One Cycle Ends, Another Begins

So I took the clinic pregnancy test on Friday and it was negative.  Additionally, my period basically started on the Thursday night, so cycle one was unsuccessful.  On the plus side, with my period not starting until Friday really, this was perfect timing to start the new cycle. 

I called my clinic on Friday morning because they ask you to report the result of the pregnancy test, plus, I wanted to immediately get going on IUI 2.  This would require me to order the drugs so they are ready for me on Monday.  Unfortunately, no one answered the phone at my clinic and I was forced to leave a message detailing the result of the pregnancy test, and my intentions to start cycle 2.  By 3pm, no one had called me back and I was about to go into a 2-hour meeting which meant I couldn't get in touch with them until Monday.  So with 5 minutes to my meeting I managed to get through and schedule a scan for Monday morning.  However, there wasn't enough time to get the drug order sorted.  The nurse indicated I would be able to buy the Gonal-F at the clinic on Monday.  I really hope this is the case and it's not somehow more expensive for the inconvenience.  Because it's not my fault they were too busy to get to their phone messages.

In the meantime, I've recently read It Starts with the Egg which was recommended on some of the forums I'm now frequenting.  It was an interesting read and has made me think about making a few changes to my current routine.  I was already taking conception vitamins but I think I'm going to add some CoQ10 to my routine.  I'm also looking at replacing some of the plastic food storage containers I use with glass to help reduce my exposure to BPA.  I figure that these are things I can do relatively easily, and that are not going to hurt me.  Similar to acupuncture.  There is a lot of discussion online about DHEA and in this instance I would not start taking it without my clinic's approval and probably some testing.

So how am I feeling with one failed cycle?  Disappointed of course.  Although I started to address that as my negative pregnancy tests kept coming in so that the final one wasn't such a shock.  Maybe a little bit panicked based on how much money I have and how long I feel I can realistically give this a try.  I found myself thinking I should go straight to the frozen eggs and stop fucking around.  I'm pretty sure this was a direct response to feeling like it's just not going to work with my current 'old' eggs due to this cycle not working.  But those eggs are not going anywhere and my current eggs could work.  I think I need to try one more IUI as planned, and then one fresh IVF and then see how all that goes.  If the clinic suggests going to the frozen at that point, then fine.  But it won't be a knee-jerk reaction to things not going as desired.

It's entirely possible that this is going to be an expensive year that doesn't result in a baby at all.  But it's far too early in the process to be thinking that way.  One failed IUI which only had a 6% success rate is not the thing to be basing the entire journey on.  And hey, based on my very poor understanding of how to add odds, by doing two IUI, each at a 6% success rate, the chance of one of them working is 12%, so that's a bit more hopeful for the second one, huh?

TWW 1 - Day 15 still negative

With every day and another negative test it seems more and more certain that I am not pregnant this cycle.  According to my clinic, my period should arrive tomorrow.  Although because my cycle is irregular, that would be a bit early for it, but I suppose it's still possible.  They also mentioned that it might be later due to having done the IUI although I'm not sure why that would be the case.   They want me to take their pregnancy test on Friday so I've been saving that one.  The ones I've been taking I got in bulk via Ebay.

I'm ready to go to the next cycle and put this one behind me.  I am of course disappointed it appears to not have worked, but maybe less traumatized than I could have been.  I have been thinking though whether it would be better to do fresh IVF or go straight to my frozen eggs.  The reason to do fresh IVF would be that I'm still producing eggs and to keep the frozen ones as the last resort.  On the other hand, right now all I can think is that I want one baby, so isn't my best chance to use my frozen eggs?

I think I should probably stick to the original plan and this is maybe a way that my disappointment is expressing itself.  Generally in my head I keep thinking that I'm too old to get pregnant with my current eggs.  But this is not a particularly sensible way to think.  One cycle hardly means anything at all.

TWW 1 - Day 11 and two negatives

It's 11 days past IUI and I've taken my second pregnancy test which was also negative. The first I took yesterday. I got some cheap ones off eBay which means I can take one a day and do the one the clinic gave me on the day they said. I don't think this cycle has worked although this is early testing and still possible to get false negatives. A positive would be meaningful at this stage, a negative less so.

