14w - Facebook

So I did it. I made the pregnancy announcement. Getting a lot of love from far and wide which is nice. And it is an easy way to tell people. Kind of scary. Does it make it all somehow more real? Or does it just make it more precarious in case something goes wrong?

At any rate, I'm enjoying the global love. It pairs nicely with the birthday love. I swear this is what social media is for.

Oh yeah, in the meantime, at 14w today, I can definitively say this is now the second trimester! Woohoo!

13w6d - Happy birthday to me!

42.... I'm so old.  I'm saying it's my Douglas Adams year.  I don't know if I'll have the answer to life, the universe, and everything.... but things are definitely going to change!! Another friend told me that astrologically 42 is also considered a life changing year.  Anyway, it seems I'm consistent!!

13w5d - Sneaking doubt

I've decided to change the timing to my actual week count according to my midwife. It's just easier.

So at almost 14 weeks, I again feel 'not pregnant'. Nothing has happened, and nothing has changed. Or perhaps I get more comfortable with the subtle changes so they seem less new. At any rate, this means the doubt starts to creep in that something has happened that I am otherwise unaware of. I of course have no reason to think that something has happened. I have had no cramps, no spotting, nothing at all to suggest I am anything other than pregnant. It's just weird.

This weekend some friends of mine came to visit with their 2 children. I haven't seen them for a while, and I had not yet met new baby who was not so new anymore. They brought me a whole bag filled of baby clothes and some other goodies which was awesome. Although some are not labeled in English so it's not entirely obviously what size they are for, but if I put them next to the ones that I can read, it will be easy enough to work out. I mean really, what fits the baby fits, when it doesn't, they've outgrown it! For some reason I expected some of the hand-me-downs from their youngest who is a boy, but they managed to give me a bag from their eldest who is a girl. Apparently it's been used by someone else in between, but who cares? What was funny was how pink and purple everything was! Also white with some grey and beige, but mostly pink and purple. I guess that's the way forward! I was saying to a work colleague today that someone really needs to make non-gendered baby clothes in rainbow colors or lovely greens and oranges and yellows and browns. Why so much gendered clothing? It's ridiculous. It's also why one of the few items of clothing I am likely to indulge in is this number from a designer I've seen at shows in London for years.

One of the things my friends also brought was their fetal Doppler. We gave it a go and couldn't find the heartbeat. This was not entirely unexpected because first, it says it's for use from 14 weeks which I'm not yet; second, I've got extra belly padding which makes finding something the size of a lentil inside of a lemon inside my gut less easy; and third, from my NIPT scan, I learned I have an anterior placenta which can also make it difficult to find the heartbeat. While this didn't immediately fill me with panic, it also didn't help with my general feelings of 'not pregnant'. I don't have a midwife appointment for 2 weeks, so there is nothing to do but go about my daily business and hope that something starts to happen at some point that indicates to me that I might actually be pregnant! I mean, other than not having my period, having a tiny bit of a bump obvious to only me, firmer breasts, and more sensitive nipples.

In other news I've scored some great buys on eBay for maternity clothes and I will continue to scour the listings. I got a few things today. I think I've spent in total £25 on a few auctions and have 3 tops, 3 pairs of jeans, and two pairs of leggings. Considering one pair of jeans new is around £25, I feel pretty good about this.  Some of it arrived today and looks great, so I'll wash it and have everything ready for when I need it. Currently scouting pajamas, a bathing suit, and more tops.

78dpo 13w4d - Sad dreams

They say that pregnancy dreams can be intense. I can't say I've noticed that my dreams are more intense than before, but I've always had rather epic and involved and very detailed dreams. Sometimes I have them in phases, and I have had some recently, but I've also not had some recently so I can't say I've noticed any particular change.

But I can say that because dreams are a way to deal with your current thoughts, that I have noticed a shift in content to often involve issues relating to my future child. For example, the other day I had a dream that my daughter ended up being very dark skinned, sort of like south Indian dark skinned. I'm sure this was brought about because I selected an ethnic donor. Now, I selected an ethnic donor who listed themselves as Caucasian and in the photos looked just a bit olive skinned tanned. Their ethnic heritage is Syrian, but I suspect that mixed with my genes, my child will look as I expected, Caucasian and a bit Middle Eastern perhaps which was what I was going for given that I'm always mistaken for Mediterranean of some sort or another and look like the Ashkenazi Jew that I am. But in my dream this child was very dark and I was fretting that I'd made some awful mistake and given her a harder life because she didn't look much like me as intended.

Last night I had a dream about relationships and fathers. My dream featured two men who I know from different couples that I know. These are lovely couples who I think have really wonderful relationships. The kind that most people don't have. I don't really remember my dream now, but I think one or both of these men were somehow available and I was talking to them, and then even in my dream it was some later 'scene' and I was explaining to someone else that I was dreaming of these men because I was feeling sad about the path that life did not pick for me and what I didn't have. And then I woke up.

Becoming a single mother was not my Plan A. I of course hoped to find the right person that I would have liked to have a family with. It just didn't work out like that. I don't regret my decision, and I don't feel bad about it in any way. But I suppose there are some particular uncertainties that come with, for example, using a donor, or not having someone else to rely on. On a day to day basis, I don't focus on these issues because I think they actually don't matter. Every new parent has fears and challenges that are unique to them and their child. I suppose it's just interesting to me what is actually playing out in the back of my head and being revealed in my dreams.

