37w6d - Cycle all the way

This is me on my last day of work. Many people have expressed surprise that I'm still cycling at this late stage of pregnancy. In fact, cycling is FAR more comfortable to me than walking. When I walk, every step pushes on my bladder in a very unpleasant way. When I cycle, I'm sitting! Yes, I get winded more quickly, but I've never been a speedy cyclist. So here I am, on my bike, 37w6d pregnant.

36w1d - baby belly bump

I'm 36w1d today, which is really nearing the end. On the one hand I feel like I've been pregnant forever, on the other hand, it all feels so quick. I think this is what happens as you get older anyway, but it doesn't change the strangeness.

Lately I've been thinking about, or trying to understand, that there is a real baby inside that belly of mine. I see pushing and movement, but what I see is a big skin balloon. I don't see 'a baby' and yet, at 36w there is a baby, pretty much completely formed and almost certainly capable of survival. But I just see a bump! I never had a 3d/4d scan of the baby so I don't have a particular impression of her physicality. Looking at regular scans is fine, but it's not a three dimensional baby you are looking at. I feel I'm getting more excited (and nervous) about her getting here.

I'm also at work for less than 2 weeks now. Handing over to my cover which has been great to have a 3 week overlap. Strange to think how easily I can be replaced! But actually work stuff is all good for me right now, as I will come back to a slightly different role doing something more in keeping with my background and expertise. So actually, work is really exciting, it's just strange to be leaving for a while. But I'll be very busy with other things!!

Also hard to believe my mother is going to be here in almost a month. This is an ongoing tension as my mother means very well and her heart is in the right place but she questions everything that I want or do. I keep telling her that I don't really feel the need to justify every decision to her and that it's insulting to me. But she keeps doing it. I think she also feels on some level she needs to put me down in order to make herself seem more needed, which is completely unnecessary. So I'm nervous about the help she is going to be giving me- if it's actually going to be helpful or if I'm going to want to kill her. Only time will tell.

I think the other thing about my mom coming is that she acts as if I'm all alone in the world with no one to help me other than her. As if my single parent journey isolates me in some way as opposed to being something I've been thinking about and actively planning for years. I have a good network around me to support me, and I'm also happy to pay people (like my doula) to support me post-natal. Not to mention the boyfriend, other friends, etc. But to my mother, every time I talk to her I have no one and nothing to help me (other than her). Again, it's frustrating, but we'll get through it. And I know I have my village/network so it's really more her issue than mine.

I need to get some more pictures of these final weeks! I really just can't imagine that soon she's going to be here and it's all going to be different. Eep!!!

35w4d - Bigger and bigger

It's weird how pregnancy is counted in weeks, but most people not involved in pregnancy think in months. So today it is one month until my due date. hard to believe!

I'm pretty much almost ready for baby girl to arrive. The nursery furniture is finally pretty much complete and I've started washing things. There is a lot of stuff to wash!! So many hand me downs. I'm not at all complaining, I think it's great to get so much free stuff, most of it really nice and hardly worn. It's just a lot of laundry and sorting since I have bags of various sizes. The nursery actually looks like a baby room which is kind of exciting. The only thing I have left is for the blackout curtains to arrive and swap over from what's there now. And I'm still on the hunt for a petite rocking chair I can put in there as most gliders are just too big for the space, but I think a rocking chair would be nice to have.

My hospital appointment with the head midwife went well, and I'm approved to go to the birth center if labor starts on its own. I've done a first draft of my birth plan. I've starting eating 6 dates a day. I'm also doing the perineal massage  with Elastolabo and in a little over a week I'll start the Epi-No. I'm not sure why the Elastolabo is no longer readily available, but I have some tubes of it, so I'm using it. All of this preparation and I think it will be just my luck and I end up with a Cesarean or something. It will be what it will be, but I'm trying to do as much preparation as possible.

Meanwhile I now see the midwife every week. Not this Tuesday, but next Tuesday I'm supposed to have my appointment at the hospital in the birthing center. I wasn't able to call this week so I need to get that arranged first thing tomorrow.

Baby girl is getting bigger and so is my belly. She isn't the most energetic baby. She does move around but often it feels very mild and I have to pay attention. Sometime she clearly gets into a position where I feel her much stronger (and can see her moving) but mostly it's subtle feelings. This can stress me out because I keep getting told to pay attention if I don't feel anything, and often I really don't. Overall, pregnancy has sort of suited me. Aside from the small issues I've had, I generally feel comfortable, healthy, and fine. Pregnancy doesn't have to be this big uncomfortable ordeal. I do feel for women who clearly are having issues, but it also obviously doesn't happen to everyone. So overall I feel lucky. I mean, this is probably the only time in my life that I will be pregnant (or at least that's how I feel right now), so I'm glad that I'm sort of getting to enjoy it. I'll definitely miss feeling baby girl moving around in there. It's been truly special.

