Back from my second scan this morning. It's a different game to egg freezing. The nurse was very pleased with the scan where there was one growing follicle (around 14mm) and 5 sleeping baby follicles. Of course with egg freezing, or IVF, you want all the follicles to be growing at an equal rate. So I was a bit tense when I only saw one follicle emerging. Of course with IUI, this is exactly what you want! You don't want multiples because that would risk multiple babies. The nurse was very positive about what she was looking at, so that was all good. And my uterine lining was also as desired. I have another scan on Monday and will continue with the 75 Gonal F injections. I suspect Monday night or Tuesday night will trigger so Tuesday or Wednesday will be the insemination.
They also took my blood again today to ensure everything is on track and as desired. I shouldn't get a phone call unless there's something wrong and they want to change the drug dose. This time it only took two tries to get blood out of me. On Monday I think I'm going to slug a large glass or two of water before cycling to the clinic. Being a human pin cushion is not particularly amusing.
Meanwhile, my second acupuncture appointment is scheduled for tomorrow. I've been good about taking my conception vitamins. I've also signed up to the Single Mothers by Choice website so I can make use of the forums. I've added a couple of links to the side of the blog and plan to add more as and when I find them useful or of interest!
Friday, February 19, 2016
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
IUI 1 - back in the swing
So I've had two days of injecting. Tonight I reduce the amount from 150 to 75. The first two injections have been fine. I'm a little perturbed to consider that my belly is fatter than when I did the egg freezing. I wish it wasn't so hard to lose weight! But that is neither here nor there.
Friday morning I'll have my next scan and see what's happening with my follicles. I did some reading today to try and better understand what's ideal in an IUI. Apparently there's a lot of interest in both the AMH and antral follicle count. I think I mentioned that the nurse counted 6-7 follicles on my ovary. This is apparently in the desirable range for someone my age. Having looked at some other blogs online, I read about women freaking out that their AMH was 3-5 and that was with two ovaries. Also these women had lower AMH numbers to me. So I'm feeling relatively okay about my general fertility level for my age.
I saw another statistic for IUI today which said my chances were not 5% but 6%! So that's obviously much better. I also read something else that said that pretty much every woman officially trying thinks she might be pregnant the first go out and usually isn't. And of course there's that statistic about 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage. It's all ups and downs and obviously it's all just on my mind.
I've also been thinking about finances and budgets. So I'll update the budget in a moment. Mostly I'm thinking about the high cost of child care (not to mention things a child might need). The nursery close to my house costs £200/week for full nursery care. So let's just call that £1000/month. I may qualify for some minimal tax relief, but not much. So where will this money come from? I know child minders are less expensive. Still, it's daunting. If I somehow get pregnant on one of the first... let's say 3 tries., then I'll have enough money saved for a year and a half of child care. Of course in that time I'll also be trying not to use that money so I'm sure it can stretch to twice as far. Still, pretty scary stuff. I know people make it work, and I'm definitely going to rely on hand-me-downs and support from my family. Still, having a child is no small undertaking, and one I'm not attempting lightly.
I did manage to see the new acupuncturist on Saturday and have an appointment for this upcoming Saturday as well. I pretty much think that other than sticking needles in you, every acupuncturist you see does it differently. This is the third I've been to in my life and it was different from the first two which were different from each other. Overall I thought it was okay though. I've decided not to include the cost of acupuncture as that's obviously completely optional. Similarly the conception vitamins and things like that just aren't worth accounting for in the budget. I do tell myself when spending money on them though, that they are worth coming out of the overall budget. but obviously that's a choice. The current budget is:
I was talking to my mother on the phone about the baby plan and explaining what I thought I could afford (2 IUI, 3 fresh IVF, then go to the frozen eggs). And she was like, "So what do you think that's going to be, like £10,000?" and I just laughed at her. "No mom, try £30,000". It's really not something you undertake lightly at all unless you are made of money, which I am not. I can only hold out hope that I don't blow through all the money trying to get pregnant. Of course I could blow through all the money and not get pregnant at all. Pretty crazy when you think about it!
Friday morning I'll have my next scan and see what's happening with my follicles. I did some reading today to try and better understand what's ideal in an IUI. Apparently there's a lot of interest in both the AMH and antral follicle count. I think I mentioned that the nurse counted 6-7 follicles on my ovary. This is apparently in the desirable range for someone my age. Having looked at some other blogs online, I read about women freaking out that their AMH was 3-5 and that was with two ovaries. Also these women had lower AMH numbers to me. So I'm feeling relatively okay about my general fertility level for my age.
