting stressed and tried to convey that staying calm through all this is helpful for getting pregnant. In the meantime, I'm thinking to myself that I understand where he's coming from but he's not being particularly helpful in ensuring that I am calm because he's causing all sorts of disruptions to things that I thought were reasonably fixed!
So as we're discussing it back and forth, and he's making me feel not so great by commenting that if I only got 6,4, and 3 eggs on my egg freezing cycles that my chances for IVF retrieval at this stage were not so great, he mentions that I could consider doing a fresh IVF cycle and also at the same time defrosting half of the frozen eggs to increase my chances of having one or two viable embryos. Now this sounded better to me. First, because I can plan to start the IVF cycle in May and now it's really about getting in touch with my London clinic to arrange the transfer of my eggs to Cambridge and having them in place for this to happen. It also allows me to save half of the frozen eggs for a second try either immediately if this doesn't work, or in the future possibly. So I think out of the 13 frozen eggs I have, I may suggest they start by defrosting 6 for this cycle. Those will need to be fertilized with ICSI, and they can be watched alongside anything that may be retrieved from the fresh cycle.
So it's a slightly different plan but one I actually feel reasonably good about. I am also going to email the embryologist to see what would happen for example, if the 6 don't defrost or fertilize for some reason, would there be time to defrost the other 7 in this cycle (I actually have no idea how long it takes to defrost an egg although I assume not so quickly). This means I am now waiting for them to price up this option and the drugs costs and then I can order my drugs and schedule a counselling session and attend the information evening and be all set to start my IVF drugs on day 2 of my period.
Phew.
So a good result in the end that I have a plan and it's all systems go. But really more stressful than it needed to be and a bit of a kick from a doctor who was clearly trying to tell me that he didn't think my odds were so great being over 40. But anyway, I'll see what I get fresh, and I'll give some of those frozen eggs a chance and we'll see where we get to.
But first I need to call my old clinic and see about getting those eggs transferred to Cambridge. I'm sure I'll need to sign a release or some such even though I will never actually see these eggs and it will all be done clinic to clnic. The UK is very strict on fertility issues! So much paperwork.
Anyway, it seems like more updates will be on the way as the planning progresses.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
TWW 2 - Day 14 confuzzled
Firstly, I got the days wrong on the last two posts so have edited them. I think that's right now. This makes today day 15 post IUI. If I had my IUI two weeks ago on a Wednesday and today is Wednesday, then that's right.
This makes my current situation with what is coming out of my vagina even more confusing. According to what I got from the clinic, my period is due tomorrow. Tomorrow is a 28 day cycle. Now it is not uncommon for me to get some light colored discharge right before my period. On the other hand, my cycle has really not been 28 days in the past 7 months. Only once did it come in 28 days and is usually 30. So this would be very early.
This morning there was some pinkish mucus looking tinge on the toilet wipe but no discernible period blood. I put on a pad and have gone about my morning. Toilet break at almost noon and the wipe is clear.
On the other hand, pregnancy test this morning, which is supposedly sensitive to 10mIU (which should mean an early detection) was negative. All my tests so far have been negative.
So is it my period or is it not my period?!
I meant to use one of the tests the clinic gave me instead of the Ebay ones this morning but I forgot. Tomorrow morning I will remember. This is horrible.
This makes my current situation with what is coming out of my vagina even more confusing. According to what I got from the clinic, my period is due tomorrow. Tomorrow is a 28 day cycle. Now it is not uncommon for me to get some light colored discharge right before my period. On the other hand, my cycle has really not been 28 days in the past 7 months. Only once did it come in 28 days and is usually 30. So this would be very early.
This morning there was some pinkish mucus looking tinge on the toilet wipe but no discernible period blood. I put on a pad and have gone about my morning. Toilet break at almost noon and the wipe is clear.
On the other hand, pregnancy test this morning, which is supposedly sensitive to 10mIU (which should mean an early detection) was negative. All my tests so far have been negative.
So is it my period or is it not my period?!
I meant to use one of the tests the clinic gave me instead of the Ebay ones this morning but I forgot. Tomorrow morning I will remember. This is horrible.
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