Next thing to get on top of is packing the hospital bag. My friend was down this weekend and helped me with some of that (and brought me a bunch of stuff we'd bought together when I visited in October). So I'm probably halfway packed. I was thinking of making some chocolate peanut butter oatmeal energy balls for snacking on during labor. And I should think about stocking up the freezer with some ready meals of some kind or another.

Work is so busy right now (although all in positive ways, so that's good)- I can't believe the first 2 weeks of January are already gone. Soon I won't be at work, and soon after baby will be here! I can't even begin to imagine how my life is going to change and what it's going to be like to have her here for real, separate from me. It's still terrifying to some level, but exciting as well. And it's going to be soon now!!

34w2d - Obstetrician meeting

I am pleased to report that my meeting with the consultant obstetrician yesterday went very well. Unlike the first one I saw, this one was very relaxed about my birth. She checked that I knew I was there to discuss induction. I did, and said that I was inclined to not have one at 39w but would be open to one at 40w as long as I had a check first to see if anything was happening on its own. She then suggested that was fine, and that I actually wait a couple more days, especially if I had a 'stretch and sweep'. So an induction has been tentatively scheduled for February 17th. But, she also said that if I don't want one then, I don't have to have one and can just be monitored. So basically, she offered the expectant monitoring without my having to ask for it. It was all a very reasonable and unexciting conversation, so that was great.

I had my last hypnobirthing class last night which was more about after birth and once baby arrives. Which had a lot to do with breast feeding. I am intending to breast feed, so I wasn't in need of any convincing. I did say though, that for some people it just doesn't work, no matter how well intentioned, and that similar to c-sections or other things related to birth, we need to stop demonizing other choices people make. I don't have any reason at this point to think I won't be able to breast feed, and I will try everything possible to get it going. But if something is wrong and I ultimately need to switch to formula? Then that's fine too.

On Monday I have my last hospital appointment for a while, this time with one of the head midwives at the birth center. My last hoop to jump through is to get permission to be allowed into the birth center if labor starts naturally. They are not inclined to allow this initially due to my age (of course) because they want continuous monitoring which can only be done on the ward. Except there doesn't seem to be any benefit to continuous monitoring, and anyway, the birth center is one floor down from the ward, so if needed, I can be moved. Anyway, I'm hoping that the meeting goes smoothly like yesterday's did and then everything is settled.

In the meanwhile I've been working on my birth plan. I'm torn between some of the visual/picture ones I've seen and just writing one out with bullet points. At the moment I'm going bullet points because I don't have the software on my computer here to do the visual one. I'll send a draft copy to my doulas to get their input and point out anything I may have missed.

The first week of January has really flown by. Granted it was a 4-day week. Still, baby girl is going to be here before I know it. I can't believe it.

34w - Scan

Had a scan this morning due to my advanced maternal age. Apparently they offer it at 34 weeks if it's your first baby and you are and old mama.  It was exciting to see baby girl although she definitely does not fit on the screen anymore. She was presenting 'cephalic' which means 'head down'; so, basically in the right position which is good. We could only see bits and pieces of her. All the measurements were on target and baby girl is measuring above average at about the 80th percentile. Her estimated weight was 5.9lbs (2.689kg), so a healthy sized baby right now! I got to see her heart beating, and a good look at her thigh bone. We also listened to the blood pumping through the umbilical cord. We couldn't get a good look at the face as her hands were in the way, although we got to see an eye poking out. Overall it was a fairly efficient appointment and all was as it should be, so that was good.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the consultant obstetrician again. I imagine this is where they are going to pressure me to schedule an induction for 39 weeks. I am going to decline the 39w induction but tentatively agree to a 40w induction. I've looked at the research and I'm not convinced that the 39w induction is necessary or helpful. I will try to give my body as much time to go into labor as possible before resorting to an induction. This also means that at 40w, I want to be checked to see if labor is starting on its own in which case I will again reject the induction and give it a couple of days. Should be a (not so) fun talk with the doctor tomorrow. Anyway, we'll see and I'll try to report back. At least one of my doulas is coming with me which will be helpful I think.

Went to NCT prenatal (antenatal) class last night which was good. Boyfriend came with me and managed it well, and I felt positively about the experience in general. There were 7 other couples there- all traditional (man/woman, married). I think what I'm learning is that I'm more curious than other people, or that I shouldn't be so surprised that people don't do as much reading or research as I do.

Last month at work now which is all a bit mental. It seems as if there is so much to do!! And I still don't believe at all that baby can possibly come early although one of my colleagues voiced concern about that. I think after all this waiting and being pregnant for so long, this month is going to fly by!

33w2d - Less comfortable

I mean, it was bound to happen. But for sure the belly is getting bigger and the bladder pressure is getting stronger. Positively, I don't have to get up in the night to pee, but during the day I sort of feel like I need to pee all the time just because of the pressure on the bladder.