I saw another statistic for IUI today which said my chances were not 5% but 6%! So that's obviously much better. I also read something else that said that pretty much every woman officially trying thinks she might be pregnant the first go out and usually isn't. And of course there's that statistic about 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage. It's all ups and downs and obviously it's all just on my mind.
I've also been thinking about finances and budgets. So I'll update the budget in a moment. Mostly I'm thinking about the high cost of child care (not to mention things a child might need). The nursery close to my house costs £200/week for full nursery care. So let's just call that £1000/month. I may qualify for some minimal tax relief, but not much. So where will this money come from? I know child minders are less expensive. Still, it's daunting. If I somehow get pregnant on one of the first... let's say 3 tries., then I'll have enough money saved for a year and a half of child care. Of course in that time I'll also be trying not to use that money so I'm sure it can stretch to twice as far. Still, pretty scary stuff. I know people make it work, and I'm definitely going to rely on hand-me-downs and support from my family. Still, having a child is no small undertaking, and one I'm not attempting lightly.
I did manage to see the new acupuncturist on Saturday and have an appointment for this upcoming Saturday as well. I pretty much think that other than sticking needles in you, every acupuncturist you see does it differently. This is the third I've been to in my life and it was different from the first two which were different from each other. Overall I thought it was okay though. I've decided not to include the cost of acupuncture as that's obviously completely optional. Similarly the conception vitamins and things like that just aren't worth accounting for in the budget. I do tell myself when spending money on them though, that they are worth coming out of the overall budget. but obviously that's a choice. The current budget is:
| Previous total | £4834 |
| IUI Inclusive Fee | £638 |
| New total | £5472 |
I was talking to my mother on the phone about the baby plan and explaining what I thought I could afford (2 IUI, 3 fresh IVF, then go to the frozen eggs). And she was like, "So what do you think that's going to be, like £10,000?" and I just laughed at her. "No mom, try £30,000". It's really not something you undertake lightly at all unless you are made of money, which I am not. I can only hold out hope that I don't blow through all the money trying to get pregnant. Of course I could blow through all the money and not get pregnant at all. Pretty crazy when you think about it!
Monday, February 15, 2016
IUI 1 - Go
This post may be somewhat premature as I'm still waiting to hear the results of my blood test from the clinic this morning to let me know for sure that I can go ahead with the IUI this cycle. Of course there is no reason to think that my blood test will be anything other than normal.
This morning I cycled over to the clinic for my 8:30am appointment. First I was taken to have my blood drawn. After trying in both arms and getting nothing, and after drinking two glasses of water, they decided to do my scan first and then see if the blood cold be drawn after. The scan was quick and easy. My uterine lining was thin as expected at the end of my period, and as desired. The nurse also counted 6-7 follicles on my one ovary (the other is gone remember!). So all looked in order. After the scan, the nurse gave me the schedule for my Gonal-F injections. Tonight and tomorrow I will do 150 and then it drops to 75/night. My next scan is scheduled for Friday morning at 8:15. I then have another scan scheduled for next Monday. On Friday they will determine if I should go ahead with the Pregnyl or wait until Monday. Since today is day 4 of my cycle, it's hard to say. My cycle is often a bit longer (~32 days) but then this month it was 28 days. That makes this Friday day 8 and Monday day 11. We'll see how it goes.
The nurse also gave me a little purple carry bag for the Gonal-F in case I need to inject while not at home. I didn't get that last time. It comes with a tube for needle disposal and everything. Very thoughtful.
After the scan nurse I went back to the blood nurse. I think she was a bit nervous after not getting anything from either arm so she called in a colleague to try for a third time. Meanwhile, I drank another glass of water in the hopes of plumping my veins. This nurse went for a deeper vein but funny enough I didn't feel it at all when it went in! And she managed to get the blood. So that was good. Third time was a charm. Although I hope that doesn't hold true for the cycle.
It's impossible not to start a cycle and be hopeful even though my chances of success are low low low. I'm taking my vitamins, I'm off alcohol and caffeine. I'm eating lots of vegetables and good foods. I'm doing the best I can! So of course I'm hoping for the chance that this might actually happen. Which is a bit better than being utterly terrified.
This morning I cycled over to the clinic for my 8:30am appointment. First I was taken to have my blood drawn. After trying in both arms and getting nothing, and after drinking two glasses of water, they decided to do my scan first and then see if the blood cold be drawn after. The scan was quick and easy. My uterine lining was thin as expected at the end of my period, and as desired. The nurse also counted 6-7 follicles on my one ovary (the other is gone remember!). So all looked in order. After the scan, the nurse gave me the schedule for my Gonal-F injections. Tonight and tomorrow I will do 150 and then it drops to 75/night. My next scan is scheduled for Friday morning at 8:15. I then have another scan scheduled for next Monday. On Friday they will determine if I should go ahead with the Pregnyl or wait until Monday. Since today is day 4 of my cycle, it's hard to say. My cycle is often a bit longer (~32 days) but then this month it was 28 days. That makes this Friday day 8 and Monday day 11. We'll see how it goes.