76dpo 13w2d - How to tell

I continue to mull over the idea of doing some sort of pregnancy announcement. My books are varied in when the first trimester ends- end of 12th or 13th week. Tomorrow is officially 13 weeks by fertilization date. My birthday is in a week, so I was debating putting something up then, as I'm expecting a bunch of the standard happy birthday messages on Facebook. I've been telling people in person, but there are a lot of people I know who live in other countries, so this would be an easy way to get the word out. Isn't that what social media is sort of for? I'd like to be able to tell people in person, but I guess it's the next best thing. I haven't come up with any sort of clever way to do it- probably just a picture from the last scan.

It's been a bit weird for me that two good friends of mine, of the same age, who both got pregnant around when I got pregnant have both lost their pregnancies. I was excited that we were all pregnant, and now they are not. I'm feeling as though I am past most of the danger points, although there is always a small risk. A work colleague lost a pregnancy at 20 weeks last year, and I know of someone else who found out their baby had died just a couple of weeks before birth. While I still worry on some level, I am starting to feel ever so cautiously optimistic that this is really happening and I'm going to have a baby. It's hard not to feel guilty that I am still pregnant when they aren't. I mean, not guilty like there's anything wrong, but that I know my pregnancy may hurt them or be hard to deal with which makes me sad.

In other entertaining news, I had to remind my mother that presents for the baby do not equate to birthday presents for me. She was very kind and offered me one of the baby items as a birthday present, but for my birthday- in a week. I suggested to her there were any number of things she could give to me, and that if she wanted to get things for the baby, that was awesome, but it wasn't exactly a present for me. Having talked to her last night, I think she may now look into getting me a pregnancy massage or something like that, which would be very cool. I also suggested a jewelry (for me) that symbolized impending motherhood. A meal voucher. You know, something FOR me? Anyway, it was funny and she took it all in good humor. I'm being usurped by the granddaughter already, and it's still a ways before she gets here!!

In better news, I weighed myself this morning and I seem to be back at a 'normal' weight and not the heavy weight I got last week. I'll check again the next couple of days because my scale can be wonky. However, I was concerned I'd put on too much weight; if the scale was right this morning, I've only put in 2 pounds since the start of the pregnancy as opposed to 7. Which would be much better.

72dpo 12w5d - Scan results

I had my scan yesterday morning and it was very exciting. Baby girl was moving ALL OVER this time. She was twisting and stretching and wriggling about. I saw her legs flex and kick, and her hand come up to her mouth. Given that she's the size of a plumb, this is pretty amazing. I was enthralled with looking at her. Unfortunately, I couldn't see the screen particularly well from where I was laying but I did get a couple of pictures. They also seemed to think that because my NIPT results were fine, they didn't need to do the Nuchal translucency testing. Which I suppose is probably true, although I would have preferred the double check. I had two radiologists in with me, a trainee and her supervisor. Because baby was all over the place, it did take some time to get the right measurements. I had to lift my but and wiggle, they tipped the table so I was inverted, all to try to get baby in a good position. It was sort of entertaining. I didn't care. It meant more time looking at her!

I don't have another scan now until week 20. I need to schedule my next midwife appointment for week 16. So there's a month here with not too much going on medically. Which is fine. I don't think it's sinking in really yet that there's a little baby growing inside of me. I don't know if it ever sinks in until you are holding your child. It's so weird.

I'm still considering doing a blanket announcement on Facebook. I'm not in a particular rush as there's obviously time to decide. I have started telling people as a matter of course now which is also weird. But sort of fun. Shit is getting real! (Which might be the tone of a Facebook post if I do end up making one!)

Baby girl at 12w1d, pausing for a brief moment!

68dpo 12w1d - Feeling good makes me feel bad

So the past two days I've felt completely fine. Of course what does this mean? It means I don't 'feel' pregnant. Which leads to me starting to worry that something has changed or is different or etc. etc. etc. I'm glad I have a scan on Thursday which should reassure me that everything is as it should be. There won't be another scan until week 20 I think, so I'm going to have to just find a way to believe that everything is fine even though I feel fine. Which frankly, sounds ridiculous.

I called my mom to tell her the results of the NIPT. She was very excited. It was a bit funny because she asked me if I've thought of a name yet. The thing is, I've thought of a baby girl name since I was 16 (and it hasn't changed) and since I was 24(ish) and my aunt died, I've had the middle name picked as well. So girl name has been set in my mind for a very long time. Which means at various points over time, I've discussed it with my mom. Because she basically guessed/knew the name that I've picked. I confirmed that's the name I'm planning but implored her not to share it with anyone. She asked why not. I said well,  when the baby comes, that's the name. Before that, people will have opinions. And frankly, I'm not interested in anyone's opinions. I think I got through to her and she'll keep it to herself. But I did say she could start telling people I'm pregnant because I feel I'm over that hurdle, first paragraph notwithstanding.

I've been recently attacked by some bastard bugs and have 3 very itchy spots, one on the back of my right hand, and one on each foot. I'm getting frustrated about my inability to take antihistamines and I may need to work out what I can actually take. I also suffer from a-topic dermatitis and my skin is breaking out and itchy in general. I broke down and used some very low strength topical cortisone last week. But anyway, these bites are particularly annoying. I woke up itching last night at 2am and 5am which is not what I needed at the start of running a workshop.

Next update I assume will be post-scan. I'm so much more relieved going into it though with the NIPT results in hand.