35dpo 7w3d - First Scan

Back from my first scan and all is well!  The sac was easy to spot, in the uterus, and the flickering of the heartbeat was also visible.  Otherwise, it was all just a squidge, so there wasn't much else to see or report on.  I feel as though the scans done in the States are more detailed because there was no discussion of yolk or pole or anything else.  The radiologist did measure the squidge and it must have been alright because she didn't raise any alarms about it.

So there's the little squidge!  She labelled it for me, in case it wasn't clear.

Otherwise it was a relatively quick and uneventful appointment.  When I got there, the radiologist was confused about why I was there for such an early scan.  The first scan is usually at 12 weeks.  So I said, you know, to see if it's in the right place, the right size, that it's got a heartbeat. So that's basically what she did. It was all relatively quick.  My friend who works across the street from me came with me.  I hadn't originally planned to have anyone go with me, but she offered and I felt like it was probably a good idea.  I mean, if things had not gone well, I'm sure I would have been on the phone to people immediately, but it was good to have someone there, so that worked out well.

After the scan the radiologist seemed confused about when I would next be in.  She thought I might not be in until the 20 week scan but I'm sure that's not right.  But they couldn't seem to work this out, so instead have told me to meet with my midwife (first appointment in 2 weeks, week 9) and that they would make the appropriate scans.  That was a little bit frustrating, but I don't think it makes any difference.  I will get the scans I need when I need them, but it's always annoying when things aren't joined up and smooth.

So despite not really feeling pregnant, I clearly am.  Really hard to believe.  Almost as much as the first positive pregnancy test!  So onward to my next hoop jumping, midwife appointment and NIPT. But definitely a huge relief to pass this hurdle.

34dpo 7w2d - Scan tomorrow

I'm away at an event and so have been able to not focus too much on pregnancy things.  Tomorrow is my first scan though, and I'm a bit nervous.  I still am having no real pregnancy symptoms.  My boobs are definitely a bit fuller and heavier, and I get an occasional twinge of nausea, but that's pretty much it.  I also have occasional twinges in the lower gut/uterus region but I could also be overly sensitive to any such twinges.

I read in one of the baby apps I'm following that my uterus has doubled in size now.  I thought that was interesting.  It also occurred to me that I don't have a good idea of how big a uterus is usually.  I know how big an ovary is usually (about the size of a walnut) but uterus, no.   I also read another thing that said that women with stronger first trimester symptoms have a lower rate of miscarriage. While that may be true, I thought that was a shitty thing to read.  I've seen plenty of women say that they haven't had many symptoms and be fine and vice versa.  So probably not the most useful tip I've seen come by on a pregnancy app.

I was going to work from home tomorrow, go to my scan, and then come in to work but work is so stressful right now that I think instead I'm going to go to work and get a taxi to and from my scan.  It would be more efficient and I have too much to do.

My dad is going to see my uncles and associated family this week and asked what he could or should tell them.  I told him that if the scan tomorrow was okay, that he could tell that but that I'd prefer to wait and see how it goes.  Like I said, I'm a bit nervous that the news will not be good.  Of course I hope that it's all fine.  I'll find out tomorrow, in about 24 hours.  So that's not so hard to wait for.

And of course whatever happens will happen.  If it's all good, I am still going to worry that could change, and worry about chromosomal abnormalities until I can get a NIPT done.  If it's not good, well, it's not good and I'll have to deal with that and plan for the next stages of trying all over again.

30dpo 6w5d - A minor deviation

Today is a sad day in the UK with the result of the referendum indicating that the general populace is perhaps not the most clever.  The currency is tanking.  One of the leaders of the 'leave' campaign is already admitting he lied about some of the arguments used to sway voters.  It's really just awful.

As someone with both US and UK citizenship, it's hard not to feel that there is no hope.  Sometimes when I look at the world I do honestly stop and wonder if the right thing to do is to bring another person into it.  What sort of place are we leaving for our children??!!  I see around me a world that is angry, full of hate, full of blame, lacking responsibility, empathy, etc.

This morning I reflected that in the past I have truly wondered how world wars happened.  How could people let them happen?  Where was the common sense?  How did it get so bad?  And yet I fear that I am watching that very thing happen now.  I can't fathom how people think that the decisions they make, in this country, in the States, in Australia, in the middle east, all over the world it seems- how are decisions based on isolationism, hatred, or fear acceptable?  How are these sociopathic leaders swaying masses of people to their cause?  And alongside that, as we bicker amongst ourselves and build walls and division, we're also destroying the planet.  It's just so awful.