The nurse also gave me a little purple carry bag for the Gonal-F in case I need to inject while not at home. I didn't get that last time. It comes with a tube for needle disposal and everything. Very thoughtful.
After the scan nurse I went back to the blood nurse. I think she was a bit nervous after not getting anything from either arm so she called in a colleague to try for a third time. Meanwhile, I drank another glass of water in the hopes of plumping my veins. This nurse went for a deeper vein but funny enough I didn't feel it at all when it went in! And she managed to get the blood. So that was good. Third time was a charm. Although I hope that doesn't hold true for the cycle.
It's impossible not to start a cycle and be hopeful even though my chances of success are low low low. I'm taking my vitamins, I'm off alcohol and caffeine. I'm eating lots of vegetables and good foods. I'm doing the best I can! So of course I'm hoping for the chance that this might actually happen. Which is a bit better than being utterly terrified.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
IUI 1 - First scan scheduled
I am feeling a little bit less freaked out than I was yesterday. Though still not entirely comfortable. My period is not being very helpful this month. Yesterday I had the barest bit of color and today it seems much the same. No 'full flow' as it were. I called the clinic and they said that they want the first scan to be between day 1-4 and that it really needs to be once full flow has started. So they scheduled me for first thing Monday morning. If my period starts in full tomorrow, this would still be day 4. The nurse reassured me that there is a problem starting too early, not too late, so Monday would be fine. I am of course now concerned that Monday is late somehow. Funny how the brain works.
In other news, after my panic yesterday I did try to talk (text) a friend of mine who has been through years of fertility issues. I was not particularly happy with how she responded to me. Very terse and dismissive. Of course I've supported her through her years of ups and downs. With her experience, you'd think she might have been a bit more sympathetic. It just means I can't really rely on her for talking which sort of sucks. I also briefly mentioned my emotional state to the boyfriend. To his credit he handled it well. I'm trying to keep him in the loop and not put too much on him, as I said, he's barely processing his own emotions about it. But he did okay.
I'm also trying to set up some acupuncture appointments. I'm a bit late to the game here and I should have started earlier. I could go for one today but I'd have to leave work early. The next available appointment is next Saturday which is perhaps a bit late for it to be in any way effective this cycle, for as effective as acupuncture is. Unless I go somewhere else of course. I had some good experiences with it during egg freezing and I'm keen to do it again because I think it can't hurt and if it helps, great. So we'll see how that goes. At least I'm being reasonably good at taking my conception vitamins at the moment! I can't say I'm the best at 'all the things you should do when trying to conceive'. I'm trying.
In other news, after my panic yesterday I did try to talk (text) a friend of mine who has been through years of fertility issues. I was not particularly happy with how she responded to me. Very terse and dismissive. Of course I've supported her through her years of ups and downs. With her experience, you'd think she might have been a bit more sympathetic. It just means I can't really rely on her for talking which sort of sucks. I also briefly mentioned my emotional state to the boyfriend. To his credit he handled it well. I'm trying to keep him in the loop and not put too much on him, as I said, he's barely processing his own emotions about it. But he did okay.
I'm also trying to set up some acupuncture appointments. I'm a bit late to the game here and I should have started earlier. I could go for one today but I'd have to leave work early. The next available appointment is next Saturday which is perhaps a bit late for it to be in any way effective this cycle, for as effective as acupuncture is. Unless I go somewhere else of course. I had some good experiences with it during egg freezing and I'm keen to do it again because I think it can't hurt and if it helps, great. So we'll see how that goes. At least I'm being reasonably good at taking my conception vitamins at the moment! I can't say I'm the best at 'all the things you should do when trying to conceive'. I'm trying.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Any Day
This morning I thought I might have my period but it was inconclusive. It took me until about mid-day to need to use the bathroom. As I went up to the bathroom I started to get nervous. Then I got more nervous. Then I started to freak out. My period has not arrived. But it should in the next couple of days. Today is day 28, my cycle is somewhere around 32 but fluctuates. This response wasn't what I expected from myself. I considered upon reflection of my shaking hands and shallow breathing that I was actually a little bit terrified. It's not that I'm having second thoughts about the plan. And the success rate percentage for me is not particularly good, especially not doing IUI. But it's still a really big deal. And it could happen. And somehow, that was very much frightening as I walked upstairs to use the bathroom.