But realistically, this cycle is probably a negative. So the next question is when will my period appear to plan for the next one? I wrote previously about the timing issue for this cycle. I think the best thing would be for my period to come late. That will just be easier.

TWW 1 - Day 7 and flu is a great distraction

So it's one week today from my IUI and I'm at home for the second day after coming down with some sort of horrid flu/cold on Saturday which has completely taken me out of commission.  Of course my very first problem was that I was not able to turn to my trusted drugs of choice.  In fact I was convinced I could take no drugs at all and I wasn't in a good enough state to do any google research.  Just looking at my phone was difficult.  So I sweated it out with a reasonably high fever for a day and a half.  Then I managed to text/talk to a good friend who has done numerous fertility treatments and is well versed in all things pregnancy.  She said I could take some Tylenol.  So I started taking half dose Tylenol which I think helped a little.  But still, I've been so sick that I'm not at work.

I think I'll go tomorrow, but instead of cycling in I might take a taxi.  Especially if it's still raining like it is today.  Part of the reason is that I have a progesterone test scheduled with my GP to ensure ovulation occurred.  I mean, I took a trigger shot, so there's no real reason to think ovulation didn't occur.  But that's fine. It's a good excuse to go back to work.

I will say that being dreadfully ill was a good way not to obsess about whether I might be pregnant or not.  It was also a good way to lose half a stone in two days from barely eating.  I wouldn't say I'd recommend it in principle.

Of course now that I'm feeling better I'm convinced that I can't possibly be pregnant.  I don't feel anything, or rather, I'm feeling the after effects of having been ill and I don't notice anything that might be a pregnancy feeling.  Two people who knew that I was trying this cycle gently asked if it might be morning sickness.  All I have to say is, that if morning sickness was anything like that, no one would get pregnant ever.  Seriously.  But no.  My landlords are here and they both got sick one after the other and then me.  The virus took us out one at a time but it was clearly that and not anything else.

Then of course I also worry that having gotten sick in this critical time it would ruin any chance of actually getting pregnant or somehow interfere.  Not there there would have been anything I could have done otherwise.  I did manage to drag myself to acupuncture on Saturday, which could have been a mistake.  But I wanted to complete the treatment for this cycle.  My acupuncturist was very positive about my pregnancy chances, but then what is she going to say?  She also said that lots of women get colds and flues when pregnant which I do think I've read a bit about so maybe although it's miserable for me it doesn't have much to do with the pregnancy chances.  At any rate, my feelings on acupuncture are still much the same in that I'm not convinced it really does anything, but I know it doesn't hurt me.  So it's fine to add it to the mix.  I guess the thing is, right now I'm sort of sure I'm not pregnant.  But I do have an entire other week of waiting. 

When I was sick I wasn't really eating so I wasn't taking my per-conception vitamins but I've managed to get back on that today. I'm sure that 3 days missed is not going to be the end of the world.  Especially as I'd been good about taking them somewhat regularly.  When I go back to work there should be a delivery of some pregnancy tests that I ordered online.  The clinic only gave me one which they want me to do on the 11th even though my period is due on the 9th.  From some of my internet reading it suggests you could start testing a bit earlier and I'm not sure I can wait all that long.  So I bought some tests to give me the option.  This will also let me 'save' the one the clinic gave me for the right day without the urge to use it sooner.

I think I've had some new readers stop by from the Donor Conception Network single women's mailer.  If so, welcome and do feel free to start up a dialogue on the comments.  I've really only just started engaging with forums although I've been thinking about this and reading up on it for some time.  I've learned some interesting things from the SMC forums related to donor sperm which perhaps would have been useful before I made my choice, but then again, maybe not.  I might reflect on that in a later post.

Meanwhile, I'm off to make more lemon/ginger/honey tea.

TWW 1 - Day 3

How can it only be day 3?  This is ridiculous.  My brain has scrambled over all of the possible permutations and my emotions are being tossed about like a little dinghy on a rough sea.  What if I am?  What if I'm not?  Of course I'm not.  I'll probably never be.  What if I am?  Repeat.