I am surrounded, generally, by people who think very similarly to myself.  This means I am always astonished by the other side.  It's hard to remember, or acknowledge that I'm in a minority.  My work, my circle of friends, most of us are somehow involved in trying to make the world a better place. Like, our actual jobs are about exactly that. How utterly disheartening to think that it's all futile, and that humanity is doomed to self destruct.  I want to think more of people.  I want to believe in a better world for my hopeful child.  Sometimes, like today, it's just really hard.

29dpo 6w4d - Mantras

I peed on a stick this morning to see if I was still pregnant.  The pregnancy line came up faster than the control line, like, the second the urine touched the mark.  It was strong and dark quickly.  So yep, still pregnant, and strongest reaction yet.

My last post clearly had some unfortunate foreshadowing as the first woman in my pregnancy group on the forum has gone out.  This was of course upsetting to hear.  She had worries, because everyone has worries, but nothing that appeared to be anything obvious.  Retrospectively you could say 'this, that, and the other', but the reality is, it's easy to look back and see obvious, I don't think it was.  So, shocking, and sad.

It's hard not to hear that and have the surge of panic about your own situation.  I'm mindful that I have not done PGS testing on the embryos.  It was something I looked in to and was not available. My clinic was not in favor, although it's clearly more and more common in the States.  While there can obviously still be loads of issues with PGS tested embryos, it does seem to reduce the chance of miscarriage by about 9-10% according to one clinic's statistics.  It seems for the age of my embryo egg (38, not my current age of 41) the miscarriage rate for me at this point is around 20%+ or 1 in 5. Again, sobering thoughts.

But again, NOTHING I can do at this point.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen.  My mantra is simply to repeat this thought.  It is the waiting that is stressful and what will be will be.  Take each day is it comes.  Accept each day and each moment for what it is.  Be confident in the knowledge that I will be able to manage each moment, no matter what happens, but that worrying about possible futures, of which I have no control over, is not productive for me, or for the growing fetus.  Repeat.

It could also be that I continue with a pregnancy and find out their are other issues that will require difficult choices.  Yesterday I was looking at where I could get a NIPT done locally as a useful Facebook advertisement popped up.  Usually I ignore those, but finally a relevant one indicated there's a private clinic in Grantchester which will do it for cheaper than a London clinic.  If I manage to make it to 10 weeks, and it's not available through the NHS, I'm definitely doing a private NIPT.

I am also mindful that there is a potential discrepancy between my dpo and week calculation of up to 3 days. This is because my cycles are slightly longer, typically.  So when I use various online calculators, they suggest based on dpo that I'm 6w1d not 6w4d.  This is of course important as every benchmark is measured in what week you are at- if only you get to this week your risks reduce, blah blah blah.  I of course want to be at the further ahead date, but should realistically be considering myself the further behind date.

Mantra.  Repeat.

26dpo 6w1d - Appointments

I saw my GP this morning.  It was a relatively short appointment but now I'm properly 'in the system'. There isn't much for the GP to do- apparently with the NHS most of your care is through midwife appointments; and there are about 10 throughout your pregnancy he said. So I made my first appointment for the 12th as that was the earliest that would work.  Perhaps a week later than desired. I also received a 'pregnancy' pack which I haven't had a chance to look through properly but is sponsored by Bounty so there are some branded things in it.  I glanced inside and saw a sample pack of pregnancy vitamins so that's cool as those are pricey.  I ordered some extra folic acid for the next couple of months, although it's in the multivitamin, I'm overweight so not bad to take more.  The GP took my blood pressure which was fine.  The lower number runs towards the high end but I think it was 124/85 so that's within normal.

I told my GP the results of my hCG blood tests and he mentioned that the numbers were on the low side but of course early.  Which of course made me twinge with worry.  The numbers doubled- which is what they say is more important than the actual number.  And yes, they were low in the sense that it was 14dpo and 16dpo.  I am consoled that my pregnancy tests got progressively darker and stronger meaning hCG was rising.  But anyway, blah.

Today I'm feeling twinges in the gut/tummy/uterus region and of course I'm trying not to worry about it or think about it too much.  I want everything to go smoothly, obviously, but I am also unable not to worry that it won't.  On the forum that I frequent there appears to always be at least 2 women who miscarry within each 3 month group.  So it's a rather gruesome game of Russian roulette.  Of course none of us may miscarry- which would be awesome of course.  But looking through the history of the pregnancy boards, there seems to always be at least 2.  So that's sobering. (Apologies to those of you from the board who may have read this and found it upsetting).