Upon further reflection as I walked to lunch, I considered that part of the panic also comes from the isolation. Who do I have to discuss this with, in respect to my fears and hopes and emotional state? Most people I know, 'know' what I'm doing. But they aren't necessarily the people I want to bend the ear of sounding a bit insane rambling on about my emotions. I mean, I could. I probably just don't want to. Especially not with those friends who have had their own fertility issues and journeys.
I also don't want to call on the boyfriend who had another freak out this past weekend. He is having trouble accepting that I'm doing this, and how he views it reflects upon him and our relationship. He doesn't want to leave me, but he's not happy with this either. I am keeping him updated about what I'm doing, but I don't think he could handle my emotional stress on this issue when he's barely addressing his own.
So anyway, any day! Things are going to happen. That will statistically probably result in nothing happening. However, this blog might become a bit of an emotional dumping ground for a while as I process how I'm feeling through this journey. Which I suppose is sort of what blogs are for. You've been warned.
Upon further reflection as I walked to lunch, I considered that part of the panic also comes from the isolation. Who do I have to discuss this with, in respect to my fears and hopes and emotional state? Most people I know, 'know' what I'm doing. But they aren't necessarily the people I want to bend the ear of sounding a bit insane rambling on about my emotions. I mean, I could. I probably just don't want to. Especially not with those friends who have had their own fertility issues and journeys.
I also don't want to call on the boyfriend who had another freak out this past weekend. He is having trouble accepting that I'm doing this, and how he views it reflects upon him and our relationship. He doesn't want to leave me, but he's not happy with this either. I am keeping him updated about what I'm doing, but I don't think he could handle my emotional stress on this issue when he's barely addressing his own.
So anyway, any day! Things are going to happen. That will statistically probably result in nothing happening. However, this blog might become a bit of an emotional dumping ground for a while as I process how I'm feeling through this journey. Which I suppose is sort of what blogs are for. You've been warned.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Statistics
I managed to discourage myself by looking at success statistics for IUI using donor sperm. Apparently for my age (41) it's around 5%. That's pretty low odds I have to say. This was somewhat tempered by a meeting over the weekend with a lesbian couple with a 1-year old who did IUI and got pregnant on the second cycle. Of course she's ten years younger than me though. So, a bit of discouragement and a bit of encouragement. Also encouraging was that this couple used the same clinic that I'm using and spoke very highly of their experience there. They're starting trying for a second baby now so it's even possible I'll bump into them at the clinic, although probably not. They also told me that Pregnyl is not intramuscular so that was good news. Apparently it's a bit annoying to mix and it requires breaking a glass vial, but it just goes in your belly like all the rest, albeit with a longer needle. But this I can manage. So that was good.
I am going to try a new approach with the boyfriend this evening in that I'm just going to talk factually about what's going on with me. He either needs to come to some sort of acceptance about it, or he isn't going to in which case, he won't be able to be with me. But at the moment I feel like it's this thing hanging over me which is sad and unpleasant. To be honest, this is a hard enough journey on its own and I don't need something to be feeling bad about that's related. I really hope that he can come around and find my perspective that our relationship trajectory, and the baby trajectory (that I started before I met him) are just different things. I get that it's not traditional. I get that it's hard. I get that he's upset. I just don't see that I can do anything else other than I'm doing. And ignoring it is definitely not making it go away with the clock ticking.
I am going to try a new approach with the boyfriend this evening in that I'm just going to talk factually about what's going on with me. He either needs to come to some sort of acceptance about it, or he isn't going to in which case, he won't be able to be with me. But at the moment I feel like it's this thing hanging over me which is sad and unpleasant. To be honest, this is a hard enough journey on its own and I don't need something to be feeling bad about that's related. I really hope that he can come around and find my perspective that our relationship trajectory, and the baby trajectory (that I started before I met him) are just different things. I get that it's not traditional. I get that it's hard. I get that he's upset. I just don't see that I can do anything else other than I'm doing. And ignoring it is definitely not making it go away with the clock ticking.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Tick Tock
So my period ended up coming particularly early while I was away- I think on 28 days. So definitely starting this month was a no-go. However, that means February is looking good and everything is now in place to try. The donor sperm is at the clinic and I've been delivered my drugs for the first IUI cycle. This includes a 900iu Gonal F pen and 2 Pregnyl which I've not used before. It looks like the Pregnyl is an intramuscular injection which may be a challenge on my own but I'll find out more at my first scan which should be on day 1 or 2 of my next period, due mid-Feb.