I've joined a couple of forum/discussion group things which are both helpful and unhelpful.  Unhelpful because I now see a cadre of women pursuing single motherhood; and, because of how the boards are broken down I'm in the 'Trying to Conceive' group.  Once a woman is pregnant, she may move to the pregnancy discussion boards.  This means the women in 'Trying to Conceive' are all, well, trying to conceive.  And that some have been at it for quite some time.  I see women who have had 6 IUI or more and numerous IVF attempts and frozen embryo transfers.  This is perhaps a bit disheartening as I've only had one measly IUI.  Of course those who have moved on may not have as many tries, but they aren't on the boards I'm tending to read at the moment.

Then in reading older posts, I saw someone had posted a link to an article that talks about how after you turn 35, the likelihood of embryos with abnormal chromosomal numbers increased regularly.  So of course since I'm 41 this was also disheartening and made me think that there is simply no chance that this is going to work at all.

But then I was on Facebook and I saw that a number of people I know who are similarly aged to me have babies.  So it's not so unusual among my peer group to be late 30's, early 40's and be having your first child.

As I said, this is only day 3 for fuck's sake.

I'm already trying to determine how it will work to immediately start the next cycle.  According to the clinic, my period is due on the 9th of March (if it's coming).  They want me to take a pregnancy test regardless of bleeding on the 11th of March.  I am unfortunately away from home on the 10th, 11th, and 12th.  This means that it may not be possible for me to arrange a drug delivery in time, or go for my first scan in time to start the next cycle for March.  If my period comes later than the 9th, for example on the 10th or 11th, I could go for a scan on Monday the 14th which will be day 4 or 5 of that cycle.  I could also call in advance so the drugs are delivered to my office on that Monday and be set to inject that evening.  However, if my period starts on the 9th, Monday will be day 6 and I think this is too late for the first scan, although obviously I will check with the clinic.  So I'm hoping that, assuming this cycle has not been successful, my period sticks to it's somewhat longer schedule and comes a bit later in that week and not earlier as I don't really want to delay by a month.  But obviously I will if I have to.

Wouldn't it all be so much easier (for any number of reasons) if this first cycle actually worked?  Wouldn't that be amazing??

But, it probably hasn't.

IUI 1 - Insemination

Here I am at the clinic waiting for my taxi to take me back to work. Is this for real?? Holy shit. I'm back to feeling terrified. But also skeptical, incredulous, in denial, etc.  I'm feeling a lot, but I can't put my finger on any one particular feeling.  Really it's a bit overwhelming and then all of the sudden at the same time it's so overwhelming I can't think about it at all.

I did the trigger last night at 6pm. Managed to not open one of the glass vials very well and it made a bit of a mess as when the top came off it crushed.  But it was okay.  I started to get a bit freaked out about the timing of the trigger versus the timing of the insemination today as they were scheduled for 20 hours apart.  On the internet, which you should never read for medical advice, there are so many women freaking out about the timing of these two things.  Basically the trigger starts the ovulation process, but it takes time.  Both the egg and sperm have certain lifespans and ideally you want those things to match up.  When I did egg freezing, the procedure was 35 hours after the trigger (I think) so this sort of freaked me out and I went for the earliest time they told me.  However, I asked the doctor about this at the procedure and she was extremely reassuring about success rates of 20 hour versus 35 hour (which is to say, they're basically the same) and that they believe they don't want to miss the egg window so better to go early.  Fine by me.

Anyway, I took a taxi to the clinic from work. They told me to be here at 1:45 and of course I was early. But they were running late. So I didn't go in until probably 2:15. No one else was in the recovery room and I had a cubicle to myself.  Jeans and underwear came off and a hospital robe went on the front.  I got to hold it together at the back which is always fun. The doctor and trainee doctor came in and explained the procedure. I think it took longer to explain then do!

We went into the procedure room and I got on the table. The lead doctor had an ultrasound on my tummy to watch the procedure and try to see the ovary. She couldn't see the follicle, which could mean it already started to release, or she just couldn't see it from that angle. The trainee doctor put in the speculum and cleaned the womb entrance with sterile water. A tiny catheter was put into the womb and then the embryologist passes over the prepared sperm. This was connected to the catheter, injected, and all was done!  The catheter was so tiny I didn't have any cramping at all.  Not like the Hycosi at all.  In fact, I didn't even know the catheter was inserted.