A woman in my three month group posted about her anxiety levels around the pregnancy.  I don't think it's possible to be pregnant and not worry, I guess it's how you process your worrying that makes a difference.  The only thing I can console myself with right now is that there is nothing I can do to change anything.  The future is already written- I just don't know it yet.  Will I miscarry?  Is this ectopic?  Will there be a chromosomal abnormality?  So many things that you could worry about it. But worrying about them doesn't change anything at all.  If bad shit happens, I will deal with it and get through it because I have to.  And I know I can, because I am a strong person and I have a network of friends and family who love me.  I can't change what that future will be.  I just don't know what it is yet.  And that's scary and frustrating and stressful.  But really I need to just be patient and wait.  Take each day, each moment for what it is.  I can't change the future, so I can only be present in the now.  Anyway, that's how I try to get through the stress and worry.  Of course not entirely helpful when  you are second guessing every twinge!

In other news I told my dad last night that I was pregnant.  He hasn't been the most on board with the pregnancy plan but was surprisingly supportive.  Of course he was supportive in the way that my dad is able to be supportive- mainly by indicating how he would be able to provide some financial support to a child of mine.  But hey, financial support is really important.  And for my dad, being able to take care of someone (financially) is how he shows that he loves them.  So that was nice.  This isn't to say that my dad will foot all the baby bills for everything.  In fact, far from it.  But anyway, it was nice to feel supported.

23dpo 5w5d - Finally a letter

So I finally got my letter from obstetrics telling me my first scan is scheduled for the 29th.  That will be 35dpo or 7w3d.  Still almost two weeks away.  At least it's scheduled.  I've also scheduled an appointment with my GP for Monday morning because apparently they arrange all your midwife appointments or some such.  I have no idea.  Healthcare is very different here than in the States and seeing as how I haven't been pregnant in either place, I really have no idea what the general schedule is.  I was talking to a woman in my office who is going on maternity leave today and she said there's a 7 week, 12 week, and 20 week scan, and then the scans are done.  It's also not clear to me yet if the UK has rolled out NIPT testing for all women- they did a big study on it and decided they would roll it out, but it's in process.  So I don't know if I'll get it as standard or if it will be something else I need to seek out independently.

I peed on a stick this morning and the line came  up quickly and dark.  So, hCG still rising!  In fact it came up so quickly that I'm not sure I'll get any stronger readings off them.  I think I have 3 more of the eBay strips left.  I also have 4 First Response tests left which seem wasteful.  Maybe I'll try and pass them off to someone?  Of course everything could go horribly wrong and I may need to start this all over again, so maybe just hold on to them until I'm out of some of the danger zones.

Of course being this early pregnant everything is a worry.  I continue to have small twinges on my left side where my ovary is.  I am of course obsessed with wondering if this could be signalling an ectopic pregnancy.  I don't seem to have any other symptoms, but I don't like occasional twinges in the ovary region.  Of course the scan will help verify what is going on- but that's not for two weeks. So until then I'm just trying to not make a mountain out of molehill and be obsessive about it.  I got a twinge in the other side as well, which of course then made me think it could be an ectopic pregnancy in my Fallopian tube stump that's left from the surgery.  See?  Crazy.

In other news I've had my first offer of baby hand me downs, which is awesome!  There are some things I'm willing to spend money on if I can't find what I want for a reduced price.  But most stuff I'm super happy to take hand me downs for.  Babies go through things so quickly and they are barely used.  It makes total sense!

Not much else going on.  Still haven't heard a word from the friend who dumped on me.  I got a day by day pregnancy book which is kind of fun to read over breakfast.  Still not really having symptoms that I can notice, which is probably just as well.  Still doing my Cycologest/progesterone twice a day at 8am/pm like clockwork.  I set an alarm for the evening one- very helpful.  Still trying to be good about doing yoga or walking daily (as well as cycling to work).  And life goes on!

Budget Update

If this pregnancy is successful, then I can put a figure on my total budget spent trying to conceive and become a mother.  Of course my future is filled with expenses related to raising a child which will be no small thing and occasionally causes me much stress to think about.  There may also be additional expenses related to pregnancy and birth - for example, if I hire a doula.  But again, these are optional and sort of different from the trying to conceive journey.

Of course everything could still go terribly wrong and I could be revisiting this budget in the future. For now though, the final budget on trying to become a single mother is:

Previous total	£12856
Hatching and Vitrification	£850
New total	£13706

It's probably important to note that the above total doesn't include the egg freezing total which was £13,591.  this is because the little growing seed is from that, so it would be wrong not to include those costs in my total total costs.  Therefore, if you really want a final grand total to get to today, it would be £27,297.  

Kind of scary.  

Completely worth it.