The drug delivery had to be to work which was a little bit annoying but they didn't have a Saturday delivery slot. It came in a massive cool box which was all very well packaged. Pretty much discreetly except it said 'laminarmedica' on the side. The 'medica' part is somewhat obviously 'medical' and it would certainly be recognizable to someone else going through the same. In fact there is a woman in my group who has suffered from fertility challenges and I was particularly concerned with upsetting her. I hope I didn't, and she didn't say. Hopefully in the future I can get the drugs delivered to home. Of course there's the possibility I may not need any more drugs, but I honestly don't believe that will happen. On the other hand, it would be wrong of me not to acknowledge it could happen.
So the next thing is to wait. When my period arrives, I will call the clinic and they will fit me in for a scan either that day or day 2. They'll let me know what I should start injecting and when I should come back for the next scan and we'll be set to try the first IUI. I'll also pay for the IUI on that day so will update the budget accordingly and detail what's included later.
Otherwise I need to get much better at being regular about taking my conception vitamins and I'm looking to get some acupuncture appointments set up as well. Need to lay off the alcohol and caffeine, not that I have particularly much of either to begin with. Already on a vague healthy eating kick, mostly due to trying to reduce my meat consumption (although I'm not a vegetarian). I still find this whole thing a little bit surreal. While I was away (visiting a dear friend with two small children, 3.5 and 1.5) it was very easy to be excited about this journey and look forward to trying. Now that I'm back in my life though, it just doesn't seem entirely real. I have so many other things going on and to do. Part of me is still excited and hopeful, and then the other part is more cautious and whispers that I may not get pregnant anyway after all the trying. So I guess I end up not wanting to think about it too much at all lest I get either depressed or anxious. This doesn't stop my progress on my plans, but it does put me in a rather strange state of mind where this is something I'm obviously completely committed to, but then try not to think about it too much in the moment.
That may be challenged and it may become a bit more prominent once the cycle is underway however. Probably.
This week I also had to go to the GP to get my virals retested. This was HIV and Hepatitis B & C screenings. Apparently whilst undergoing treatment these need to be within 3 months current which seems excessive. I showed up at the GP and they were frankly confused because my tests were in date but no, I had to have those again. Luckily the GP covered it. I suppose they could get annoyed if this continues and make me pay for it, I can't imagine it's all that much by comparison.
The drug delivery came via Healthcare at Home which if you were at all a reader of my egg freezing blog you will know has the best pricing around on fertility drugs. Or at least they did two years ago and I have no particular reason to think this has changed. So new budget:
| Previous total | £4454 |
| 900iu Gonal F and 2 Pregnyl | £380 |
| New total | £4834 |
The drug delivery had to be to work which was a little bit annoying but they didn't have a Saturday delivery slot. It came in a massive cool box which was all very well packaged. Pretty much discreetly except it said 'laminarmedica' on the side. The 'medica' part is somewhat obviously 'medical' and it would certainly be recognizable to someone else going through the same. In fact there is a woman in my group who has suffered from fertility challenges and I was particularly concerned with upsetting her. I hope I didn't, and she didn't say. Hopefully in the future I can get the drugs delivered to home. Of course there's the possibility I may not need any more drugs, but I honestly don't believe that will happen. On the other hand, it would be wrong of me not to acknowledge it could happen.
So the next thing is to wait. When my period arrives, I will call the clinic and they will fit me in for a scan either that day or day 2. They'll let me know what I should start injecting and when I should come back for the next scan and we'll be set to try the first IUI. I'll also pay for the IUI on that day so will update the budget accordingly and detail what's included later.
Otherwise I need to get much better at being regular about taking my conception vitamins and I'm looking to get some acupuncture appointments set up as well. Need to lay off the alcohol and caffeine, not that I have particularly much of either to begin with. Already on a vague healthy eating kick, mostly due to trying to reduce my meat consumption (although I'm not a vegetarian). I still find this whole thing a little bit surreal. While I was away (visiting a dear friend with two small children, 3.5 and 1.5) it was very easy to be excited about this journey and look forward to trying. Now that I'm back in my life though, it just doesn't seem entirely real. I have so many other things going on and to do. Part of me is still excited and hopeful, and then the other part is more cautious and whispers that I may not get pregnant anyway after all the trying. So I guess I end up not wanting to think about it too much at all lest I get either depressed or anxious. This doesn't stop my progress on my plans, but it does put me in a rather strange state of mind where this is something I'm obviously completely committed to, but then try not to think about it too much in the moment.
That may be challenged and it may become a bit more prominent once the cycle is underway however. Probably.
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