My hypnobirthing class is almost finished, and my NCT class is about to begin. The boyfriend has decided that he would like to be there for the birth so I said that he had to come to NCT class with me. I hope that goes well. He also needs to meet my doulas, and that's also in progress.

I need to chase up the solicitors here to get my will set up this month. I got in touch with them last month and asked them to email me. They called, and I repeated that I wanted them to email me, and then I got nothing through. This is not necessarily a great sign for these solicitors, but I just need a will drawn up and sorted before the birth.

I've started building the nursery furniture as I'm off work this week between Christmas and New Year. It's all gone slower than I hoped, although I think I've built the most tricky piece. I built the wardrobe and the storage unit. I still have to build the crib and the changing table. However, I can't build those until I move the sofa-bed downstairs, or rather, get someone else to move the sofa-bed downstairs. The storage units look great though, and they do hold a lot. So that's fab. Once everything is built, then the washing and sorting can begin!

Birth seems like such a foreign concept. It's amazing to me how unaware we are in modern society of the various mechanics of birth. They hypnobirthing class has been really good- and I'm looking forward to the NCT class as well. Although I'm intrigued, I'm not exactly looking forward to the birth. I can't imagine how it will be, so I try not to imagine how it will be. I'd like to have a good birth, to be one with my body, to sink into myself and emerge with a baby. But who knows. I have a bunch of appointments coming up this week and next. First is my 34 week scan on Tuesday. Wednesday I have an appointment with the consultant to discuss (and possibly schedule) induction. Did I say this already? I'm going to decline the early induction but I think I'll agree to induction at 40w in the hopes that I go into labor before then. Then the following week I have an appointment with one of the head midwives at the hospital to get permission if I do go into labor naturally that I can go into the birth center as opposed to straight to the delivery ward. I didn't really anticipate all this... hassle about giving birth.

In other news I've started perinial massage with ElastoLabo in the hopes of reducing any tearing during birth. This is probably one of my bigger concerns- I mean everything else heals but tears here can screw you up for life. The massage is not particularly comfortable and not the easiest to manage position-wise. But I'll stick with it because it really can't hurt and it seems like a good idea. At week 36 I can add the Epi-No to my routine. Watch, with my luck I'll be doing all this and then end up with a Cesarean! But anyway, as I say, it can't hurt and lets me feel like I'm doing something proactively to address my concerns.

I've had a mild cold all week which hasn't helped with anything. It's not a very bad cold, but enough to make me feel slightly under the weather. Hopefully I can get rid of it fully soon.

31w5d - Strange dream

Last night was the first time I had a dream about giving birth.  I've had dreams about having a child, or being pregnant, but typically the actual 'birth' is something that gets glossed over in my dreams. Perhaps because this is becoming more prominent and I'm doing more reading and classes, but last night I dreamed about the birth itself. It was very strange of course, because I don't have real experience to draw on, so it was very surreal. On the plus side, it wasn't awful. So there's that.

I had my second official meeting with my doulas yesterday. That was good, they're really great. I need to start writing up my birth plan. We covered a lot of areas and things they will help me with in the upcoming weeks. One of them always goes with me to the hypnobirthing class which is nice for me and a win win for them, so all good. One will come with me to my scan on January 4th and the other will come with me to my obstetricians meeting on January 5th. Not entirely sure why I'm having the scan, though I'm not upset because I like seeing baby girl. The obstetrician meeting will be to discuss induction. I think right now I am going to not agree to a 39w induction but I will agree to a 40w induction in the hopes that I will go into labor before then. The other meeting I need to set up is with one of the head of midwifery at the Rosie to get permission that if I do go into labor I can go to the birth center and not straight to the delivery unit. Apparently this is what is recommended for women over 40 but I'm not very happy with that. If I go into normal labor, I want the chance to have a comfortable labor in the lovely birthing center. If something goes wrong, or I decide I need medical help, then they can stick me in the lift and take me upstairs to the delivery unit. But I don't want to start there.

So that's what's going on in pregnancy world at the moment. The pregnancy itself is progressing fine. Baby girl is obviously getting bigger so I can feel her more. Last night she really poked out prominently which was almost shocking! I wish I'd filmed it. I still cycle to and from work which feels perfectly fine. I might even be getting used to my hand and feet issues as they don't seem to be bothering me as much. I guess I'm in one of the 'accepting' phases of physicality. Give it a week or two and I'll be more uncomfortable again!

I can't believe that it's the last week of work before the holiday break. When I get back to work in January, it's a one month countdown until I'm off on maternity leave. It's so fast!! I'm starting to look forward to the change and for baby girl to go from an idea to reality. And I can't believe it's going to be happening so soon. I can't even begin to imagine all the different ways in which my life is going to change, but I'm getting excited about it.