Now the waiting begins.  Since the egg may or may not be released yet, there is still some time (say, 24 hours) for it even to become fertilized.  Then it takes some time to properly implant.  I need a progesterone test in a week to verify l ovulated, although I can't imagine I didn't.  Then they gave me a home pregnancy test to take on the 11th of March.  This is actually a bit more than 2 weeks which sort of sucks.  I'm sure the waiting is going to be emotionally taxing.

But really, as the doctor said, that's all there is to it. She made an effort to express to me that there is pretty much nothing I can do at this point that will change the outcome.  She said, if I have a doubt about something, I shouldn't do it.  But not because it will make a difference, but more because it will make a difference to how I feel and my stress levels.  She said to keep taking vitamins and wait.

So that's pretty much all I can do....

In the meantime, assuming this cycle doesn't work, I asked about when I could order the drugs for the next cycle.  They said to call on the first day of my period if it starts and hopefully I could get the drugs and come in for a scan on day 4.  So.... obviously there's a much greater likelihood that this will be the case as opposed to the alternative.

IUI 1 - Day 11 Scan, Trigger (I think)

I'm waiting for the clinic to call me with the timings for what should be my trigger shot this evening, and the time for my IUI procedure tomorrow morning/early afternoon.  It's almost 3pm and I'm still waiting.... frustrating.

The scan this morning was fine.  I've been feeling some crampy 'fullness' in my right side which is the side my ovary is on.  I don't usually get pre-period feelings of any kind, so it's been a bit weird to feel my right side, particularly as this isn't really a stimulation cycle like it was for egg freezing.  Here there's only one good follicle. So why all the pressure??  Maybe it's just the drugs working.

At any rate, the scan showed my uterine lining continuing to grow as desired and a straight line growth of the one good follicle which was at 14mm on Friday and is now 18/19mm this morning.  The nurse said this means my trigger should be tonight and the IUI tomorrow.  We went through how to mix up the Pregnyl which is a bit fussy.  You have to snap tiny glass vials and do the whole powder/water mixing thing.  I asked why they use Pregnyl instead of Ovitrelle and the nurse said that based on their very limited numbers, they had better results with Pregnyl.  So that was good enough for me!  Even if it does come in an easier to use syringe.  I'm sure it will be fine.  If I think about it, I might take pictures of these teeny tiny vials.

The main thing I'm waiting to hear other than the timings for things is whether I need to do one injection of the Pregnyl or two.  This is based on my blood test results.  This time it took her two tries to get the blood out.  The first time she went for the same vein that the nurse went for on Friday so in order to hit a different spot on it she went higher, but no luck. So she ended up going for the same spot on the second try and it gave up the goods.  Hopefully I don't have to give any more blood tomorrow.

I had my second acupuncture appointment on Saturday which went well.  It was very similar to the first one with needles in my abdomen, right ear, arms, hands, calves, and feet.  She again did the warming trick with the needles and put a heat light on my feet.  I managed to doze off during the treatment so that's probably a good thing!

I have very low expectations for this procedure, as in, I do not expect it to work at all.  Of course I will be very disappointed when it doesn't, but right now I feel that it won't.  Which will also mean I'll be scared shitless if it does!  It's really impossible not to think about it and have hopes and worries as you go along.  Minute by minute or second by second even.  I'm trying to just stay sane and go with the flow.  I'm going to have to wait two weeks to know anything at all which I'm sure will be headache inducing with how much my brain will mull it over.

I suspect the procedure tomorrow will be relatively straightforward and quick-ish.  I will write it up after the fact.  They told me that when you're scheduled to come in they defrost the sperm in advance so there's no waiting around.  They also said that there is absolutely no benefit to laying down or what have you for however long.  Either you're going to get pregnant or you're not and that is not going to make a difference in the slightest.  I'm sure I'll take it easy, and may in fact take a taxi from work to the appointment and back (instead of cycling).  But it's pretty much out of my hands at this point.  Not that it particularly ever was in my hands to begin with if you think about it.

Anyway.  It's all very exciting, terrifying, and disappointing all at once at the moment.  Which seems to me to be just about normal.